we are at a loss. make it or break it.

Forums:

I have no idea what to do anymore. I love my fiance to death but the problems with his daughter and the way he handles it has gotten completely out of control. We have 2 of our own children and waiting to find out if number 3 is coming. He has one bio kid with his ex wife(5year old daughter) and he has been taking care of her 4 year old son. He was born in their marriage and she didn't come out and tell him that he isn't his until we had found out about our daughter. He still treats him as his own though because he is all the boy knows. Now his 5 year old daughter is our problem. She is rude, unconsiderate, and jealous. She does perfectly fine when me and my fiance show no affection towards each other but the second she sees us talking to each other or him hugging me or giving me a kiss or telling me he loves me she flies off the handle. She tries to push her way in between us, when she's playing with the other kids she constanly checks on us, and when she does see something she doesn't like she tells him she hates him and doesn't want to see him again. Recently she has started saying she hopes he dies. He is a diabetic and had a nearly fatal incident a couple months ago. This is the second time now she has seen him collapse and blackout. We have been together for about 3 1/2 years now. And it has been consistant. We've had our fights and had our short breaks but nothing too horribly bad. His daughter has gotten to the point now where she told him he better never pick her up again. Although when she is here she acts perfectly fine as long as we don't show affection towards eachother. She told him she hates me and never wants to see me. He has always babied her and always given her everything she wants. So now she wants to stay at his moms and not come her. So of course that's what he is doing. Is it wrong of me to think that this should not be happening? This is our house. I have done everything I can possibly think of to make her comfortable here. We go out and do things just me and her and my daugther, we do our hair, we paint her nails, we work on school stuff, drawling. How much more can I possibly do when all the attention here is already completely on her?! We are planning to marry early summer. Date is not 100% yet. He is now staying at his moms 3-4 nights out of the week which means (in our tight financial budget) he will be paying about $350 a month to stay there as well as still paying here. She has been at his moms with him for a few nights now and nothing has changed. Well she has gotten a lot more snotty with him but that was expected. She follows him every where he goes there and still acts the same way. But he says this is best for her. Not taking our other kids into consideration. Our daughter (2) keeps wondering where her dad is and crying and throwing a fit. She has yet to have a nap today and still refusing to go to sleep because he is not home. I love him more than anything and I don't want it to come to an end but I don't know what else I can do. I can't sit back and watch my baby suffer because he's doing what he feels is right for one of his children. What do I do? Do I give up or do I wait it out?

This little girl is five

This little girl is five years ago and she is running your and your fiance's lives. Who is the adult here???
She obviously has issues of separation anxiety. My SD was 5 when I got together with my husband. She often intruded on our affectionate moments and was looking for constant reassurance from her father. Very clingy. When our son was born, she asked me "When is that baby going to die?" She was jealous of her brother, and worried about her place in the family.
We tried to deal with it by reassurance, without babying her. She should be allowed some one-on-one time with her dad, but not to the exclusion of time with the rest of the children.
Isolating her at her grandmothers with her father is NOT the answer. That is only giving her the power in your relationship.
It sounds to me as if she would benefit from some child counselling services. Is this an option for you? Or family counselling would be good.
Also, you have a lot of young children on your plate. Please don't take offence, but I would suggest not adding further to your family until your relationship is more stable. If you have done any reading on this forum, you will realize that when you marry a man with children, it can be a committment for life to a child that may never love or like you. That can be a very difficult thing to handle.
I hope you have lots of friends and a good support system in place for you and your children. Good luck and I hope things work out.

The biggest problem is when I

The biggest problem is when I try to tell him I don't feel its best for him to isolate her at her gmas he says I know my daughter and I know what I need to to. I told him I found this website and found quite a few situations that sound very similar to ours and he doesn't want to hear it. It causes a fight. Just today when trying to discuss it he comes out and tells me its not just me she has done this to.. He had another girlfriend a while back that she could stand to be around she hated her didn't want to see him if he was going to be with her and so on. Same problem different woman. So he tells me "its much deeper than that I always put my feelings before hers and forced her to go and stay where she didn't want to go. I have no clue what to do. I tried to tell him I feel that him staying there is just going to make her used to getting her way and its going to get her used to just being with him and her half brother. And from what she whispers in his ear when I'm around that's what she wants. I want to be supportive and believe that he is doing the right thing but it is messing with our kids! He has said his only concern is his daughter. Nothing else. Staying at his moms with her will get her focused and back on track. So now what? He will not even try to rationalize with me. He told me I'm trying to make it 100% about me. If I didn't see that this is not going to help and I see that my daughter is being hurt by this it might be about me but its maybe half about me right now.

The biggest problem is when I

Well I have found out that

Well I have found out that she is feeling like he is choosing "a girl" over her. He said that from his experience with his childhood with his mom he doesn't want her to grow up resentful of him. I went through the same if not worse situation that he had growing up as well. My mom completely ditched me and my grandparents are my parents now. I kind of understand where he is coming from with this. However, I still don't feel its right. As you said I feel the same, how will she ever be able to deal with change. She is so "happy" to be back at his moms and not sharing his attention that he would literally have to drag her to the car to come to our house and drag her inside once she got here. So I ask him what would he do if we were officially married and had bought our own house? He said I wouldn't go anywhere, she would have to accept it basically is what he said. So what's the difference? We are planning these things. We are going house hunting by March.. I just don't get it. Its to the point I feel I have to suck it up and deal with it. He said today if I keep pushing the issue he will pack up and leave. She is what is important right now. She got mad at him talking to someone on the phone(she didn't even know who) and she spit in his face and was hitting him and disrespecting him. I don't even know how to express my concern anymore.

You are here