The Relentless Custody Battle And Passive Aggressive SK's
Hi everyone. First off, I'm glad there's a forum like this out here, because it will be amazing to get some perspective from people who can relate.
My story is simple and it's not. Simple, as in I get the logic, but not simple as far as where to go from here.
My partner divorced when his kids were 3 and 1. For most of their lives they had him to themselves because he didn't date since (I was the first person he decided to give a chance to and 5 years later he proposed). The SD is now 14 and the SS is now 16.
SS and I have always gotten along. He communicated long ago he sees me as his "other mom" (though I have not pushed to be a replacement mom by any means but a supportive figure) and initiated being affectionate etc. He's always eager to spend quality time and is responsive when I have to be stern. It works.
SD, however, is the complete opposite. I get the logic behind it to an extent because until I came along she was the only female her dad gave attention to. In a way I've stepped into her territory and her response makes sense. While I do go out of my way to open the door to spend quality time with both kids and work on building communication, she is often sneaking off to her mom and reporting my every move. Example: I used to take the kids out to lunch once in a blue moon with their dad as a treat for doing good things without being directed to. She repeatedly would tell her mother the dollar amounts I'd spend or even how much I'd spend when we'd go grocery shopping etc. The mother brought it up in court, but to say if I had extra money it should be somehow going to her for support (that's a whole other beast). It turned into me running errands only when the kids were not there and turning to different activities as rewards....so we rarely go out.
Additionally, I'm often bombarded with statements like "I like my step dad more because he buys me things" and "you're not my mom" (which is a pretty normal and predictable statement). But her cousins tell me privately that she expresses that she feels I don't love her.
I've been conscious of not focusing on one child more than the other, but I also gather that her mother isn't helping things, nor is the fact that her brother gets along with me organically. I also notice that she seems to want my attention without her brother around (so she's, in a way, competitive with him about it or something along those lines) but the moment her dad or brother comes around she's pretty difficult to want to be around.
And right now, the parents are in a custody battle because the mother wants to emigrate with the kids across the world, limiting us to seeing them 3 weeks a year. She's been filling the SD's head with stories that are too good to be true while trying to woo her, and the SS adamantly refuses to go with her. He will be moving in with us full time.
The SK's are well aware of the custody battle, even though we personally don't get into discussions about it other than opening the door for them to express what they want (because, with local laws, the kids have a lot of say in what they will do....but ultimately the courts won't likely separate the two).
The behavior of the daughter has escalated to refusing to bathe, refusing to clean her room and if her BD has the kids help with chores, she leaves passive aggressive notes around the house telling other people to clean up (for example, she left a sign up yesterday that said "If you cook, you need to clean this kitchen". I rarely get help with cooking, so it was clearly directed at me). This was after she was asked to wash 5 plates only.
So, I guess I'm wondering who else has had a similar experience and how they have coped with it. I very much would like to have a healthy relationship with the SD but as the court case has heated up, so has her temper. When asked if anything is wrong, we get more passive aggressive responses. I want to be able to have a bit more cohesiveness in the home without giving the kids the impression that when they're with us it's "anything goes"....but the moment she's told no to something or told she needs to take care of a responsibility, she turns bitter for the entire weekend (regardless if it comes from me or the BD).
I'd love to hear your input and experiences. Sorry for the long post.
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Welcome!! Although I do not
Welcome!!
Although I do not know what part of the country you are in, the courts may actually split the two kids up. Based on the ages and the fact that both have are adamant about where they want to be. Would the BM let the SS stay with you and just take SD??
Your SS is 16 and in HS I assume. The last thing he wants to do is switch schools at this stage of the game. And it seems like the SD is just being PAS'd to the point of hoping you will push her out the door. The sad part is, the BM is probably filling her head with a load of promises that will never actually happen. Been there and lived through that one myself. My SD's BM pulled the same stunt. It took SD only a few months to figure out it had all been a load of crap and want to come back home. Sadly SD burned all her bridges and wasn't able to come back home until she graduated and was on her own.
Although I am sure your DH doesn't want to let SD move so far away, it may in fact be the best thing that could happen for her attitude.
If she stays, she will always blame you for how horrible her life is. If she goes, that puts all the pressure on BM to fulfill those promises which will never happen.
You and DH will then look pretty darn good to her after she gets that dose of reality. She may even come running back to you with a better attitude. And if not, well then at least she is across the country and not making your life hell for the next several years.
Hi Sabernathy, First, I am
Hi Sabernathy,
First, I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I learned a long time ago that being a SM is a thankless job. However that has a good side too. If your SK's turn out wonderfully no one will thank you- but if they turn out horribly no one will blame only you.
A couple things struck me reading your post. First, you NEVER have to justify to your SD or BM amounts of money you spend on SD, family outings, or even on yourself. NEVER. They just need to get over it. Having said that, it appears that BM has been putting SD in the middle gathering intel for the custody battle. That is a horrible position for SD to be in. I can tell you from experience, the BM of my SD actually had my SD stealing cash out of my wallet to give to BM, so I understand the sickness. Guard your assets, live your life unapologetically.
Next, your SD sounds depressed or suffering from a mental disorder. One of the first signs is lack of self-care- i.e. not bathing. I would have her evaluated. The second thing I would do is get her involved in some activity she is interested in. Don't discard her- which she sounds like she is testing you to discard her ...maybe to prove yourself. She sounds bored, and depressed. Find something you can do together- take a cooking class together, or a painting or gardening class together. See if you can break down those walls.
Last, law and order. Tell her what you will and won't accept. Draw a line in the sand and stick with it (which is the harder of the two.) Once kids reach 14 they usually get to decide where they want to live. She may not be your problem for much longer.
Be loving, stay strong! Peace be with you
"Guard your assets, live your
"Guard your assets, live your life unapologetically.
I LOVE THIS---and YES it is very true. Put a cement wall around your marriage and home.
Welcome..... now you can
Welcome..... now you can disengage from one skid and not the other, it's simple the act of treat people like they treat you. Skid is nice, you are nice, skid is rude you are rude...
SD asks you something you smile and say : Ask your Mum, I'm not your mum, SS asking ,you help.... DH can never say you hate his kids, cause SS will deny it lol.... it's a win win for you. As soon as SS turns into a brat, then you disengage from him as well.
Now let SD go with her mother, explain to her, once you go you can not come back if you and mum fight, you will have to stay with her till you graduates, Oh SS gets this talk as well, once you stay you will say and adhere to the house rules till you graduate, there will not be moving between parents, and seeing each bio parent has a kid, there will be no CS paid over... it's only fair.
Believe me Aergia also did the reporting thing to BM, as if it helped cause SO has full custody and BM does not pay CS, she signed away all parental rights with the divorce... yes here you can do it..... Aergia wants something SO says I did not budget for that, she complains but Acra just bought this and that, I smile and say - well it's my money and you are not my child - ask your mother....
I think a lot of your
I think a lot of your assessment about why your SD is acting this is accurate. And sadly, this behaviour tends to happen more often than we'd like it to, with SD's
Best thing is to simply disengage from her
Let her father handle discipline etc...
Always set a good example for her by behaving like a decent human being to her of course, but don't reward her crappy behaviour towards her
Clearly she does want your attention, and does compete to some extent to get it, so, when she does behave in a good way on occasion with you - reward her big time for that
My SD's are in their 30's and I still use these tactics LOL. It works more for my YSD (who is a pretty great SD when it's all said and done) but generally if they are rude and nasty to me (that would be mostly the OSD) than they don't get much fall over backwards treatment from me. But, if they are decent and make even a small effort to be mature and respectful, I always try to be even more mature and respectful towards them in return
Whatever you do, try not to take it to heart. This is again, sadly quite common and probably the actions of a skid who is genuinely struggling here.
What a great opportunity to
What a great opportunity to spoon feed drama to the BM through the SD.
Photoshop some expensive vacation package materials complete with invoices with outragious prices, bills of sale for new high end cars, etc... and leave them in conspicuous locations for SD's visits.
Let her run to BM with her nosey fake information and when it comes up in court...... truthfully say "We have never paid for or even planned any expensive trips or considered buying an expensive car."
Have fun!!!!!
I would advise that DH gets an attorney and goes to all legal lengths to prevent his XW from taking either his children out of the country to live. A visit is one thing, moving is another thing entirely.