You are here

Fed Up and Bio-Mom is Too

FedUpStepdad85's picture

I'm new here, but not so new to stepparenting. I am married to my wife, together we have two of our own biological daughters, ages 2 and 4. My wife has three children from previous relationships. Two girls, ages 19 and 13, and one boy, age 11. I've been their stepfather for probably 6 years now and had nothing but problems with the stepchildren. Her stepson is the biggest problem at age 11 and has been since I met him. He's stolen stuff from our landlord in the past and caused us to get evicted from a house. He has a problem with showing his genitals to his siblings thinking it's funny. He steals from kids at school, he steals from his mom and I. He's hit his mom out of frustration. He constantly lies to both of us. He's probably the worst kid I've ever met in my life. His older biological sisters also have a bad habit of lying to us, and breaking things in our house and hiding them saying "oh it went missing." I wasn't the best child, to be honest, but I did know how to lie and not get caught, so when I'm being lied to I can tell immediately, my wife, on the other hand, can't lie to save her own skin and can't tell when she's being lied to. I got home this evening and I about lost all patience and my temper because last week I caught my stepson on hidden camera beating my dog for no reason, also on that camera I caught my stepson and middle stepdaughter (the oldest no longer lives with us) arguing about a chair being broken. When I asked them about it they both lied to me, three separate times, saying, "we were just playing pretend." So I get home from a friend's house with my two biological daughters, my stepchildren were with their mom (my wife), so I decide I'm going to go take a look around in their rooms and see where they broke my grandfather's chair. I look in the closet and there it is, broken in half and barely held together. Of course, it being my dead grandfathers chair I'm livid, then I get to looking around and the light switches and outlets in their rooms are broken in half and there's a hole in the door and the wall. So I take a picture and send it to my wife. Normally I wouldn't be so bothered by this, but they've been doing this to every house we've lived in. I just bought this house last September with my inheritance. I spent every dime I had moving our family 1,200 miles to our new house because we got kicked out of the last house we were in because they wouldn't stop destroying everything. Six years I've put up with this BS and my wife doesn't discipline them, doesn't know what to do, she's had to send her son away to family twice because he almost burned our last house down burning matches in the garage next to a gas can. He's back with us again and still doing the same stuff. I'm done with it because I've tried being nice, I've tried being mean, I've given out butt whooping, and they still lie, steal, and trash our house, and my wife doesn't know what to do, she can't send them to live with family because nobody wants them around. Grandparents can't stand em, the biological father doesn't want them, they have burned every chance anyone has ever given them. My wife's only proposal for a solution is to take them and move out and get a divorce. Which would financially cripple me because I'm disabled and can't work unless it's work from home. I love my wife but her kids have done nothing but cause us problems for the last 6 years. Marital problems, financial problems, evictions, police visits, calls from school. I'm so fed up with it that the smallest incident happens and I'm ready to put my fist through a wall. I'm also tired of it because my two daughters see their behavior every day and think it's acceptable, and they see me pissed off and at my wits end every day because I've dealt with it for 6 years, day in and day out while my wife just sits there shrugging her shoulders and not attempting to correct their behavior. I hate it, I don't sleep at night, I have high blood pressure, I'm practically a ticking timebomb and I don't know what to do. I don't think anyone does at this point. I'm stuck paying for a house I can't afford by myself and with a wife who's only solution to fix her unruly kids is to get a divorce.

JRI's picture

I agree you have a serious problem.  Your SS is dangerous.  I think the animal abuse is the worst sign.  My first concern would be the safety of the 2 and 4 year old daughters being around him.  Is there someplace safe you can take them for awhile?  I'd make an appointment with a lawyer to see what can be done to remove your wife and her kids from your home.  I dont usually advise people to split up but i cant see an alternative for you.  Everybody is in danger there, including you, the high nlood pressure if nothing else.  Please don't delay.


FedUpStepdad85's picture

Thank you for your response. He's a part of the reason why I can't take jobs that I'm able to do. My wife works 6 days a week and I can't trust her son around my dog or my daughters. I've had to install surveillance cameras inside my house like it's a prison because he can't be trusted. Even his older sister doesn't trust him around them. He's done nothing but cause problems. My wife wants him gone, and tells him to run away because she knows his behavior is ruining our marriage. I don't know. He was living with a family member in California, but he got caught stealing from her and was abusive towards her as well and my wife had to drive all the way out there to pick him up during the start of the COVID lockdowns because of it. She dreaded it too because for the first time in our marriage we actually went 6 months without fighting over disciplining her kids. He and his sister (13) are both from the same father, and when the two of them get together they cause nothing but trouble. Separate them, and she's perfectly fine, very responsible, respectful, and he's just always trouble. The two of them together though they have no sense of right or wrong, don't show any respect for their mom and I've never once been shown any respect from any of her kids under any circumstances. I've been tossing around the idea of divorce but I would have to give up my house because I can't afford it, and probably move to my dad's in Missouri or to my brothers back in California.

JRI's picture

I think you need to speak to someone familiar with the law which is why i suggest the attorney.  Other people on this site are much more knowledgeable about legal matters.  Let's see what they say once people wake up.  I'm concerned if you just went to the police at this point, they might say they can do nothing.  This sounds like family law.

BethAnne's picture

You have a wife problem not a step son problem.

Your wife is not a good parent and that is what is ruining your marriage. She is irresponsible, disrespectful to you and a BAD parent. 

Who tells their 11 year old child to run away?? 

She has never disiplined the children, she allows them to disrespect you, she seems to not have sought professional help to deal with your ss's issues, she passes her child off to which ever relative will take him rather than dealing with him herself. 

Talk to a divorce lawyer and see what your options are. 

ESMOD's picture

You do have a wife problem for sure..  and while you say you have tried being nice.. mean.."butt whooping".. that isn't the solution.  The children need consistent parenting.. and they likely need some mental health counseling.  They would also appear to need better supervision.  

What good is it to see the destruction or the animal abuse after the fact?  Why isn't there a competent adult present to supervise children who have proven they are not able to moderate their behavior?

Your wife definitely has a bad read on this too.. in what way does she think it is helpful to tell her son to "run away"?  to allow you to physically lay hands on a child?  

Divorce is a possibility.. you may not be able to afford THIS home.. but you could sell.. move to a more modest home BUT... remember, your wife will likely have custody time with your small children.. and you won't be there to protect them and it sounds like she is not likely to protect them.

It sounds like you do need to seek professional help with the son.. who knows.. maybe he has some issue that might warrant some social services assistance?  

And.. figure out how to supervise those kids.. it may be that you won't be able to go out while their mom is at work.. you aren't able to work outside the home.. and I am not saying it's your "job" to babysit her kids.. but it is your responsibility to make sure your dog, home and children aren't hurt.

FedUpStepdad85's picture

Sorry if this comes across as mean and insensitive but who are you to insult my competence as a parent? My two youngest daughters are very well taken care of and supervised, I work from home out of my office and have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old I have to constantly tend to while I work. When I was 6 I was able to cook and do laundry unsupervised, by age 12 my mom could trust me to be at home alone for up to a week. I was self-sufficient and I was also abused by my stepfather from age 4 to 15 when they finally divorced and my mother got tired of his drinking and abuse. I grew up in a home where if you talked back to an adult or had an attitude you got slapped or beaten. My stepson has hit his mom, his sisters, played with his penis in front of them, and a bunch of other things I'm not going to take the time to mention. So sorry I'm not one of those passive parents that stands idly and watches it. Do I condone child abuse? No, not at all. Do I think some children need a butt-kicking? Hell yes. You're 11 years old and you punch your four-year-old sister because she won't leave you alone, or start masturbating in front of your 13-year-old sister and think it's funny, you deserve to get slapped. So don't sit here and insinuate that my children don't have a competent parent to supervise them! NOT YOUR PLACE TO DO SO! MY kids are more than well-taken care of and supervised very well. So don't pass judgment on me because you read one post and think you know the full spectrum of circumstances in my household. 

tog redux's picture

Good Lord, your wife is an atrocious parent. She tells her son to run away because she can't deal with him anymore? How can you respect her at all?

First off, rehome your dog. He deserves better.

Second, call the police on these hooligans when they break stuff. Seek services through "the system" for troubled kids. Press charges on him (if you can, police avoid that with minors) in order to get him into the juvenile justice system. Get therapists/psychiatrists involved.

Third, divorce this woman and fight like hell for full custody before she ruins your two kids too.

FedUpStepdad85's picture

Thank you, my dog is fine. It's when I have to leave to do shopping that he's not okay. Normally, he goes shopping with me but with 100 degree weather a German Shepard sitting in the heat could kill him. This is why I've put up cameras throughout the house that I can watch remotely while I'm out shopping. I have a nephew who's my older brothers stepson who has these same behaviors and he's currently sitting in prison, which is exactly where my stepson is going to end up if he doesn't figure out how to clean up his act. My wife and I are currently not speaking to one another and I'm juggling the idea of divorce but that's a whole other headache I'm not sure I'm ready to take on just yet, with custody battles and such. Thank you for your suggestions though, except the dog, our dog is my oldest daughters and would have a meltdown if we ever got rid of him.