I think you should encourage your DD to talk to her dad, but stay out of it. Of course SM's DS is her priority, he should be, and no one can blame SM for not wanting your DD there when her dad isn't around, that isn't uncommon. It is hard having a kid who isn't yours around, and it is hard feeling like you want to do things for them, especially if you have a strained relationship, and it sounds like they do. Your DD lives with you most of the time, she's going to miss her brother, and that sucks, but it is just her life and she has to learn to deal with it. I'm also sure you haven't been completely innocent in your influence of their relationship. I'm sure your DD heard all the things you are saying to us about SM from you and so your DD probably isn't always nice to her.

Overall, my advice is to be there for your daughter, but stay out of their house and the way they do things. It isn't your business who wears the pants in their house, all you can do is support your daughter and help her cope. Her dad is going to make his own decisions, even if it is to support his wife's feelings about things.

Yeah, I second fakemommy's advice. All you can do is offer the time to your ex (like offering to let him do the "take your child to work day") and let him decide (even if it's "allow his wife to decide") whether to take it. Don't mention it to your DD unless dad says he's going to take her, you don't want to get her hopes up.

IMO you can't help your ex or advise him on his adult relationship because that would be intrusive and would rebound on your child. But you could certainly tell your DH not to insist that you are called by your first name in his home. That would a message of disrespect to a child and, frankly, would be bizarre. I've never heard of a situation on this board where that has happened, quite the opposite, on this site most SMs are keen to ensure that the mom retains all her role, status etc in the eyes of the child. A lot of us are BMs too of course. I've seen one or two say they ought to be called or treated as a mom when there is a real mom involved, but it's vanishingly rare and they tend to be very young and needy.
You can't delete entries on these threads but you can click edit and then cut them down to a punctuation point.

If what your ex claims is true, and he wants to spend more time with his daughter but is letting his wife keep him from that, then he does need to get some balls.

The wife sounds like a total bitch who just wants to stick it to you and control him. And she is using your daughter to do it.

I would explain to your DD that SM is NOT her mother, so when her dad is out of town, she needs to just stay with you. Frankly, I wouldn't want DD staying there with her, anyway.

It is sad that she misses her little brother and wants to be with him but there is really nothing that can be done about that. Unfortunately.

Wow, this sm has a lot of balls. As a sm I don't want my SDs calling me mom unless they want to. To try to force it on a child is wrong.

I think you should try to bring this up in a civil way to your ex. Perhaps you could send him an email saying,

"Hi ex,

Over the last couple of phone calls dd has had in which she's talked to sm, I've noticed she's been calling sm "mom." She has been saying things to me that indicate that her calling sm "mom" is a forced thing. I would like to discuss this with you as it does not seem healthy for dd. I respect you as her dad and wouldn't allow her to call another man "dad." I hope we can resolve this soon.

Thank you,

Bm"

Or don't email him. I don't know. Would either your ex or SM be willing to talk about this? You know these people better than we do.

I feel for you, dd and the woman who will become sm to your dds SMs son. Dds sm is a nutty bm in the making.

My XH and the SM sort of went through the same phases, SM from trying to be BFF-Mom to having her own to my EX checking out of my daughters life now that he has a new wife and new baby... The difference is... I guess I feel its his loss... and none of my real concern...

I am not married to him, its his CHOICE to be uninvolved, its not my problem to solve. I get the SM, she had her own kid, she is focused on him and now has nothing to do with my daughters, she even works the weekends they are there. My XH often books plans on his weekend and I have to keep my girls - again, he is an idiot and its HIS loss, the schedule is pretty simple, every other weekend - he has a 50-50 chance to not make plans he can't have the girls attend...

I do not blame the SM for anything in my situation, my XH is an idiot, that is why I divorced him, he continues to be an idiot, nothing has changed, and if the SM is dumb like him, then its no skin off my teeth.

I worry about my own life and my girls. His life, his choices, his loss. Yes my girls get hurt, he is hurting them when he blows them off, I cannot fix that, but they know I love them, that I am there for them and frankly as they get older, they see their father through different eyes, its all his own doing and they will eventually spend less and less time there, its happening already, I do not encourage it, but I do nothing to fix it - my XH is a grown man, he can CHOOSE to be involved, to tell the SM NO we aren't making plans its my girls weekend - the fact he doesn't - HIS LOSS.

IMHO - The entire visitation schedule or lack thereof lies with the dad. Ultimately he will be held to the fact that he is not CHOOSING to spend more time with his daughter. One person can't make anyone else do anything that they aren't willing to do, and ultimately it is on the dad and his CHOICE to care more about the feelings of his wife. I am not saying that it is good or bad, but it is what it is.

My own father was made to feel so uncomfortable with having me around for visitation, and then told by my stepmother at the time that I wasn't really wanted there. They are now divorced, and I can't really blame my SM (at the time) for putting a wrench into the relationship with my father, because ultimately it was my fathers decision to listen to her. It no longer has anything to do with her.

This holds true for OPs situation. This has everything to do with the dad and his choice to not have a great relationship with his daughter. It hurts, trust me I know, but it is him and his responsibility and not the SM. She has her own kid now, of course her kid will always come first to her.

3 weeks is a while from her dad and brother for her apparently. Can you not switch a weekend so it's only 2 weeks?
If my ex or I go away we switch so that there isn't a long gap. Just a thought.

Some people have it court ordered that the kids can only call biomom and bio dad "mom" and "dad." You might want to look into that.

KIND OF cold? Somehow this Daddy needs to reexamine his testicles to see why he's not producing any macho fluid. Talk about p.... whipped. But you can't make him take the kid and perhaps its just as well.

My only advise is that you explain to your child, in age appropriate language, the truth just as you've told us only without any of your opinions of what is going on. Then ask if she has questions and again honestly answer them. More questions will come in the future.

Once she knows the truth and comprehends it she may ask her father herself why he's not standing up for her.

..... deleted.

So Damned angry but nope.

Good thing you dumped this ball-less loser. The best thing IMHO is for your DD to have as little to do with her useless sackless father and his asshole wife as possible.

I can understand why SM would prefer to not have your DD there when her husband is away but your worthless POS XH allowing someone/anyone to control and limit his time with his child just labels him as the sackless wonder that he is. SM making her own son the priority over your daughter is natural but actively campaigning to keep her husband from his daughter is proof of a complete lack of character on your DD's SM's part.

Making the adult relationship at the center of the marriage the priority over any child(ren) is my committed default position in any family situation, blended or not. The relationship/marriage is always the priority but the kids are the primary responsibility. However, a spouse that would actively prevent and control in order to minimize the relationship between their partner and that partner's child is not worthy of being a priority IMHO. BioDad needs to jerk a knot in his brides tail and let her know in no uncertain terms that she will never again try to minimize his relationship with his daughter or it will cost her the marriage and custody of their son.

I suggest that you inform your XH if he does not step up and get his bride under control that you will step in to protect your daughter from the pain that XH's lack of man sack is causing her. Sadly if you must take this step your DD will likely not have a relationship with her little brother until they are both old enough to make it happen in spite of your DD's SM

IMHO of course.

Good luck.