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Bedrooms for Stepkids?

bananarama's picture

I’m a stepmom and have a dilemma with my stepkids and not having enough room for them to stay with us after we had a baby of our own.

My husband has two kids from his first marriage ages 12 (boy) and almost 16 (girl). They live out of state. We only see them on holidays and 4 weeks in the summer. We have a 5 month old baby and I have an 8 year old daughter from my first marriage who lives with us most of the time and visits her dad every other weekend. Our house has three bedrooms.

The guest room where his kids usually stayed is now the baby’s room. When they were here for Christmas we put his daughter in my daughter’s room and his son slept on the sofa in the family room. His ex was pissed off about the boy sleeping on the sofa and the two girls fought like cats and dogs the whole time.

His kids are scheduled to visit for spring break but they told their mom they don’t want to come unless they have their own rooms. The way his ex is, she would love to embarrass him and make him show the kids’ law guardian around our house with our beautifully furnished nursery and my daughter’s princess room with a canopy bed and then the air mattress for his daughter and the sofa his son sleeps on.

The only way of having a guest room is to convert the formal dining room to a guest room but when his kids are visiting we can’t all fit at the kitchen table. We looked at sleeper sofas but it would still need to be in the family room. For a month it’s going to be hard to have 2 kids with a 10 pm bedtime in the family room. The only other option is to put the baby in with my daughter’s room or in the master bedroom but it’s a small room and would be difficult to fit two beds or air mattresses in there with all baby’s furniture. Then there's the possible problem of a teenage girl and a boy sharing a room even though they are brother and sister. Finding 2 rooms for them would be impossible.

My husband wants to see his kids but we’re not sure what to do or what would count as adequate sleeping arrangements with limited space that’s not going to get us in trouble if their mom takes him to court. I'd appreciate any suggestions.

frustrated-mom's picture

It doesn’t matter what the kids or their BM say or think. There’s a court order that says the kids have to visit. If they don’t want to come, call the police and have a deputy escort them to their dad’s car if they refuse to go.

There’s nothing their BM can say about where the kids sleep. My DH has full custody of his daughter and she slept on the sofa in the living room that entire time she lived with us.

She whined and complained about it and said she was going to report us for child neglect for not buying a big house so she could have her own room, but all I told her was tough luck. She was lucky to have a roof over her head and a place to sleep. The biggest problem I had with it was her messing up the living room and our nice sofa.

bananarama's picture

I really want my stepkids to be welcome and feel like family. I don't want my stepson sleeping on the sofa, but we didn't have a lot of choices.

Trying to be better's picture

I think it's great that you care about the ss sleeping ont he sofa and don't want him to have to. A lot of people on these forums are like "his kids his problem". So it's kind of nice that your trying to make this work. You must love your husband a lot and really be a good person to open up your home to them and realize that they are your responsibility too now. Could you put the baby in your room, let the boy have the babies room and the girls share. It's just for a short time. I'm sure with a little encouragement the girls would have fun. The boy would appreciate the extra effort in giving him a space of his own. The baby won't know the difference. It may be a little uncomfortable but I'm sure your husband would appreciate your efforts and see that you really do care about his children. It's not like it's a permanent thing. They should feel like family since they are. It's important that they feel welcome and at home. They will respect you more for it. Then when other things come up, you won't be seen as the awful step mom who doesn't care, but the flexible one who really wants everyone to be comfortable. When you mention things that you would like to see change or that need to be worked on, people won't just discount your feelings and thoughts as those of a typical angry stepmom, but as a loving and caring parent who wants whats best for the kids and for the family...

liks's picture

Well back in the old days when families had 10 or more kids....what did they do???

How about putting up a tent out the back?

Turning the back shed into a bedroom?

When looking for a new house one of our skids told us that he wasnt moving unless he got his own room....HUH? spoilt brat was just trying to make impossible demands....I felt like saying/reminding him/bringing him back to earth " you live with your skanky mom,...not us....at your skanky mom's you sleep in the living room....so stop your attitude as you sound disgusting and spoilt"

You are somewhat responsible for clipping the ears back on these kids....they should be grateful they have a roof over their heads, that they are welcome in your house....im sure in their lives going forward their will be many houses they will crash at which wont have proper beds/bedrooms set up for them....and if their attitude isnt pulled up now....then they will keep it as they enter into adulthood

I would be firm...you do not have enough money to allow the skids to have their own room...nothing wrong with where ever you want them to sleep....let the skids know that IF THEY LIVED WITH YOU FULL TIME, YOU WOULD CERTAINLY GIVE THEM THEIR OWN ROOM...BUT WHILST YOUR PAYING ALL THIS MONEY IN CS YOU DO NOT HAVE THE FUNDS TO BUY A BIGGER HOUSE.

incidently....thats one reason why CS is so high...to compensate the custodial parent for having to pay extra money to accommodate the children...the extra bedrooms etc.

bananarama's picture

I didn't want to put the baby in my daughter's room at Christmas because she was still waking up throughout the night. By summer, that *hopefully* will not be a problem. I'm not sure about by spring break. My daughter loves her baby brother and wouldn't mind. But I want her to be able to sleep.

dreamingofhappiness's picture

Okay, first of all a teenage boy and a teenage girl are legally not allowed to share the same room. It is a gender thing and a curiosity thing. I have 1 teenage boy and 1 teenage girl, and 2 little ones (7 & 8)... My SD13 often sleeps in my bedroom, alone. and the 3 boys sleep on bunk beds, the little ones get the bottom bunk, and the older one gets the top. There have been numerous occasions where my SD13 get the top bunk and my SS15 will sleep on the couch.

Secondly. DO NOT CATER TO CHILDREN AND AN EX WHO ARE TRYING TO DICTATE YOUR LIFE! They are VISITORS IN YOUR HOME, not permanent fixtures!!!!

Now, Worse case scenario, Put the little two in your room with you and DH and separate the STEPS. clean out an attic, clean out the basement, there are numerous options... but Teenagers of opposite sex are not allowed to stay in the same room!!!

herewegoagain's picture

This legal stuff about teens sharing a room is a bit over the top. Nobody can tell parents what the sleeping arrangements in a home can be. If we allow the government to tell us that, pretty soon they will be telling us when to take a bath! WTH? And what, if you go on vacation, does that mean you get a SEPARATE room for each TEEN? Really? Please...

bananarama's picture

We are absolutely going to look into the legal requirements. If they are not allowed to be in the same room, then we do not want his ex nailing us for that.

But we also do not want them to feel like visitors or guests. They are my husband's children and are part of our family even though they live so far away. When they are here, we want them to feel welcomed and have their own space.

If we could have a large house with 5 bedrooms, it would be fantastic. We do not have a basement or an attic that could be furnished. We can't add-on to the house thanks to the HOA. We're very limited.

purpledaisies's picture

I can tell you from having to deal with foster care through my parents that in our state they don;t care if a boy and girl share a room if they are not in foster care. Only foster care kids have to have separate rooms if they are are a boy and girl. CPS told us that form their own mouths. Now I don;t know what it is in your state but that is how it is here.

Trying to be better's picture

They are not just regular visitors. That's their dads house. I have two step sons that I have very hard time dealing with sometimes. They came to stay with us. I have a daughter and a son that also live with us. We had a three bedroom house with 4 teenagers for three months (the whole summer) We put my son and his son who were the same age in a room together. They were both told to work it out and try to have fun. THEY DID. We put my daughter in a room alone and we took the other room. That left his older son with no room. We didn't have enough money to make any major changes... We closed the dining room off as best we could with a big shelf and a sheet... I know it sounds tacky, but we did what we had to do to make him feel like he wasn't being overlooked all together. It was the best we could do and I think everyone knew and appreciated that. I hate when SM's think of Skids as being visitors.

purpledaisies's picture

I never said I thought of them as visitors nor do i think of mine as visitors. You might want to reread what I said.I hate when people put words in my mouth.

Trying to be better's picture

I thought you meant visitors when you said

"Secondly. DO NOT CATER TO CHILDREN AND AN EX WHO ARE TRYING TO DICTATE YOUR LIFE! They are VISITORS IN YOUR HOME, not permanent fixtures!!!!"

Trying to be better's picture

I was commenting on that persons comments. I apologize if I put it in the wrong place.

purpledaisies's picture

Ok I thought you were posting to me and I knew I had never said such a thing. But I do think thought that given they are only there a few times a year they can share a room or something. other wise that room that that family really needs would be sitting going to waste 90% of the time.

liks's picture

cut me down in flames but I consider them as visitors...

family visitors...

Just like when my sister comes and visits me, or my cuz....My brother came and visted us from Oz and he slept in the basement...never complained once...infact he liked it down there...

oh and incidently my BIO son lived with us for 8 mths and his bedroom was the basement.... before he moved into this house with me and his bio brothers and sisters our house was enourmouse and he had his own room etc...

Sorry but they live with their mom....dont know why....I dont really care why,.....but people who visit once a year are visitors....and these skids are family visitors....

meneran's picture

It is not true. This would mean that parents that cant afford large houses shouldnt have kids in case they are different sex?! Please.

They dont need to share a room to be curious.

planningMyEscape's picture

I wouldn't put the baby in w/anyone. Babies wake up and wake everyone up. I know they might not love the current situation, but what else can you do? If they were there more frequently, I could see trying to figure out something else (Though I'm not sure what), but since they aren't there that much, I think the way you have it is just fine. If BM doesn't like it, too bad.

Lalena75's picture

My co states my ex is to have adequate sleeping arrangements for my bios the first place he lived was a 1 bedroom apt off his bff and her bf and her 3 kids my kids didn't stay the night wasn't gonna happen 3 boys 2 girls on the floor. Next place he got he ranted and raved had 3 bedrooms kids would have their own rooms he and his bff and her bf moved in and he tired to get bunk beds for a teenage girl and 10 yr old boy wasn't gonna happen child services would have a fit, and the kids were hurt he lied to them son was sent to the couch he then moved a woman and her kid in said her bd and mine would share the bedroom (only a converted closet room for 1 bed) kids had a fit son was kicked the the living room floor so the woman could have the couch (wasn't long she was in the ex's bed and tossed her kid back to her ex. I only bitched once about my son and daughter sharing a room. My son was resigned to the couch but by that point ex's lies and his priorities of rescuing his friends took its toll on bd and her dad they stpped speaking it took months to get them to a place of acceptance this is just how he is he and his ego come first. They both go and stay but lost all respect for him I make them go it's in the co and though I wish they really had their own rooms and beds there a couch would probably be seen as adequate by a judge and in your case so probably would and air mattress. I might not like it but its not worth fighting over ex won't care regardless if it doesn't benefit him.

meneran's picture

I dont understand you.

Do you really think after your ex has to pay all the child support you demand, that he has money to accomodate each kid with their own room?

Get real huh? I see nothing wrong with siblings sharing a room. They dont share a bed!

Superstopmommy's picture

This has nothing to do with child support. It has everything to do with having your kids come stay and feel comfortable.

No they do not need their "own" room, separate beds for a couple of weeks is fine. They are visiting, not living there. There is no reason for them to have separate rooms,even as teenagers.

If you go away on vacation, do you rent a hotel room with separate bedrooms? They all sleep in the same room.

I would get 2 rollaway beds that can be easily stored when the skids are visiting. Have the baby sleep in with the parents since they are the ones that need to get up with him anyways.

Disneyfan's picture

Buy 2 folding beds. Put one in each bedroom. Put the baby in your room. Put DD in baby's room. Put SKs in DD's room.

giveitago's picture

It's such a shame for their precious asses! DH and I lived in a one room apartment when we first met and the kids came and bunked down on the floor just to be WITH us! Of course that was when everyone loved everyone and before the onset of puberty with them...LOL.
I'd make up a folding bed in the dining room for the boy, it can be put away during the day. If the girl cannot share with your daughter then she can use the baby's room and you have the baby's crib in your room just for that short duration. I think you might be putting too much emphasis on the baby having a room that is 'just for baby' when, in reality, babies will sleep anywhere they are laid down in comfort.
When I was growing up and family members came to visit the kids ALL slept on the floor while adults had the beds. I think I slept in a large drawer at my grandmother's house when I was a newborn!
I get that you, DH, your daughter and the baby are the perfect fit for your household. I also get that the SKids are DH's kids too and they have the right to come and visit. I would do all I could to accommodate them truthfully. Resentments can really grow if they do not feel welcomed and that's NOT a good atmosphere for your daughter and the baby...right?
I realize that times have changed, some fffy years later, and kids do need a space to call their own.
Our youngest two have moved out and I have already made plans for SD's room as a guest room, which if she comes to visit she, or her brother, can sleep in. SS's room is occupied by one of his friends who now lives with us and is a great kid.

herewegoagain's picture

I am NOT a fan of giving skids their own room when they do NOT live there, however, I find it wrong to give "guests" the COUCH to sleep on. We have a two bedroom apartment...when my mother or grandmother or even friends come to visit, our son sleeps with us and the "guests" get my son's room. In one occasion my nephew and girlfriend came and my husband/myself and our son slept in my son's bedroom and gave him and his girlfriend OUR bedroom.

There is a fine line between not having THEIR OWN ROOM in your house and being treated as if they were bothering you. I guess if your family ever came, you would also give them the couch to sleep on? I doubt it.

purpledaisies's picture

This is what I would do. Since they are only there a few times a year I would have a bed with a trundle or something to that effect or maybe a pull out couch or futon in the babys room and when they are there that is where they sleep and you ca move the baby either in your room or the dds room just while they are there. That is it!

The main reason I say this is b/c they are only there a few times a year not like it is even every other weekend or anything but a few times a year! You can't have an empty room 90% of time just doesn;t make sense.

my.kids.mom's picture

Whenever I have shopped for houses in the past, I see the formal dining room as wasted space. If you are literally only using it for eating together as a family, turn it into a guest room. The boy can stay in there, the sd in baby's room, and the baby with you. Get a pack n play if you need to. Or if the siblings get along, put them in dining room together and make it a teen hang out. You could even get a room divider for them to give them their own space. When you have more kids than house, you have to make adjustments, like not all eating at a table that fits and wasting a room to hold that table. Get a folding table you can set up for meals in the living room. Or have a picnic on the living room floor.

I agree that the bm is out of line making demands. But you do need to make the skids feel at home, not because of the demands, but because it's the right thing to do.

purpledaisies's picture

I'm all for all kids in the house to have a space of their own however lets face facts here: fact 1. the skids are only there a few times a year. 2. why should a whole bedroom or say the dining room be sitting empty and not used 90% of the time? 3. If that space is being used for a child that lives there all the time why take from them to be sitting for 90% of the time while the kid that lives there is cramped and has no space? 4. It just isn't fair to the kids that do live there full time to be without a room and their space when that room will sitting there empty 90% of the time.

See that is where I am looking at this from. i see nothing wrong with putting some kind of bed or futon or pull out couch in a room that can be used while the skids are there. they will have their space while they are there but the room won't be sitting going to waste when they aren't. Sure they are a boy and girl I have a boy and a girl and they have no problems being in the same room for a limited amount of time. Their IS a bathroom for privacy and it can be used for that you know.

purpledaisies's picture

LMKAH_HMBF I bet she does too. I remember that when dh and I got married moved in a STARTER home that was only a 3 bed. YUCK threw the biggest fit ever that all 4 boys were sharing a room (skids and my ds) and actually said and i quote here "MY kids better have their own rooms and I don;t care about purples kids"! Yep whatever! Since then we bought a 4 bed home and all 3 boys were sharing while my dd lived here til ds and ss16 wanted to share I let them. Now since my dd moved out we moved ds and ss to dd room then ss15 and ss12 to ds and ss16 room and the old ss15 and 12 room will be the new bathroom and the old bathroom will the laundry room.

Yuck called the police on us so many times b/c skids had to share I mean the hell did she expect us to do buy an 8 bed house??? :?

purpledaisies's picture

I know right?? I'm supposed to treat them like my own but once I make them mind I'm an evil step mom! lol }:)

purpledaisies's picture

I don't know I guess I am the evil step mom even though my skids like me so much so that they have defended me to yuck more than once. lmao }:)

Poor kids though got in a lot of trouble when they did that so i told them I'm a big girl and it is not their fight to worry about. Sad

asheeha's picture

Coming from the perspective of a step-child. I only visited my father in the summer for 2 months, but he always had a room ready for me. It was nice to have my own space and it made me feel like it was home and not just a house I visited. My dad and step-mom had a small 3-bedroom house but they didn't have any other kids, so it was a lot easier for them.

I would have your husband talk with them and let them know he understands how they feel, but space is limited. And if they are allowed input they might feel better about the situation. I don't mean they dictate their needs and you move mountains to make it happen, but just discuss creative ways to help them feel more at home. Give them options, if they pick something they feel like they had a choice.

I also like the idea of moving the baby to your room, or a smaller space. SS might prefer to sleep on the couch as opposed to with his sister. Do you have a space under the stairs or something cool like that? Maybe a garage that could be made into a cool space with limited funds. Don't know the climate in your area.

Just stuff like that. Let them know you care and that you want to find a solution that works for the whole family. If they are strong-willed you may have to present the idea and let them chew on it before they are willing to work with you.

bananarama's picture

Thanks for your prospective. We've always wanted his kids to feel very welcomed and part of our family. We don't want his kids to feel jealous of the new baby. Financially, things are very different now and he's able to provide more for this baby than he could for his kids when they were little and money was very tight. We want them to know we care about them very much but I also am concerned about my daughter and the baby.

While they are only here for a limited number of weeks out of the year, it's different than if they were here for a weekend since they will be here for a whole month.

bananarama's picture

Thanks everyone for all the advice.

We’re not sure what we’re going to do yet. My husband is going check with his attorney first to see if we legally must have separate rooms for his son and daughter, since that will limit what we can do. We’re probably going to go to Ikea to brainstorm about some options for furniture.

When the kids are here for spring break, we’ll probably go with a more temporary solution. The month in the summer is the bigger problem and we’ll have to move more furniture around.

The baby’s room is very small. There’s a lot of furniture in there and things we need for the baby. During spring break, the baby could move into our room but for the summer, we may move my daughter into the baby’s room and then put his kids into my daughter’s room.

But if we need two separate rooms for them, I’m not sure. We could divide the formal dining room in half, move the table and put up some sort of room divider to make a separate section of the room and put a futon type bed there. We could put something like that in the family room if necessary.

I agree that the formal dining room is wasted space, but our house has a more open floor plan, so a bad place for a bedroom. I’ve seen other houses in our subdivision with that floor plan that use that area as a game area or have a piano there.

untothebreach's picture

How big is DD's room? Is it big enough to be separated, with two twin beds?

These bookcases from Ikea make good room dividers and provide a ton of extra storage (accessible from either side):
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/80208652/

You said DD has a princess canopy bed. It may be that her bed needs to be replaced for the time being (at least over the summer) with something a bit smaller.

Also, I think one of these for SD instead of an air mattress might make things seem less "temporary"
http://www.amazon.com/Coaster-Daybed-Pop-Up-Trundle-Frame/dp/B0019FLW7K

As for SS, is there something in the baby's room that can be moved and replaced with this for SS?
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=11737927&CAWELAID=109...

You said your hesitation with DD and SD sharing a room was because they fought constantly. I was a step mother to a 4 year old boy with a 5 year old bio son (not my husband's child), THEY fought constantly (incidentally, he was with us about 60% of the time, and shared a room with my DS, even though we had a spare bedroom. I did every thing imaginable to make my SS feel like that was his home as well, and indeed he preferred being there to his BM's, but I wasn't about to give up a guest room to make that happen). Your SD is 16, she is more than old enough to be held responsible for how she acts in your home and to be charged with getting along with your DD. In my opinion, Your DH should talk to her about this.

kalmolil's picture

We have this issue as well. We live in a 3br house and my BD14 has her own room, then BD5 and BD2 share. When skid comes over, there isn't any place for her. I already have two kids crammed in to ONE small room. We make a pallet on the floor and treat it like a "slumber party" but there isn't anything else we can do. BM pissed and moaned and cried because skid doesn't have her own room in our house. WTF? Is she going to pay to build on a "pain-in-my-ass" suite for the kid? We make the best of the situation and do what we can, but there are certain things we just aren't going to do. BM actually suggested that we move BD5 in with BD14, put BD2 in our room and give her skid a room. DH told her she was nuts and that wasn't happening and skid just has to accept that this isn't her home (sorry, I just don't do the whole 'this is skid's home too' thing) and it isn't all about her. It would be no different if BD5 had a slumber party - everyone would have to camp out on the floor for the night. No big deal. Not at all going to shuffle my kids around and disrupt their lives to suit SD, BM or anyone else!

simifan's picture

My SD sleeps on the couch for 8 weeks in the summer @ her mom's. Unless it is specifically addressed in the court order, tell mom to go scratch. The court will not cancel visitation because she or the kids dislike the sleeping arrangements.

bella-anima's picture

I would put the baby in your room, the SD and BD together and the SS in the nursery. That way you don't have to worry about gender issues.

hismineandours's picture

I would give your daughter a room, and your baby a room. I would put futons in both of their rooms and when dh's kids visit-they can sleep on the futons in their half/stepsiblings rooms. It doesnt make sense for you to put the two full time kids together in one room, while another room sits empty for most of the time. I wouldnt care if the kids liked this arrangement or not-you cant just go out and buy a new house for them, and your children will also be sharing-its fair to everyone-they all have to share-they all have someplace to sleep, and only same sex kids are sharing a room-so in my opinion it is ideal. I realize the age spans are not ideal-but I would think this would cut down on fighting-hopefully a 12 year old boy is not going to argue with a toddler, nor should a 16 year old girl be arguing with an 8 year old. How immature.

12yrstepmonster's picture

My mom and sdad have 5 kids between them. We were all weekend kids. They had a 2 bedroom house- one room was theirs the other was sdad's office. 3 of us were every weekend, 2 were eowe. They build a loft and my mom built cots out of foam, plywood and 2x4. I slept on those for 5 years. We each had a small area in the loft that was hands off

The first night of their stay I would call a family meeting. Ask for workable suggestions let everyone have input. Then call a movie night in the family room and everyone grab a sleeping bag and campout on the floor.

To rid the suitcase issue. Look for the 3 drawer storage units see if they can use those while there for their clothes.

Make them part of the solution kids come up with the best ideas