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Their back …. For 6 weeks of pure hell

Hiding1897's picture

Well the gremlins are back and this time for 6 weeks !!!  After they left, my husband returned to work and life went back to normal (he's the perfect parent, his kids can walk on water and the whole nine yards).  My marriage has felt strained after the last nightmare visit.  My husband doesn't correct and gets angry or takes it out on me 

My husband picked the gremlins up from the airport 4 days ago.  He works very long shifts and basically expects me to entertain these kids (14 and 12).  Before they arrived, I confided in my father-in-law about how I don't necessarily connect with the kids, to my shock he shared with me his disdain for their entitled and unruly behaviour. He then told me I should not be responsible to care for them when my husband is working - his kids, his responsibility. My husband works from 1am until 8pm and informed me that I am watching them all weekend as well as Tuesday and Thursday next week.  Doesn't asks but expects.  On Wednesday I took them Xmas shopping for my husband to find out from the oldest that he's given his ex wife $$$ for her Xmas gift (it may sound pretty but on my birthday I got f###king magazines).  I was so angry that I had to shell out cash for his gift yet she doesn't contribute but gets cash ???? 
Today I got the silent treatment from 2pm-830pm because I mentioned they had eaten my cookies and left the empty bag in the fridge.  He was nasty to me and went out of his way to be extra loving to them ...  I should know NEVER to make comments about his kids.

Am I wrong to not understand why a 14 year old with a part time job can't throw pop cans in the recycling, wash plates or get their own dinner ???

The 12 year old is obnoxious and loud ...  He gets under my skin - the mere presence of him does this to me.  I think probably due to the numerous incidents over the last 2 visits.

My sister in law is coming to get them on Wednesday/Thursday so I can have a few days alone before the family gathering but ...  I am starting to fall out of love with my husband because of all this.  I won't see my son for Xmas for the second year due to my visa application and the expense of flying back to the US.  I feel bitter when he "tells me" how much I can spend on my son.  I ignore it but it makes me angry ..  My son is in his 20's and to be told "I can't fly to NY" in the summer just annoys me because I only have a finite amount of vacation etc.

I didn't realise my feelings and my wants would be of such little importance to this man ...  if only I had known before I moved 14,000 kms away to be terrorised by these entitled brats (only 31 more days left) ...

 

Thanks for letting me vent xoxo 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Are you sure that you want to be in this relationship?  I'm being direct because I have a ton of work to do and need to get back to it.  But the situation sounds bad.

CajunMom's picture

You can't fly to NY to see your adult son??? He expects...no, demands you watch HIS kids? Giving BM money?? Silent treatment??? This sounds miserable.

I think your post tells you what you need to do. Me? I'd get myself a ticket to NYC to see my kid after the holidays. And I might not come back. SMH

simifan's picture

Time to go visit family or friends, personally I vote for permanently. This is boardering on abusive. The anger issues, silent treatment, financial controlling - what are you getting out of this relationship that makes him worth it?  You deserve better. 

reedle2021's picture

Your husband sounds like my ex-husband.  He was the same way with his son who eventually became a 21 year old failure to launch loser.  I left the situation.  My ex husband didn't expect me to physically care for his manchild, but I did have to pay for everything as my husband didn't work and eventually, his son grew to be just as lazy.  I was not allowed to parent his son, have any expectations for his son or for any rules around my house.  My ex would get mad at me and treat me terribly while treating his son like royalty.  They acted like a married couple - my ex went to his son for all his emotional needs. If I innocently said or did something that my husband or his son took offense to, then I was given the silent treatment for days (husb and son would ignore me and they even kept their cat away from me) and then berated for hours about what an awful person I am.  My ex husband put his son's need ahead of my needs, put our marriage on the back burner all in the name of worshipping his son.  My ex also put his son's mother and her daughters ahead of my family.  He would refuse to go see my family but we spent a few holidays at his son's mother's parents' house.  My ex also would not allow me to buy gifts for my nieces and nephews yet I was instructed to buy gifts for his piece of sh&t son up until the day I left (his son was 21 yo at that time).  My husband would also take it out on me if he was pissed at his manchild for something.  He NEVER addressed his son's behavior, he only got angry and vicious with me.  My ex called my 20 yo niece a whore when she was expecting and he called one of my nephews retarded because he wasn't talking much.  It was hell living with this man and I didn't realize how bad until after I left.  I am now in counseling for all the abuse I went through.   I still struggle with how I was treated and why I put up with it.  I kept telling myself, "if I'm just a little more nice, if I just don't do this or if I do that, or if I just buy them whatever they want they will love and accept me."  I realize now how sad it was to live this way. And no matter what I did, they way they treated me continued to deteriorate in spite of my best efforts.

I can tell you, and what I see now, is that I was being emotionally abused as well as financially abused.  My ex husband eventually upped the ante and began shoving me, slapping my leg, slapping my phone out of my hands - and usually because he was angry that I wasn't treating his son well, which wasn't true AT ALL.  Before I left, he was expecting me to pay $2400 in tuition costs for his son to go to school (his son made it clear he didn't want to go) as well as $2000 for dental work for his son (his son refuses to brush or floss his teeth).  He didn't ask if I could help or tell his son to get a job with benefits and tend to his own needs, nope.  I was EXPECTED to pay for it all.  He also would rage and berate me for hours when a good girl friend of mine from high school would text me or send me gifts (like little trinkets) - it's like he couldn't stand anyone being nice to me.  I was not allowed to have any friends when I was married to this a&&hole. 

I'm very sorry you are going through this.  My heart goes out to you.  You have to do what's best for you, but I don't see this situation changing or improving.  Your husband sounds like my ex.  Trust me, it's a losing battle.  The poor treatment of you will continue and will likely worsen.  Please don't waste your time or emotional energy on someone who doesn't value you or your marriage. 

Please take care of you and keep us posted. 

Hiding1897's picture

That's amazing you left - it takes  courage to leave and pick yourself ..  I honestly don't understand my husband's behaviour - it was never a perfect marriage but this is not going to work for me in the long term and I am acutely aware of it.  
Our marriage will be strained 12 weeks a year with these kids and I will have to make a decision that is BEST for me ..  I have given up everything to be here so packing a bag to return to the US is possible it is not in my financial interest to do so 

This site is a lifesaver ... I appreciate everyone's comments it reminds me that I am not loosing my mind ❤️

Merry's picture

But you can't live your life in misery because of money. You need a plan to become financially stable on your own, whether your marriage survives or not.

Rags's picture

All you need to know is that he behaves as he does and it needs to stop. Since he won't stop it, head home and spend the holidays with your son.

Leave this failed man, failed husband and failed father to deal with his failed family progeny.  Hisdwork schedule and their care and feeding are not your issue. 14 and 12 is past old enough to be left alone for any number of a parent's work days.  What failed daddy comes home to, is his issue to deal with, with his spawn. 

Enjoy your holiday.