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SS constantly talking about “mummy”

FantaCat's picture

Sorry, just need a rant. 

I don't know how much longer I can listen too my SS (3) talking about "Mummy". Mummy this, mummy that. He even talks about dad and mummy doing things together. "Dad, you and mummy and me go on holiday?". It's driving me insane.

She's a horrid, narcissist, drama-loving hateful controlling cow yet he will always be the best mum in the world to him and I will always have to make 10 X the effort to be appreciated. 

What's worse, I'm worried my partner will feel like SS is struggling with the change of being without dad & mum together and think he's done the wrong thing being with me. 

 

Reconsidering EVERYTHING! Not sure I'm cut out for this. Help. 

 

JRI's picture

The little boy is only 3, Mummy is all he knows.  I know it is irritating, especially when you know the type of adult she is.  Perhaps reframe your vision of yourself to being "Nice Aunt"?  Dont most of us have a favorite aunt we adored?  She always played with us, remembered holidays, etc.  She didn't discipline.  Perhaps doing this (reframing) would let you move forward.

This child is 3, he will be in your life a long time.  As long as your DH is being a responsible father, not a Disney Dad, you should be ok.  Good luck!

skell76's picture

SD6 doesn't dote on her but she's into funny stories and shares about her mom or what she has/does at Mom's house. Her mom makes life living hell and is a complete nightmare for us so I'd prefer to never hear of her or think of her. But it's her mom, she loves her and I have to respect that. 

SD also shares that she can't ever get space from her mom and her mom questions her all the time when she picks her up so she shares the good and bad. We just try to give her an open place to feel comfy to talk about her mom, if I can't take it I walk away. We are grown ups and we can do that.  

If you can't take this now, I'd definitely rethink. 

Steppingaside's picture

Take It from me, i am 11 years in and my SS was 3 when we got together. My SD was only a few months old. The very best advice I can give you is to let go of caring what that child thinks of you. 
You do NOT need the approval of a 3 year old. Let him get on with it. The sooner you realise it doesn't matter what that kid thinks of you, the easier your life will be. Let your OH parent the boy and keep out of it. Keep your mouth shut. Do not correct the child or try to discipline him. He's not yours and he is no reflection on you. 
I promise you this helps!

good luck. 

tog redux's picture

He's only 3 - but yes, part of being a stepparent is knowing and accepting that the bio parent will always be favored over you - as it should be. You don't need to jump through hoops to gain his acceptance, you don't need his acceptance at all.  But if you are finding it hard to not take personally a toddler's words about his mother, you may be right that this isn't for you.

Get to know him, play with him, treat him well and he may very well like you very much - but never as much as his mother. But you don't have to do anything except be kind to him. You aren't obligated to do anything else.

FantaCat's picture

Thank you all. 

He is lovely, sweet and I adore him, he really likes me too and talks about me all the time to dad if I'm not there. I suppose I just resent her and secretly sometimes wish he'd not talk about her when she's made our lives hell. But I do understand that's not going to happen. 

Sigh. Sometimes I love this life and sometimes I just feel so totally exhausted. 

shamds's picture

It was bio mum this and step dad that. Literally the second they got in our car they were pre programmed to volunteer a rundown rant of bio mum and stepdads life

it was to rub it in how superior they were. Hubby would ignore because hell the fury of a thousand suns from bio mum till i told hubby how bullshit this was and how sick and tired of this noise pollution i was and how me and our 2 kids didn't need to be subjected to this crap.

i told hubby he claimed this is a family meet up for quality family time but what quality time are we having when its all about bio mum and stepdad about the most mundane things and of no importance to report on

then it hit me, these sd's have no respect of marital privacy or respect period so no wonder they rant on non stop. Hubby finally late last year told them off bio mum and stepdad were not family to us and it was extremely disrespectful with me being there to rant on and on about bio mum because bio mum is not our family and hubby is happily married to me and cares about me not bio mum

hect their stepdad was having an affair together with bio mum whilst she was married to hubby. How do you think that makes him feel to know the affair guy is held in high regard by the stepdaughters despite kicking them our of his home. You can thank pas, narcissm and massive brainwashing for that!!

FantaCat's picture

I suppose this is what I worry about more so than what he's saying now, he's only young and I know mummy is the most important person in his life..

But I hope there's a time when I'm within my rights to say please stop talking about mummy to me, I'm not interested. 

I don't want to hear how great she is all the time when she's a little witch! Immature I know but it just gets to me. 

JRI's picture

I doubt that you will ever want to actually say, "Stop talking about Mummy to me" because that relays a negative vibe to tbe child, imo.  I dont think its a good idea to convey anything negative about the bio parent.  You can act it out, though, by not giving remarks about her much response.  Much later, your DH can, in an age-appropriate way, start delivering some truths.  Its better if those truths come from him rather than you.

Believe me, I know how frustrating it is to maintain the high road day after day with a high-conflict BM. But, you will be glad you did.  Good luck!

shamds's picture

Back of bio mum and her love life and whats going on, if the dad is already married, it is rude to just rant on. Dads do have the right to say "knock it off!! I don't need to know this stuff about your mum and its rude to non stop be ranting about her all kinds of mundane things in front of my wife and other kids"

I don't agree it sets a negative tone, its about respect too and that needs to go both ways. 

especially if bio mum is a hostile woman who abandoned and neglects the kids, they shouldn't be in lala land singing her praises non stop.

even my husband got fedup our whole family meets were rundowns on bio mum and stepdad the whole friggin time and skids knew what they were doing. There is a point when kids go too far with this crap and you don't need to be subjected to all day mummy this mummy that nonsense like they're trying to put you in your place, it is rude and disrespectful and goes far beyond letting daddy know we did something fun las week

charlieskeeper1's picture

He is 3. He does not understand that going on about Mummy may bother you. Kids that age have short memories & experiences to recall upon so his Mum & Dad are much of his life experience. This is perfectly normal. You describe him positively other than this. As the adult you need to get over it. If you can learn to accept that his Mummy is of vital importance to him & always will be BUT that you can be a lovely part of his life too, you may feel happier.

As time passes, you will create more memories with him that he will start to bring up. It just takes time.

Also, the negatives you say about his Mum, have faith, he will gradually see them BUT she's still his Mum so is likely to overlook/forgive/accept them. I suggest you give him the best version of you that you can & focus on that, not his mentions of Mummy.

Wahhhh's picture

Reading this- I cannot believe until 2 years ago I've never even considered how hard being a step is. I've just assumed the whole "well you knew he had kids" rubbish. 
every day I feel like I'm making more problems for my partner- and it would be easier if i wasn't here. 

Rags's picture

Be direct. "No.  Your mummy and daddy will not go on holiday. They are not family.  You will go on holiday with your mommy, and you will go on holiday with your daddy and me.  But we will never all  go on holiday together."

Lather, rinse, repeat.