There is soooooo much going on with so many different people and all these seperate issues are mixing together to create a very misrable home life. I need help and fast! I have 3 step-children, and no bio kids of my own. The 2 oldest I have no issues with, thery are a bit older, and have never lived with me and my husband. The youngest SD who was 15 when we came to know eachother and is now 17 is the one who I struggle to have a relationship with. Here's the break down...

The Ex Wife: There is soooo much history to be told to really get the just of what she is like. I'm sure she has some good qualities when she chooses to let them shine through, but for the past 4 years I've yet to see many. She wants what she wants, when she wants it and has a REALLY hard time thinking her actions through. She like's to think of herself as the "victum" and rarely thinks about the things she’s doing and how it hurt others or make situations more complicated. Her actions almost always reflect her "personal feelings" about me being a step-mom, or my husband rather than using her adult logic and doing what is right for her daughter/my SD. EXAMPLE: SD was having some problems, so I sat down and talked to her. I told my husband about the conversation and then also emailed BM figuring she would want to know what’s going on with her daughter. She then told my husband that she will NOT talk to me about SD; he is the dad and she is the mom. Problem: I am the one who does a majority of the problem solving and communicating with my SD; it is not my husband who is talking to SD about sex, boys, drugs, etc. or even her feelings about other sensitive topics… it is ME!! But once again, BM can’t put her personal feelings aside. She’d rather not hear anything about how her daughter is doing then have to hear it from someone she dislikes. It seems simple enough for my husband to pass on the information to BM, but it is not! My husband for lack of better words is horrible with communication. He can never remember everything I tell him and only tells bits and pieces of the story. It’s like the game where you whisper something in someones ear and at the end of the line it’s all misconstruded. BM dislikes me not because I'm a bad step-mom, or person... but rather because when she decided to get a 2nd divorce from the man she cheated on my husband with, she also decided she wanted my husband back. We were only dating at that time, but he choose to be with me not her. 2nd – she dislikes me because I am a good step-mom. She’s not pleased by the fact that I treat her daughter well and make every effort to help raise her and try to have a good relationship with her. BM once said she was upset because “I was doing all the things with my SD that she “couldn’t” do”. Which is a bunch of BS!!! More into this later, but ultimately there is nothing I do with my SD that her BM “couldn’t” do… it’s more of what SD’s BM “won’t do” or “chooses” not to do! Anyways, BM let’s those personal feelings dictate how she treats me, in turn my SD see’s that there is conflict there, which makes everyone uncomfortable, especially my SD who is trying to figure out how to have a relationship with her mom and me. In a nut shell, NO MATTER WHAT good I do for her daughter/mySD she flat out refuses to respect me for any of it!! ZERO GRADITUDE!!

Where we clash: I have what I consider a “proactive” approch to parenting. I see trouble or sense something is off and I hit the ground running. I initate communication, I activly look for warning signs, If I smell trouble I go looking to find the problem and seek out answers. My husband and SD’s BM are oopsite, they are what I consider “reactive” parents. To me, it’s a style of parenting where mom and dad generally pay no mind to warning signs that something is off with SD. They wait until SD get’s caught doing what she isn’t suppose to do, and then they react to the situation in ways by talking, yelling, passing out punishment, etc. Then they “wait” for another situation to arise and go through the same routine. To me this “reactive” style doesn’t make sense. Being “proactive” driven I feel the need to stop or detere problems as much as possible before they get out of hand. I’d prefer to know what my teen SD is thinking, planning, feeling, etc. Even if I know all these things I know my SD is still going to break rules, make wrong choices, but my thought process is the more I know about what’s going on in “her world” and in her head the more I can help her avoid as much trouble as possible and hopefully, god willing, make it out of her teenaged years as normal as possible. Not only that but in a way I’m protecting myself also. If I didn’t know my SD was sextually active, and I didn’t talk to her about it, and then my SD gets pregnant at an early age she will not be the only one to suffer… her dad and I will also struggle along with her. I happen to like the idea of being in some sort of control of my own furture. I really don’t trust my teenaged SD to take into consideration how she can/will impact my future and the things I have planned when deciding if she’s going to sleep with her boyfriend or not. These 2 very different parenting styles or views is where we clash!! BM doesn’t want to hear from me… husband is not a communicator anymore than BM. So I end up doing the work, communicating with SD…husband struggles to communicate it to BM, and feels as if he’s thrown in the middle. BM doesn’t get the whole story and rarely makes any moves to communicate with SD about anything that was discussed. BM would rather blow it off because that just means she’d have to step up and be a parent and find ways to problem solve the situation herself. Her attitude is why go the extra mile to parent from a far when I have bio dad there to do it…right? Oh, but bio dad isn’t a communicator either and leans on me to do that. And then we r back at square one.. UGH! I mean what a nightmare!!! Basically… I am a communicator living with and around non- communicators. They both see I’m good at it, and it’s become a habbit to let me do all the communicating and problem solving with my SD and they still get to hold the title of “Mom and Dad”. My husband isn’t as near as bad as BM… he admits to sucking at communicating, he’s just hates it so much because he’s so bad at it that he avoids it when ever possible.

BM decided 3 years ago when SD moved in with me and my husband that she was finished taking on any parenting roles. BM lives 3 hours away… she will go months without seeing my SD because she claims she has no money to meet half way to get her. Yet, she can have her nails done, go to the tanning bed, and go out with friends on a regular basis… who is paying for all that crap? She pays no child support… and doesn’t offer to help fund any of my SD’s school activities. She claims she wants to help, but when you tell her about the cost of something she gets snotty with you and acts as if she’s being put out. BM is more concerned with herself and boyfriends to really care whether she’s being proactive in her daughters life. She figues if she buys her a few outfits for school once a year and takes her to a musical then she’s done her part. She is perfectly fine with leaving me and my husband to all the hard teenaged stuff. And then turns her nose up at me as if I’m worthless, and gets upset that I appear to be “trying to take her place”. I’ve written this woman about 5 letters…all which I have saved but never sent.

BM and SD relationship: it is rough. When I joined this family SD was in all sorts of trouble. She was emotionally distressed, acting out and getting into a lot of trouble! I did what came natural to me…communication. Until me I don’t think SD ever knew what it was to communicate. She’s very much like her father and avoids communication, especially if there is potential for conflict or difference of opions to arise. She almost didn’t know what to do with herself when I’d approach her to talk… especially about sensitive matters like boys, sex, and really any of her feelings. SD was already sexually active, still torn by her parents divorce never having fully coped with it, and also struggling with suicidal thoughts. I kept an eye on her and her moods on a regualr basis, I tried to encourage her to tell me anything, and the final straw was finding 2 stick figure pictures she had drawn. One was of her holding a gun and her shooting people in her family… the other was of her lying dead and her family jumping for joy L I went to my husband and told him she needed a counselor. She still see’s the counselor to this day. The main factors that have come out in counseling is her feelings about her relationship with her mom / wanting her parents back together. She wants a close mother daughter relationship with her BM, but feels her BM ignores her, etc. So instead of being mad at her BM she takes that anger and directs it at me. She stated she didn’t understand why I would try so hard to be there for her and do things with her when her own mother won’t even go that extra distance. It was like I was just a big fat reminder of what she wants with her BM. Her relationship with her BM continues to struggle and I still get the blame a lot. BM was asked by the counselor and my SD to come to a counseling session…just the 2 of them. This was before Christmas of 2010. BM has yet to show up for this counseing session! In 3 yrs she has been to 1! SD is getting older…she’s now 17 and starting to catch on to her mom blowing her off. She see’s that her mom’s nails are done when she tells her she doesn’t have money to take her any where to do anything. Example: me and BM were suppose to meet half way for SD to come home from a visit with BM. BM goes to the lake with friends and BF on a regualar basis and decided that Saturday afternoon that it was more important for her to be at the lake then actually bring her daughter half way home. So she recruited my SD’s older brother to drive my SD home and left to go to the lake. My SD saw right through it and came home feeling like she was less important to her BM then the lake and her BF. I saw it to! She’s consistantly recruiting the older kids to bring SD home! But if there is one thing I’m totally proud of myself for is I’ve NEVER and mean NEVER pointed out BM flaws to my SD or bad mouthed her to my SD. I’ve actually always done the opposite and reassured my SD that her BM loves her and encourage my SD to talk to her BM and tell her how she feels. I always tell her nothing will change unless you take some sort of action to change it, and telling your mom how you feel is a great 1st step.

Me and SD: Because of struggling relationship with BM my SD still seems to prefer to keep an arm’s length distance from me when it comes to any type of emotional bonding. SD seems more content with me NOT telling her I love her, or hugging her, or doing activities together that a mom and daughter would. How ever she is a teenager and doesn’t have any issues with me carting her some where, paying for things, spoiling her, etc. This is a bit dishearting for me because it makes me feel REALLY USED!! Example of arms length: imagine your taking a photo with someone you love or care about… you wrap your arms around one another, sqwish your faces together or show some sort of affection. My SD is super stiff when she takes a photo with or near me… like I have some disease I’m going to give her. Example of using: She was suppose to get online and find a fathers day gift for her dad… she didn’t. So fathers day morning I gave her the gift I had got my husband so she wouldn’t be empty handed. She walked into the room with the gift hidden behind her back, whipped it out and said “HAPPY FATHERS DAY!” as if she had put a lot of thought into it. So I think to myself, ok she’s a good actress. Do you think she came to me and said “thanks for letting me give dad that gift”… nope! Didn’t even blink an eye or think twice. The easiest way to discribe it is the “jock/ & nerd syndrom”… you know, the typical story of a girl who is infactuated with the high school jock even though he doesn’t even know she’s there, while her nerdy friend does just about anything she wants. BM is the jock… SD is just dying to have a relationship with her, even though BM is all about herself right now and I am the nerd… loving , caring, wanting whats best for her… BUT, we all know what happens to the nerd. Eventually the nerd hits a breaking point and says to themselves “why am I doing all this for someone who just uses me for what I have to offer without ever really committing to the friendship”… I am the nerd questioning why in the world am I torturing myself????? Counselor keeps saying I’m doing an amazing job, so then why don’t I feel amazing? I feel beat up, sad, used and full of frustration!

I’m sure there is someone here who has gone through this and survived… any help will be greatly appreciated!!! Thanks so much!!!!