Issue with BM overstepping her boundaries
Hello all! I am new to this site and new to being a SM as well as a BM. I am looking for a little advice on how to handle a situation with my DH's ex, my SD6 mom. I want to st you r by s as ying I absolutely LOVE my SD and the issue is not in any way her fault and if I could have the ideal situation, I would take it. This being said, the issue is with her BM, who think that me and my DH want nothing to do with SD. We live in a small townhome, only has two bedrooms and while the main ngm is average, the second is definitely not. DH and I have been married for a year and a half and at the time of our marriage, his ex was taking him back and forth to court to fight for full custody of SD. BM and SD live 1.5 hours away and we have only been able to have SD with us for 3 days every other week. This brings us to 11 months ago, I found myself newly pregnant and DH and i were trying to figure out how the loving arrangements would go with our child and SD. Mind you, we thought about room sharing, but thought it wouldn't be fair to subject SD to constantly being woken up by their crying sibling. Like I stated at the beginning of this, if I could have a perfect situation, I would take it. We started d ed curating the second room for upcoming child, while still making SD feel very wanted and treating her to special things often. She didnt have the room with her stuff in it for 3 years before her HB was announced and did not mention it, which I know is NOT the point. We are in the process and have been, for the past 6 months, of purchasing a home with a minimum of 3 bedrooms, so both children have their own rooms and their own space. My issue is that DH's ex sentence a message stating I need to take my and DH's son out of the room, as well as his stuff, put him in a bassinet and give her DD her room back. I understand that she feels that her D does jot have any room and I agree completely, jut as I also stated earlier, we get her 3 days a month, with it being a maximum of 8 possible days if there is a break. Should I just keep myself out of it and advise her to speak to DH in this matter or is there any way to make the lo iving situation better for all involved? I know I will probably receive comments on how unfair it is and that I am a horrible person and I know the situation is a really crappy one to be in and that's why I looking for some words of wisdom. I appreciate all words as well as criticism and shame on me's. Thank you all so much for advice 
No room sharing
You and DH are right to use the room as a nursery. SD is only there every other weekend I assume, DS/DD will be there every day. I would set up an area in the living room, with a small nightstand or trunk when she stays, or a cot or rollaway bed in the nursery. I would get a bassinet for your room for the baby, and consider keeping the baby in your room when she is there overnight. Full siblings exhibit jealousy and can harm an infant or small child and this little girl has expressed jealousy and resentment already. To be clear, you’re not wrong, but she is only 6, and she feels displaced and jealous. Keeping the baby with you when she visits is probably safest anyway. My former 12 year old SS let my 6 month old roll off of a kitchen table “by accident.” By the grace of God, she was fine, and is now 9 yrs old.
Much thanks
Thank you! Yes, I do have a bassinet, which I do use when she visits because I am afraid she would get so upset if she were woken, that she may strike her brother or possibly try to smother him to stop him from crying. She does display some love for him, but mostly annoyance and I'm taking all precautions. Thank you so much for understanding:-D
Where the heck is dad in all
Where the heck is dad in all of the this drama???? He needs to shut BM down ASAP. BM gets no say in how you live in your home. If she wants that level of intrusion, then it goes both ways and HE gets to direct BM in her home. We know that won't fly of course.
He needs to stop pussy footing round with BM, tell her that they are not together anymore, he is still the father and is perfectly capable of figuring out parenting things without her help. If you keep entertaining her intrusions, she will keep at it. Stay out of it and let him handle her. She is his baggage and if he cares and loves you and your family, this should be a no brainer for him.
As for the children, you keep them safe how ever it works in your home for now. Dad should parent SD into loving her sibiling, not buying into hate, (where it that coming from by the way? BM most likely)
Bottom line, OP you keep your child safe, Daddy parents and handles BM and all this drama. Once you get your house, you give the child with you the most the biggest room. Don't let BM or SD have the power in your home. Never give that away.
Couldn't agree more!
I agree that my husband should be the only one who handles and deals with his ex. She flat out sent me a message st as ting I need to be supportive of their daughter and her need for her own personal space, which I h I d then told my husband that it bugged me and he need to d to do somet bu ing. I am sure it slipped his mind, but as of now I have made it abundantly clear that she has mo o say in what goes on in our household, as long as their daughter is fed, b as ther, clothed and is safe, there is nothing else that she should be a decider in. I will still continue to love my SD as my own, but all parenting g and issues with her mom will be dealt with by her dad. Thank you for you advice and wisdom, I GREATLY appreciate it!!
Don't even talk to BM about
Don't even talk to BM about anything in your home. PERIOD! This applies to you and it applies to DH. BM will of course mine information from the Skid, but a 6yo is not the most reliable of accurate data sources on the planet.
When you get the new house, this entire discussion is a mute point.
Primary resident children get priority on room space over part timers. This isn't anything more or less than basic logic and common sense. A kid visiting 3days per month gets what is available in a manner that makes them as comfortable as possible without interfering or displacing any of the full timers in the mix.
BM is an ass. Let her keep hanging her ass out and smack her about the head and shoulders with the CO when she steps of of line.
The key take away..... BM gets no say in what goes on in your home.
She is BM now blocked
I have her blocked on my phone, so unless she gets a new number, I won't be hearing from her. BM and SD state that SD was first and that should mean she should always have a bedroom available to her, in a perfect world, she would have one. I forgot to add in the first post that, while I love my SD, she has ZERO respect towards me and always has an attitude when I ask her simple th iu ngs and when she responds, she screams the answ er rs to me, thus waking her brother who starts crying she then says I need to keep him quiet because she 'cant hear herself think'or 'cant hear the TV' of only BM knew I keep her DD fed, clothed, bathed, in a clean bed and as comfortable as possible. There are moments I want to snap and say 'hey brat, your brother started crying because YOU felt the need to scream things at me, but I hold my tongue b ed cause I love her and her father. One can hope this situation gets better
Nope, you don't give any 6yo
Nope, you don't give any 6yo any power to control the environment, especially a skid at 6. You are the adult and you remain the adult, even when she is left with you. Now you can control what comes out of your mouth when you correct her while teaching her how to behave around you. If daddy won't give you the power to discipline and control the envioroment, then he can take care of you the whole time she is over. She is 6, not 16. Give her something to respect and daddy MUST have your back. If he doesn't or refused to, then total disengagement from parenting her is your only resource left.
The marriage needs to be paramount and the kids a responsibilty for the adults. Any other way just invites chaos into your home.
BM tried to do that to our home. I had 3 bios of my own at the time and ran a tight ship. She tried so hard to mess with it. Don't let her.
That little shit would be
That little shit would be living a life of abject misery in my home. Screaming at me... I would smack her with the back of my fingers across the lips, grab her ear, give it a twist, march her to a blind corner and plant her nose there to hold up the intersecting walls for hours on end until I go tired. Lippy words.... same result... and if she continues I would start turning her over my knee and lighting her lippy ass up to a nice rosey red sting.
Hope in one hand and shit in the other and tell me which one fills up first. Her behavior is shit and you need to take direct escalatingly unpleasant age appropriate disciplinary action. Once the level of abject misery reaches the propper level... her behavior will change.
Light her ass up.
And love has absolutely nothing to do with this. It is about her chosing to violate standards of reasonable behavior.
I think about that!
Oh if I could any of those things without her BM and my DH filing 'abuse' on me, I would! In my eyes it is unacceptable to be spoken to that way, esp ed finally from a 6 year old, that type of behavior and that e as rly in life is going to get a her in a SHITLOAD of trouble. I have decided I am not going to do anything nice for her, such as gifts or anything seeing as she disrespects me and has jo love towards me or her HB. I completely agree with you 100%!!