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What happens when they win???

helpless1's picture

Submitted by helpless1 on Thu, 04/07/2011 - 7:17pm

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Blended Family Issues

I cry Uncle!!!!! My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and I'm ready for a divorce!My DH has 2kids g/16 b/13.Suppose to be 50/50 however they are here MOST of the time.Ex is useless!But they are running me out of the house.I just recently found this site and have been reading a lot lately.Think it's mainly so I don't feel so alone.For a long time I thought I was losing my mind.And my husband looked at me as if I was too.Guess that made him feel better!Over the last 5 years I think I've experienced it all.Messes,mouths,defiance,whinning,lies and the list goes on and on.I also have 2kids g/17home,g/23(out on her own).And if his kids were mine they would never be un-grounded!! i do have to say i have always been strict with my girls.You know...make them clean up after themselves,turn stuff off when not using it,be responsible for their crap,no candles in the bedrooms,no throwing balls in the house breaking all MY stuff.You know the things people call CPS on you for!!lol Anyway,his kids just run the show!Leave messes everywhere,beg and cry for things,only to get them and before you know it they're broke or lost,eat everything they can until the vomit,hide food in their rooms for later,only to rot and smell.ok I guess you get the picture.What I haven't read to much about is step parenting disciplining.I do not discipline my skids.I figure they already have 1.5 parents they should take care of them.....WRONG!! My husband and I have talked and talked about "same rules" in the house for all kids.Yet he does nothing to enforce them!!I don't yell instead I tell him so he can handle it...what does he do?He questions me!"Makes sure he has all the info"before handling it.One of his famous questions is "are you sure you saw that correctly"Then what happens next????I end up being the B**ch and I just must be wrong/blind/or just stupid I guess!Grrr I'm so tired of trying.What have I gotten myself into?And now not only do I dread the days the skids are here I also dread the days my husband is here.Ready to call the ex and tell her to come get them all!!! Thanks for listening it'll be nice to talk to people who understand...finally!!!!!

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Thu, 04/07/2011 - 8:40pm

Ugh! I have been thru this questioning in the past as well-it took years before dh got out of that phase. I'm not sure that I did anything to impact him in stopping the behavior; however as his son continued to have bad behavior that was independent of anything I might say or point out I guess he finally decided that yes, I did see that right and no I didnt misunderstand. After awhile I did stop "tattling" on ss-I just didnt do anything for him. I disengaged. If your kids are following the rules then I would reward them quite nicely and make sure your skids know about it. If they have a probelm with it, kindly let them know as soon as they follow the same rules you will be happy to treat them as well.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 3:33am

I would tell your DH that you are fed up with his lack of support over setting boundaries. In this case I would also stop referring to him about discipline issues, but take matters into your won hands directly things come to your attention.
I had the same problem ie I brought my own girls up quite strictly and was disconcerted by my DH's permissiveness in some areas.
He may not be aware quite how far down the road of being sick of it all that you have gone - my first marriage ended with my ex being shocked by the fact that I was actually prepared to act on my unhappiness and leave him. Your DH may not realise how upset you are - you should leave him in no doubt that your bottom line is leaving the marriage if things do not change a bit, in line with what you see as appropriate. Don't issue empty threats - simply say that if thus and so does not happen, xyz will be the consequences, and leave it at that. Whatever your bottom line is, this applies to SKIDs and partner, you have to be prepared to enforce it.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 7:27am

Isn't it wild how us older women who have properly raised bios that are grown or practically grown get involved with these men with younger children that have been NON-parented? I find this a disturbing trend.

One of the big hazzards of "cougaring"

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 8:06am

LOL @ Aut...too funny girl. My FDH is older than me and just had a kid later in life but I still like the thought of being a cougar Biggrin

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 8:10am

Helpless...we are here for you because most all of know the kind of bs you go through!
((((HUGS))))

helpless1's picture

Submitted by helpless1 on Fri, 04/08/2011 - 5:09pm

Thank you all so much for all the advice!!!.Here I sit in MY room waiting for the hell to begin.Bad thing is I think it's already to late to change things.I tried to enforce a few minor rules at first.Only to be ignored! Then when the skids didn't/wouldn't listen to me I went to DH.Thats where it really went bad,With him questioning me and acting like I was lying.ugh! it just gets worse!! Now I'm at the point that I'm as mad at him for doing this crap as I was at his children!Don't know where to turn from here.I do honestly love my husband,but so much has happened,I'm not sure we can go back to where we started.And I'm sure the skids love that!Basically we are living as roommates right now.And this can't be good for any of us.Including my bd.She only has a small amount of time left at home before going on her own.Hate to make things this bad for her.

side note on the "cougar"--- My Dh is 2 years older then Iam.He waited a long time before having kids with the useless EX!!Guess that should have been a sign to him!!