need to vent.... And do other step parents feel this way??
Feeling extremely frustrated this evening. A little background about our family, myself and DH each had children from a previous marriage. He had 2 girls, I had a son and we're presently expecting. DH adopted my son.
My SDs are with bio mom more than they are here. They're here 5 days every other week. Friday thru Monday then Thursday and Friday. My DS is here full time of course. My DH has no trouble with the relationship between he and DS. He treats him as he should, like his own. However, when my SDs are here the rules are different. My son is still expected to do his chores and follow the rules. The girls get away with things DS would never get away with. Especially when it comes to me. I'm frequently ignored and disobeyed. If I say or do anything I'm then berated for being wrong by DH in front of them! But when I tell him I need him to help with them he says I need to be Stern and I need to be the one to discipline them or fuss at them as the offense was directed at me not him.
I'm feeling like I got the short end of the stick here. He works full time and goes to school. I volunteer at the SDs school and stay involved. I'm at school now than their BM. Yet I'm treated like a second class citizen and a non parent by all involved! In turn I feel very resentful... And honestly I've grown to dread their biweekly visits. So how do you all deal with differences in parenting between children? Do other stepparents feel resentment and apprehension at times?
I completely understand. My
I completely understand. My husband had custody of his sons, BM was not an active part of the kids' lives, we married and I became the parent with the largest role to care for these boys. If tried to get husband to tke ace of issies and he would tell me to handle them. Then when I did and the boys belly-ached to dad or I needed his support he questioned my way of delaing with the situationa nd said he would not have done it that way. I caused terrioble resentment between me and the boys and between me and my husband. We have been married 20 years and the boys moved out on their own long ago but the resentment remains. Your husband has to stop saying anything against you in front of his children, everything you two talk about concerning the kids or your relationship should be done so in private. He also needs to step to the parent plate and give you more support for the choices you make.
I think parents who divorce many time feel guilt and not making their chidlren abide by rules and giving them what they want relieves the parents' guilt but it does nothing beneficial for the child. The girls have to ahve rules just like your son and your husband needs to realize this.
Ok the 1st mistake us being
Ok the 1st mistake us being told your wrong.in front of sd,s as that shows them tour bot really a team .
my sd us the ultimate bitch if she is allowed but consequences usually stop her.
I think you need to sit down with your partner and talk it over .
Hi!! I totally know (sadly)
Hi!! I totally know (sadly) what you are going thru!! I wish I had all the answers to this common issue your dealing with!! The suggestions that I can give is to make your DH step up & be the "usual" Disciplinaran to the girls!! He needs to put his guilty feelings aside & try to parent all the kids the same!!! He needs to take the lead role in this for it to work!!! Just because they dont live there full time does Not mean there is no rules & consequences!!!!!! Can you try to sit down with DH alone & come up with Rules & Consequences? Write them down & agree with how to discipline them, then follow thru? Same with chores. DH Must get in board with you & heres the Huge part-- He MUST back you up 110%. Every. Single. Time!!!! If he doesnt agree with something-- he MUST not show it to the kids!!!! You two have to talk about differences, ideas & whatnot Away from the kids!!!! Otherwise they easily see DH not backing you up-- which then shows the girls that he does Not support you!!!! He is doing the most damage doing this to you!!!!!
My DH is Just now getting on board with all this, after 3 loooong years of his boys disrespecting me. It sucks & DH is gonna have alot to repair- but atleast I finally got him to see the light!!!
Hang in there!!! I know it can feel really awful to deal with!!!
It makes me feel a little
It makes me feel a little better to know that I'm not the only SM who feels that way. I love my SDs, but there are times I do resent them and I'm tired of feeling that way. I wish I could get him to understand that my relationship to his girls is NOT the same as his relationship with DS. *sigh* I just needed somewhere to vent and someone to vent to. And I guess I needed some affirmation that my feelings are normal and ok... And that I'm doing a good job. I fear if we don't work out these small issues now in a couple more years when they become teenagers those small issues will become large issues. Thanks everyone for your input.
I need to vent as well.. The
I need to vent as well.. The BM moved out of state and abandoned the SS (9); took all his clothes, toys and furniture.. She has been getting money from the SS fraudently for over a 1 1/2 for a child she does not even have custody of... has paid not a dime for his support. .. Constantly wants to drag H into court for visitation issues when she sees him during all his vacation time and gives us no time with him during holidays..Insists on calling every night at dinner time just to talk to the kid, which ruins our supper time... Has about bankrupted us... I have been supporting the family for all this time and have had it... I am frustrated and angry at her for causing me all these problem... I am becoming so angry at H and SS that I am about to explode...