My new wife and my children are driving me crazy......!
:jawdrop:
I am 45 years old, recently married to a wonderful woman who is now 50. I have three children, she has 5 children who have 6 children! WE have 8 children and 6 grandchildren! Awesome! I do love them all very much. However...
My children met my then girlfriend a little over 2 years ago. At first they got along GREAT! But then my vindictive ex stepped up her parental alienation brainwashing of them. I think she may have calmed down, but the effects on my children, along with their own childish games, along with my new wife's parenting styles, along with mine, are causing me to be very close to just chucking EVERYONE and moving to another state...
My son is 19 and has met my new wife 3 times, once bad, the last 2 times he was courteous. They dont like to be together though, and as my son is an adult now he has little time for me.
My daughters are now 12 and 8... and are playing their age-related head games. I see it and am trying to curb and end this at every turn that I can see(sometimes it can be hard to see these things as the Dad). My new wife is a bit more gruff than I am though emotionally and in how she interacts with my daughters. But with her daughters its a different story, she SHOWS them through action how much she loves them. She feels that I am undercutting her in relation to my daughters, but she does not see that as the adult she has to always SHOW them that she loves them through action(which I see as an "childishness vs. adult issue on my wife's part), not expect THEM to make the first move toward her(which she sees as a "respect" issue...)
By the way, I only get to see my daughters every week once for 2 hours for dinner out, and every other weekend, and every other holiday, so my new wife doesn't get exposed to them often, while in the last 2 years 3 of her daughters and 4 of (her) our grand-kids have lived with us over a year total, although at different times...
The stress of all of them constantly taking out their frustrations with each other on me is taking an un-healthy toll on me. Im anxious before my visitation weekends with my daughters, I am losing weight, and feel like I have to constantly stand between them while they are together to prevent my wife from being annoyed or my daughters from being 'gruff-ed', my wife doesn't seem to me to show her love to them as she does her own daughters...
don't know what to do anymore. What the heck do I do?!
It's sad to say, but just
It's sad to say, but just because your wife loves you, doesn't mean she's going to love your kids. All you can do is love your kids enough for the both of you. If your wife is annoyed by them, then do your girls and your wife a favor, and exclude your wife from your visitation time as much as possible. Don't make a big deal about it, in fact don't even mention it. If you normally ask her to join you for dinner, don't. Let her know you are planning to take the girls to XXXXX for dinner, and you'l be home later. On the weekends you have your girls, plan on some father daughter time. The relationship between them can't be forced, it has to come naturally.
I appreciate you comment. I
I appreciate you comment. I cant afford to take MY kids somewhere else during visitation, meanwhile one of her adult daughters and her 2 kids live here and stress me out because they dont do much to help out around here, and they arent very neat, I am. This is also my wife's home solely. She bought it while we were dating and I later moved in with her. So I see this as 'I have to take my kids somewhere else because you arent acting like an adult but yours get to live here and I can like it or lump it?' I DO however love her kids and grandkids and see them as my own and DO NOT withhold love or affection from them, even though their being here causes me stress.
And as far as the inviting her to do things with us... she says she wants me to take them somewhere else and basically have nothing to do with them, but then gets upset when I dont invite her to do things with us... It is sounding more and more like a control issue to me. What are your thoughts on this...
I'm starting to wonder if
I'm starting to wonder if their is some type of unknown virus going around with ex-wives. Look at all the same things going on!
Do they have some secret manual given out to them that we never see or something and where can I find it?
Being on the other side of
Being on the other side of your situation I know that my DH has unrealistic expectations of how my relationship with his DD, my SD should be. He thinks I should treat her like my own, which I would like to do when and if that ever feels natural.
However she is very influenced by her BM and is not very welcoming to me. In fact she totally ignores me whenever possible. She does the minimal interaction when he is present so he doesn't understand. He claims to not see it. He seems oblivious to the eye rolls, the shoulder shrugs of indifference, the comments mumbled under her breath.
I dont' know what your wife considers 'respect' issues but I know in my situation I feel a child should address adults when they enter the house, the car whereever they are. I feel it's 'disrespectful' to almost whisper a conversation toward her father when in my presence just to exclude others from it.
I disagree that it would help to have your wife 'show them how much she loves them'. If they are being influenced from their mom who displaying parental alienation tactics it could prove to be that anything your wife does to try to win them over will just push them further away.
I think you would benefit more from taking a stand to stand with your wife and support her in your life. Your children need to know that she is important to you also. My DH is very passive when dealing with his DD and never asserts himself as her parent. I know it's out of fear that she will turn away from him and cut him out of her life, but that same passive behavior enables her to continue treating me as I'm not even worthy of getting to know.
I dont' think you can force a relationship with a child. I don't think it's fair to say that 'she the adult and needs to take the first step'. I'm guessing she's done that over and over and been rejected. How much rejection do you think she should put herself out there for? And maybe that's not the case, I'm just projecting my own frustrations here.
And maybe she doesn't 'love' your children. She didn't give birth to them, she didn't bond with them, they are not her dna. That kind of emotion takes time and effort from both ends. Your children have to be open even to having her love them. Maybe it's exepecting too much to think she needs to.
My DH and I also have quite different parenting styles. He is the funny, silly, always have fun kind of parent. I am not. I enforce rules, expect respect, and try to teach manners. I am not interested in being their friend. He is much more lax than I.
I also am in stark contract to the BM, who over praises and gushes constantly over SD. In my life, SD is not the center of the universe and I don't treat her as such. And for that she thinks I am mean. And I suppose in comparison to her parents I am.
I think it would be a mistake to try to separate your life with your children from that with your wife. But that's just my opinion.
While it's very difficult, I think it's important to not try to compare your situation with your children with her's and her children. They obviously are very different and both have very different outside influences. I find myself sometimes tallying up the his and mine scores and it doesn't help. It helps me more to remind myself that each interaction/situation needs to be handled based on it's own unique set of variables.
Just some thoughts for you.
She can't feel the same way
She can't feel the same way about your daughters that she feels about her own. It's unfair of you to expect it. It is very possible to love someone, without loving their kids.
Do you love your wives
Do you love your wives daughters EXACTLY the same way as you do your own? Hmmm...I doubt it. You know why? Because if you did, you would be thinking this... "what a nightmare, everyone is at each other's throat...but at the end of the day, I would loose 5 children and get to stay in contact with 3...and that's just too hard...I will stay, put up with it and deal with it because WHY would I trade 5 kids that I love, for peace with 3 kids that I love...not to mention I'd lose my wife?" And you are NOT saying that. You are saying, "my wife doesn't show them the same love, blah, blah, blah...and if not, I will just leave...and lose those 5 kids and the wife, and move ahead with my 3 kids..." wow! you'd rather lose 6 people you love, as much as you love the other 3? That doesn't make sense. That's the problem...men not only think we should, but demand and put a ridiculous amount of pressure on women to show the same love for their kids, to love them the same, blah, blah, blah...
Does your wife do the same to you? Nope. Doubt it. You see, as a man, you are probably not as affectionate as her, therefore, she, nor society expect you to be hugging and kissing your skids the same as yours...they see it as "they're not his kids, he shouldn't get too close especially to the girls..." But with your wife? You get the drift.
Your kids cannot choose YOUR mate unless they sign a paper that YOU will choose theirs. The whole "but they didn't choose this person as their other parent" also is worthless because really, my mom and dad were not the greatest...there are MANY adults I wish I had as parents...I didn't get to choose my mom and dad and they are still together. Somehow, kids of divorce are given by SOME the ability to CHOOSE their parents and sparents...nope.
Good luck, remember, one of your kids who is 19 already doesn't have much time for you...then it will be your other kids who won't have time, but THEY would have CHOSEN YOUR WIFE...guess what? You will be alone and they will move on with their families...and if you ever dare tell them "nope, I don't like your fiancee, you should not marry them...they will move on and resent you anyway..." So really think about what you are expecting of your wife and what you are allowing your kids to do...
Good luck.
I agree with hippiegirl. You
I agree with hippiegirl. You can't expect your wife to love your daughters just because they are your daughters. I have 2 Sds and I don't treat either one of them as my kid. The elder one is not my husband's biological child and he has been stricter with her and she is a sweet heart. Though I don't treat her as mine, I do like her a lot and she and I go out together - just the two of us. We like each other and like spending time with each other even without her father. BUT I have never treated her as a daughter and she actually likes having an adult who isn't a parent with whom she can discuss things like safe sex and boys etc.
The second SD is my husband's biological daughter and right from day one, she could do nothing wrong in his eyes. Whenever I have sent her to her room because she did something she wasn't supposed to, my husband would let her out of it, when she wants something and I have said no, she will go and get her father to let her do it. Now she is a drug addict, a shop lifter, a binge-purger etc. Suddenly her father and mother clamped down when they found drug use and she just couldn't handle it.
It could be that your wife can see your kids in a more objective manner than you can. Use that in a positive way. Also, think about whether you treat her kids as your own.....