I walked out and don't want to go back
I'm writing this from a hotel room where I'm staying while my 2 teen SS (12 & 16) are at my house. My DD is 9 and my DS is 6 months. This is a long time coming...
While we were dating for 3 years my DH kept me at arms length from his kids. He said he wanted to make sure we were serious first. He was a regular part of my DD's life from about 7 months into our relationship, but I respected that he wanted more time for his kids. I spent time with them for the first time when we'd been together a year. It was never than dinner with them 1x a month, if that. I was not included in any family stuff. Again, he said he wanted to wait. I begged him to give me the chance to get to know them and bond with them. He finally got an ultimatum after we were engaged and he invited my DD and I to come to a party for oldest SS and see his out of town family. I was excited for the party but when the day came, he didn't answer his phone and when I finally got in touch with him, he said they didn't end up doing that. Then I found out they DID have a celebration, they just uninvited DD and me but he didn't have the decency to tell me. He just let me call and call asking what was up with the party. So the ultimatum was that we weren't getting married in 4 months unless he made a HUGE effort. I told him it was absurd to think we could all move in together and live together when he felt like 4 months away from the big day, 3 yrs into the relationship, was still too soon to integrate our families. He apologized and started having us come for dinner and spend time together. Shortly before the wedding, I was told FOR THE FIRST TIME that he'd been keeping it a secret that his kids were telling their mom b.s. stories and throwing fits about their dad being in a relationship for the 3 years. I was SHOCKED. I didn't know what to do. Stupid me married him anyway hoping with his support we could make it better.
7 years later (4 married) my 2 SS have made life HELL for me and my DD and DH. In 7 years, they've never told anyone happy birthday, thank you, or their dad happy father's day--but their birthdays must be huge events and if they so much as stump a toe, we're expected to stop what we're doing and fawn over them. They are selfish, hateful, entitled brats. BM has made our lives hell by telling kids b.s. like don't eat the food in our house because they'll get sick, don't go outside because we live by child molesters, we should buy them whatever they want whenever they want or we're terrible, I'm an awful person (though she's never even had a conversation with me and she's the one who cheated and left DH). She has encouraged 2 SS who are much bigger and older than DD to bully her and mistreat her which is especially sad because she loves them so much and looks up to them. They don't even acknowledge their baby half brother. He's invisible. Over the years there's been stealing and destruction of our property out of a tantrum for not getting their way. They make up horrendous stories. They started while we were engaged apparently telling BM that DH always had his hand up my shirt or down my pants in front of them--even though we never so much as held hands in front of them. She'd harrass us with the info, bitching out DH for weeks at a time via text/email. Then they started saying I watch them sleep, flirt with them, give DH oral sex in front of them and on and on. Truly sick lies that could have cost me custody of DD, my job, everything. She uses it as an excuse to try to get more $ out of DH and they use it to get their way. She rewards them at home for telling such lies. If DH or I say anything to them about lying or stealing or misbehaving, they run and make up a story to their mom and refuse to come for visits for weeks at a time. This sounds great, except my husband then misses them so much he refuses to believe lies that are obviously lies (like when they say they received none of his texts) and refuses to discipline them or even talk to them about their lies and disrespect of me or him for fear they'll disappear another several weeks. I'm supposed to act happy to see them despite the horrible things they tell their mom about me and despite the fact that they don't even acknowledge my presence in the room. I've started to retreat to my room or otherwise disengage because its so hurtful. DH doesn't get why I can't just play along and take it. I've hit my limit. This is like the Twilight zone where they all pretend this messed up toxic stuff is normal.
I don't want another divorce, but here I am in a hotel for the weekend while they're at my house. I've been constructively kicked out of my own home so they can be there and pretend the last batch of disrespect and lies didn't occur without my reminder it did (and btw, BM bought oldest a car as a reward for the last stunt he pulled). I told DH I was leaving until the morning because I can't handle one more second of pretending only to have a false story come back to torture us another several weeks. His response was "Bye!" and that he gets why I want to get away. Like it was no big deal.
Do I have another choice besides a second divorce that will tear DD apart and now affect yet another child, DS? My heart is so broken but I'm so sick of being the door mat and after 7 years of this I'm really starting to hate his kids.
"Do I have another choice
"Do I have another choice besides a second divorce that will tear DD apart and now affect yet another child, DS?"
Yes, live apart for awhile, get marital counseling and personal counseling for yourself from a differnt counselor. Have him pay spousal maintenance and child support. If he makes an effort then it may be woth another chance, time will tell.
If your husband says he
If your husband says he understands why you'd want to get away, then he'll have no reason not to be onboard with family counseling. He'll have no reason not to attend all sessions and really work toward making things better for you. (I realize he might have a thousand reasons, but don't let him pull that on you. He MUST work on this or he's in for some big changes.)
If you've hit the wall so bad that you left, it's time to bring in a third party to referee this mess.
You might try going to a therapist alone first -- to be sure you don't get some idiot telling your husband that YOU'RE the one who needs to try harder. There are a lot of lousy therapists!
Your story is familiar -- my husband also avoided bringing SD and me together until I pushed it after we got engaged. I kept saying, "Don't you think we ought to spend a meal together, a day together with SD if we're going to get married?" I think he knew SD would bulk and be the problem she is. I think he knew deep down that she was lying when she assured him how happy she was that he was getting married. SD repeatedly cancelled dinners when I wanted to get to know her and my husband believed every excuse she gave him.
Don't think about divorce right now. That will only make you more anxious. You're sitting in a hotel all alone at your wits end. Now's not the time take such big leaps. Just focus on the fix.
All is not lost. We got some useful help at therapy. Yours is a more difficult situation and it sounds as if you really hit your bottom. Go to therapy alone, try to build your strength to start this process (therapy is not a quick solution, but you can get some quick relief if your husband is willing to make changes). If it's a good therapist, you'll get some direction. It also just feels really good to let it all spill out.
Hang in there. I can imagine how bad you must feel right now. My mom said one thing in her life that was useful to me: things will look better in the morning. I find they sometimes do after a night's rest.
Great advice. Thank you. I'm
Great advice. Thank you. I'm contacting a therapist first thing Monday.
Thats crazy!
If the mom's that twisted surely the kids are completely messed up. Wow. Super sad.
Look, you made a mistake by
Look, you made a mistake by marrying an abject waste of skin failure of a parent then thinking he would be different if you had a child together. Do you think that keeping your DD and DS entwined in the escapades of your DH and his shallow and polluted gene pool is a good idea?
I understand that your DS is also your waste of [arental skin DH's child... however... no child should be forced to spend his entire childhood with this asshole and his toxic elder crotch nuggets.
So why are you forcing your kids to be there with the toxic people while you are hiding in a hotel?
You getting all of the therapy in the world will not change your husband of his toxic spawn. While seeing a therapist I would also be seeing an attorney. The Skids are old enough that you will get a pile of CS for your DS when yiour DH's elder prior relationship crotch nuggets age out from under the CO.
I would be seeking to minimize the exposure of your own children to this trainwreck as much as possible. This has the added bonus of you moving on and away from this nightmare.
Good luck.
You made the right choice
I have my own blended family woes but your situation is very similar to what my sister has gone through with hers. Her situation shows that if unchecked the situation will get worse and become a huge safety risk to you and your children. With my sister her DH's ex is absolutely a toxic person and messes with the kids' heads very badly, yet the skids are older now, see the truth about their mom, and DH is supportive. It didn't use to be this way. The oldest SS was the worst by far. He would call my sister all sorts of names, act out, be mean to siblings, tell lies, manipulate everyone around into believing my sister was the worst person in the world and horribly abused him. The SS manipulated a neighborhood and their church into believing my sister was out to get him. His dad would still look the other way, call her a liar, defend him with excuses like saying he has been through so much, we just need to show him more love, and tell my sister she needs to be more understanding of him. Then one day while DH was in the shower connected to their bedroom SS walked right in. My sister reminded him he wasn't allowed in their bedroom. Then SS lost it and attacked her. DH heard something and came out to see his son attacking his wife and yelling all sorts of horrible things. DH got a rude awakening but at least he was now awake. He threw his son out of the house. The police showed up because SS went to hospital claiming my sister had attacked him and hit him on the head. They looked at my sister and compared it to what the hospital said about SS's injuries and quickly concluded his wounds were from attacking and my sister's were defense wounds. The officer also talked to the younger kids (this is the saddest part) by themselves with permission. Turns out the oldest had told his younger brother to be mean to their step-brother (my sister's DS) or else he would beat him up everyday.
Their situation has slowly improved and even the oldest SS is starting to act mature and respectful. What I'm basically saying though IMO, is with a BM like that and a permissive DH is absolute trouble and you need to protect your kids. They may have possibly gone through more trauma than anyone realizes. Leaving the situation is the right move.