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Not even his BD

Miss_Understood's picture

My SO has a SD10 (sort of) of his own. She is not my SO's biological child but he has raised her since she was a toddler. SO has always introduced and completely considers her as his own. Things between SD10 and myself were difficult to say the least. She ease dropped, spied, lied and caused as much trouble as possible, conspiring with or manipulated by BM the entire time.
We didn't miss a step and she didn't get away with anything. She had rules and they stuck no matter how bad she got. SO and I would come up with different conclusions and ideas to make things better but nothing really worked. Finally she would hate coming here and although SD10 seemed happy she would go home to BM and tell another story; she was effected by being here and would upset herself.
SO and I decided to give her an ultimatum. She would either stay and change her behavior and attitude and we would be able to work it out with her or she could leave and think about what she was missing and come back after 6 months still needing to change her behavior and attitude. She was fine with leaving and coming back. She was actually doing really good with it. She would still talk to SO on the phone and tell him everything that was new with herself but right afterwards BM would rant and rave about inaccurate things to do with SO and SD10.
Soon enough the phone calls stopped all together. She just turned 10 earlier this month and she wouldn't even talk to SO so he could wish her happy b-day. SD10 is either in the shower or not at home and doesn't return his calls. SO asked BM what was up with SD10 and she casually said nothing about it. SO thinks the entire situation is BM's hateful nature keeping them apart.
My thing is SD10 isn't his BD. She doesn't care about us but he continues to count her like she's here and wants us to pretend she's going to want to come back again. I don't want another fight but I feel like telling him to get the hint she doesn't want anything to do with us. I am happy with the way things are, my BD my 2 Skids and the 1 on the way. Just want to let the time pass but what if she does want to come back? I don't want to raise that child. Things were so bad with her I don't want that again. Just wanna read some "What do you think?'s".


caregiver1127's picture

Plain and Simple you need to protect your own family and if this 10 year old who is not even DH's wants nothing to do with you he needs to accept that and move on. If this is going to cause a rift in the family if she comes back then you need to put your foot down and protect your family - it looks like she does not want to have anything to do with him anyway - if he allows her back and she reverts back to the same behavior then an ultimatium needs to be given to DH - his family or her his choice - it should be a simple one for him. He is not a member of big brother/big sister and really that is all he is in her life - especially legally so while it will be hard and he probably thinks he failed somewhere he needs to let go.

Cdngirl's picture

I was in a very similar situation. My DH had adopted his ex wife's 2 previous children from 2 different men. The oldest was 7 and the youngest was 2. Then DH and ex had a child together. When DH and I got together oldest 14 at the time didn't have much to do with DH, the odd call or what not. I met the boy once. The youngest at the time we got together was 11 and theirs together was 5.
Anyways after about a year or so and calling the 11 year old on her behaviour she choose not to come over. My favorite was when she said she wasn't coming over anymore because she didn't feel welcomed by me. This was after I had bought her a new dress for our wedding, rented her and her friend a hotel room for the night (supervised by my cousin) for our wedding and much more. She was becoming a manipulative teen constantly asking DH for money and when he wouldn't give her any her famous saying was "well I was going to come visit but I guess I won't now." Finally DH just had enough. I have not seen her now for 2 years and I told DH that I don't want to until she apologizes (skipped alot of stuff) however I won't interfer with what ever type of relationship that he wants to have with her. Needless to say she has never come back into our lives. She is now 16 living with her bio dad far, far away and I don't really know what type of relationship DH has with her anymore.

SteppingUp's picture

This is like a flash-forward into the future for me. If you've read my previous blogs, I'm in the same situation, just 5 years behind you. SD5 was raised by my fiance since she was an infant -- however, she HAS a biological father who's also in the picture (every other weekend visitation).

I COMPLETELY see your side. I feel that we are nearing the point where SD needs to be allowed to make a decision about whether she wants to come to our house "automatically" with her younger brother (my fiance's son with BM) or if she'd like to simply ask permission to come spend a night at our house occassionally.

I think that if SD is old enough to understand that situation and make her own decisions about it, let her. You can't stifle the relationship between your H and SD10 as it will just get worse, rather than better. If she is the one resisting the relationship then I'd say let her go...and continue to try to be in contact with her (as your H has done) but don't stress so much about it. As she gets older and more rebellious against her own mother, she might actually come "back" to you both as an emotional support system. She'll grow, mature, and see that your H has tried to be there for her throughout her life even though he wasn't obligated to. If it's in SD's hands she will hopefully see that she is the one who made the decision to back out on her relationship with H, and hopefully never think that he backed out on her. I think the most important thing is to make her feel that she is still welcome at your house (with the same rules/expectations you've always had) and that you love her, but will let her make her own choice.

hbell0428's picture

Not being a bio kid is tough. Does she know?? I have a daughter who has been with my honey since she was 6months old; she has absolutely no idea he is not her daddy. Her BF has never come around, called or made the effort to. Bonds are very strong; she is almost 12 now; I would hate to think that if we ever split - he would drop her.(Not saying this is YOUR situation at all) It all depends what all the circumstances are. We have since had 2 kids together and we have SD13 full time; I am waiting for the day she spills the beans (her BM filled her in on all this of course!!) It will break my daughter's heart and his...
But, if she doesn't want anything to do with you guys; then I would let her B - and if she comes around on her own then fine but if not then it's her decision...
Good Luck; hope you find your answers.......