You are here

i need help...

countrycharms2's picture

Hello, I am new here, and I hope you all can guide me. I guess i begin at, I have been dating a man with 2 children, and I have 1 child. His are 6, & 2 and mine is 3 1/2. We have been dating about 6 months, and have run the gammit of the future, life, etc... I am in love with him, and him with me.

I guess this may sound insane, but due to distance issues, I have not met his children yet. I am too meet them soon. He met my daughter after 1 1/2 months of dating, and has been around her regular now. The relationship is very hard. I constantly feel I am referring between them. My daughters father has been a very destructive force in her life, and has limited contact. He hasnt paid support in god knows when, in and out of jail. We divorced almost 2 years ago.

My boyfriend has sort of taken on the other parent role, although all discipline is left to me. Yet, his "version" of dicipline is very diffrent. My daughter has only had me, mostly in her life, and never had to share. She really dislikes my boyfriend. Sometiems we have great days, and great outings. Others, she wont even look, speak, totally ignores him. He compares alot to his daughter. How "she" would never back talk, never this, never that, on and on... and how you must teach them "respect" now. Sometiems he will ask her something, and she just looks at him. Wont answer. About school (daycare)- he says its disrespectful. I should Make her answer. Or her apologies arent "heartfelt" - well dang, she is 3 i tell him, what do you expect?

Anyways, his ex wife has the kids, and he gets them every other weekend. He pays over 1K for two kids... and is faithful with calling, basically a good parent to his children. She doesnt work. She calls all hours of the day and night. Needing this or that, money, or he needs to do this or that. He bought her car, paid for her to get in an apt. doctors, this that.. everything... he comlained to me and I made the HORRIBLE mistake, of saying how "sorry" she was, and was using those kids as a pawn.

Oh god, I was berated one side and down the next. "its none of my business what he gives to his kids, its not for her, its for them" - If he could get them, he would, but he works out of town, and its not feasible at this point. If I have a problem with it, then we need to split up. I was just dumbfounded. I tried to tell him, it wasnt that he took care of them, its how badly she does him and them. talks badly to the kids about him... its on and on...

I guess I made the big mistake. Are we not supposed to say anything? I am having other doubts also. He buys my daughter stuff, but then acts resentful, (i dont ask) or guilty or soemthing.

Have any of you experienced this?
thank you

Chocoholic's picture

Sounds like he may feel guilty after buying something for your daughter because he wants to do the same for his daughter and can't. He likely feels guilty and sad about the lack of time that he spends with his children (not that its his choice).

However his response to your input was a big no no.... If he is going to complain to you then he can listen to what you have to say... if he doesn't want your opinion then don't complain!

Honestly, he sounds really immature and I would do some serious soul searching before proceeding in this relationship.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda

Riley's picture

Okay, the guy got divorced for a reason and it sounds like you may have just discovered one of those reasons. If he's going to blow up, overreact to a response from you, what next? Get persnickity about buying your daughter presents? Oh wait, that's already happened.

Sounds like you two may need to sit down and start that discussion about expectations and boundaries. What you both expect from each other as mates, as parents, as confidents. If he can't do that, then another red flag and you might want to reconsider this road you're headed on.

Remember there is a reverse on cars for a reason. Sometimes we make a wrong turn and reversing is easier before you get too far down the road. Otherwise you keep looking and looking for that special U-turn area, and it comes up too fast and you pass it and you look for the next one and you miss it...and before you know it, you're in Bum F**k Egypt rubbing on sunblock SPF 150, scrambling for some shade, only to find it's taken by skids. So you let them have it, but take one of their hats for protection and go get a cool drink from their dad.

Talk to him and see how he responds.