You are here

My stepsons vs my bio sons

Poohbear's picture

My husband and I have been married for 6yrs now. He was a significant person I dated in high school and met back up with 27 yrs later. He lived in another town while we dated the second time around, so when we wanted to get married, I moved due to ease of getting a job in a hospital was easier than him trying to leave his government job. Anyway, I had no clue what challenges would be with my stepsons. 

To start off, I had only been around them maybe 2-4x while we dated due to a contentious divorce between their Mom and DH. We got custody due to Mom being a piece of crap. SS15 was on 3 meds for ADHD, OCD and Anxiety. Come to find out it all had alot to do with discipline, diet and sleep habits. I did the research and enacted alot of new approaches with limiting sugar, caffeine, home cooked healthy meals, melatonin to help with sleep and discipline. DH resisted alot with the discipline and that has so much to do with where we are today.

We separated for about 9 months from Nov 19 to June 20 due to various issues with the horrific behavior of the SS15 and unfair treatment of my bio sons. We went to counseling where I identified how I was feeling. DH always blows up, yells at his kids and then delivers no consequence for their behaviors. They play ice hockey (most expensive sport out there), get things bought for them all the time, eat out alot, have no chores, play xbox for as long as they wish, talk disrespectful to their Dad and cheat in order to get good grades. SS15 admitted to my son20 that he cheats and got caught in school during a test. What's a slap in the face is he was recently inducted in the National Honor Society for his good grades. 

When my sons come over for an occasion or dinner (age24 and 20), my husband acts cold or has an issue with something they say or do.Like "they are sitting in my chair" or "their views are stupid". Recently my son20 asked if he had an issue with him by way he acted previous night. I had to make excuses for why he was acting that way. I hide when I have lunch or dinner with them away from my own home due to flak DH would give me for me wanting to spend time with them.

I don't know what to do. SS15 is always trying to push my buttons. He has really odd behaviour like he doesn't wear new clothes when they are bought for him, instead leaves tags on and folded in his drawer, leaves new shoes in box and in closet for display. Doesn't like to wash his bed sheets, places things around house as little trophies that he can look at when he enters the room. He unplugs my toaster every night due to his fear of catching on fire even after we have explained it time and time again the unlikeliness of this happening. He whines like a baby when he doesn't feel just right. Bosses his younger brother around and bothers him, makes him upset all the time. Super lazy and takes up to 3 showers a day. One day, he got a notion that he wanted a set of his dirty clothes washed by putting it in washer. They are supposed to wash their own clothes. Well it was my wash day, so I had 3 loads I tended to throughout day as I was doing other things. I saw his set in washer and placed them on the floor, washed my load. Came back to put over in dryer, saw his set was placed in my clean clothes basket. Got annoyed and placed them back on floor. Came back later to get load to fold and start a new one. His was back in washer, I put them on the floor again. Came back last time, they were in my clean clothes basket again. So I then took them, threw them up the stairs where his room is so he could place in his dirty clothes hamper. A bit later while me and DH were watching tv, he comes back down stairs and I hear him go to laundry room again. I tell my husband if he is putting those clothes back in washer or in my basket we were going to have a problem. So my husband asks if that was what he was doing and he lied and said no. I got up and went to washer and they were there. What was the point in this all day? If he wanted them washed with one of my loads, why didn't he ask me? It's always a power struggle with him. His Dad of course blew up at him then nothing. The punishment for jacking with me then lying was to not go to hockey that week and it was all forgotten about the next day.

SS14 is a little easier to deal with. He only yells as he is playing XBOX and occasionally smarts off. Granted I do believe SS15 has an issue. I've narrowed it to either Asperger's or Narcissist Disorder. I've told DH he needs to get back in counseling and see what can be done to help him develop into an adult normally. He blew me off. He has no friends and wants to stay right beside his Dad's side all the time.

I've tried to just hold on to he will be gone to college in 2 years and it'll get better. But really I don't think he will get in or he will never want to leave this nice life style his Dad has for him. That putting my own kids walking on eggshells everytime they come over. Is anyone else experiencing what I do and how are they coming?

tog redux's picture

Sounds like SS still has OCD symptoms. Sad that his father isn't parenting him as he should or taking care of his mental health needs. 

ndc's picture

I'm having a hard time getting past your husband's treatment of your sons.  Does he have any reason to be cold to them or denigrate their views?  Assuming that there isn't bad blood or undisclosed negative history between your kids and your H, you shouldn't have to explain to your kids why your H is treating them poorly, and you most certainly shouldn't feel the need to hide your outings with your own kids because your H will give you grief about spending time with them.

His kid sounds like he'd be very difficult to live with, but it also sounds like his problems are caused by mental health issues that your H is not addressing and piss poor parenting on your husband's part.  In other words, the main problem in all of this is your husband, who appears to be doing NOTHING to change.  As the problem is your husband, it's not going to go away even in the unlikely event that your SS15 manages to launch with his peers.  Maybe it's time for more counseling for you and H, and insisting on seeing some concrete changes with respect to the issues addressed in counseling.  I'd start with his treatment of your sons, because unless there's something we don't know, that is 100% unacceptable.

Poohbear's picture

When we were dating, my oldest was 18 at the time and my son got mad at my husband for trying to correct him coming over without calling late at night. He flipped him off and said Fyou. Then he didn't allow Son24 to come near him or to our house for the next year after we got married. It's all ironic now because his 2 boys have basically told me that in so many other actions and disrespect over and over. It's almost like DH sees their father in them and just don't care for them most of the time they are around.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Is SS still on his meds? Your post made it sound like you think the medications are unnecessary and his problems can be solved in other ways. "SS15 was on 3 meds for ADHD, OCD and Anxiety. Come to find out it all had alot to do with discipline, diet and sleep habits. I did the research and enacted alot of new approaches with limiting sugar, caffeine, home cooked healthy meals, melatonin to help with sleep and discipline. DH resisted alot with the discipline and that has so much to do with where we are today."

Maybe he needs the medications to help him regulate his behaviors. How did you do the research? Did you consult with any of his doctors? It sounds like at least part of his problem is OCD - and discipline isn't going to cure that.

Poohbear's picture

He isn't on meds any longer and when I say did research and found diet, sleep, discipline and routine helped, it was brought to his psychiatrist's attention the changes implemented and supported us being able to wean him off. His laziness is selective when it's things he doesn't want to do. He has the nervous energy, just doesn't use it constructively. Maybe he needs meds again, won't know if his Dad won't get him back in counseling. He sees his grades and he doesn't throw temper-tantrums anymore as indicators he is fine. Yes, my husband is very controlling. I've decided I am going to confront him on the spot next time he acts crappy with my kids. My kids think I tolerate too much and yes I do trying to make sure we stay together. But it's getting ridiculous again!

BethAnne's picture

A boy who showers three times a day and will put his laudry in the washer and check on it repeatedly in a single day is not lazy. He may not be directing his efforts into useful pursuits but he doesn't sound lazy to me.

I agree with the others that ocd seems one likely diagnosis. My ex had it and I recognise some signs in your description. 

IDontCare3117's picture

lol  Do we need to explain why a teenage boy would want to take 3 showers a day???  *blush*

Biostep7777's picture

I am always on the "work it out" category but in this situation? I would consider leaving. Not because of the SS's but because of your husband's behavior. Unless he is willing to go to therapy and open to changing things. I would not put up with any mans behavior who isn't willing to change it. Have you talked about the two of you going to therapy? 

Poohbear's picture

I've been trying my best for the last 10 months to be open-minded and more tolerant. I would like to save the marriage but believe more and more as he takes the mask off that he can't change. He sings his own praises how he has raised his boys and he did this and that. He condemns the "youth of today" about how they are entitled and spoiled. He has that youth. I.get no credit and my bio sons don't feel welcome in their mother's house. I don't want to divorce again but am seeing very few options. We have been to counseling at my incidence last year and he always talk a good game in front of the counselor.He showered me with affections and I'll move for you and all this. But I feel we are right back at square one.

Ispofacto's picture

I find it ironic that you weaned him off his meds, then complain about the symptoms he is exhibiting because...he's off his meds.

Hmmm.  Sounds like he's off his meds.

 

 

Poohbear's picture

Well, he did well for a few years now and has really regressed for the past year. Yes, I do believe he needs to be on meds again, absolutely