PLEASE help me to help my new step-parent wife !!!

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I am a 42 yo guy, divorced since 2003, with 2 daughters aged 8 and 11 who visit me fortnightly and who I see one additional weekday evening.

I met a lady, 12 years my junior, in late 2007, fell madly in love etc and before we knew it was married (in Feb this year).

Ever since we met I've been aware that she has difficulty with the fact that I have children. She feels that being with a guy who has kids in and of itself limits her horizons (eg ability to travel, move cities, other freedoms). At that stage I was seeing my kids on more or less a 50/50 basis so I thought that reducing the time spent with them would reassure her... however as time goes on it seems that she is getting more and more unhappy and feels that she has given up all her dreams. She resents having to spend every 2nd weekend with the kids and seems jealous of the close relationship I have with them. If I make calls to them in the evening, her mood immediately changes, she sulks and tells me that she doesn't feel any connection to my kids.

My girls are noisy, spirited but very loving and sweet and likeable - I think that assessment is reasonably objective because they are very popular with their peers, at school and with teachers/caregivers/parents, who constantly have good things to say about them. But my wife seems to find them intolerable.

Whereas I will look forward to playing a board game with them or taking them for an outing (say to the beach or cycling or something) she finds these to be an imposition, an intrusion on her free time.

On top of this, she deeply resents the fact that I have a financial obligation to my kids. Even though I pay a fixed amount by mutual agreement with my ex-partner, which is substantially less than the amount that I would be required to pay if we used IRD mediation to assess this, my new wife literally counts every cent I spend on the kids and resents anything I do for them which has any cost attached to it. I find myself doing things like "treating" them to $3.70 fish-and-chip meals and feeling terribly guilty for having crossed some line.

I am struggling to deal with this and her attitude towards my daughters makes me feel that she doesn't love me. I feel that I give her the majority of my time and attention (not to mention finances) and that is still not enough.

What's to do?

find out why

your wife feels this way. maybe your children are being nasty to her on the sly and acting differently with you around. or maybe your wife isnt cut out for the stepmom thing. maybe you give her too much responsibility of your kids. maybe your ex is causing problems.

it may not be her. maybe its something else.

there are 2 sides to every story. i'd liek to hear your wife's side.

she loves you. or else she'd leave. i am a stepmmom and my experience has been pure hell and i ahve walked alone in it. being a step parent is very hard no matter how good the kids are. and as i said your children may not be the little angels you make them out to be.

please talk with your wife. ask her pointblank WHY she is unhappy. and also look at yourself. do you ignore your wife when kids are around? do you still make special one on one time with your wife when kids are around?

find out why

it may not be her. maybe its something else.

there are 2 sides to every story. i'd liek to hear your wife's side.

one mistake

that fathers make is that they guilt parent and often make the wife feel left out when skids are around. then that causes resentment.

how close are you to your kids? do you treat them the same as you do your wife?

Wow

wow am I your wife. I feel the same exact way about my husbands kids. Right down to how much you spent on them. I give you alot of credit for getting on here and asking for help. I'm surprised she is not here first.
well to get started my husband has three and I have none. I love my husband to death and I have tremendous jealousy issues with his little girl in particular. One reason is because he has very little time b/c of his job so I'm sharing his time with the kids. I have developed resentment towards the kids for this reason. I clam up the same way when the kids are around.
I think there is resentment towards the fact that she has not been able to relate and that's not fair that you are there and she is not. I know that I'm jealous that my husband will never have his first child with me or our first child will not be his favorite.
I guarantee she loves you 100% but doesn't know why she feels this way. She wants you all to herself, new home, new family, a woman's fairytail life and the reality has hit her where she realizes that that's impossible and she's mad. I have those same feelings when my husbands children come over every weekend.
One thing I can suggest that has been taken away from me is the freedom for her to make her own relationship with them. Not forced into caring for them, driving them etc... Until she is ready for that. Always remember she will never be able to feel the same way about those kids as you do and when she needs to vent be there for her in an unbiased state of mind. I know tat is hard to do for fathers. But my husband takes such offence to my venting that I can't talk to him that's why I come here. If possible keep them as your responsibility as much as possible and her as a friend and she will adjust. hopefully. Try to allow her freedom b/c she's going from 0 to what did I do?

Just agreeing with you

I totally know how you feel and thanks for leaving this post for the person in question. People in our society put down stepmothers when they express their needs as being equivalent to the needs of the children. We are in a tough position because we're expected to just "suck it up"...after all, we're the ones who are entering his family, right? HA! If a man chooses a woman to be his life partner, then he is also entering himself and his kids into HER family by choosing to marry her. Because she's part of the family unit, her needs are just as important as everybody else's. She should not have to feel like she's second-rate by society because she's the stepmom. She should not have to feel like she's his second priority after the kids just because she's the stepmom. In fact, the love between a man and a woman (if it's true love) is so often the strongest relationship that exists because these two people share their lives, dreams, goals, bodies, and minds with each other. Kids, at a young age, have a different kind of relation to the parents. They're a major priority for the fact that they need to be raised and protected until they're capable of taking care of themselves - and once that happens, they branch off and search for their own true love in life! So even though the parent-to-child bond doesn't go away, the kids do move on while the couple continues to grow. Why am I saying all of this? Because once stepmothers are empowered in our positions and are given due credit for all we've sacrificed, we will begin to lose the resentment that holds us back and will become happier women in general, which benefits everybody.

You make some good points

Thanks for responding.

I'm sorry that you've had a hard time in the stepmom situation.

"maybe your children are being nasty to her on the sly ..."

Well, we spend very little time with my kids - 2 days per fortnight. Generally we're all together and it's very clear that my kids treat my wife with respect - if they don't I pull them up for it. There's definitely no nastiness from them, however I will admit that they don't listen to her or acknowledge her or communicate with her as much as they do with me, though this is less out of "nastiness" than it is out of habit - because they're so familiar with me. It's something that I am trying to get them to change.

Re giving my wife responsibility - I expect very little from her in this regard. I assume the parenting role pretty much 100%. The most that I expect from her is to be with us and try to enjoy our time together. On the other hand, if she wanted to take on certain responsibilities and interact with them I sure wouldn't resist it. But she doesn't. Like I said, she resents the fact that they even have to be with us for 2 days out of every 14.

My ex: has been very supportive of my new relationship and pretty much stays out of the way. My wife doesn't have any issues with my ex.

Of course it would be great for you to hear my wife's side of the story, but that's obviously not possible. But I am trying to be as objective as I can.

My kids are NOT angels, they can be noisy and attention-seeking; though considering how little they see me it's not surprising that they crave my attention when they do see me. But they compare pretty well with others I know. They do well at school, have good social lives, enjoy sports and extra-mural activities.

"Please talk with your wife. ask her pointblank WHY she is unhappy." - I am not shy about that believe me. I have discussed this with her in great detail. Her answer is simply that she feels that she has made an enormous sacrifice to be with a man who has kids, to whom she feels no emotional connection. And that she resents it and them.

"and also look at yourself." - what do you mean by this exactly? Sorry not being defensive - just wondering what you want me to examine.

"special one-on-one time when kids are around" - I spend a microscopic amount of time with the kids compared to the vast amount of time I have with my wife in-between. We have a LOT of couple time. She often tells me that I am a very good husband, I cook for her, help around the house, am very physically affectionate - not trying to paint a picture of myself as being perfect, but my point is she doesn't have ANY complaints about me as a husband/lover whatever - she just can't stand my kids is all.

You've done it all

How long have you been married? I think as long as you try your best, which it sounds like you do, let her adjust and come to terms. She will eventually realize that she married a man with children. May I ask how old she is and if she ever wants to have children? One thing I do know is that I may have a hard time with my husbands children but I love my husband so much that I will walk this road with him no matter how I feel about his kids. Just b/c she has a hard time loving your kids doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It could be the complete opposite.

How long marrried / wife's age etc

Thanks Dinaquan. I've been married only one year. But these troubles have been with us ever since we first started going out. She is 12 years younger than me ... she does very much want to have children. However occasionally she makes comments like "if we had children and divorced, I would make sure you never saw our children again, to spare any new partner the pain that you've made me experience" (!)

i do apologize

maybe i am defensive. i am sorry but i agree you may be doing everything in your power to make it work.

i suggest that you accept that your wife doesnt accept your kids. and end it now. if she doesnt accept your kids, then your lives will be so frustrating. and your kids will suffer.

no worries

believe me, the thought has crossed my mind. Which is why I'm here because I would really like to rescue our relationship.

Have you tried...

...asking her what you can do to have the times your children are over be more enjoyable for her?

Good question

Yes - though usually her answer takes the form of "we should just do our own thing when the kids come to visit, not let them cramp our style." Unfortunately given that those are the only times I get to spend with my kids, that doesn't seem like a great arrangement to me, neither for them nor me. I want to spend quality time with them when I have them (2 days out of every 14).

Ok...i can see if you left

Ok...i can see if you left your wife out of things but if you do your best to include her and she thinks that the children with "cramp" her style...lose her. You can't help or save a person like that and you can't "make" her accept or love your children. I admit I get frustrated with my skids but I would NEVER think or feel that being around them and doing things with them cramps my style and I would never get mad when my husband talks to his kids, in fact I tell him to call more. You may have your reasons why you love her, but the love you have for you children is more important.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

Your wife probably hates that she feels that way about your kids

I know I do. My situation is similar, I found out that my hubby had a son after we were already engaged for several months. It was terrible. I am not normally a jealous or mean person....It turned me into a moody, irritable, and mostly jealous person who I didn't even recognize. I could blame it on my very defiant ss, though, looking back he was a pretty normal kid when he was younger and I still had some of those same feelings. I Hate having them...please understand that your wife is experiencing something she probably had no idea was so difficult. For me, I hate that my ss no matter what will never be something that my hubby and I share...He is my Dh and his ex's son. Not mine. That fact alone hurts. No it is not anyone's fault, but the fact that he will always have a relationship with his ex (even a very minimal one) sucks. He doesn't have to look at my ex's or ever hear from them or see them, let alone raise their childrenwith little or no thanks ever. (wow- sorry I'm venting without meaning to)...I love my hubby to death and I want desperately to love his son, too. And I do on some levels. It also hurts a little that no matter what his bm does, he still loves her...I'm the one taking care of him full time, sacrificing for him on many levels...and he hates me. It hurts. I pray for more love for him constantly and feel badly about the issues I have. Perhaps some of this can give you a little insight into the mind of step mother. (even the name has bad connotations) ....Hope things get better. Don't give up on her. Hope your family can find some peace.

Thanks

Your situation is I think a little harder given that your husband's son was a discovery rather than something out in the open. I have always been totally open with my wife re my kids & my love for them. I know it must hurt to have to factor in his ex-partner, I can appreciate that. The thing is, you need to see that you are really the only one who can truly share the joy of his kids - even his stepson - with him. So his stepson could be a great way for you to get close to him and love him more. I know that's how I'd feel if my wife felt positive towards my kids.

How do you know your stepson hates you? Perhaps he senses your feelings towards him? I do empathize with you, you seem to care about your husband and you seem to want to like his child. I am not sure that my wife even wants to, from the things she says and does.

Reply to Dinaquan

Thanks Dinaquan for your responses.

When you say "you are there and she is not" - not sure what you mean by that, my wife and I are together with the kids whenever they visit our home each 2nd weekend. I do spend one-on-one time with them once a week (alternating each daughter alone each week) which I think is essential because I think they need to feel that they can still have special time with their dad. This takes the form of a couple of hours together at the library of all places, doing something educational and possibly going for a fast-food meal after that then back home.

You say you're jealous that you will never have your husband's first child ... my wife feels the same way. What I say to her is why should that matter when any child you have with me will be special and unique and we will have the opportunity to share parenting that child together, which my ex will never have?

"not his favourite" ... How can you know that your first child with your husband will not be equally loved by him?

There's nothing I can do to change the fact that I have kids from a previous relationship, but I feel that my wife will forever hold this against me - it's as if I have to feel ashamed and guilty about the very people I love most in the world, namely my kids.

"I guarantee she loves you 100% but doesn't know why she feels this way. She wants you all to herself, new home, new family, a woman's fairytail life and the reality has hit her where she realizes that that's impossible and she's mad."

I feel terrible to have spoiled the fairytale, but what can I do to make her feel that actually it's not a nightmare but we can have a very beautiful rewarding life together? What I often say is that when we have our child, he/she will have siblings who will dote on him/her ... we both have a role to play in making our family a happy place to be.

The worry I have is that we're so far apart in terms of what makes us happy - having my kids with us (even the meagre amount that we do) makes me very happy, but it has the opposite effect on my wife ... I would rather be alone with my kids than have her live with me resentfully and unhappilly, surely she would have better prospects if she left me then?

I really appreciate your comments and welcome more.

Appreciate the other side. Thanks

When I say that you are there and she is not. You say your wife wants children as do I. You have been able to experience the unconditonal love in having a child that no one will feel until they have had a child. I know that that in itself creates jealousy for me b/c I want to experience that joy. So she is not even capable of feeling that humane feeling of loving a child.
That last paragraph is rather upsetting for me because I'm scared that my husband too will eventually give up on our marriage because I can't accept these very important beings in his life. I personally feel that I would never risk my marriage over these petty feelings that I have. But then another part of me cannot control these feelings either. I'm sure my husband would say the same thing that you said in that last sentence. But isn't that what marriage is. A battle. I vowed to deal with everything he had to offer because I don't feel like my type of relationship is common. I'm hop;ing you and your wife wed for the same reasons. If that's the case then work it out together. Listen to her and find out if she plans on being with you forever b/c if she's still there and you are here then it's probably worth fighting for. I'm sure she's not happy and wants to be so she sould be willing to do whatever is necessary to enjoy your lives together. If she is to be married to you then she has to be willing to realize that your children aren't going away and if she has trouble with it then she needs help in doing so. I'm actually considering counseling for myself because I know the feelings I'm exeriencing are only keeping my family back.

You seem to have a genuine desire to make it work

I understand the way you feel, it seems that you're articulating feelings in a way that my wife can't. What she tends to do is just lash out by making hurtful remarks, but perhaps within herself she's feeling the way that you do. The thing is she never makes remarks like "I would like to try to make it work" or "I believe it can work and I would like to try to find a way". On the contrary ... despite my attempts to reassure her that we can find happiness together she seems to hold on to her resentment and bitterness. She accuses me of wrongdoing, of deliberately hurting her by having children before I met her. Hard for me to make sense of that. To my way of thinking, my wife needs to work out what she really wants. Does she want me, warts and all? Does she love me for the person I am - meaning all the qualities she found attractive and desirable in the first place, as well as the fact that I'm a father? Or would she be happier with another guy who could give her everything I give her, plus the freedoms she wants, and no "encumbrances" i.e. the kids. On paper it's pretty obvious what the solution is, and if within herself she wants to make that choice then I wish she would do that rather than live unhappily with me. However I will feel disappointed in that I had hoped that she loved me and by extension she would accept who I am, including my kids. You're right though that we need to talk more. Sorry this is a bit incoherent I'm typing while working.

Have you told her just how

Have you told her just how much her feelings about your children hurt you? If she loves you, it will hopefully soften her a little and maybe she will try a little harder to adjust. I would never want to hurt my husband, so if I was saying or doing things that hurt him, it would break my heart and I would try my best to change my outlook. Does she know just how much it hurts for someone you love to despise your own children based purely on their existence? I think she needs more time to adjust, but she sounds very determined not to. Maybe encourage your daughters and her to do something girly on their own, without you, to help them bond? Maybe if she discovers she likes them and forms some type of friendship/bond with them, she will ease up? Maybe once you two have a child of your own she will feel more connected as a family member, instead of as an outsider to your pre-made family?

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Interesting

Your last sentence is interesting. I have been replying to him as well because i am in his wife's shoes. That is kind of how I feel with my husband. I cannot relate to these feelings my husband has with his children and I am an outsider looking in. But do you really think a baby together would be the answere???

Yes indeed

I've tried to explain it, wept in front of her when it did hurt me, it might soften her at that point in time but I think she doesn't have the ability to grasp just how much I love them and how I see them as the most precious people in my life - how else could it be? I don't know how other people tick - that's what I've always felt about them since I saw them come into the world.

My wife is an only child, she has no siblings, I don't know whether that makes any difference.

Re your suggestions about getting them to do girly things together, to bond - this has been a suggestion I've made numerous times. First obstacle is that my wife resents even the fact that we have to spend every 2nd weekend with the girls in the 1st place. 2nd is that she makes little effort, has little interest in doing things with them, and gives up almost immediately when she encounters any obstacle - for instance, she might suggest doing a joint activity which they have no interest in (like going to see a movie SHE actually wants to see and which isn't appropriate to kids their age), then she gets very upset when they don't respond enthusiastically and tells me that they're demanding, spoiled kids and that she's not going to try anything else.

Re having a kid of our own ... will that improve or worsen things? Gosh it's a risk I would rather not take at this stage, esp when she says things like "if we ever divorced I would make sure that you never had any access to our kid, so that my new partner wouldn't have to experience the pain that I've experienced" - nice.

I sympathise with your wife.. and with you

A blended family is a real challenge. I don't know anyone who has entered this world easily, but like you and your wife, I fell deeply in love with a man who happened to have a couple of younger kids. Five years on now, I am still finding being a step mum a real challenge.

But unlike your wife, I am older than my husband and my two kids are now young adults. Never the less, I understand that you want to spend as much time with your kids as you can. And, I understand that your wife will get 'sick of being around them' some of the time. Try as you might, she will never love them like you do - it is just a fact. I know I will never care about my step kids like I love my own - never.

The solution??? I am still trying to find that one myself. Give her space, don't try to make her like your kids. Don't try to make her play board games with them if she does not want to - you will only make it worse if she feels 'forced' to bond with them.

And when you have time alone with her, really focus on just the two of you. If she has not had any kids herself - the whole step mum thing will be very very overwhelming.

Good luck,

A Step parent is in a no win role

Not for nothing but

your wife has issues with you having children.
You wrote in a post "She accuses me of wrongdoing, of deliberately hurting her by having children before I met her. Hard for me to make sense of that."

What kind of rational person would make a statement like that?

Clearly she should have never married you knowing she was feeling this way and knowing you had kids from a previous relationship.
She is never gonna come around no matter what you do! And having a child with her is only going to make it worse. This is not the answer!

Apparently, she is not willing to bend and compromise with you in regards to the children. My goodness what if you had full custody??

Hope you didn't take offense to my post.

"And this too shall pass..."

This was my thinking too...

Why did she even get married if she didn't like the fact that you have children already?? Did she think that by marrying you that you'd start seeing them less? Your wife seems to be VERY insecure in her relationship with you. All I know to suggest is therapy for herself because this type of insecurity will destroy a relationship. I'm working on repairing my own insecurities right now through therapy because I can see, even in my own relationship, that it's a poison.

All I can say is get the book.

Stepmonster. You and your wife could benefit from reading it. Read it together. Buy it on the way home today. Seriously, get the book. It's a top selling, published version of Steptalk! You may think we are a little nuts........but the lady that wrote the book says all the same stuff we do.

It really explaines why a SM feels the way she does. I think you should get it and read it immediatley.

~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~

I've been there...

As an only child with a husband and three skids, I totally understand how your wife is behaving. Like others have said, give her time to find her own relationship with the kids. I had to adjust a lot of my expectations after we married and it was incredibly difficult. I love my husband very much, but I still have trouble when the skids are around. My solution has been to find something that keeps me busy and makes me happy. After all, they are visiting to see my husband. Over the years.....I have slowly developed my own relationship with them, but it has taken a lot of work from both my husband and I. Try to be supportive of her as she finds her way.

mayba she will come around

I am a SM to 2 SDs who absolutely do not talk to me or comuunicate with me unless need be. Mainly because of PAS fron BM. So when they are with DH and myself, I find it very hard to deal with our weekends. Alot of the time I just suggest that DH take the girls and go do something. Yes I do feel left out but it is easier for me to cope with. I just go do my own things(sometimes I need the alone time.) She (the new wife) may just be feeling a little insecure. If she does really love you at the end of the day, she will make it work. She just needs to weigh the good and bad. I love DH very much and with all the difficulties we have been through I know end the end of the day(so-to-speak) I will be by his side. She has to be able to see herself in thirty or forty years in a rocking chair on the front porch with you. You stated that she doesn't like you spending money on them, is she the primary bread winner?
I know in my situatation I feel like she does sometimes. My DH pays the state mandated c.s.
and still when we have them feels the need to take them out to the movies,etc. and since BM doesn't cook they are accustom to eating out. So he feels the need to take them to eat because them don't like regular home cooked meals. Also there are alot of ex-curricular activites they are involved in that BM wants him to pay half for. BM often has the girls ask their dad to help. (I guess BM feels dad won't tell them no.) Now I pay for all the home expenses, so I feel if he can find extra cash to do things like that he could help me out with finances in our home. Keep in mind if DH helped with household expenses I probably wouldn't feel that way. So maybe she is in that situation but if not and you are providing for her as well I dont no why she would be mad about your spending money on your children. I wouldn't not suggest to have children of your own(together. If she can't handle the situation now, she probably wouldn't handle any better with more children involved. I know in my situation I am glad we don't glad children together.(we cant anyway) but I think it would actually be harder on me and SD's. Your children are here already that cannot be changed. I hope for your sake she will be able to come around.

My viewpoint

Sounds like your wife had no idea what she was in for. It seems like she married a man that she knew had children but expected it to have little or no affect on her life. That was pretty ignorant of her. She sounds resentful of your past, very jealous and frankly immature.

I am a custodial step mother. My step children LIVE with me and I don't b*tch and moan as much as your wife. I can not believe people feel sorry for this woman. She is obviously wanting to alienate your children from you and you are dumb enough to let her!

Make her understand that these are your children and there is no negotiating your involvement with them! If she can't understand that you need to rethink why you married her in the first place.

As for not forcing her to participate when he does things with his kids...I know her type. She'll complain if she is invited but be LIVID if she isn't and accuse him of not spending any time with her. (even though he only sees his kids EOW) This woman is obviously annoyed his kids even exist. There will be no making her happy untill they drop off the face of the planet.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

I think

you're exactly right on this one!

Crayon

You got one thing right...CUSTODIAL is way different than EOW step parenting. Because I have a very reasonable supportive husband it really makes no difference as far as what pull I have though. It would be the same if the kids were just EOW. If anything else I have it HARDER becaus ethose kids ar ewith me 24/7 and I deal with them 24/7 and my finances go towards them as if they were my own because their mother is incarcerated and more or less un-involved. Most step mothers woud crap out their kidneys if they had to do that.

I will say that as reasonable and fair as hubby is, if I took the attitude that the OP's wife has taken towards his children from the get go, my husband would not of married me. He wouuld of dumped me so fast my head would of spun. He made it very clear that he is a father first. A fact that I find very reasurring now that we have a child together also. The OP should of made it very clear to his wife and it doesn't sound like he did by his post.

I don't think this woman is tolerating anything that any normal PARENT doesn't have to tolerate. The problem is she doesn't want to be a parent. She wants to be a newly wed that has a spouse that is childless so she can have all the time, attention and money to herself. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. The problem is the guy has kids. She knew this but thought she could erase them out of the picture once she got the ring on her finger.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

OK so

OK so I will say one thing that irritates the hell out of me is fathers who want a pat ont he back for being fathers.

Based on some of the things you said your hubby has said he is one of those types which would make me puke after awhile of having to listen to it.

That being said, have you ever said some of the things the OP's wife has said though? She said some pretty point blank "I don't want your kids around" kindof statements. I would hope not anyway because some of the thinks she said is pretty harsh.

Granted this is his side of the story but (and big BUT here) we only hear one side to EVERY story on message boards so if you want to be technical we could say everyone here could possibly be full of it.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

I'd like to hear her side

I'm sure a lot of people would think I am an absolute monster based on descrptions by BM and skids. DH originally thought I should try to win them over but the skids made that impossible. Now I don't care anymore. I want nothing to do with them.

It is possible she is immature. It is also possible there are things that are upsetting her that we know nothing about.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

I would agree

Normally I would agree with you Abigail but based on some of the sttatements straight out of the wifes mouth it's pretty obvious she just totally resents the fact that his kids were born.

I don't think the temperment or behavior of the kids even comes into play. She has just decided they cramp her style and she is annoyed that her husband doesn't share her opinion. She is turning this into a competition over who can get daddy's attention which is the WORST thing you can do when you enter a new step family situation.

This woman has been on the scene one year. It is going to get much worse if dad doesn't put the foot down. He needs to make his intentions where his chidren are concerned VERY clear so she can save her time and energy. As for having children with this woman....DON'T DO IT. She isn't ready. Then it will be that you favor your kids over hers and another child will be put in the middle.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

Marrying

a younger woman without children and expecting her to be content with your situation is unrealistic and even a little selfish.

It sounds like your need to "father" your children is in conflict with your "husband" duties. If your wife doesn't want to be a stepmother it will eventually affect your children and she will become more and more unhappy.

The primary duty that you have in life is to PROTECT your children. Sounds harsh, but if you want emotionally healthy children (and return your wife to a healthy state of mind)you will put your love life aside and pick up your marbles and go home. Stay single until your kids are grown.(this doesn't mean you shouldn't date---it is called discretion.)

I don't mean to be harsh---and believe me the younger generation doesn't agree with my analysis about giving up the "love life" portion of your life-----but I wouldn't take chances in raising my children. If you screw it up, you won't get another chance and sometimes the damage is irreparable.

You seem like a very intelligent and concerned man. Your wife is not a mean ogre and she too deserves to be happy. I can totally relate to her.

Sometimes we have to do the hard thing in order to do the right thing in finding real solutions. Putting fresh band-aids on problems solves them for awhile---but only a while.

Good luck.

Angel

I think you and I are more or less on the same page.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

How weak of a parent can you

How weak of a parent can you be to allow anyone to hurt your children I have a son who doesn't have the backbone to protect his kids from a jealous immature stepmom. You brought your children into the world and they didn't sign up for this. you growups created this mess and they have already lost their family and have to share you with her. Not the other way around. They were here first. She sounds like my sons wife who is totally selfcentered and wants his world to revolve around her. But as much as I hate her, it is the parent's fault, my son , to even have someone like this in his and his childrens lifes. She does more for her dog than for my grandchildren and he allows it.

Are you a stepmom, grandma?

Because if you're not, don't bash us. IT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT!! I am in a similar situation as this man's wife. My DH's daughters are 12 and 15 and they are a nightmare. They as well as crazy, lesbian BM hate me and make mine and DH's lives HELL. I don't have any children of my own and will never because DH has had a vasectomy. So, the miserable step-kids that I have are it for me!

Yet, I am supposed to be some "wonderful" step-mom to them while they walk all over us?? I am ALWAYS good to these kids and they still treat me like sh*t. Luckily, my husband puts me FIRST and LOVES me very much. We have had our problems in the last year and a half, but things are getting WAY better.

He accepts and understands that my relationship with the s-kids will never be the same as what he has because they are NOT MY KIDS. They are more like annoying strangers that we have to see EOW and one weeknight. We both see a therapist to work out our issues and the more he goes, the more he understands my feelings on the subject.

So, if you have not been in this situation you have no right to call your daughter-in-law "selfish". She was probably just like me when she met your son. SINGLE, HAPPY, CHILD-FREE W/A DOG AND UNSTRESSED!! Then she married into hell...just like I did!

Love

Your post makes me sad

because I really can understand the complicated feelings that your new wife has. I truly believe that being a stepmother is one of the hardest tasks in the world, and there is nothing that can prepare you after the honeymoon period ends. It sounds like your kids are like my stepkids--generally good, loving kids that want to connect to you and be a part of your family.

It helps me a lot when my dh tells me that he loves me and that I am great with his kids, and when he does little things to make me feel better after tough days. He sticks up for me ANY time the kids are fresh to me (rare -- they are really good kids) and I think he allows them to treat him much worse than they are permitted to treat me. It sounds like your wife needs love and reassurance. There are ups and downs with this stepmom duty, and some days just feel unbearable and overwhelming. You feel lonely and disconnected from the family unit, even when you share their last name! My friend has a code word that she uses with her dh to tell him that he needs to take the kids and get out of her space for a bit -- that really seems to work well. She also takes trips to the spa to relax from time to time while he watches the kids.

Ultimately, though, this is her burden to struggle through. Do your best to be fair and understanding, but don't put your relationship with your children in peril for her. You will just wind up resenting her for it.

In my opinion...

You and your wife should find a really good therapist and work through your issues. I'm sure you love your wife, just as you love your kids. My DH and I are in therapy and have been since we got engaged (we've been married for a year now)...mainly to help with the transition into this new "family" for me, DH, the 2 SD's (12 and 15) and also to find ways to deal with his jealous, crazy ex-wife. You are lucky you don't have to deal with that part!! It is truly a nightmare!

I really don't think you want to go through a divorce. You should fight for your marriage. It's worth it, trust me!

Love

I would suggest therapy. I

I would suggest therapy. I can see both sides. I am 11 yrs younger than my husband but I also have a bs as well as ss.
I understand having resentments toward skids, as I do mine
however that is because he from day one has disrespected me, and my dh did nothing to fix it. my ss was also very jelous of my bs because he was no longer the baby of he family.
I knew when I married my husband his child was part of the package,
although I didn't know how hard it would be and that I would be treated like crap by the kid.
If what your saying is that your wife doesn't like your kids just because then that is a problem. She should have never married you.
I only have my ss for weekends and vacations so when I feel disrespected, I stay away or my dh takes him out on his own.
I know my dh is not going to stop seeing his child.
I think the fact you only have them on the weekend, and you say you spend quality time with your wife, she probably just isn't cut out for being with someone with kids.
I would never allow any man to tell me I could not see my bs, if I only had him on weekends. Frankly I wish his bio dad would be there for him and spend time with him.
I have gone to therapy alone to deal with some of my issues with ss because I love my husb and wanted it to work. In the beginning I did think we were going to divorce over his kid.

I agree with grandma. Your

I agree with grandma. Your wife needs to stop behaving like a child and realize it ISN'T ALL ABOUT HER. I could understand her feelings if the children were behaving badly towards her or if you expected her to do your job as a parent while they visited, but clearly that isn't the case. Your children are still young and I'm sure it is very uncomfortable for them when they vist you. I'm sure they know that their presence is a thorn in your wife's side and that is sad.

If she is so worried about what you spend on your children, then perhaps you both should have a joint household account for bills but separate accounts for incidentals, such as a fricking ice cream for your kids. If my husband dared to make me feel bad about providing something for my kids whether it be a necessity or something I want to give them, we'd be having some serious discussion about where our relationship is heading. Again, I could understand her point if all of your money was going towards your children and you and she were not able to do things for yourselves and again, that doesn't seem to be the case.

I also agree with grandma in that she may be selfish and greedy, but it really is your own fault. You knew she did not feel a warm and fuzzy for your children before you married her. Did you think that ring would change that?

You and your wife need to seriously discuss these issues and come to some kind of agreement otherwise I truly believe your relationship will last long enough to hurt any relationship with your children moving forward.

I feel like I am very much

I feel like I am very much like your wife at the moment, however I am not married-just dating a man with a child. It is extremely hard for me to make peace with the fact my partner has a child. A woman wants to feel like the number one in their man's life.. unless they are the ones that have your children. As much as she loves you and obviously wants you to be in her life, I don't think she will ever completely be okay and comfortable with your situation. Yes, she knew what she was getting into before you married, but I feel women often make decisions based on their heart and not necessarily with their heads. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation, I am sorry this is happening because I am sure you are trying everything for her to be happy. And you sound like you are doing everything you can do to be a good father which is ultimately the most important thing despite this being really hard for your wife.

I wish you all the best..

You are here

PLEASE help me to help my new step-parent wife !!!