Am I overreacting here...honestly I don't know
Ok, so I dont know if I'm overreacting o. This, like truly, I know post partum can last up to a year after having kids and it's been 4 months since the birth of my DH and i's son...anyways, I was trying to figure out if we had received our son's SocialSecurirt csrd bnb in the mail yet and if it had been filed somewhere. I asked my DH and he says it is probably in his file box, which is where things of importance are kept. So, I just went looking for it and I see in the back of the file box, not in a labeled folder or anything, but all together is EVERY drawing and borthday/Chrisas c in rd his DD, my SD has ever made or received. Ok, cool, that normally doesnt bug me, ut... I do not see our son's SS card anywhere in the same area. U go flipping through the different labeled spots in the file folder, aa DH said it would probably be on there. I don't see it anywhere.......then I get to the LAST label which is sply 'OTHER' and where doni find our son's SS Card? Stuck in between random papers in the 'OTHER' folder. Am I overreacting by thi bbn king that his DD get her own special spot on his file folder, but yet something as portant as a SS c as rd for our son is sply stick with random stuff? I have yet to stop crying because I feel like he doesn't care about our son as much as he does about his DD. Like ou said, possible pistnpartum? Possible side and tion just pissed me off? I dont kmow of I should say to him how upset that made me or if I should just keep my mouth shut? Any thoughts? Thank you in advance for anything, even criticism on my attitutdenor reaction.
Sorry for all the typos, here
Sorry for all the typos, here is how it SHOULD READ
Ok, so I dont know if I'm overreacting on this, like truly, I know post partum can last up to a year after having kids and it's been 4 months since the birth of my DH and i's son...anyways, I was trying to figure out if we had received our son's SocialSecurirt card in the mail yet and if it had been filed somewhere. I asked my DH and he says it is probably in his file box, which is where things of importance are kept. So, I just went looking for it and I see in the back of the file box, not in a labeled folder or anything, but all together is EVERY drawing and borthday/Christmas card his DD, my SD has ever made or received. Ok, cool, that normally doesnt bug me, but... I do not see our son's SS card anywhere in the same area. I go flipping through the different labeled spots in the file folder, aa DH said it would probably be in there. I don't see it anywhere.......then I get to the LAST label which is simply 'OTHER' and where do I find our son's SS Card? Stuck in between random papers in the 'OTHER' folder. Am I overreacting by thinking that his DD gets her own special spot on his file folder, but yet something as important as a SS card for our son is simply stuck with random stuff? I have yet to stop crying because I feel like he doesn't care about our son as much as he does about his DD. Like i said, possible pistnpartum? Possible the situation just pissed me off? I dont kmow if I should say to him how upset that made me or if I should just keep my mouth shut? Any thoughts? Thank you in advance for anything, even criticism on my attitutde or reaction.
Yes, I think you are
Yes, I think you are overreacting. Your son is 4 months old, I doubt DH has even had time to think about creating a folder for him to put his very first document in.
Sounds like you have some things to work out though, regarding your feelings about SD.
I get rhat
I totally get that, but I guess my point is that her stuff has a folder, it's in the file folder, where important stuff is to go, so her stuff is in a nameless folder and our sons is in the 'other' folder, that's my point, she has her own folder, but his actual important item, his SS card is in the 'other' folder. He had time to set aside a folder for her, but yet not for our son? Just doesn't seem right, I know if it was mine, ah and I do have a fire safe one and he said he felt better having it in his. Mind you it isnt SD I have any issue with, it's the lack of importance for one child, just clarifying is all
I’m guessing SD is more than
I’m guessing SD is more than 4 months old. Lots of time to organize her stuff.
You are setting up a competition between the kids that likely only exists in your mind. Are you going to compare every thing he does for each kid? You will make yourself crazy and him, too. Do yourself a favor and don’t get in that mind set.
Over time, yes
Oh she is, she is 6, but he literally just cleaned off the fridge and cleaned out the 'junk drawer we rr'so her stuff being in a folder is a new thing, newer than since we received bbn our son's SS card, which I remember was about August and the reason i was trying to figure out where it was put cuz i hadn't seen it since. Comparing only happens when you toss something In a random folder right after getting it, but making time to get a folder for her stuff, when cleaning the drawer. Just seems like daughters always have daddy's heart the most, same with son's being bbn like momma's boys type of thing.....the context of that isnt meant in a bad way, just what I've noticed...even in my family with my mom, dad and brother LOL
I would suggest that if you
I would suggest that if you have a concern about this, have a conversation - not an attack for where he put your son's SS card, just that you are worried he will love SD more and treat her better. It's probably based on your own family dynamics growing up.
In healthy families, no one feels that they are less favored than their sibling, regardless of gender. And those "Daddy's Girl" "Mama's Boy" type relationships are not healthy in the least. My mother never favored my brother, in fact, he drove her the craziest of all of us kids, and he's the only boy. And I personally, felt closer to my mother than my father.
Don't let your own family of origin dynamics infect your new family.
I was meaning opposite LOL
Oh definitely will have a conversation, of course mo ot an attack and it was actually the opposite with my family LOL my mom and I got and still get along on a different/possibly closer level than say my brother and her, it does seem the one that drives the craziestnis the 'favired'one LOL Thank you for your insight/advice
Yes, you are overreacting.
Yes, you are overreacting.
Different perspective. I don
Different perspective. I don't think a social security card should be mixed in with drawings and art work, it would be in the other folder for me, along with everyone else's. I would be more concerned if he had actual artwork in an "other" folder while SD had her own (though hers isn't labeled so I'd assume your DH would put any art work in that folder if there were more than 1 child creating it right now).
I get where you are coming
I get where you are coming from! Let me put it this way though...
My oldest's baby book is filled out with everything, every picture in a slot, all the fill in the blank stuff in the front, it is perfect!
My youngest'ss... 1/2 way filled out with the info... a few pictures in a zip lock bag in the back. I think I did get her 1st 3 months organized... It was just that in the throws of it all, I was terrible at keeping up with the baby book with a baby and a toddler! It is in no way shape or form a demonstraition that I love one child more than the other, life is just different when the second comes. Even if this is your 1st...
Go get yourself a fire proof
Go get yourself a fire proof mini safe box and organize important papers in it (including SS# card of your baby, birth records blah blah). Put important and legal items for SD in the secure safe box . Perhaps individual large envelopes with kids name on front for easy finding when needed.
Make a file in husband's file box for new baby for Dad to store the things like cards baby will be starting to give Daddy.
Some guys are just more organized than others.
If you think there's any
If you think there's any chance you're overreacting, hit pause and don't bring this up now.
With a new baby and all that requires, you need your husband right now. You also need calm and to keep things running smoothly. You need to be your best for your son and part of that is maintaining calm with your husband and your own head.
Even if this is as egregious as it appears to you now, it's not that bad. He's not out running around with other women or abusive to your son. Keep it in perspective: it's a file folder -- nothing more.
If in several weeks it's still bugging you, you can always bring it up then. By then you might have completely forgotten about this. At the very least, you'll probably be able to bring it up with a calmer head so it doesn't spiral into a fight. But right now, even you are questioning if it's an overreaction, so why come down on him until you know for sure? Don't unnecessarily shake the team!
Get ready! I'm going to give my speech about choosing to be happy now. You have a beautiful new son. This is a great new beginning for all of you. Choose to focus on that. Choose to let this go (with the option to raise it later) and focus on what's really important. Is he a good dad? Is he a good husband? That's what's really important here, not a file folder.
If you can't let it go, ask him to please setup a file folder for your son so his imporant papers are easily accessible. Don't even bring up SD's file. Your son is only four months old. Someday he might have so much of your son's stuff saved that he needs an accordian file to keep it all! But give your husband a chance to get there. And give yourself the gift of a good, happy day, not one steeped in an argument about a file folder.
There really is some truth in "don't sweat the small stuff." You have a lot to celebrate right now. Don't focus on something that might be hormones playing tricks on your mind and shaking your relationship.
My husband has that same file folder of all SD's stuff from years ago (she's 31). I don't even have kids, so sometimes it feels as if nothing he and I have done is as important to him as what he did with another woman before me. But I shake off that feeling because it's just my mind taking me somewhere stupid and petty -- it's not something real. We waste precious time keeping an inventory of who has more than us, and someone else will always have more. But there's also all those people who have much less that we never think about...for example, SD doesn't have the luxury of having both her parents under one roof in a loving relationship.
So don't keep score. Just look at what you have and make the most of it. Appreciate it. Make the most of these days because they go quickly.
I agree with marblefawn to
I agree with marblefawn to wait and see how you feel in a couple weeks. I believe in speaking up and expressing how you feel to your partner but you want to find the best approach. Right now your hormones are still high and you don't want any negativity around you right now. Enjoy your little baby.
While I understand your
While I understand your frustration I do think that you are over reacting. Your DS is 4mos old. He will get his own slot in DH's folder. Give it a little time.
Many SParents who are new BPs with their spouse struggle with what you are currently struggling with.
Most reference not having all of the "firsts" with your SO. I believe that you and DH will have firsts that neither BM nor the Skids ever have had with your DH. These firsts will be between you, your DH and your son.
Deep breaths, try to filter the PPD with your intellect to calm your reactions to these types of things.
Take care of you and congrats to you and dad on the new baby.
100% overreacting probably
100% overreacting probably due to sleep deprivation and hormones, I promise you. Is there anything else he does that makes you feel he loves his son less than his daughter? I didn’t see anything in your post or comments.
This is so minor. He is possibly organizing her stuff as a way to feel close to her again. A new baby brings a bit of separation between bio parents and their kids because they take so much time and attention.
My DH and I have a 1 year old and he’s got his 6 year old daughter living with us. I encourage him to spend one on one time with her because I know they’re both missing it.
Legitimate
I know EXACTLY how you feel. Over the past year (since I’ve had my daughter) I’ve ripped DH apart with comparisons of how he cares/loves more about SS than our daughter. Some have been very true and some have been major overreactions. I don’t want to say you’re over reacting because the truth is you feel this way and it needs to be talked about. I remember my therapist trying to talk me through the fact that men form a relationship a lot slower and differently with a new baby than we do. Then I became obsessed with finding out how he treated his son as a new baby and finding ways he still preferred him over her. It still eats me up and consumes my mind and DH has become a lot closer to our daughter in the past year. I try to look at his side and understand that he has had 5 times the amount of time spent with his son. And I think for men being around and bonding plays a large role in their relationship. It still makes me sad that I feel like our daughter has had to “earn” her love while it’s so easy and natural for me to have it towards her. I have prayed that her first word is dad and that she prefers him and becomes a daddy’s girl because I desperately want him to love her. I just want you to know I know exactly where you’re coming from. The truth is most likely it was somewhat “accidental” but also that he may have preference for his daughter for whatever reasons (I know it hurts). I would talk to him about it and one thing I’ve learned is let your true emotions come out. Cry! I always let my hurt turn to anger and that hasn’t helped anything. Good luck!