Step-surreality
I don't dislike my kids, I dislike the surreal expectations they all have of me. For example: At the other houses, the BMs are both mentally ill, so they sit on the couch eating ice cream or smoking pot all day and the kids take care of themselves AND their mothers. All if a sudden they act like royalty at our house- cook, clean and bathe me??? They keep their parents' car clean then trash mine then laugh at my kids that they have to ride in a dirty car when I'm the only one that ever takes them anywhere. Like I said, I'm the bad nanny (because a good nanny is allowed to do at least some disciplining while I can't because if I say " Sweetie, can you please put that wrapper in the trash for me?" it turns into "she's mean to us"... so I say nothing). Here's another one: I ask what anyone wants to eat then make it- once I make say pancakes, the skids start taking out pots and pans and say "I want eggssss..." and all of a sudden I have an entire kitchen full of a mess and you know what? They take maybe one bite and the mess sits there. If I ask for help cleaning up, I get attitude and eye rolling and maybe even tantrums,so I clean it all up like a bad nanny... And the stories go on.
My husband is a good man. Our
My husband is a good man. Our marriage is really the way it should be, but neither of us likes drama and yelling,so we do the best we can. My therapist diagnosed SD11 and SD6 with RAD, which is like a cancer, some get healed over time and some don't. I really do love them like my own, but they don't. They want to eradicate anything that gets in the way of them and their parents. BMs BF is the same as me, he does and buys things for and with them, and they treat him very badly. They even hate themselves when they start liking me, it is really painful to watch. They are very disturbed and developmentally regressed. They also cling onto entitlement like it's their survival. For ex I make 7 bread rolls, one for each of us, and they would take more than one, take a bite out of each and leave them on the plate, the plate on the table and noThank Youeither. It takes a World War to get them to bathe, they either walk right by me, or smother me with what they want me to do for them. The Only thing they have not yet done is hurt me. SD6 smacked everyone but me, but now that stopped. SD 6 is coming around, but she takes so much energy, there is none left for her sister (who BTW had to raise her when she herself was barely a baby). At this point, if I withdraw from them, they will be left behind and future consequences of teen pregnancy and delinquency will be worse!
Well, this is the problem:
Well, this is the problem: these kids are soooo wayyyy off track, that if I WAS to point out all the things they need to work on daily, it would be such an unpleasant environment between us. So, we just survive the 3 days a week until they go to BM, and hope they learn by example...
I very much appreciate your
I very much appreciate your replies! Agreed. I am gently introducing new parenting concepts, one day at a time. Today, SD is pouting. They are never openly rude, but you can see their little minds struggling to understand their worlds. For example- I just saw a text between ss11 and her BM that conspired against what Dad said. The BM is truly the driving force behind this poor child's upbringing. They both lie to Dad consistently and today was the first day when DH realized that her BM is conspiring to lie to us. Until now, everyone blamed SD11and I don't think a child should be blamed. BM has been planting ideas that SD is bipolar, ADHD, a bad child, a liar, a drama queen, and it has become clear to us that she is fueling her behavior and even encouraging it. I don't even know where to start helping her understand that I'm her only chance at becoming a balanced adult. Now BM's BF is texting SD11 that he wants them all to move to Arizona and texts her amazing pix of some dream life. Their idea of parenting is: behave badly and when people are into you, lie or move away.
Well said! Well, I'm glad I
Well said! Well, I'm glad I found this site. My struggle is to not lay into her when all she really is is the product of her upbringing. I tried so many times to talk to her, and when I did establish what I thought was a friendship, she instantly took advantage of me like she hated that she actually connected with me.