I really need help...
I am not sure where to start as this is such a very long story but here goes... I met dh in 2004. I was ss's preschool teacher. We hit it off right away and fell deeply in love. Everybody warned me not to get involved with someone who has children already. dh has two children from a previous relationship (at the time they were 3 and 5. Both are boys and are very active... one more so than the other. You know what they say about love being blind so of course I ignored all the warnings and moved in with him and his family. Things have always been hard. Especially when we lived with his family. Since the begining my youngest ss has had behavioral and emotional issues. Very destructive and disobediant but not with his father and I. Mostly with his dh's parents and at school. I used to have to leave work to get him from school when he wasn't listening etc. Anyway eventually we moved out of his parents home and bought a townhouse a few towns over. Things were still the same but it was nice because we had dh's parents close by and they would help out a lot. Fast forward to today and we have moved an hour away to try and gives the kids a better life. A yard etc. I now have a 19 month old son. Things are just getting worse.
Youngest ss has just gotten sooo much worse. He doesn't do his homework or he forgets it, he steals food and a couple other small items, he is sent to the office at school daily, he comes home with things he is "trading" for but I am just not sure if he is stealing. I have no clue what to do. I need support so bad. I am a stay at home mom and dad works an hour away. I bring the kids to school and I am here for them when they get home. I am done babysitting this kid. Searching his room etc. I wanna be happy and take care of my son. Anyway, he told his dad last night that someone at school told him he can do whatever he wants because we cant't do anything to him. WTF!
I told dh I can't do it anymore. Now I am gonna lose my husband over this. I have no job, no car, no support... HELP!!! How can I make my marriage work????
Oh man, sounds like you feel
Oh man, sounds like you feel so trapped honey! But don't worry - we ALL do at one time or another!
If you love your guy I would step back and focus on making it work instead of pulling away.
Okay, that skiddo needs some therapy ( maybe a different medication if he's on one, different therapist, etc.)and possibly an after school program (or to join a team, tutor, ROTC)to give you 2 less one-on-one time while the dad is at work. These behavioral issues usually stem from deeper issues and hurt...
I have found when I use all those "i feel" statements and start my complaints off with "i think we need a new plan so we can make this situation work better for all of us" I get farther with my guy.
With my skids I keep my requests simple and never punish them - they will ALL ALWAYS resent that coming from a step parent. I ask nicely, I don't have too many rules, and I remind them I'm not the parent, but I just need alittle help from the whole family to make everything run smoothly. Might sound "doormat-ish" but it isn't, it's all in how you say it. And at the end of the day I make sure this stepmamma has a glass of wine, a show, a good book, whatever, for reward and some intimate time with my man. Because having this man in MY life is something I want for ME. And I won't let any skids or a crazy old bat of an ex wife take that away.
Because you have a baby I bet you need more support and quiet time than most...can you guys work on getting a cheap 2nd car or join a group of other mom's? Always make sure there is something to reward and support you in all this mess....and it will turn around. xoxo
Thank you for being so
Thank you for being so positive. I do really love my husband and want to makes things work. Especially for my son.
Yes... he is 10. And I agree
Yes... he is 10. And I agree about the job. I just want to be home for my son during the day and I want to spend time with dh at night so it is hard. I think it would be good for me though. A few days a week at least.
The sad thing is that we have already done all of that stuff. I went in his room after he had been punished for getting in trouble at school. He still had everything in his room but wasn't to watch tv or play video games. I found some else's ds hooked up under his bed with like 30 of someone else's games, million candy wrappers and he broke all his trophies. Weirdo.
We took everything out of his room but his books. It's awful.
bm takes the boys every other
bm takes the boys every other weekend from Saturday after the oldest boys baseball game (that she does not attend) at about 6 and drops the off Sunday morning at 11.
I am not looking forward to the teen years at all
You know, even though the
You know, even though the teen years are stressful because of anxiety on the parents' part and rebellion on the teen's part, it can also be the most rewarding. SS15 and I have really gotten good at conmmunicating about issues. If I can come to him calmly and not let him be a martyr, he is very smart. He's good at coming up with logical solutions and FINALLY can help me figure out what to do about his dad and his brother sometimes. I think SPs are very important to our SOs during this time because we can be a buffer that is an outside onlooker (if we don't try to take over). Be encouraged! The teen years can be a great time. I recommend the boodk "Age of Opportunity". Great help with teens.
Has your SS been evaluated?
Has your SS been evaluated? It sounds like he might have issues that are more than behavior related. My son has ADHD and ODD. Both are behavior related and after he was diagnosed it was a relief to know that there was actually a REASON for his behavior. We got him in a behavior modification class and now 7 years later he is completely mainstreamed. He goes to HS next year. I'd find out if there is something wrong, it may give you the answers you seek.
He has been evaluated by his
He has been evaluated by his pedi and we filled out all those forms and the teachers did as well and they said he was fine. We are in the process of doing it again but is there someone else I should look into talking to?
Another thing that has been
Another thing that has been helpful for my marriage is when I feel that I can't take the skids anymore, I let my husband know that I'm feeling tired and that we need a date, just the two of us. I also let him know that I will be withdrawing for a few hours from the family. I have a great DH that is willing to take care of those things as long as I communicate calmly and with no raising my voice.