I kind of hate my step kid
Before I go any further, I want to make it very very clear that literally saying I hate a 9 year old is terrible. I feel terrible about it. I've had panic attacks over how bad I feel. But God help me, I CANNOT shake it.
For background - I moved in with my current DH over 4 years ago. We married in 2019. We have SS every Thursday and every other weekend. The kid comes from a family (on his mom's side) that are incredible enabling and entitled. Lets just say...4 months into his first marriage, Husband was planning his divorce...and she got pregnant.
Ok so...this kid refused to wipe himself until the age of 4. He was potty trained, but would literally step out and just wait for someone to do it for him. That is still his current life motivation - someone else will do it for me. Thankfully, I brought it to my DH's attention and that stopped real quick.
Recently- and by recently I mean the last 2 years...SS has been increasingly violent and vindictive. We've spoken to therapists and they even said play therapy won't help. In one incident he got up in the middle of the night LIT STUFF ON FIRE in the garage, stabbed my bio-son's phone with a knife, destroyed the living room and PEED ALL OVER THE WALLS. Oh, and when he is midly upset or wants something- rather than use any form of actual communication- he likes to throw things (pillows, phones, Xbox consoles) down the stairs to make a point. Oh and if he is left alone in the kitchen he'll throw knives and dishes. I had to go out and buy new dishes and bowls to keep him from ruining any more of my vintage stuff. By the way, the Corelle dishes do indeed break..and when they do, like if they're thrown at a window for example- they shatter and you'll be sweeping up tiny ceramic shards for months. Just an FYI there. To top all of that wonderful stuff, he can go from being absolutely rude and antisocial to being this weird charming kid. When I say charming, I mean in the Ted Bundy kind of way.
Sorry, but the kid just creeps me out. I finally told Husband about how I was concerned he may have something else going on with him other than "adjusting to a blended family." But because of the way the custody is arranged and SS bio-mom's complete apathy toward not only Husband, but her own child...therapy and diagnosis is almost out of the questions. Which honestly does make me sad for him, because he clearly needs some kind of professional help.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Our marriage is great. Our lives are great. But it is like the entire world stops when SS is here bc all of us are just holding our breath waiting for the next outburst. I can't even look at him anymore without being totally creeped out or filled with in inexplicable seathing rage. Although I've found that Gin and cheap wine helps. But I can't lean on that forever.
I'm. Just. So. Tired.
There is NOTHING that would
There is NOTHING that would keep me in that house. There is not enough alcohol in the world. If your husband isn't doing, and supposedly can't do, anything to "fix" this kid, you need to exit. This is a scary situation. How can your marriage or your life be great when one day a week and every other weekend a violent, dangerous kid who sounds like he has serious mental issues descends upon you? You mention a bio-son. Do you actually have your own kids in the house with SS? How is that right, or safe? You owe your kids a peaceful home. What you've described frightens me. Seriously, get out. Live apart from your husband until he gets his son some serious help.
I came to say exactly all of
I came to say exactly all of this.
Hell effing no.
I feel bad for your bio the most.
That kid is a future serial killer
That kid is a future serial killer. You are not safe. You can live in separate households and still date your DH.
Blink twice if you want us to call the authorities.
This sounds really dangerous
This sounds really dangerous and unsafe for you and your kids. You cannot fix this kid or his problems, but you can keep you and your kids safe - consider moving out when he is there or have your DH seem the kid in a different setting that is not your home.
I don't have much advice
I don't have much advice besides stop feeling guilty and hating yourself. Only in today's screwed-up child-obsessed society would you hate yourself for having negative feelings toward someone who acts that way. You aren't a bad person for feeling the way you do.
This kid needs intensive
This kid needs intensive psychiatric help (there is not much evidence behind play therapy, by the way). Either he's been traumatized or he has conduct disorder.
But if your DH won't fight to get him help (including by calling CPS on BM for refusing to do so), then all you can do is protect yourself and get out.
Nothing a paddle or belt to
Nothing a paddle or belt to his bare ass won't take care of.
Lather..... rinse..... repeat until the kid either pulls his head out or daddy steps up and actually parents.
smh
Well this has been fun
After reading through all these posts and stuff, I'm assuming my marriage is probably gonna end soon. My wife said she hates my son and that there's nothing to change her mind. It's my fault for bringing him into the marriage. Should've never remarried. All that did was fuck her life up.
And.......
What about your kid's behavior is driving your wife detesting your son?
Her opinion of your son is driven by something.
What is it?
Well
He's a 8 year old boy. He does the typical boy stuff. He isn't a devil like a lot of the others say their step kids are. If he steps out of line, I whoop his ass. She's just pissed because I'm not home all of the time. I'm a drill instructor in the military so I'm constantly gone from the house. The biggest thing that I have an issue with is the unequal punishments. Her daughter can do the same stuff as my son, but my son will have the more extreme punishment and it pisses me off. Before you ask, yes we've talked about this and she said she doesn't care, he's not her son. I'm at a point where I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. She's always in a shitty mood when he's around. When I get home, she's in a shitty mood because I'm home. I'm trying my goddamned best to make shit workout, but I can't seem to a fucking thing right.
Just a thought ...
Does he still come over for visitation even if you are not there? If so, start by putting a stop to that. If you are not there then he shouldn't be there either.
Yep. Visitation is for your
Yep. Visitation is for your son to spend time with YOU, not the house and certainly not your wife (ecclusively).
Who said
Who said anything about visitation? I have custody of him.
So does most of the childcare
So does most of the childcare for your son fall on your wife? If so that may be a reason for her resentment.
Yea she does mostly
Yea she does mostly everything. When I'm home I do my share but it's not enough.
Your wife sounds like a
Your wife sounds like a narcissistic selfish bitch. Just saying. God bless you and thank you for your service
I appreciate it
Hey thanks but I wasn't posting for the attention. I just needed to put that in there so some of the context could be understood. She usually isn't like this. I really don't understand what changed
With that additional
With that additional information... it is pretty clear that your DW has no interest in being married to you. Deliver on her desires, get her out of your house, and you and your son get on with life with she and her daughter gone.
Thanks for your service by the way. What you do is stressful as it is. You don't need a mate who detracts from your life.
Sadly there are SParents who marry for their own self interest and not to create a life with an equity life partner. Your wife has told you she doesn't care about your child, is focused on her own child, and makes it clear that your presence is not desired.
Get on with life.
Taking a do-over is not a bad thing and is not even necessarily a failure if the partner is not delivering on their end of the equity life partnership. In blended marriages that includes being as accepting of your kid as you are of hers.
Idealy there are clearly structured standards of kid behavior and performance that are enforced by the adults. By your description of your DW's inconsistent application of consequences between her daughter and your son... that isn't the case.
Some things are not salvageable. Don't tolerate misery in your life if there is little to zero chance your DW will ever step up to be your equity life partner.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
How is he at school? What do
How is he at school? What do the teachers say about him? What about the rest of the family, what do they say about him? Or is he only this awful in your home?
Kid sounds like he's already
Kid sounds like he's already a narcissist. Serial killers start out by setting fires and torturing small animals. Just saying. I'd be afraid to sleep in the same house and would be putting locks on the doors to keep this future psychopath kid from being able to get in while me or my kids were sleeping. This child sounds like hes never got a spanking or discipline ever. Could be a butt whooping might line him out. Or mental help. His behavior is totally abnormal. God bless you, I feel for your situation