I feel your pain. I joined this site today looking for answers to the problems I am having with my 24 year old stepson who moved in with us 6 mos. ago. My husband and I love each other very much, too. We do not want to end our marriage and the thought of doing so is a heartbreaking thought for both of us. HOWEVER, my husbands guilt over his child is winning. It sounds like there may be a bit of guilt involved in your husbands decision making ability as well. It's hard to do, but you're going to have to lay down the law in your home and tolerate ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Set rules and consequences for breaking those rules. If the piss poor behavior from the teenage son continues, find other accommodations for him. Even if that means he has to go live with his alcoholic mother. He may see that his life wasn't so bad in your house. Make sure everyone involved understands what you will not tolerate. The way I see it in my own situation......IF the love my husband has for me and his family is true and strong, then he will stop enabling his son to continue doing things that disrupt our family life. When stepchildren move back into your house, they need to understand that it is a PRIVILEGE to share the home with their family and certain behaviors will not be tolerated. PERIOD. I put my foot down today. Literally, 2 hours ago. Also, tell your husband that you both stand together in the parental role and that he cannot back down on anything that you both have decided to do together as parents to these children. Good Luck.

I have a ss who is 15 also and 2 bs ages 14 and 17. We have ss15 full time, he never sees is bm anymore due to her being an alchy as well. He and his older brother still blame bm for their problems and I tell dh to stop using bm as a crutch for current behaviors. I tell my bs the same, not to us my ex, their father as a crutch for themselves. I also feel like throwing in the towel about once a month. There are days wen I literally don't want to come home from work and my skin crawls when ss15 is in the same room as me. I draw on my reserves when I feel like this and am wondering how long my reserves will last - hopefully til ss15 moves out. I love my dh with all my heart too. The only thing that really honestly helps in our case is that dh supports me (as best he can since he's a male) and he gets my feelings. He always asks me to just "be nice, he will move out at 18". My dh wants to be kid free so badly so I KNOW we will not have any adult skids living with us. I tink your ONLY recourse is to have your DH on your side and have him discipline more agressively. It's hard, but open communication is KEY. Oh and by the way the ages 14 - about 17 are the worst years for teen boys. Hang in there...

Does the kid respond to punishment or not? That to me is the barometer of whether it's enough or not. If he's still acting out while car is gone or after it's returned, then it's obviously not an impact. So while you may not suggest to your DH that he does "x, y,z" as discipline, you can ask him questions that'll make him think. For example, "Have you seen any improvement in his grades, attitude, behavior, since your last punishment?" "Do you think he's responding to your efforts?" "Are there any plans to address the drug use?" This makes HIM think of whether it really is or not effective. You wouldn't believe the number of parents who think punishing is the punishment even when they get no results! Asking him does not undermine his parenting nor does it put you in a position of arguing with him for 'telling him how to parent'. It's simply asking him questions that make him think about his actions so he can decide on a different course if necessary. This empowers him and protects you (unless he's an unreasonable ass who doesn't even want to be questioned).

Now if there IS improvement in the behaviors, then it's enough to take the car away. Granted, bad teen attitudes are one thing but DRUGS are a whole different category and no punishment trumps addiction. He has a life model who's an addict in his BM and he lives there half the time so that adds to any battle you have since whatever discipline is done, is only done half the time as I doubt the Addict is big on Co-Parenting. For any hope at all of turning this around, whatever disciplinary actions he takes should be coupled with some kind of treatment program that BOTH parents are required to participate in. This is not a Stepkid issue-this is a FAMILY issue. So DH and BM need to seek treatment options and go in as a team to work it out. Your role then becomes supporting the efforts of DH, not managing them.

If they don't do Drug Counseling and DH cannot come up with any effective discipline (if what he does does not work) then I suggest you consider a separation... It's no joke living with addicts, especially teenage ones who lie, steal and can get you in trouble because HE is a truant. Sometimes love just ain't enough. I hope DH steps up to the plate.