SS 6yo hates and physically hurts BS 17mo

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Hi there, not sure how this works.

My OH has 2 children from pre relationship. We have them every other w/e. Ss's were 2 & 4 when OH and I met, now 6&8

Kids live 2 hours away so we split the weekend with OH mother, she has one of the ss and we have the other, following w/e we swap.

When pregnant with BS both SS's were happy and involved in pregnancy, scans, scrapbooking etc very excited. As soon as bs was born ss6 began behaving oddly, the first time we let ss6 hold baby he threw him off (he was sat on sofa and baby was fine). We put it down to new circumstances as ss6 was no longer the 'baby'.

Bs is now 17mo and it has got increasingly worse. Ss6 ignores him, cries if he is left in the room with him and edges away if bs goes anywhere near him. When we encourage them to sit together when watching a film or quiet time and bs even touches ss6 he begins to make weird faces, like odd faces and shivers like the touch of his baby brother is making his sick. Dd8 is more than happy to spend time with bs and plays with his baby toys but at the same time does not play with ss6 any less. Ss6 has hit bs with controls, slapped his arms and hands, pinched and at one time pushed him almost off the sofa, all of these to a 17mo would be pretty painful.

none of these instances were in brotherly play fight manner, he does them when you have left the room. I only know about these times as I have continued to watch them where ss6 could not see me and he looks around to see if anyone is watching before he does it. If bs doesn't cry he does it again. Everytime I have caught him he has been immediately confronted but calmly to ask why and then he is given a time out and asked to apologise (verbally explaining what ge is apologising for) in a hope he registers that what he is doing is wrong.

we have asked him what Is wrong, he shrugs and says he doesn't know but then in the next breath says he hates bs, refuses to sleep in the same room as him and cries when he is due to spend time here. Bs never noticed before but now he is older and walking he is aware that ss6 moves away and ignores him, he is used to ss8 playing with him as well as other children who visit our home so now bs I becoming very upset that his brother does not want him and hurts him when he tries to play. I do not allow them alone together now - not until this settles.

The boys are treated the same, get one on one with dad and have regular trips out as a family. Ss's regularly do things with dad like bike rides and basketball as bs is still too little so they are not being left out in any way, I bake with them and do crafts without bs as well. If things were bad here or they felt left out or that bs was loved more then we would be having issues with both ss but were not. Ss8 always wants to stay here. Bs is a very content baby, he doesn't cry and makes a huge amount of noise so he is not annoying the boys with whingeing. Ss6 cries when they go to bed and comes into our room in the middle of the night because he says he doesn't want to sleep in the same room as bs.

I'm at the end of my patience now as I have been fair and kind but at the end of the day my son is in danger of being hurt and I cannot tell him at 17mo that he cannot even stroke his big brothers arm incase he gets pushed off the sofa

OH is at his wits end, at first he tried to put it down to simple jealousy as did I, but when the behaviour got more aggressive and he voiced the fact he hated his little brother my OH had to start putting his foot down. Problem is ss6 now doesn't want to stay here at all but he cannot be in control and not spend time with his family - if we give in and say he can stay at MIL every weekend they come down then he will never have to deal with bs and get over whatever it is he is going through.

I am scared to leave ss6 with bs especially at night in case he hurts bs in his cot - I feel like I'm going crazy. I love my ss's I always have, I've watched them grow from toddlers, but ss6 is making me dread the w/e he is due to stay

Were there any questions in

Were there any questions in that reply or just judgements? My oh children live over 2 hours away, bm will only allow oh to have kids every other weekend. The children were moved away after Ss6 turned 1 and we have been doing this for 5 years - never having any behavioural issues until bs was born. Oh leaves 6am every other sat, arrives 8am collects boys takes them to football where they live, drives back returns lunchtime, spend the afternoon with the kids, gives them dinner and then drops whichever of the boys whose turn it is to their nans at 6.30pm, collects back at 9.30 Sunday morn, spends few hours with them again before taking them home for 3pm as demanded by bm to avoid disrupting their school night routine. Both boys used to stay with us however they have a close relationship with nan and asked if they could have one night here and one there so they could have alone time too - older of the boys likes his own space. My oh is the best father he can be with the time he is allowed to spend. Apart from overnight sleep (where they are asleep and not spending time with anyone apart from the cuddly toy) they are with their dad.

In regards to comments about take the baby with you - its all well and good but he should not be in danger in his home. Protecting my baby? Really - am I a psychic? Was I only knew my son was being hurt when he got hurt! I don't have my baby strapped to me when were at home he plays on the floor like other babies - as soon as he was hurt he was removed, I did not expect it to continue, when it did I put a stop to them being on their own - I feel like a parrot. I already said in my original that they are no longer left alone but I fear you only read what you wanted to. I am not asking for temp fixes , accusation if being bad parents when I know were not in looking for helpful comments and suggestions of what we can do differently to help ss. I sat and asked him when we were alone if I could help make it better and to help him feel better about staying at ours and he said to get bs out! He was so excited when I was pregnancy, called him super baby, drew him pictures for when he was born and then poof overnight hated him the day he was born.

Maybe wait for a reply before

Maybe wait for a reply before you get hot on your keyboard again!

^^^This

He spends the full weekend

He spends the full weekend every other w/e with them they just take it in turns where they sleep - their choice. I do tell him off but he seems like he is on the brink of a meltdown everytime so its hard. I don't want bm to stop letting him come down because he says he doesn't like it at our house anymore. The hitting has to stop.

He is given a time out sent to his room or a quiet area and if they were due to do an activity he is no longer allowed to do it. He always apologises after, then hysterically cries and then repeats that he hates bs. He goes home and tells bm he was put on naughty Step but doesn't tell her why and they she goes mental at oh saying I shouldn't be allowed to discipline. When its me that witnesses it and it is against my son to top it off I have no choice but to deal with it there and then! When oh explains what he did she says he probably didn't mean it and that's the end of convo apparently. Yet if my son punched hers and gave him a bruise I wouldn't hear the end of it

He spends the full weekend

Do you 'discipline' the kid

Do you 'discipline' the kid as quickly and hotly as you did a member here?

Again - you going to suggest

Again - you going to suggest what I can do to help or is everyone on this site just here to make people feel stupid? I'm not asking a six year old to be a genius im asking a six year who goes to school, who counts writes and reads and knows better to channel his feelings of frustraion in a way that doesn't result in my child being pinched punched and thrown from furniture.

Thanks, I get that and we are

Thanks, I get that and we are trying to work with him. BM will not allow more Tim than what we already have, oh goes up during the week if he isn't working but bm doesn't allow them to do anything outside if the house after 6pm. Our lives are difficult this end as she doesn't give much movement in when we can see them. When they are here dad spend most if the time with the boys and and about, its only really late afternoon he has to be around bs. We are talking to him, asking what he thinks will help but he just asks for bs to leave. When we tell him its ok to not live him straight away but that the same way he gets told in school for playing rough is the same at home especially with a baby as they are fragile but he just cries and repeats he hates him.bits hard because bm accepted what were telling her is happening then we could try and support ss in both homes but he denies any knowledge of what we tell her is happening.b

You may not be able to "fix"

You may not be able to "fix" the SS, but you sure can protect your BS. First step is to stop having SS and BS sleep in the same room. Next, just keep the baby away from SS. The rest is up to dad to fix/solve.

Do not leave the baby with

Do not leave the baby with SS6 at night. It seems pretty clear he will try and hurt the baby when no one is around and is they are sleeping in the same room it gives him pretty easy access.

Can your DH increase his parenting time? It does seem like the lack of time with his Dad would be difficult and increase his feelings of jealousy.

I'm not sure I can help much,

I'm not sure I can help much, but I also have a BS 19 months. It could definitely be jealousy- even if he says he hates him. My SS11 still shows signs of jealousy with DS, and we have 50/50. I'm not for smacking kids (for the most part...) because that is what he will replicate, but DH needs to be more stern when confronting him about it IMO. Maybe try something other than a timeout- no tv/tablet or quiet time in room for awhile. I would DEFINITELY not let them sleep in the same room. Maybe DS can sleep in your room? If you don't like that, you could put a lock on outside of DS's door. That would make me feel much more comfortable.
All in all, I have heard a lot of crazy stories about intact families and crazy jealous siblings trying to throw babies in the garbage or in the toilet. 6 is probably a little old for that stuff but maybe the pinching and slapping is testing out his little brother (what makes him mad), but keep it in check as much as possible. If it escalates, have him see a therapist or worst case, tell DH he can only spend time with SS somewhere else- especially if it's for such a brief time. There should be no reason you should have to fear for your DS's safety in your own home. You know, aside from the usuals.... Stairs, knives, outlets, fireplaces etc... Haha.

Thanks for that. I think we

Thanks for that. I think we need to try and get bm on side. If she acknowledges the problems were having then hopefully ss will trust what he is doing is wrong. While she is excusing his behaviour for accidents and overreactions by us I don't think he will take it seriously. She says things like that in front of him when oh returns they boys home and he tells BM what's happened. Its just becoming exhausting as the older ss8 is getting fed up of ss6 and has started wanting to be with his dad without ss6 because of the crying and behaviour toward bs (ss8 is close to bs).

I think I will put him in travel cot in my room for now when ss6 stays. But my OH has said it allows ss6 to think he has won by makings bs get out of his room. He has suggested that if he doesn't want to stay with his brother he can sleep downstairs without the luxury. I just don't know.

He's 6, I'm not sure he'll

He's 6, I'm not sure he'll quite understand why he doesn't get a bed... Good luck with BM, I wouldn't bank on her helping you at ALL. We took away SS11 iPod because he was playing on it instead of watching DS for like 30 seconds (which he was asked to set iPod down and do) and DS crawls over to fireplace and launches himself head first into the stone. SS told (tattled to) BM we took iPod away when he saw her at soccer the next day and she got all defensive of SS and said, "well maybe he shouldn't hold the baby then..." Your SS can think he's won all he wants, but DS is sleeping safe by you and that's all that really matters.

I just fell in love with

I just fell in love with Squidlet!

I completely agree with you,

I completely agree with you, Squidlet. Fathers can only do so much when everything is against them.

I see your two cents and

I see your two cents and raise you three, lol-- well said wife321!

I don't know why you're

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time here. Obviously you came here to get advice, not be criticized.

I can completely understand your frustration and concerns over this whole thing. I am so protective my DD2. If my SD was hurting her in any way I would be livid. Since you are not one of SS's parents, your main priority should be protecting your own child. I wouldn't let your BS anywhere near SS when he's visiting. Is there any way you can change the sleeping arrangements?

I joined this group literally

I joined this group literally an hour before I posted. I didn't know what to expect but certainly did not expect to be labelled an unloving step mother when I so clearly stated how much effort and time goes into making my ss's happy while they are here. We do our best with the time we are given and I will not apologise for not uprooting my family and moving away from my support and my BS family to live closer to a woman who threatens me throughout my entire relationship with dh and pregnancy with bs.its never going to happen and I wont apologise for it. My children ALL three of them blood or not are given love and attention every minute of the day that they are here. Both Ss got ipads last year from dh so he can facetime them throughout the week whenever he wants and if he was able to visit them in the week he would. I got support from those of you who suggested temp separation and extra time for ss6 with dh. I am happy to try these things, but for those of you who used my post to troll me, insult my parenting and suggest that one of my Ss is basically neglected, shame on you. Bitterness from whatever issues you have had should not be thrust on other people to make them feel less of a parent. My dh is a fantastic dad and fights harder than most men who have half the crazyness in a bm than what he deals with. In all of this you only think of poor ss6 - not one of you asked about ss8 who is beyond upset with how his brother behaves and ruins his time with his father and not one of you who jumped down my throat how were doing a crappy job asked if MY bs was ok and hopes there are no detrimental effect from being bullied at such a tiny age from someone he is trying to love - things that I am worried about.

Changing our living arrangement in the sense that bs will be sleeping in my room and they will be separated throughout the day. Completely removed from each others company if me or dh has to leave the room. Bs will be encouraged to leave ss6 alone to play and dh will continue to try his best with ss6 to help adjust to new situation. However my son will spend time with dh too, he cannot be shut out eow so that only ss6 is alone with dh - all three boys need their dad not just the one having a hard time. 4 days a month is all dh is allowed, so 4 days a month is what we do.

Thanks to those of you who tried to help.

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SS 6yo hates and physically hurts BS 17mo