Step kids behaviour is causing a wedge between me and my partner
Hi
This is my first post on here and to be honest I just needed to rant, I think my best friend is sick of hearing about how badly behaved my step kids are and she can't relate so hopefully someone in here will be able to feel my pain.
Me and my partner have been together a little over a year, he has two kids aged 6 and 10 and I have two kids aged 6 and 9. Everything has been great with the kids until the last few months where it's become very apparent that mine and my partners parenting styles are very different. His daughter who is 6 has become incredibly difficult recently, having tantrums about pretty much anything and everything, refusing to do as she's asked, spoiling every day out we go on with her foul temper and meltdowns, refusing to eat most things we cook for her, the list goes on, and my partner does very little to discipline her, in his eyes she's Daddy's little angel and he doesn't see what the problem is with most of the behaviour I just listed.
I find this incredibly hard to deal with but I've learned that saying anything about it to him is a bad idea, he doesn't like it if I imply that she's naughty or that her behaviour effects everyone else (which it does) so I have to keep my mouth shut which then causes tension, I honestly don't know what to do about it because I can't stand to be around her at the moment and I know my partner has noticed a change in how I am around her, I love my partner very much but I'm scared this issue is going to cause some serious problems in our relationship if I can't get past it.
Can anyone else relate to this? Does anyone else want to rant to me about their situation? Or has anyone got any advice?
Thanks
Until your BF realizes that
Until your BF realizes that he is doing his daughter no favors by allowing/encouraging her poor behaviors.. I'm not sure that there is much hope.
On your end, you can choose to continue to go on outings.. to be ruined. You can speak up.. you can drive separately..prepared to leave when she misbehaves etc.
The behaviors you are talking about don't seem uber unusual for a 6 yo.. but the parent's lack of ability to correct them? that's a problem.
This final point is really the most important. You are seeing in living color, your partner's refusal to be a parent to a child.
Let me be clear.. this is NOT a stepchild problem. Children generally behave as they are allowed to behave. They aren't born with manners and self control.. they have to be taught.. and encouraged to behave appropriately. It's their parent's JOB to raise kids that other people WANT to be around.. and grow into adults that people want to have as friends and partners.
Your partner is failing his child.. he is also failing you.. but you have an escape route.. you CAN leave... that kid is going to grow up "wrong" because daddy didn't care enough to teach her to behave any better.
Thanks for your response, it
Thanks for your response, it's really helpful.
It's strange because my BF is a really good Dad in general and he's very strict with his DS who is 10 but he treats his DD completely differently, he let's her get away with murder and panders to her every whim. I'm not sure if it's because he feels guilty about the split with their Mum (which wasn't his choice) but he's definitely not doing her any favours letting her get away with this behaviour.
It's such a difficult situation, I had no idea it would be this hard.
In retrospect....
I am going to respond in terms of what I WISH I had done early on with my skids. Keep in mind, I didn't have my Bios until the skids were grade school/junior high, but I wish I had responded this way for my own sanity, rather than getting upset, trying to negotiate with DH or Skids, or basically readjusting my whole life on their whims. Examples for you:
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SD6 has a full on tantrum at dinner because she doesn't like the food.
You: "Bless her heart, she's been under the table for a good ten minutes crying her heart out."
SO: "She's fine, just leave her alone. I've got this under control."
You: "Of course, you're her father, I won't say a word to her. But out of curiousity, do you have any suggestions such that the rest of us can enjoy our dinner? It's quite hard to hear over the screaming."
SO: "You're overreacting, it's not that bad."
You: "Oh my mistake, perhaps I am overreacting. Well, the rest of us are done. Your turn for dishes since I cooked tonight, hon"!
SO: "I'm busy right now, can't you do them?"
You: "Oh gosh no. I'm sure you don't want me doing ALL the work. Good luck, hon!"
Ignore glares from SO, slap a sincere smile on your face and walk away. Do what you would normally do with your own kids after dinner.
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SD6 loses her ****ing mind because she doesn't want to go to the amusement park with the family.
You: "Kids, please get in the car now, we are leaving."
SO: "SD6 really doesn't want to go, so let's figure out something else."
You: "We had plans to do this all week. Surely we shouldn't disappoint the other three kids."
SO: "I can't believe you are dividing the family!"
You: "Hmmm? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the screaming. Anyway, as I was saying, it's unfortunate that DS6 doesn't want to join us. I suppose you will have to stay with her. Your tickets are on the counter in case you change your minds. "
SO: "You should be staying home with us or finding something that ALL the kids want to do"
You: "Well gosh, now I'm confused. Are you saying that you want the other 5 people in the family to change plans at the last minute for 1 person who, until this morning, was happy to attend? I'll have to spend some time wrapping my mind around that. But for now, I really do need to go. Toodles!"
And then leave to enjoy your activity. Let SO deal with SD6 on his own. If he doesn't let Skid10 go, then just take your Bios.
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Basically, don't try to parent a child who isn't your own, especially when said child sounds like a tyrant with an over-indulgent father. Your SO doesn't want to hear criticism of his special snowflake, even though deep down, he is probably ready to lose his s*** over her behavior. If you don't like her behavior, approach SO as you would any other adult over their child. Or walk away from it and let SO handle it. But do not pick up the slack for him. He doesn't get a free pass on the rest of his life because he can't handle his kid. He needs to learn the hard way.
Thank you for your response,
Thank you for your response, I think you're right, my SO does know deep down her behaviour is awful, he just doesn't want anyone to point it out, I mean I get it, nobody wants to hear people bad mouthing their kids but he needs to be realistic and realise it's me that's saying it and my intentions aren't to be nasty it's to help her.
I just need to take a big step back I think, which is harder than it sounds but I don't want anything to do with her when she's misbehaving, I just don't think my SO will be very happy with me disengaging and as a result I think he'll disengage with my kids which would upset my DS particularly because he really enjoys his company and playing on the xbox with him etc.
The problem with asking a
The problem with asking a child to do something is the missimpression that they have the choice to say no. Quit asking a 6yo to do something and tell her what she is going to do. Then closely supervise as she does it while providing guidance on doing it properly.
She eats what is served or she goes hungry. She won't wait long to eat once any other option is removed.
End of part of the problem.
The other issue is the tolerance of the tantrums by daddy and by you. So, next tantrum turn to your SO and inform him that he takes her away from the rest of the family until the tantrum ends or you will and that will mean her being placed in an isolated room, the door will be closed and she will stay there until the tantrum ends.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
6yos are not complicated beings. And their issues are not complicated to resolve. Structure, establish standards of behavior, enforce those standards, and apply age appropriate escalating disciplinary consequences until you find the balance that modifies her behavior.
And... Lather, rinse, repeat.
Daddy can consider her his little princes but that does not mean her crap should be spewed on everyone else in the blended family. Give daddy clarity and take a zero tolerance stance.
An occassional tantrum is one thing. Regular tantrum throwing and crappy behavior that negatively impacts anyone else in the home/family should be unacceptable and dealt with immediately and effectively.
Good luck.
Hopefully you can raise your new DH to actually parent.
Thank you for your response,
Thank you for your response, I completely agree with what you've said and I parent my kids that way but my SD is a tough cookie, she flat refuses to do as she's told at times and it doesn't matter what you threaten her with, she won't do it. She responds to everything by having a meltdown and then stamping off upstairs to her room where she then screams, trashes her bedroom and stamps on the floor until the whole house is shaking. If it's not that, her standard response to most things is "I've got tummy ache" which she thinks is a get out of everything tactic.
I honestly don't think my OH knows how to handle her, he does try to be firm but he tries to talk to her like an adult and reason with her and it comes across to me as pandering to her like he's asking her to "please stop" and not telling her she "will stop" this behaviour, it's strange though because he's very strict with his DS so he is capable of being firm.
I can totally relate, and
I can totally relate, and sadly I have just given up. I can't take the stress of what I think should happen, not happening. It started causing major propblems in marriage. I have excpeted the fact that 2 SEPARATE families live in my house....
It doesn't make for a great home life, but basically in my house my kids have a different set of rules and expectations....and DH's kids have a different set of rules and expectations.
It goes like this....my kids eat what I cook for dinner....DH's kids complain and either eat nothing or he makes them something different than everyone else......my kids have to clean up after themselves....DH's kids leave their shit all over and pick up nothing...can't even put a dish or wrapper away....my kids have to clean their rooms....DH's kids have never cleaned their rooms...my kids can't eat in their rooms....DH's kids can eat/drink and throw food against the wall and smother it in the carpets....my kids don't get to do things or buy things unless they have homework done and rooms picked up.....DH's kids can do anything they want no matter what......DH's kids think they are excempt from lifting a finger.......he allows it and I think he believes it too...idiots.
Thanks for your response, wow
Thanks for your response, wow that sounds really stressful, I've actually suggested to my OH that we parent our kids seperately because I'm much stricter than he is, he doesn't see a problem with his kids wrecking the sofa or eating with their hands and then wiping their hands all over the table or eating with their mouths open and things like that I just won't tolerate but he said he didn't think that would work and that we needed to meet in the middle with what was allowed. I'm just not convinced that would work though as I'm not prepared to lower my standards when it comes to behaviour.
My OH has become very defensive when it comes to his kids now and jumps down my throat if I even begin to imply that one of his kids has done something wrong, it's causing so much tension, I hate it.
Is this child in therapy? She
Is this child in therapy? She needs to learn coping strategies other than meltdowns and tummyaches. I would find a therapist to work with her to see if there's something going on here other than her being a total brat. This is not typical 6 year old behavior.