My boyfriend and son do not get along anymore
My boyfriend and 18 year old son do not get along anymore.
My boyfriend of 11 years recently moved in to my house,( previously,circumstances meant that we didn't move in together.) When me and my boyfriend decided to finally move in together,i asked my son, if he was ok with it,which he was absolutely fine with it.So this is the issue,my boyfriend and my 18 year old son,from a previous relationship,always got along,yes,they have never been really close,but as long as they got on.my son returned home from uni for the summer in May,he will be going back to uni in September,to live in halls again.my son is the typical 18 year old,stays in his bedroom all the time,only coming downstairs for food and drink. Anyway everything was OK at first,however I came home from work one day,when my boyfriend was on annual leave for the week from work,anyway my boyfriend said that he had to have a word with my son,because my boyfriend had been in the kitchen making a coffee for himself,when my son came into the kitchen,and wanted to get something out of the cuboard where my boyfriend was standing in front of.,my son just opened the cuboard,without saying excuse me,or even waiting until my boyfriend had finished making a coffee,my boyfriend,felt like he had to say something to my son,about his behaviour,a few days later something similar happened..my boyfriend told me then that he didnt like my son anymore,for how my son behaved towards my boyfriend.now my boyfriend and son,do not speak.even to the point that my boyfriend will leave a room if my son enters the same room.however now it has been brought to my attention from my sister,that my son has said to her, about the situation and that he feels awkward/tense when he comes downstairs,( i wasnt aware my son felt like that,because my son hasnt said anything to me at all about the issue/situation.I can feel this awkwardness,and I feel stuck in the middle.i want my son to be happy,but also my boyfriend to be happy too.i want to try and sit them both down to try to resolve this,but firstly I don't know how to bring it up,or what to say,so to try to keep things calm.because I do not want the worst case scenario to happen,in that, I get them both to sit down,but then for an argument to happen,and either my boyfriend walks out on the relationship,or my son to resent me,I do not want either of those to happen. What do I do.
Do nothing is always an option. However, doing nothing changes
nothing.
So, what do you want? For nothing to change, or for both of these supposed me to grow up?
Your DS is rude. You need to jerk a knot in his tail for that.
Your BF is a baby. Not sure if you can fix that. Or why you would want to try. Your DS is 18 and has more growing up to do. With your guidance and continued parenting, he may be fine.
Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to parent and raise your partner?
Your DS basically walked into
Your DS basically walked into a room and ignored your BF, then forced him to stop what he was doing so that DS could get whatever it was he wanted out of the cupboard. Is that right? Does your son not have basic manners?
I don't think your BF was wrong for speaking up about the rude behavior. But declaring that "I don't like him anymore" sounds childish. Neither of them speaking to the other is also childish.
So, exactly what do you think you are in the middle of? Two immature men it sounds like to me. No thanks.
it sounds like your son doesn
it sounds like your son doesn't have very good manners tbh. You say excuse me. You say hello when you come in the room.. you act like a normal social human vs just silently going over and opening a door under someone who is actively doing something in that space.
Your BF likely isn't just mad about THIS situation.. but probably long term where your son has been unwelcoming and unsocially acceptable to him multiple times and this coffee incident he doesn't want to let pass.
What to do to fix it?
You explain to your son that being rude in your home to your BF is not tolerated.. you thought you raised someone with better manners and you expect for him to apologize to your BF for acting so poorly and he will promise to do better.
You tell your BF that if your son apologizes for his behavior and promises to do better, you expect HIM to be open to a better opinion of him.. and will treat him nicely as well.
otherwise? your son is 18.. he will be out of the house soon.. just hold your breath.. or BF moves out until your son is done coming home.
Why are you so sure the son
Why are you so sure the son is the problem and the boyfriend is a completely innocent bystander? None of us, including the OP, know what their interactions have been when she isn't around. The boyfriend may be a total ass to the son, or went overboard on being the "alpha". I realize this is a site for stepparents, the kids are not always the problem.
I guess it's possible that
I guess it's possible that the BF is making it up.. but OP has known him for 11 years.. and this is kind of the first sign that there were issues when they started living together.. which means more close contact with her son...
Her description of her son keeping to himself in his room.. and telling her he feels awkward leans towards the boy potentially doing these thing.. and maybe just being rude because he is feeling awkward.. but it's possible that the BF is doing things to make it worse.
My thoughts would be that she needs to specifically address the claims her BF is making on his behavior to ask if the story is correct.. the fact that she didn't mention it.. made me think perhaps her son didn't deny?
It's not out of the ordinary
It's not out of the ordinary for an 18 y/o to stay holed up in his room. Also, OP's son didn't say anything to her about feeling awkward - he said something to her sister. That tells me he isn't comfortable approaching OP about the situation and may very well think no matter what he says or feels, she'll side with her boyfriend. Based on the post, it doesn't sound like OP has approached her son so there's nothing for him to deny at this point.
It's entirely possible the boyfriend is being an overbearing jerk to the son or exaggerating what happened. Likewise, it's entirely possible the son isn't happy about sharing living space with another adult male, and is being jerk himself. I'm not going to automatically assume the son is the problem just because he's the "skid" in the situation.
You have only one side of the
You have only one side of the story. You need to ask your son what his version is. Then you need to tell both to act like adults. They don't have to have a lovefest, but they need to be polite and civil to each other.
I have to ask, though, why are you with a guy you fear would walk out on an 11-year relationship over a situation as petty as this one?
What do you expect?
having two grown men in a house. And you are going to have a big happy family ? DS been doing thing his way for 18 years. BF was living on his own, doing things his way. Two trains going full speed at each other . BF was willing to change a little for you, but not your son.
Don't know the answer. Both have to give?
Sounds like a couple of males
Sounds like a couple of males look for fight. A fight over who is the alpha male. You as alpha female need to set them straight. They can either make a truce, treat each other respectfully or they can BOTH move out.
What were the previous
What were the previous circumstances that didn't allow you and your BF to move in together for 10-ish years? Could they have any bearing on the situation?
You have 2 unrelated adult males living together, who didn't choose each other as roommates, and it sounds like neither has great social skills. That's going to be hard. They probably each feel like there's another man invading their home. If your son grew up in that house, he feels like it's "his." Your BF lived there with you until son returned, so he probably got to feeling like the man of the house.
Maybe start be reminding your BF that your son is progressing in his education, and will only be staying there on breaks until he graduates. Being supportive now might help your son to become self-supporting sooner. Find out what specific behaviors bother him and see if your son can make some adjustments.
As far as your son, ask him what specific behaviors bother him from your BF. Specific, not "general attitude or feeling" type things. If they are reasonable, ask your BF if he can make some *temporary* adjustments. Keep reminding him that the goal is getting your son independent. Also, does your son have a job or a place he goes during the day? If he's in the house 24/7, that will make it a lot harder for your BF to deal.
Remember, you love being with your son. You love being with your BF. They don't feel the same way about each other and it would be unusual if they did.
My OSD used to do this to me.
My OSD used to do this to me. I'd be cooking or in the kitchen doing something, she'd come in and just do her thing, stepping in front of me, putting her things on the counter where I was working, walking right in front of me as I was moving to the fridge.
It was part obliviousness part rudeness. I put my foot down after some of this craziness. Told her to please wait or say "excuse me" or ASK me if she needed to get to something. Told her it was just rude to barge in front of me without a word.
Both she and YSD (YSD17 does this same thing to this day) used to never, ever move out of the way for anyone, literally anyone. Walking on the sidewalk they, as kids, would expect every single person to move for them. This translated to the home. DH and BM would never correct them. They were flummoxed when I insisted sometimes that the move out of the way of a group of people or wait for someone to get off an escaltor or somethng.
So yes, the mom has to teach her son about rudeness and the BF should learn some patience - but I have a feeling he's been patient already and other things have happened that made him start to disengage with it all. Disengagement doesn't happen overnight for one little thing.
A college student home for
A college student home for the summer is hard on everyone. After spending a school year in charge of himself, your son is back home, but it's not the home he left as there is a new adult in the house. Everyone has to learn to navigate the new situation. I remarried the year my YDS graduated from college. He was going off to graduate school in the fall. It was a summer of navigating a new living arrangement for all. It took a while, but we learned and it was much easier when he came home for breaks.
That being said, it's rude to not acknowledge someone whether it's son or SO.
You said your son stays in his room and only comes out for food or drink. He should at the very least be leaving to go out to work (or if he does not have a job out to look for one).