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Need Advice about Dad expectations for seeing his kids

bstraley's picture

I have been divorced for 8 years, there are 4 kids.  I am remarried and married my wife 5 years ago.  She has 1 son.  I have a 60/40 split with my exwife and my kids currently live 1.5 hours away from me in a rural area of Idaho.  I live this far away because of work.  My wife's ex live 1 hour away from us.  My wife drives her son to a meeting point 1 hour away every tues, thurs and every other weekend so every other Friday night and Sunday we pick him up.  I get my 4 kids 2 weekends in a row and then every other weekend in the summer.  When my wife and I married we tried to find a middle ground between both exes where we could easily access the kids and still create a life of our own.  That is the backstory.

Shortly after we married there began to be a great amount of animosity from my wife towards my relationship with my kids.  Before I met her I would attend back to school nights, parent teacher conferences, sporting events, religious events, etc at their school 1 hour and 30 minutes away.  My kids wanted me to be there but my wife says that is taking time away from us.  She states that when I married her I agreed to make my life about her and her son and my kids would be allowed to see us on their visitation time but that I should not go and visit them at their mom's city when they have special events in their lives.  I disagreed with that and it became a huge point of contention and fights and ultimately I gave up and stopped going to see my kids activities.

 

My kids are starting to do more and more with their lives  and I am missing out on those parts that they are excited about.  My wife's child gets to do anything that he wants at our house or his dad's and we go to those events because she is the mom her relationshiop t is different for moms' than it is for dads.  I am getting fed up with  this.  If I put my foot down and attend the kids events it will lead to another divorce.  So I need to figure out if my expectation to be apart of my kids lives away from my home is unrealistic or if there should be a better balance?  Who is right?  What are your expectations with your kids?

zea.momie's picture

No one should stop you from seeing your kids for their special events.  I could understand her being upset if it happens 2-3 nights a week,  every week.  But even then she should only ask you to pick one or two events a week, not completely miss out. 

You married her,  she came with a kid.  She married you,  you came with 4.  She should not expect you to give up the special things in your kids lives if she does not give them up for hers as well.  Fair is fair.  As long as you are spending quality time with her,  showing her the love and respect she deserves, spending time with your kids should not be an issue. 

Good luck

 

Java_Junkie's picture

Such is the life of being a step-spouse. You'll get the worst end of every double-standard unless you tell her something to get her to see it from your perspective. I'd consider something like:

 

You ARE first in my life. That's why I live with YOU, not elsewhere. I don't ask you to turn your back on your kid, please don't ask me to do that to mine. You ARE tops, but I can't NOT be part of their lives - and I sure won't ask you to shun your kid. Please allow me to be a dad; they'll be older soon enough.

 

The veiled message I get from your wife is very childish. Many spouses in step relationships feel like their kids are MORE special than their new spouse's kids (they will never say it, but their actions speak louder). I see all the kids as equally worthy of the best, but I won't cater to spoiled brats... including when my own (now adult) kids are acting badly (I call them out!) - and DW's kids when they are acting badly (I disengage!). If she threatens you somehow because you need to see your kids, don't be afraid to go through your checklist, and if she's dishing up emotional blackmail on you, call her out (nicely, but you have to say something because she might not even know she's doing it).

ESMOD's picture

I agree with what everyone else has said.. you deserve to be able to be there for your kids too.  It isn't just the perogative of a mother.  That being said, if you have 4 kids, and the distance is so great, I can see how there may be times when the time away from your home (and by extension your wife) would be pretty great.  Honestly with her custody schedule, I can already see how this would be difficult to manage and find time for the two of you.  But she just has one kid.. with 4 of your own, it is going to result in more awards, games etc...

While I don't want to suggest you just capitulate and let her run the show completely, maybe it would be a good idea for you to take a frank look at both your schedules and see exactly how much of your time and her time is really caught up in the commute and watching the kids at their events.  You might find that you need to reduce what you do just a little to make sure that everyone including her is getting quality time.  I know you live with her.. but if all it is going to be is sleeping in the same room because you are both absent during waking hours.. that's not great.

I don't see anything wrong with prioritizing your time and with 4 kids, I imagine that you already have to balance things since they probably have overlapping needs at times.  Maybe if you see a time when you will be particularly busy with your kids' things you could make sure you carve out some time for her or do something special to offset the feeling that she is being excluded.. like planning a just the two of you trip somewhere nice.

 

bstraley's picture

See the thing is I only went out there a handful of times.  With my work schedule I have off every other Wed, Thurs, Fri and Saturday to spend time with her alone.  Games would usually be once a week and school things a couple of times every other month ish

Ispofacto's picture

That's not excessive at all.  Your post made me sad.  I'm sorry this is happening to you.  Isolation is a form of abuse.  Marriage is a long game.  Your kids are only kids for a while, and then you and your spouse will be alone together.  But I could see her trying to limit their time with you even when they become adults.  She sounds controlling and jealous.

ESMOD's picture

That is sad that the handful of times is being resented on her end when it appears she is absorbed in extra duty for her child 4 days a week via her visitation schedule (which sounds exhausting to maintain).

Unless you are going off to disney dad land every time your kids are around and constantly pointing out flaws in her children... I don't think reasonable trips to watch your kids in their activities is a bad thing.  It is obviously her choice to join you or not.

Maybe if you tried to show her on a calendar how little you actually do compared to her time it might open her eyes to the inequity of it all..If she refuses to see a reasonable POV... you will have to decide for yourself what you are willing to do to make her and your kids happy. (oh and you too!)

bstraley's picture

I did map it out for the year and it turned out I was at my home with her and her son 90% of the year.  Now that doesn't factor in work and other stuff that she has and it doesn't factor in the fact that I would be at home with her most of the day before the child's event before leaving.  She told me it doesn't matter.  Their life is there, ours is here.  You chose to have a life here with me when you married me (even though that wasn't spoken) and I chose to leave their life alone there (even though that wasn't spoken)

Rags's picture

Nope, your children should get more of your focus than your wife's children. That she thinks that her kids take precedent over your own speaks far more about the character of the woman you are married to than she would likely want you to come to a conclusion on.

Neither her children nor  yours should take priority over the marriage but.... the kids should be equally the top responsibility within the marriage.  That means they get equal billing far behind the marriage itself.  I would suggest a simple formula.  Five kids, balanced focus for each, divide the time accordingly.  Not something she will like of course but ..... it is logical, fair, and manageable.

Yes, you wife and the marriage should be the priority for you just as you and the marriage should be her priority Children are the top marital responsibility.  That means that your kids should be as much of a responsibility for both you and your wife as her kids are.

If she can't see that... then you have some decisions to make.

So, spend the time with your children that you think is appropriate. Her SKids don't take precedents over your own kids.   

Kes's picture

Agree with the other comments.  Your wife is being unreasonable.  I would tell her (NOT ask her) that you are going to be going to your kids' things as you see fit, and that's just the way it is going to be.  I agree that once or twice a week should be the limit as if it is more, you will indeed get hardly any time for your relationship with her, bearing in mind the distances involved.  

If she tries to argue about it, be pleasant but firm, just say - (don't say sorry) - look - this is non negotiable.  Adopt the broken record technique if she makes it necessary (ie keep saying it).  

pinkb's picture

My husband and I have been married almost 6 years.  Marriage is hard and we've had our own share of "ups and downs". We married when my (now) SS was ~15yo. BM is totally absentee except when (before we were married) she used to ask for money when she spent CS money on stupid stuff and ultimately he came to live with us full time.  SS is NO PICNIC... but that's a story for another time.

Before SS graduated from high school I just always figured Dad was going to go to back-to-school night, football, and be the neverending source off need-it-now ride service/money/toys for kid and his friends, etc. 

Once upon a time it irritated the hell out of me... mostly because these events almost always "came up" at the "last minute" and of course it was always on nights/afternoons where I had planned a special dinner or something like that which left me ticked and moody when suddenly it was like "awesome... PERFECT timing!" ("PERFECT Timing" I maintain to this day was kid trying to cause fights but I digress).

Ultimately, I realized that I wasn't upset at all about the time that my husband spent (and still does) with his kid, it was the fact that no one cared about how much it messed with MY schedule. For example, if I found out at 3PM that there was an event that night I pretty much had to leave work that minute to make a very lengthy commute in rush hour traffic (like 2h+) home to take the dog for a walk. However, had I known I could have made other arrangements, etc. and that's just one example.

What my husband and I decided on was that we were going to make decisions about plans that effected one another (even if it just meant it was his night to cook/whatever) we were going to talk about it ahead of time (as much as is reasonable... there are always "emergencies"... no way around that) and we were going to approach the other with respect as a request.

For me it would be something like "I was thinking about inviting <girl friend(s)> over to watch "The Bachelor" tonight, would that be okay with you? Would you like to join us?" This would be before I committed to my friend. He always said "no problem".

For him it would look like "<Kid> has an event at XYZ this evening and I'd really like to go... is that okay with you? Would you like to join us?" This would be before he committed to his kid. I always said "no problem" and felt like I had a choice though I never exercised it.

Thing is... once that courtesy was extended on both sides... I can't think of a single time (unless one/both of us forgot a commitment that interfered on the calendar to which we had collectively agreed upon) either one of us has EVER suggested that the other couldn't do what s/he wanted with kid/friends/family/whatever.

Merely changing the tone an appearing sensitive to the others feelings over a few weeks made this whole thing go away.

Hope this helps.

bstraley's picture

So I tried this approach.  Turns out it is just about the kids.  She says that she is jealous of them and that I want to be there with them (with or without an invite for her to come with, I always invite her)  She told me that she would rather me be out with the guys watching football, or softball or doing anything than being up with my kids.  It just bothers her and she can't get over it.  She is a stay at home mom.  We don't have kids together.  She pretty much handles 100% of her child's issues and I work.  We have dogs that can be put outside or in a kennel.  Even with notice she just says that it is expensive and time consuming even though we have no previous engagements.  I even tried to stipulate, that our family would come first at our home and if there was a birthday, a date night, a thing with her kid or her family that I woudln't leave.  That still isn't ok with her.

Ispofacto's picture

You are paying all the bills.  You are allowing her to be a SAHM to a kid who is not yours.  She should be incredibly grateful.  And then not only is she not grateful, she wants you all to herself.  She decides what is too expensive when she is not even working??  Wtf.  She is incredibly selfish.  She's a toddler with boobs.  Gross.  Time for her to grow the eff up.  Let her try this BS with some other guy.  She will realize how good she had it, but it will be too late.

amyburemt's picture

Go to your kids events, invite your wife along. If she doesn't go then it's on her and she really can't complain then about you going. Might take a few times of inviting her but always extend the invitation even if she says  no. 

Happy12's picture

When you go see your kids take her with you. That is the main problem. If you are not including her in your kids life then she is not going to be happy with you being away from her. She is insecure and it' your job as a husband to make her feel secure.