My Boyfriend's Ex Girlfriends!! How do I Deal with it?!?
For starters I live with my boyfriend of 3years and we are considering getting engaged and married within the next year. We have a 2 beautiful Little girls. The oldest being 5 and lives her with her mother in a different state. We do not see her, because her father was unable to see her in the past, but are hoping to start getting vesitation within the next year. The mother speaks with my boyfriend over the phone now and has for the past 2 years. That is some of the background. My boyfriend and I Also dated when i was 16 ( the ex was pregnant at this time) He soon Left me for her ( understandable consideering they were about to have a child). My boyfriend calls her once a week to check on his daughter, and thats fine! What i have trouble dealing with now is the fact that she won't even let him speak with his daughter he has to just talk to her, And they talk for about 30+ minutes at a time! I am very uneasy about her because he has left me for her once. She has texted him 3 times this week "claiming it was to talk about insurance. But when i looked at the text messages I saw " I'm going to workout ;)... I'll text you later, Hope you have a great night!! :-D" ( Winky faces and all) The next issue I have is the fact that I have sat down with him and asked him to keep their conversations appropriate, and to please talk to her on the phone in front of me and stop leaving the room. Well that was about 2 months ago. The Past 4 or 5 weeks he has stopped talking to her infront of me. He even ignored her phone call one day and then txted her saying " i'm leaving the house now, Call you in a sec." I get really upset by all of this!! In another instance my boyfriend got his number changed, and he told her because another woman he didn't want to talk to wouldn't stop calling. She replied " It's because your simply irresistable ;)." This all bothers me very much!! I get so upset when I try to talk to him about this because he thinks im just jealous, and I have nothing to worry about. He also has told me that he will be her friend and I won't stop them from being friends. I am so hurt by all of this. He has cheated on me in the past, and i'm insecure for that reason. I don't know how much more of this i can take! Advice please!!!
Seems very shady!!! I doubt
Seems very shady!!! I doubt things will change unless he is committed to you and cares about how you feel and makes appropriate changes to make you feel at ease. Looks like he just blows you off! I don't think you are asking for anything unreasonable. If he wants to be married to you, this is what he needs to to. Sounds like he has boundary issues. I would seriously reevaluate marrying this person. I don't think you will feel secure and stable with this man given his behavior and the past (I wouldn't) but I do think he deserves the chance to make things right. Communicate openly, get counseling if you need to. It seriously took a few sessions with counseling for my husband to "get it" because apparently I wasn't communicating effectively (though i thought i was). Since then, he has had the chance to make things right and he has stepped up....but if he hadn't...that's a red flag that he isn't dedicated and devoted to the marriage. The point is, do what it takes and if it doesn't work, you know if your heart you did what you possibly could. If he isn't willing be help in the process, then you have your answer.
i get so angry when men
i get so angry when men confuse anger at being disrespected with jealousy. huge difference. you can be pissed off that bf is disrespecting you by having these suspicious texts and calls with his ex without it meaning you are jealous. jealousy is when you don't even want him talking to her in front of you about their kid. i would make it very clear to him that not allowing yourself to be walked on does not equal jealousy, and he better get his head out of his ass if he expects you to marry him.
Thanks for the Adivce. It is
Thanks for the Adivce. It is so hard to communicate with him sometimes, especially about her. He even texted her the night of the world series to " give her crap" because our team was beating her. I got really upset and he said i had no reason to be upset. I am really offended that he doesn't seem to take my feelings into consideration. It just seems like he worrys about her and her feelings over mine! I have even tried to talk with his ex. I have sent his daughter numerous gifts including hairbows i just made for her. and he says she said to thank me for them but when i read the messages all I saw was him saying i sent yu her valentines day stuff, and she said ok thanks. I honestly think that she does not consider my feelings at all!! and she has a boyfriend too whom she lives with!! I am so frustrated at this point. When i talk to him he makes me almost feel like im in the wrong for getting upset, and feeling like i do!!
Stuck33- I feel like he does
Stuck33- I feel like he does have boundary issues, and he wont set any with her. The only 1 he has set is he says they dont and wont talk inappropriately. also when i found the message about him being simply irresistable and confronted him about it he said shes just joking!! i no waht she meant. I explain it was still hurtful and crossing that boundary. He doesnt understand that. If the shoe was on the other foot im sure he would feel my frustrations!
Bi- I never thought to
Bi- I never thought to explain jealousy like that... you are totally right. He is sooo strong headed that i can't make him understand how i am feeling. And when i talk to him about this stuff it's like i should stop worrying and jsut accept it because theres nothnig wrong with what they are doing.
would he think there was
would he think there was nothing wrong with it if you were so friendly with an ex? probably not. but he'll use the excuse of having a kid with her for why it's ok in his instance. asshole.
I think he would be mad if i
I think he would be mad if i had the same kind of relationship with an ex. And I Understand that they do have a child together, and have to communicate, but does it have to be joking and playful? He has said time and time again I am who he wants. Well if I am the one he wants shouldn't he stand up for what i want and my wishes. Am i in the wrong in any of this?
Sounds like hes keeping her
Sounds like hes keeping her on the hook to me. Thats may be his mo. Go with your gut. i agree with stuck33. I would not marry him. He sounds like a player to me. Sorry
I just communicated with him
I just communicated with him about my concerns. He is ready and willing to help me feel more at ease about this. He and I are going to write down a list of terms and things that are reasonable and will satisfy both of us. any other suggestions to make this easy on both him and me.