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I hate this life

Happycamper's picture

Venting...so sorry. Today has been one of those days. It’s been filled with so many tears and I feel like DH doesn’t even care. Well, he’s shown he hasn’t. It started out with a huge argument this morning. Stupid stuff mind you. One thing that we do not do well at all with is communicating. I’ve had so much building up inside I think I have broken. The argument was so trivial I can’t hardly remember what it was about. What I do remember is that he turned something small into a huge fight. I was crying and told him I was crying because I was hurt because it doesn’t even bother him when we get to that point and he makes me cry. He said something like I always play the victim and turn it around in him. I told him I had to go get in the right kind to actually work and he laughed as I hung up! This evening...well it all revolves around SD. We went to her senior awards at school. He left me alone for a few minutes to go hug some of SD’s old friends that I don’t know. I felt stupid because I’m left standing right by BM and her clan is a family. When we got into the car I asked him if I could tell him something without getting into an argument. I should know that would never happen. I told him that I had anxiety about going to SD’s party that BM is putting on because it’s all BM’s friends and family. She’s made it clear that she really doesn’t want us there but DH insists so we’re going. I just asked him to make sure that he doesn’t get to talking to old friends, you know the ones that him and BM had and leave me at the table for long. He took this as a personal attack. Like how dare I say he would do that. I’m not accusing him. I am just the type of person that if something can be prevented ahead of time I prevent it. I mainly wanted reassurance because I really don’t want to go and I’m dreading this. I know BM flaps her jaws about me. Oh yeah, he’s dumb enough to say why would she talk about you, she really doesn’t know you. A scorned woman she is! He went on to make more stupid comments like that day is not about you, it’s abiuy princess. I told him that it wouldn’t take away from princess if he was making sure I wasn’t feeling isolated. He went on and on about how it’s her day and not mine. I was pissed. I said that the world doesn’t revolve around princess and no matter what he should make sure that his wife is ok and care about my feelings. He said that on that day the world WILL revolve around princess! I tried to explain to him that if princess was having this fear he wouldn’t be discounting it. He said my fear was dumb. He just went on and on and on. Then he says that I need reassurance of some sort every day and it’s ridiculous. I’m so darn mad right now. I always care about his feelings but I’ve cried on and off all day and he acts like a jerk. There are more insensitive things he said but I don’t have enough time in the day to type them. 

Comments

notasm3's picture

Why in the hell are you going to this damn party?  He’s just told you that this is all about princess and that you don’t matter at all. Don’t be stupid. Just stay home. You will regret going if you do go. 

Happycamper's picture

Oh yeah...here’s one of his stupid comments...”you wonder why the skids don’t want to hug you or talk to you, because you’re making things about you.” ??? Really? He’s surely ok with his kids dissing me. Just another thing I’m harboring resentment about. I tell you, the resentment is building and building. 

stepmom27's picture

He should make you feel important and like your opinions matter. You guys should not be going to a party that his ex is throwing. He should have his own thing for his daughter. You should be made a priority. The marriage should always come first. The kids are gonna be out of the house before he knows it and its going to be you two. I'm sorry you are going through this, it especially sucks if none of your friends are going through the same thing. Being married to a man with children is the hardest thing I have ever done. If you haven't read "stepmonster" I think that you should read it. With him. I did with my husband and I think it saved our relationship. I was ready to leave. He took a lot of the advice in the book and appologized to me. Dont give up on YOU. Don't settle...not until you are happy. 

Happycamper's picture

I suggested that we do our own party and let BM do hers. For some reason DH is disillusioned and thinks that he should be at EVERYTHING for the skids. I do need to read the book but I have come to the conclusion that nothing will help my DH. When he wouldn’t even listen to me tonight about my anxieties, I realized that he is hopeless to try to communicate with. I think his world is going to crumble when SD goes to college. DH puts her on a pedestal and thinks that she is perfect. I caught her lying just this week where she didn’t invite DH to something. DH’s were very hurt but somehow he ends up worrying that SD has stress or she didn’t do it on purpose. She did not really like she subconsciously did it. Yes. He comes up with this stuff. I’m definitely only the top priority when the skids aren’t around. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. My stbX is obsessed with pleasing his children and pleasing himself above pleasing me. He used to make gestures that looked like pleasing me was important, when in fact, most of the time it was smoke and mirrors while he went ahead and did what he wanted to on the sly, telling me 1/2 truths so he could technically say he kept me informed.

Most recently, we busted our humps to clean our house and prepare it for listing for sale, and at the last minute, he informs me that SS18 wants to move back in that very weekend. Wait. Did I just clean up those disgusting bedrooms for YOUR KIDS or did we clean them to SELL THE HOUSE? I feel very used........again.

We are not speaking except to discuss offers on the house. There is no other conversation....at all. I can tell he's trying to cajole me again with "good morning" and lame jokes to break the ice. Sorry pal. I might have been stupid enough to fall for that crap before. No longer.

Cannot wait to get this freaking house SOLD and put my cash in the bank. Then AMF!!!!

marblefawn's picture

Next time, tell him you're not going to SD's event. If he gives you any lip, feed him his own words: "This day is all about SD. So you go celebrate SD and have a good time."

There is no way for you not to feel anxious around those people. He doesn't care about your anxiety. If you don't go, you won't have that anxiety. Problem solved all the way around.

After the first time you don't go to a SD event, you will feel some anxiety when he returns, but there will be no fight because you took back your power: YOU chose not to attend. You won't be begging him to understand your anxiety. He won't be accusing you of making it all about you.

There is no reason for you to go to these events if you're treated shabbily by him and his ex clan. SO STOP GOING. I promise you that when you start TAKING CONTROL by removing the target from your back, you will get back some peace. It takes a long time to get over the resentment, but as it is now, every time you go, you pick off the scab from the last time and make it worse.

futurobrillante99's picture

Exactly!! Why does he want you there, anyway? Ask yourself that. Because if you think about it, he wants you there FOR HIM and so that no one asks where's SM and why isn't she here for SD.

He doesn't want you there for anything except supporting HIM and SD and making it all about them. It would be one thing if he was a supportive husband and was uncomfortable being about BM, etc. It sounds to me like he's just peachy keen around his ex and her family, so why in the HELL does he feel the need to drag you along and ignore you? Personally, I would feel like a token significant other that is only there to help with driving or talk to him when he's bored from talking to everyone else he knows.

No bueno!

notasm3's picture

So many of you SMs are married to utter aholes. But it’s also on you for that you accept behavior that is unacceptable. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your DH has told you that your feelings don't matter and it is all about SD. Tell him that you want him to be able to devout his full attention to SD at the party, so you are not going to go so he doesn't have to worry about you. If you do go, take your own car and leave if he starts ignoring you.

I know exactly how you feel. I have social anxiety and hate it when I'm at a social event and somehow end up sitting alone at a table. I always feel like everyone is staring at me - even when my logical mind tells me they aren't!

I love dogs's picture

I love this! And who has made it clear that you're not wanted at the party, Happy? Because both BM and SD sure don't mind taking your funds for this party! What scum you have to deal with.

TwoOfUs's picture

He wants you to go to the party to present some kind of perfect, blended family image to the world...his ex and her clan included. 

I've gone to events for DH before under these circumstances (SS's graduation dinner included), but only because we both knew that's what we were doing and we were a united front. 

Your DH wants you to go and make yourself extremely uncomfortable so the HE won't be uncomfortable. If you don't go, he'll have to explain where you are and why you're not there the whole night. He's hoping that you'll put HIS comfort over yours...probably because he often expects this of you and you often comply. 

Don't do it. If you're going to be anxious and have a horrible time, just don't go. 

futurobrillante99's picture

"He wants you to go to the party to present some kind of perfect, blended family image to the world...his ex and her clan included."

THIS!!!!! The never ending Norman Rockwell family painting fantasy!! Enough already - HE and his ex DESTROYED their chances for that. Why do we have to get sucked into the "second class" placeholder spot left by the BM???

hereiam's picture

The problem with your husband, and others like him, is that when they get married again, it's just a side gig for them.

My DH loves his daughter (she was 5 when we got together, she's now 26) but our relationship has always been the main event.

If people want to focus solely on their kids, to the detriment of other relationships, they should not bring anybody else into the fold. It's not fair.

If he's not willing to listen to you, to take your feelings into account, if your are miserable and hate this life, what are you going to do about it? If you don't ever see this changing, what do you WANT to do about it?

momjeans's picture

This!

OP, he’s emotionally bankrupt. You’re killing yourself, slowly, fighting the same fight, over and over, with the expectation of a different outcome. 

Stop engaging in things regarding his daughter. I’m sure he’ll ramp up his abuse if you do, though, so be prepared. 

Leave this fool. 

princessmofo's picture

Camper, I have followed your blogs and I am begging you to reconsider this relationship.  Please leave this wretched, selfish, spineless little infraction of a man!  At the very least disengage from him and his spawn.  He has shown you time and time again who he is, so believe him.  Please for your own sanity and dignity draw a line in the sand and say no more.

ndc's picture

Wait until the last minute, feign illness and skip the party.  Then spend your alone time while he's at the party thinking about the best way to leave him.

marblefawn's picture

Although feigning illness is one of my favorite ploys, I wouldn't recommend it this time. What will you tell him the next time? And the next time? Be honest. Tell him the event is to celebrate his daughter (his words) and you will only be "in the way" (your observation). He might try to change your mind -- I suspect he's like my SIL, who will ask the mailman, the trash guy, her dog's vet, and all her neighbors to anything celebrating her daughters because the cheering can't be loud enough for her perfect kids. They don't give a fig about whether it's appropriate or if the kid even LIKES you, they just want a full house to celebrate their kids -- which, let's be honest, is really by extension a celebration of THEM as their parents.

But I digress. Don't give in. Don't go. No matter what he says or how he promises to be by your side, do not give in once you make the decision to do what's best for you.

HE allowed this division. HE didn't step in to defend you to his ex family. HE says you're needy and anxious instead of comforting you and trying to see your point of view. HE allowed the division, so let him endure the results of that, which is that you won't be there for the festivities.

What kind of crazy woman goes and willingly endures a situation in which she's not wanted, not treated well or kindly and then crapped all over by her husband???

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

I am going to go against the majority here and NOT speak against your DH. Sometimes we have to read between the lines and not call out spouses simply by reading a vent blog. Of course OP is angry and frustrated and has this feelings against her DH but that does not necessarily mean he is an asshole. Or she should leave him. That is THEIR relationship to work out. She is asking advise no how to deal with a sitation that has arisen...

OP - honestly I feel like your DH is deflecting. I have experienced where you are at and only recently has SO come around to understand that the world does not revolve around skids. And that THEY are to blame, not ME! 

Your DH has no idea how to handle, in his mind, two families. Because he is still treating it as such. When in reality it is BM and SD on HER time and DH and SD on his time. Along with their prospective families. 

You and DH should be having a party for YOUR families together. BM can do as she chooses, none of your business. Same vice versa. If skid doesn't appreciate that effort then by all means no party. But that doesn't mean Daddy runs to BM's party. SEPARATE FAMILIES! 

Sadly he has yet to understand that thought process. And because he can't make it work (and never will be able to, it doesn't work because it is not longer true) he has to blame someone and that is you. He needs to reflect on what he wants. Does he want a nuclear family? If so, take the hint and bail. If not then he needs to man up and begin to adult. Simple as that.

But you are going to need to have that hard talk with him. I get it isn't easy. Right now you are hanging by a thread that even the wind could break. But knowing what he wants is half the battle.

Happycamper's picture

I totally agree that things should be separate with the families. That is how it is with my kids and ex. We don’t  get together and do joint parties. I think that BM brain washed DH that everything is for their kids and somehow he’s convinced himself that if he misses anything whether it’s with BM or not he’s a bad dad. This year he has canceled plans for weekend trips to see my kids because at the last minute SD asks him to attend her ball game...the same game that we go to every Friday night. I can tell him it’s ok to miss things but when I’ve got the whole other clan pulling him in that direction I will never win. 

DaizyDuke's picture

I find it odd and a bit sad that your DH is hell bent on going to this party, when you said BM made it clear she really didn't want y'all there.  And honestly why would she??  Why does he need to ride on BMs shirt tails?  Like you said, why can't he have his own celebration, even if it's just dinner and handing her her gift?  I mean if the party is going to be as big as you are eluding it to be (with grandiose wedding type cakes, entertainment etc) does he really think he is even going to spend much more than 10 minutes interacting with SD?  she'll be with her friends for pete's sake!  I've been to a couple of big bash graduation parties and I'm quite certain I only saw the graduate a total of 5 seconds in each scenario. 

I agree with others above, it's almost like he feels pressured to put on some Brady Bunch type show for everyone by y'all being there... and NOBODY cares but him!!  It also makes me sad, because I feel like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you DO go, given DH's past actions and comments  (best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior) you are going to leave in a fight.  If you don't go, you are going to get in a fight.  You can't win here, through no fault of your own.  I think you need to do what you feel best for YOU.  Maybe drive seperate cars?  And if he is ignoring you, then leave?  Who knows, maybe by some shocker you will have a good time??  I know that's a stretch but I guess stranger things have happened