Step kids = divorce?
I am literally pulling my hair out after an ongoing 3 year battle with my husbands daughter.
We have been together 6 years and married in 2018, but already I fear divorce is looming and a huge part of our struggles, relates to his kids.
He has a daughter who is now 15 and a son, 11. I've never been a maternal person, I live for animals not people and was clear from day one, his kids are his responsibility not mine. I've always got on with the kids, his daughter especially. At one point we were very close. But, I've never wanted children or that family lifestyle and we married each other knowing that. I rarely have anything to do with them as a family. I don't go on holiday with them and days out as a 4 are rare. I know my partner struggles with this as he wants the 'normal' family lifestyle but I was honest from the start, I wasn't that person.
His daughter has always been particularly challenging and over the past 3 years things have escalated dramatically. Her behaviour is incredibly difficult to deal with and despite working with numerous professionals, including social services, schools and councillors, nothing seems to be making any difference. She is like Jackle and Hyde. Lovely one minute and completely unhinged the next. She has, on numerous occasions attacked my husband, her mother and step father, leaving cuts and bruises on their arms, face abd bodies. The police have been called to intervene before also and she has threatened family members with weapons.
But its what happens after all this that is causing so much trouble between my husband and I. There are no consequences for his daughter's actions and after an episode where she has exploded, its all brushed under the carpet straight away and every one plays happy families until it happens again.
After 3 years of living like this, I am now at my absolute wits end. My husband and I are at loggerheads over her. I don't want her living with us anymore, he's very much forgive, forget and move on. I don't feel like my views or opinions are respected by my husband, things are very much his way in most areas of our relationship.
We argue like cat and dog now and 90% of the time or relates to one of the kids. Has anyone else had step children tear their relationship apart and if so, at this point, do we sound like we are beyond repair?
Its hard when she is a minor because she needs to be
With her dad during his custody times but that doesn’t mean you are expected to suck it up and tolerate it.
when its adult kids who are disrespectful and unbearable to live with and their attitude and behaviour causes so many issues in your marriage because your spouse has given up on addressing them, then i totally get putting your foot down that adult skid is not in your home
so many times my adult ss (now 21.5) would shun me and my kids with hubby, disrespectful, answer back with the most pathetic excuses and when hubby would address it and told him off he would say he did nothing wrong despite admitting he intentionally did those horrible things and then he would shrug his shoulders.
sd’s actively did their best to put me in my place and belittle me, i refuse to attend any events or be around them.
me and hubby actually bought a house recently together that will be skid free. They invade our privacy, actively try to destroy our marriage and break us up...
all i can say is we still have issues but when they are out of control there are no buts.... he just addresses it immediately
Yes, stepkids cause a lot of.problems
It's why most blended families divorce. The fact is, blended families are unnatural . Then you add a kid with behavioral issues, and it is even worse. I can relate to all of this. My sd has a lot of issues and no consequences and doesn't get the help she needs. SO defends her on everything. 90% of our fights are about her . I have decided to leave. I cannot and do not want to live like this anymore where we are constantly fighting and nothing is resolved. Had it just been me and my SO we could have such a different life. But he doesn't respect my opinions, wont share things with me, and anytime I say anything abo his kid, he loses it. That is no way to live. I think when you fught that much and someone doesnt respect you, It is time to go. Relationships can't and shouldnt be one way.
I agree with you Dizzyjell.
I agree with you Dizzyjell. Modern blended families are unnatural. Meaning, modern divorce is "unnatural," although that is not the best way to put it. There has actually been step-families for hundreds and hundreds of years. Looking at my own ancestral line, for example, I have multiple ancestors that were remarried 2+ times. One ancestor was married 4 times with 17 children, all from four different mothers. WHAT is different, however, is that back then bio-mom or bio-dad had passed on. Men often died in battle and women often in childbirth. Children in the not so distant past may have had a new dad or new mom, but they were thought of as mom and dad, because the bio-parent had passed on.
And, most significantly, this was even expected. "Til death do us part." People back then expected a mom or dad to remarry quickly, and if anything, be it for convenience sake. A woman needed a provider and a man needed someone to take care of his children. Children were treated like children and adults were treated like adults. Other than the Grimm Brothers fairy tales, no one really took offense at such a blended family as this.
Now in the 20th century, a big twist started being thrown in the for the first time, and that is divorce, and that meant bio-mom or bio-dad was still living. This was a new one. Rather than coming up with new terms and even new strategies for how to deal with a blended family with bio-mom and dad still around, the old ancient terms and rules were kept. Although some of the nuances are the same, in other ways, it's like trying to get a square peg into a round hole. Society has always struggled with this new concept.
And, to make matters worse, our society keeps trying to pretend that divorce = happily ever after for mom, dad and the kids. PLUS, every day our society becomes more and more child-centric, which can mean that children rule the roost just as much if not more than the adults. All this creates a huge problem for step-parents. We wind up with very little, if any, authority in our own household. We only have the authority if our husband, and, yes, even bio-mom gives it to us. We are told that if we just sit back and suck it up and let the bios do whatever they want, then it will be happily ever after for the divorced family. Step-parents make very convenient scapegoats for all, even for our spouses. Kids are acting up? Well, it's Evil SMs fault and not any kind of fall-out from the divorce, of course.
Personally, I think this divorce-favored, child-favored culture is so messed up, that it will be many, many years before step-parents are finally given the place and recognition they deserve--and that is respect as dad or mom's spouse or long-term SO and respect for helping out with someone else's child. It takes a village to raise a child. This is not going to happen overnight, by any means. You are going to see many more frustrated step-parents and a high divorce rate among step-families before it begins to even remotely get better.
All of the above is what makes the current blended family unnatural and relationships so one-sided. Society really needs to get its act together on this. It needs to, for one thing, accept that divorce does not nor should not equal happily ever after. It needs to not accept any sort of obnoxious behavior from children whether they are children of divorce or not. It needs to insist that parents parent rather than blaming the step-parent for childhood angst that is more than likely due to mom and dad's seperation than anything else. It needs to recognize that it IS possible for mom or dad to remarry. It needs to recognize that parents are parents for life, but they are not a joined-at-the-hip couple for life. There is much more. And, yep, until society recognizes all of this, unfortunately, step-parenting will too often = step hell.
VERY interesting views
There needs to be more studies and more educational materials on this topic, alone.
With a 50% divorce rate in the US alone (more $$$ for lawyers!), thats MILLIONS of people with children trying to find happiness with someone else, trying to make things work with a new person and THEIR children & exes. AND with a 70% divorce rate for second marriages with children (or more), this definitely has become a major societal problem.
Except there are people/businesses/companies that benefit from the divorce/marriage machines. And large profits to be gained.
Changing people's attitudes is the #1 thing, start small, make a movie about it, write songs that become popular, grassroots. Write blogs, make a netflix film. IDK. How to solve a societal issue with children, blended families and Steplandia
Yes, i think all of us
Yes, i think all of us blogging here, and giving real-life experiences definitely is a start to changing those ol' rules that no longer fit (or maybe never fit). We all need to pat ourselves on the back *give_rose*.
It is your marital home. If
It is your marital home. If you don't want her there, she is not there.
This position may end your marriage but.... is a marriage where your DH has a bad case of double infection with Ostritch Syndrome and The Emporer's New Clothes Oculitis over his toxic daughter really worth your time?
Good luck.
Take care of you.
SD could be bipolar
She should be professional look at. If she is bipolar no punishment is going to make a difference. Meds may.
This is now up to you to decide if you could, or want to live this way or not. You can disengage from SD, let DH handle her. As long as he replaces what she destroys, And you get weekends alone every now and again. Every other month. Vacation that are with out SD. Once or twice a year,
Bipolar response
She has been seen by numerous doctors, medical professionals, social workers and phychiatrists. Her issue is anger related. She has had every kind of help you can imagine offered to her by the NHS and private.
Carlow, I think perhaps you
Carlow, I think perhaps you had to learn the hard way much like I did, although I didn't marry my now ex-boyfriend. I let him know from the start that my kids are adults and independent which means my nest is empty and I I am not playing mom to anyone's kids. That I don't tolerate disrespectful people, especially a man's kids. Those are absolute dealbreakers for me. Well he still pursued me and a relationship with me. All his kids are adults but his youngest daughter who he tried to paint as being a saint turned out to be horrific. I already knew that if she ever over stepped boundaries and became a problem in our relationship my now ex was going to her the truth about his daughter and then he would never see me again. So when his daughter who is now 24 had a tantrum, disrespected him, disrespected our relationship, verbally abused him, then demanded money from him, I told him some harsh realities about his daughter then broke with him. Though he was trying to win me back, I didn't allow it. Especially after all I read on this board and all the advice I got. I broke up with him several months ago and he still hasn't moved on. I pretty certain he was trying to groom me to be a mom figure to her. Despite me reminding him time and time again she wasn't my responsibility he actually started trying to force me to take on the responsibility. No way in hell was I allowing him to put the responsibility of his problem adult kid off on me. No way, no how.