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I actually Hate my stepson!!

madmum's picture

AaaaHhhhhhhhh I am so mad my 12 year old stepson is so rude, hateful and disrespectful. I actually hate him! Sad

everton569's picture

I really am with you on this...I don't care what anyone says it is flaming so difficult being a step parent..I am so low at the moment I have had to leave the home that I pay for. The reason, I have had years and years of answering back, bad moods, Bad mannered, made to feel embarrassed and much much more. On sunday, aftetr 12 years of crap, I saw red mist and went for my 16 year old step son. My wife stopped me but the anger I felt was unbelievable. I can not go back into the house again, as I know that I will feel the same...His mother has never let me discipline him ever. I am angry hurt and disappointed with my wife not supporting me EVER when it comes to my step son...I am at a loss. What do I do

3familiesIn1's picture

I don't hate my stepson. He is 6 almost 7. But I have come to terms that I don't like him. My mom had been telling me to find one good thing about him and concentrate on that. I can't. I have tried and tried.

People say he is cute - he looks like a male BM to me. People who have been around him more than to just see his picture have nothing nice to say about him so no help there.

I have tried. I have tried to like his laugh - I don't - I have tried to see where he is nice to SD12, BD12 or BD8 - he isn't. I have tried to see him make DH happy - he doesn't - he is hurtful, mean, disrepectful and out for only himself - and my goodness, he is only 7 (next month).

All I can do is try not to imagine how he is going to be in a handful more years. I am beside myself that I dislike him - everything about him, from his hair to his face to his attitude, to his laugh to his voice to him being in the same space as me.

When he calls my name I cringe. I actually pause for a split second so I can compose my voice to say, yes? or what?

My mom also told me to hug him once a day - HUG??? I can't bring myself to pat him on the head - I can't touch him I have so much dislike for him. Its very sad and a little shameful to admit.

wrongchoices's picture

Oh dear!! It could have been me writing this post.. I cringe too. I have 2 of them SS10 and SS12. They are loud, spoilt, stroppy dirty and disrispectful. I can't find anything I like about them other than the sound of the door closed behind them when they live. Then I start breathing again.
Mind you I am very disappointed with myself for feeling all of this. But how do you fight it, really?? I think I should be the one moving on with another life, but I lack the courage. Aaaaahhhh I feel so lost!!!

everton569's picture

I have recently left the family home because I can not continue with my stepsons behaviour,his attidude and contant answering back..I simply can not deal with it anymore. I have been shit on from a great height and a house that I pay for, he sits in it laughing that he has his mummy...He is 16 and I have been with him since he was 5. He has NO dad, just me. His mother has never had my back at all. I am gutted that I wont see my beautiful wife again, but again, when I think about my stepson, I cringe at the thought of him in my life...Its hard but move out, as he will only get worse

Who would have thought's picture

I definitely feel your pain; I can't stomach the sight of my stepson. Just looking at him makes me angry to the my core! And OMG when he's sitting there with that freaking smirk on his face after he knows he's caused yet another issue between my husband and me, I just want to hurt him. I am at the point right now that I refuse to do anything for this child. He has a medical issue which has (in the past) caused me to leave work or miss work to care for him. When this child had to lie to his BM about who picked him up from school, I told my husband from that day forward if anything happens to him, he and the BM better hope and pray one of them is near. I will call 911 but I will not transport him nor will I EVER leave my job or take another day off to care for this ungrateful, disrespectful, little demon. I have known my husband for 20+ years and this is the second marriage for both of us. I thought I had "regained" the man of my dreams. My dream is now a "REOCCURRING NIGHTMARE". Freddie Kruger ain't got nothing on this situation!!!!! My husband and I are at constant odds with each other because I am very angry that he refuses to see my points of view, refuses to believe that this child is rude, disrespectful, ill-mannered and he doesn't exhibit a desire to fix our marriage. This situation with this boy is literally draining what little life is left in this marriage and ALL of my energy. My daily routine is to barricade myself in our bedroom to avoid any contact with or sight of this child! Even when I do that, my skin crawls when I simply here his voice. I find myself rolling my eyes or just looking into space thinking, "Why me"? I just don't like this child and would be better off if he just went to his mother's house on a permanent basis! As it stands right now, we have him three out of four weeks of the month. This is EXHAUSTING, physically and mentally draining!! I am so ready to walk away from this foolishness!

fedup13's picture

I sympathize with you and read a lot of things that I could have typed myself. I finally had to put my foot down and tell DH that his kid is not to be here unless he is. He goes to MIL's house when DH has to work, and when skid is here, I do the same, I stay in my room, but just seethe with anger, because here I am a grown woman shut away in my room in MY OWN DAMN HOUSE!! Hearing him thru the walls just makes me want to puke. I am a bitch for this of course, no one says anything to my face, in laws I mean, but I know they all think I am awful because I don't let him stay with me when DH is gone, but I DO NOT CARE. It was this or my sanity and I am trying my damndest to make this marriage work in spite of all that has happened to me as a result of it.

amelie2013's picture

Thanks for writing that. I have come to the realization that I don't like my partners youngest child at all. Glad to see that I am not the only one who doesn't like the kids we are forced to live with. I suppose it was my fault. I loved my partner and saw that he needed a place to live so less than a year after meeting I let him live with me. I let his two kids have a bedroom each in my house so lost a spare room and my office. This is what has me the most resentful. I want my office back and can't afford to extend or rent an office to see clients for a business I desperately want to start. This youngest child has been badly affected by his parents separation so I am supposed to feel sorry for him. Instead I just resent him because I want his father to realise his kids are too much for me. I am sick of their laziness, their clothes everywhere in the room I want for my office. I have nowhere left in my own house as a refuge. I had a baby last year with my partner and she got the second spare room I had. Obviously I don't mind that because she is mine and therein lies the difference. but when they aren't your kids its a different story. I admire the person who can love another woman or mans kids. Sorry for venting but I guess that's what this site is for.

everton569's picture

your Fuc-ed. That is the way I felt when my step son was that age, now he is 16 and I went for him on sunday, just had enough, now my marriage is over, I have moved out and it is ALL my fault..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE HIM

HMB's picture

Browsing the web looking for advise on my stepson and came across this and you seriously took the words from my mouth!!!

cowardtostepout's picture

I am out for words too! I think they all read my mind and are walking in my shoes right now! lol

Lulalul's picture

Oh, I feel you. I have my step children with me 24/7 all year long!!!

I have tried all for my ss to like me, then I tried to change my feelings for him... but I just can't like him.

I hear his whinnies and it makes me feel sick.

I am thinking of leaving because I am sure is his dad's fault.

He feels guilty for his kid "suffering" after the divorce, and enables him to be emotionally incompetent.

My ss is 6, and my sd is 3, I swear she is way more independent and secure, ss6 acts like a 3 year old and my husband over protects him.

I cannot change my husband. I haven't leave because I adore my sd, she is like a bio daughter to me and it would be very sad to leave.
As for my ss... I cannot be around him for the next 12 years.
And at this point, the relationship between my husband and ss makes me so sick that I have I detached from him.

RBR's picture

I love this article! Thanks for posting. The only thing i didn't understand was it said never give them a chance to be disrespectful to you, etc but my SS craps all over me whether I engage him or not. Example: watching TV,i ask my husband to stop saying a certain word. SS is sitting there and for the first time starts using the word repeatedly, even chanting it and DH does nothing. Doesn't even flinch. So do i just get up and go to my room where I spend most of my time since apparently I'm in "time out" since the kid never gets one. Or at dinner and he says something nasty to me, do I get up and leave? How do I not be abused by this brat whenI literally can't room then?

dledden's picture

I try all the time to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING about ss8 that I actually enjoy about him.....still searching....LOL....and like another poster said, I do just about EVERYTHING in my power not to EVER have to touch him! I literally buy expensive spray-on sunscreen vs. the lotion in the bottle that lasts forever because the thought of having to rub lotion on fat stepkid's big belly literally makes me feel nauseuos. Don't feel bad, we don't like our stepkids, so be it!

Newbie_step's picture

I don't actually hate him but every other week this summer has been hell for me. When DH and I were dating I really liked him but as things got ugly with the BM and my DH treating him like a five year old it's just too much for me. We have him every school day during the school year, and every other week during the summer, he is 10 almost 11. He's as tall as me and not in shape.. wouldn't really care except for the fact that when he is bored he wants to eat all the time. I mean he used to play soccer but BM complete ruin that for DH so now he's a slob. Most of the time when he's home is an actual contest to see who gets DH's attention of course I lose. I moved two hours away from my family, don't have much friends here and I feel like a damn third wheel. I am so exhausted and tired of playing the third wheel is this marriage. It's like why did he even get married? I mean he has the whole "guilty daddy" syndrome that it's sickening. I am tired of the "helicopter daddy" when he's son is with us he lays with him almost every night leaving me in our bedroom. I am tired.. lonely and frustrated. I don't hate him I mean I don't want to hate him... but it's a losers game and I am the loser. There is no affection for me if he's around....

amelie2013's picture

I can really relate to your story. My partners 12year old is so fat he needs xl men's clothes. He is possibly 16 stone maybe more. He has been overweight since he was 4 or 5 and the weight gain hasn't stopped. His BM thinks there is nothing wrong with him and his father gets angry with me if I mention a food that isn't healthy that he shouldn't be eating. He knows he needs help but maybe he doesn't know what to do for him.It is hard to tell children they need to cut down on food and exercise more. It is doubly difficult when his BM gives him a second dinner when he is dropped home to her.

at whits end with ss's picture

I am so glad that I am not alone in this battle. Everytime I say or even about the fact that I hate my ss8 I feel like crying. I am almost 25 and should not be letting ss8 ruin my life. But that's exactly what he is doing. He is an absolute terror if I am not a complete b***h to him and it makes me sick. Whenever I am super nice to him and try to build a relationship with him he thinks he can be disrespectful and unruly towards me. I am a strict parent and BM lets everything slide. I feel like there is no middle ground here for us to build a relationship. Worse my husband and I had a wonderful relationship until he came into our lives (April 2012), ever since then we get into a huge arguement at least once a day. We use to not fight at all! All of our fighting stems from ss8. I can't really leave becuase we have a 5 yr daughter together and another on the way......I feel stuck in hell living with this monster. I keep telling myself...10 more years

gaviotas's picture

Thanks god I am not alone Smile So difficult to live this situation. I found this forum and feel a bit better, sharing my feelings and knowing that someone else is living the same nightmare. I am from Argentina, and speak a different language, but feelings are the same worldwide

RBR's picture

Agreed Agreed Agreed. I hate my disrespectful, overweight, lazy, 8SS who has not a single friend over, can't play by himself, can't ever talk in a normal volume (always yells) and is a perma pain thats NEVER once been disciplined by DH. He is so bad I literally do not ever want to have kids with my husband because I would rather die than have to have him be their brother. It like a punishment to the kids and it would make him be even more around me to see his baby brother or sister. I literally am to the point where I'm locked in my bedroom for 4 hours a night while the brat sits on his butt watching my tv and eating in my kitchen. So annoyed, so don't like him in the least.

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

I have been in step-shit's (15) life since he was 7. He does the exact same thing.

Has not ONE friend. Is 90 lbs overweight. Sits on his ass eating every moment. He either sits or lays down and watches TV and plays video games. He has no respect for anyone. He also cannot talk in a regular voice. He yells. He also claps his hands really loud and makes really stupid loud noises day and night. Just out of the blue.

I hate to tell you, but it doesn't get better with age. I f'ing hate him. I've taken all of his pictures down because I can't bare to look at his spoiled rotten, fat face. When I think of him my hearts starts racing because he stresses me out so bad.

His Dad think's he's just a normal kid. He has also never been punished. And my fat-asses SS ruins every vacation and every dinner out...... ON PURPOSE to upset everyone. God how I hate him!

I feel your pain my friend. I dream every day of leaving.

Fatkidstep's picture

OMG....this could have been written by me. My stepson is 12 years old, socially inept, no friends, severely obese (almost 260 lbs) and has no redeeming characteristics at all. My stomach actually turns when I see them pull up in the driveway every second weekend. He is lazy, sullen, and rude. He is not nice at all unless he wants something. My husband thinks that apart from the weight, he is a normal 12 yo. BS. Nobody can stand him. Even my husbands parents dont like being around him. He has ruined every family vacation we have ever taken. He acts like he is 5 and husband treats him like a toddler. Its getting to the stage where I cant stand him. My friends used to force their kids to play with him, but as they are getting older, the other kids cant stand him either. Worst part is that my husband is actually talking about going back to court for more custody as he thinks we will be able to help with the weight issue.....God help me.

sterlingsilver's picture

I think all teenage boys are discusting, just like (IMHO) all male dogs are discusting (until they're fixed). We can neuter, crate and collar dogs, but we can't do that to our ssons. I have 2 bs and 1 ss living here right now and honestly my boys aren't as bad as ss but if they were I would probably overlook it more b/c they are mine. I grew up with many brothers and I don't ever remember them being gross but I do remember my mom cleaning ALOT and always asking ALL of us to clean and help out around the house. Now adays I think the disrespect we get is due in large b/c kids are online so much and have lost all basic values b/c parents work so much and kids don't have the family structure and respect instilled in them as much. We have 80 yr old neighbors who live across the street from us. We visit them once in awhile. He was telling us that his currrent wife was not his 2 son's mom, but smom. He said when he married her he told the boys that she is now the mom in the house and you will respect her and treat her as you would any other lady and if you don't YOU will be the one leaving, not her. She is my wife and if you disrepect her you will deal with me. I gave that old man a hug when he said that and told him I wished every father would say that to their sons. My dh has made it clear to his boys my standing in this house but he doesn't always follow through and ss15 often tries to get btw his dad and me.

momof2boysfmct's picture

So how do we make this better. My son is 11 and my husband (step father) can't stand my son. He complains about everything. The way he talks,hangs one me, tells my husband he loves him. Everything. I feel my kid is the normal 11 year old. Forgetful has to be reminded about everything. We have been together since my boy was 16 month old. He says it gets worse as he gets older. How do we fix this. I lovey husband and my son.

love_my_shichi's picture

I don't think there is anything you can do. At least from my perspective, as I have a similar feeling toward my fiancee's two sons. And I just cannot stand them and everything about them. The sight of them, their idiotic jokes, when they think they are being cool, even when they aren't complaining or whining they bother me. I just plain CANNOT STAND them. They aren't particularly ugly, but their selfish and self centered personalities make them grotesque to me. It's to the point where I try to avoid meals with them and be gone when they come around as much as possible. I don't see myself changing my opinions any time soon. I think some people just don't mesh. Maybe don't try and force things between them. Remember that it has nothing to do with you....its very odd. I am madly in love with my fiancee, but I think his children are pathetic and disgusting. I have no idea why. It almost defies logic. But try not to get mad at him for it. I am sure its VERY ANNOYING for him. And the fact that he stays with you even though your child bothers him says a lot. It's hard on a person to dislike a child. You feel tremendous guilt.

Jenny79's picture

I agree, think 100 thounsand times more befor you say I Do , to him, his kids, his parents and his ex!

WantToBe's picture

RUN DO NOT WALK! RUN!!! If you don't like them now you will hate them latter. PLEASE listin to me! Please read this. I am a step mom now and I was a step daughter as well. My step father before he married my mother very much diliked me. I was only 2 at the time. It got worse over time. He started to abuse me in way that would make you sick. I don't think you wou;d ever do that. But if you can't love them please walk away. IF that man just walked away from my mother because he hated me.... I would not have all these emotional and phiyscal scars on me. PLEASE SAVE YOUR SOUL! DON"T MARRY HIM! PLEASE!

momof2boysfmct's picture

I know he does feel guilty and explains it just like u did. He says he knows its not right and childish but it's just the way he feels. Then between the every day stress if life (job, bills, ect) my son just "adds to it. Today I suggested he took a vacation just to relax and get his thoughts together. To make himself happy because he is so misriable. But due to lack of money that wasn't possible. But he did decide to go to a friends house just to distant himself. I think he needs just a "break" from reality. We arnt splitting up and I know my husband loves ME but I hope this helps. He also said he was gonna try and talk to someday. He says it seems to be getting worse and feels like I defend my son to much. But I feel he always looks at the bad. My 11 yr old. Does alot he makes his bed daily , does the trash,cleans toilets, cleans his bathroom sink, puts clothes in the dryer. I thinks that's pretty good. Yes I remind him sometimes but he is a kid. My husband turns all that I to "he's gonna start a fire he didn't clean out the lint trap, or u remind him about his choirs he should just donut with our being told. He picks on everything. They way my son talks, eats, sits close to me on the couch, even tells my husband that he loves him all of it drives him nuts. Seems like my kid never gets cut any slack. Trust me he's not perfect am when he's fresh, rude ect I yell at him. It's just exhausting. I've been with him since my son was a baby. He didn't just appear how can he feel this way after so long

love_my_shichi's picture

Wow momof2, your situation is WAY DIFFERENT then mine. These children (my steps)do zero to help around the house. And I mean NOTHING. Not even brush their teeth. It sounds like your son is a reasonable 11 year old. Perhaps it is mostly jealousy that your husband feels. And a touch of that "just not meshing" thing. I heard someone equate liking a step child to going down to Walmart and grabbing a kid and saying "here's a kid- like it". The chances are not all that great that a person is going to like a random kid. Think of dating! Do you like every man that walks by? Certainly the same goes for kids.

As with most things, acceptance is the key. It is clear your husband feels the way he does. Stop trying to change the way he feels, judging him or wondering why, and move on to a new phase. If he is not abusive, he is supportive in other ways like paying his share of the bills, he is cordial, dependable etc. and you are willing to accept this, then you can move on. I guess you have to ask yourself- are you okay with the facts here. Can you accept the fact that he does not like your son and maybe never will?

You know, you could take tremendous pressure off of him if you had a talk with him and said, "look honey, I know you don't like my son. Some people just aren't fond of each other. I won't try and force any awkward situations between you two, but I appreciate your ongoing respect and kindness with him, it means a lot."

One thing not to do is go on and on about how much you love your son, he knows that TRUST ME, and if you do that, YOU WILL ANNOY HIM. My fiancee does this to me and it bugs the crap out of me. Parents always think they need to tell their significant other how much they love their kid (like its a big secret) and it seems like they do this more so when the parent happens to HATE HATE HATE the child in question. I don't know why. But trust me- you will just annoy him further. Your husbands dislike for him is very inconvenient and I bet he wishes it was different. I know I do. ITS SUCH A HASSLE and such an energy drain disliking my skids- BUT I CANNOT LIKE THEM. They sit at the dinner table and smirk and complain ABOUT EVERYTHING. And they are SO LAZY AND DIRTY AND LOUD. I swear the sight of them makes me cringe.

Anyways, you have been together a long time. He must not dislike your son that much. I have been around my skids weekends only 3 years and I am borderline thinking of ending things. I think you are in the clear.

88keys2happiness's picture

To hide your love for your child is not fair to you or the child. Step parenting is not good. It is just not supposed to be. Divorce is just not meant to be. My stupid ex-husband would have been easier to deal with than my marriage to my stupid stepson and his father. At least our love for our child and grandchildren would be real and genuine and no faking needed. I hate faking. I won't fake. People with kids should not remarry. I think maybe people shouldn't even get married until they are 30 or at least have some idea of what kind of mate they need. Life is hard without adding these parallel layers. I can't take it anymore. I am ready to live a married, but alone, abstinent life. I'd would rather be alone than be fake. Good luck. love your children. Love your step children; if you can. If you can't, no one is going to be happy. I'm done.

verysadman's picture

Exactly my thoughts, I would not have married my wife, if I had known it would be hell.

I would have waited till my daughter turned 18.

I used to think, my wife was the only person who had issues, after coming to this forums I realized there are many women like that.

step-mermaid's picture

Like everyone says, it's so refreshing to have this website and know we're not crazy or bad people. So much of what everyone has written seems to have come right out of my own head. My question is, does everyone's significant other KNOW how you feel about the skids? Because mine does not and I don't know why he is so clueless. I have told him before (as nicely and calmly as possible) how rude his son is to me, how hard it is for me to have him in my house, but he just does not see it. And when I try to detach myself on the days skid is with us (if I try to shut myself away in a room, or stay out extra late coming home from work, etc.) my fiance thinks I am trying to avoid HIM, not the kid. I'm not sure why he doesn't get it, and how much more obvious I can be without being a total b*%&#! I love my fiance and want to spend every moment for him, but when the skid is there it's just an atmosphere of total hell and sometimes I just can't face it. But I hate for my fiance to think I don't want to be around HIM. Anyone else have this problem?

TASHA1983's picture

My FDH knows that I don't like his S11. I don't hide it at all. We are getting married in less than 2 weeks and we are on the same page when it comes to skid and bm. FDH has made it crystal clear that me and our marriage and the life we have together comes FIRST! He is not nor has he allowed skid or bm bullshit to interfere or ruin what we have. If there is something that I don't like or makes me uncomfortable regarding skid/bm he will fix it or make it right or make it up to me in some way. Liek for example, my FDH pays alot for CS every month. He is a very hard worker and got racked over the coals for CS but he does everything in his power to make sure that he takes good care of me and my son. He is an amazing man.

I really wish all of you ladies had what I have. You all deserve to be happy and not have some stupid brat(s) and their loser mothers ruining your lives/happiness. And you all deserve to have SOs that put you FIRST and stand up to their brats/bm for you. It really breaks my heart and burns my ass all when I read all of the horror stories on here as a result of guilty Disney dads, loser bm, and demon seeds! Sad

christinen's picture

I feel the same way about my SD. I literally wish I could shove her back into her mother’s disgusting vagina. Just the sound of her name (let alone the sight of her) makes me sick to my stomach. She looks and sounds just like a little BM and has caused more trouble in my life and marriage than I ever could have imagined was possible.

Maebelle's picture

One of the wonderful things about being a disengaged stepmom is that I don't even think about my step son anymore. Of course he is an older kid, so his dad deals completely with him. At one time I couldn't stand the sight of him, and now I am completely not feeling anything, negative or positive.

Fortunately they grow up fast. Just be sure to nurture your marriage. I did that and I am very thankful that I did. My husband is a good person and we are well matched so it would have been too bad if my marriage went downhill because of his child.

Im The MOMMA's picture

That's where I'm headed now... I don't think about the kid, am almost totally disengaged when it comes to him. I did, however, work on our marriage, and in nurturing it, my husband started to respond in a positive way as well... he now will not allow SK's, BM, or whomever, to interfere. God is good.

stepintx's picture

Help me out here ladies! How do you disengage and nurture your marriage? I could be wrong but I feel like disengaging from my SS's would have the opposite effect on my relationship with my SO. How do you successfully pull this off?

Edited to add: My SS's are with us full-time. BM is not in the picture.

ESMOD's picture

I think one of the first things that you DON'T do is announce that you are disengaging from the kid(s)! What parent wants to hear negative about their child.

One of the more delicate things may be separating finances. It's hard to lose your resentment when your money is funding the kids.

Basically, I would just ease into being less involved and interacting less with the kids directly. Don't go out of your way to make conversations (beyond the basic politeness pleasantry). Don't do things like chauffer them.. or clean their room or follow up after them with chores. Those are the parent's job.

Disengagement is actually as much a state of mind as it is an action (or inaction as the case may be). Stop worrying if they don't like you.. don't arrange yourself around their schedules. Plan on doing your own thing during visitation (a little tougher if you have them FT). When the Bioparent asks why you are gone. "oh...I figured this would be a good time to do X because you are busy having quality time with your child"....

the kids are there to have time with their parent. Any peripheral interaction with you is optional... and if you aren't there.. that doesn't stop the point of the visit.

Java_Junkie's picture

I simply stopped engaging the kid who "didn't want to hear it from me," because the only reason he was hearing it from me was because I'd heard his mom say it several times and he was OBVIOUSLY ignoring her.

If he was rude, I'd say something. If he was doing something that'd ruin his clothes, I'd say something. If he was doing something that would hurt him or someone else, I'd say something. DW would crack down on me for "expecting him to goose step around the house." She even told me she doesn't want me to be a parent figure in his life, but more of a friend. Yikes... OK, I won't say squat... But I'm thinking, "I don't need her to assign me a friend, especially a thirteen year old who refuses to take responsibility. WTH?"

So, now...
If he says "Hi," I'll respond.
If he asks for help, I'll help, just that one time.
If he wants food, he knows where the kitchen is.
Only rarely will I open up a conversation with him, and the only time I'll correct him is if he's doing something that affects me or my belongings directly.

DW said, "Seems like you and Thing_1 are getting along pretty well!"
"Yup! I changed up my strategy."
"Really? What are you doing?"
"It's called 'disengaging.' F'rinstance, when he and his friends were playing football in the back yard by the pool and his friend fell backward into the spa and almost cracked his skull on the stone coping, I kept quiet... 'None of my business,' and after all... isn't that why we have homeowner's insurance?"
Her mouth fell open. "Well, if someone's gonna get HURT..."
"But you see, before, it was similar stuff that I was trying to prevent, and you told me to stop... So I won't say anything because he only resents me whenever I do, so I won't fan those flames. Like you said, he's not my kid; indeed, he's not my responsibility, not my concern. He'll have to learn everything HIS way."
She picked up the yoke of responsibility and started parenting.

That said, she sometimes back-slides, and I bite my tongue from saying I told her so when she gets the nasty shock like when her daughter is texting F-bombs to kids in school or when she finds her son's iPad had been visiting a p0rn site (both kids denied they did these things, blamed a friend instead). Sometimes, her backsliding emboldens the kids to test their boundaries, and if it was me, I'd rein them in... but they're her kids, and so per her request, I'll just sit back and (my analogy, not hers)
her kids play with
her matches in
her barn."

cowardtostepout's picture

This is really me now after 8 years of trying to do my "step-parent role" to now 13 years old ss. He lives almost full-time with us. BM lives in the corner but DH doesn't want SS to stay their longer than 2 nights. So imagine my nightmare and how many times I avoid this sad-but-true reality that I dislike my stepson. DH is pissed off because I am now very cold towards him and his son. I DON'T GIVE A CRAP. I used to be close with my ss but DH barely supported me when I tried to say anything to his son ever since, in fact, he defends his son continuously (IN FRONT of the kid). Whatever DH wants to do, change or not, I don't care anymore. My heart is too tired to hope that his "over-protective-to-his-son-syndrome" will change. I am staying only for my 2 Bio sons (one is mine and DH). I hope that one day, I have the courage to leave here.

Im The MOMMA's picture

Wink Been there, done that... it DOES get better. SS17 is supposed to be heading to Job Corps, unless, as he's done with everything else, he screws that up.
In a month, child support for him ends, and I just got that letter today... Smile Even though I've mostly been the one to be understanding in that they are DH's kids and it IS his responsibility, I'm the B-I. . . For six long years I've been running around like a chicken w/o a head trying to create an atmosphere of peace between BM, DH, BMH, myself and the SK's. Sometimes we won't hear a peep out of BM unless, a payment didn't go through. (Because DH, whom suffered from diabetes for a while, was unable to work at times.)

BM is a lying, manipulating, snake and that's exactly what my SK's have seen, and learned, especially SS. I'm not having that in my home though, and I let it be known off the bat. I saw through SS since I met him, but I kept quiet, and kept studying him, just to make sure that it wasn't me being unjust. I prayed about it to the Lord that if it was something in me, please take it from my heart. I couldn't see the kid in paint, let alone in person because of his manipulative ways... he would smirk while hubby and I argued. Long story short, he KNOWS he's welcome here if he comes correct; otherwise, it's not happening. But, I had to voice that, which entailed disagreement between DH and I, and also BM, whom at first was acting as though she was the wifey in MY home. She assumed that since they are his children, they were entitled to come in and disrupt OUR life, OUR marriage. I put a stop to that with the quickness. It turns out that everything I saw in my SS, and relayed to DH, over time hubby was able to duplicate and handle accordingly. I paid a price though. I went through the "locking myself in my own room" phase, plenty of tears, and loads of anger, which I prayed didn't turn to wrath. Now, my own husband tells his son, if you want to come live with us, you know the rules. SS doesn't like rules, authority, and guidelines, and I KNOW he doesn't like me either, but it's all good. In my moments, even while I've struggled, I've managed to keep my composure and give him advice, and paint a picture of what someone's end result can be, that walks a certain path. So, he's gotten plenty of support and love from us, and it was imperative, in order that DH could see that I was not just pushing SS away, if not, I was legitimately attempting to open up to him.

The way I see it, I am the adult, and I have to be intentional in everything I do; if you are seeking a certain type of result, it's not going to happen by yelling louder, or stomping harder; if not by using self-control. It's by being deliberate in your choices. My mind was made up and nobody could change it. It took my husband giving up his perfect view of his son, and seeing my reality of his son's actions, and where these actions would lead him. His son did some things that allowed me the privilege to create a perfect example for DH, so I cannot take all the credit.

Reznov's picture

I too HATE my ss! There is not one thing I like about him, not ONE!! But I also hate the way DH and his family think the sun rises and sets on ss's ass. Our ds and I get treated like second class citizens. I know that a lot of the resentment and dislike I have for ss is because of the way dh has treated me and our ds but, ss's personality doesn't help at all. Ugh!

Transparent's picture

I hate my SD17 as well... A good portion because she looks exactly like her mother, the older she got the more I hated her because its like living with his ex wife every single day. There is nothing more disturbing than waking up every morning and seeing someone that looks like his ex. She has all the same bad habits as her mother as well... such as being a pathological liar, slob, lazy, unmotivated, entilted brat who has a new boyfriend every week of which I know she is sexually active so it's only time before she is knocked up. Her mother also used the welfare system and popped out 3 kids from 3 different guys just so she could collect welfare and not work. I have been just telling myself 1 more year and she will be gone. I hope she moves out or I will put my foot down and say enough is enough...pack your shit and move in with your mom because I'm done. I've done more than my part of being her parent, not just parenting but financially as well, while her mom fucked around and never did any parenting let alone pay child support.

So I know how you feel... There are days she is tolerable but 99% of the time I do my best to disengage and avoid being around her because I have a hard time hiding my hatred of her and I don't feel like I'm a mean person but when She is around i feel nothing but toxic hatred. I'm tired of seeing her lie to her dad, but if I point it out I'm nothing but a bitch for it and she gets away with it. So now I ignore it all and say...not my problem. It will be his prob when she's knocked up.

I've tried to find something nice about her but I can't.... Even when she was 3 yr old when we first got custody of her...still can't fine one nice thing to about her.

Thenewwife72812's picture

I feel your pain! My SD is a nightmare! Her and her mother do nothing but try to think of ways to get under my skin. I so totally understand where you are coming from and I am so happy I am not the only one who feels this way! I have tried to think of ways to get my DH to just give my SD to her BM all together but unfortunately for me that is not going to happen. oh well guess we can't have everything Sad

BLACKHEART's picture


Iam absolutely THRILLED that I am not the only one that hates my stepson. Here is my situation::::: So DF(FIANCE) have been together for 4-5 yrs. My almost 1 at the time. He just turned 6. As a baby, i didn't want anything to do with him. I told my DF(dating at the time) I didn't want anything to do with his kid & i'd like to warm up to him IF it ever happened. He agreed to back off.. then it actually happened. I grew to love him. He was a pretty good kid, thought i noticed little sneaky things he'd do, and curse words that would slip out from being with his raggedy mother on weekdays.

We moved out of state, his mother decided to keep him last minute.... He spend this past summer (2012) with us & when he left home, I felt some type of ay about him. It was the strangest thing. For1, the little dumb ass ways he had flew smoother because he was younger. By this time, he just hit 5. I noticed he was a little off (borderline slow), disobedient. I think that him doing EXACTLY WHAT I JUST TOLD HIM NOT TO DO made me hit the ROOF. Spilling some crap on my carpet and staining it, telling me what he doesnt watn to eat. Crying because I told him not to touch the remote in front of my friend's daughter whome he was trying to show off in front of. I grab the remote & tell him to sit there. He begins crying and jams his finger up his nose, and it his nose begins gushing blood,a nd he's allowing it do run down his face. Then as I run to get a towel to wsh him off, as soon as i hit the corner, he jams his fingers down his throat and vomits all on our bed. I am big on Disciplining.

What makes these tihngs worse, is DF works graveyard, so I get stuck with this little SOB. He does this thing that makes my skin BURN: when he wants something to eat he says "HUNGRY". and if you tell him to quiet down, it gets repetitive: "HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRYYYY". I want to knock his head off. He eats like he is 2, and spills SOMETHING EVERY TIME.

I cant forget the time he sat there and dug in his nose, made it bleed, but continued to play the video game and allowed the blood to drip down his face, and through the bedding and soak into our mattress because he didnt want to stop playing. (I'd find a bloody pointer finger every time).

I agree with a previous poster when saying: when they emphasize how much they love the damn child, it is ANNOYING. It just makes it worse. I also agree when someone said you shouldn't have to be forced to love someone elses child. Respect them yes.. Love them and treat them like they're your own-NO. Icould never truely love him as if he were my own. He didn't come out of me. I love my daughter more and she isn't even here yet.

I too admire women who love another woman's child(though some pretend to), the child still benefits.

selfish people's picture

I bet your abusing this kid. Someone should report you to child services in your area! Everything this child is doing is what kids do everyday THEY ARE KIDS, you witch. If this was your birth child all those things you just described this child doing would be tolerated by you and even cause you to react with concern and love, if your even capable of love. Give this kid back to the birth mother, the one you described as ragedy is a 100% better human being than you are. You are the ragedy #@&^%!!!!!

selfish people's picture

Everyone on this sight needs help go to church and pray for help or seek some family theropy. These children didn't asked to be born unto self centered parents that couldn't even stay and work on their marriage. Now here are children living under the same roof with step parents that say they can't even stand to hear the childs voice. You all are a threat to these children and your spouse should take the children and run before the kids get hurt any worse or even lose their lives. What kind of monsters could hate a child. You are all self absorbed, only worried about yourself, spoiled snobs, and it wouldn't surprise me if your part of the reason the first marriage failed. Why don't you let the birth moms know how you feel toward their children, I'm sure they wouldn't bring them back if you let them know your true feelings. Then you could have your shitty spouse all to yourself and continue being the selfish couple you really are. God's greatest gift to this world was a child!!!!!!!! You should all be totally ashamed of yourselves. Do something and get the kids out of your house before they end up dead. :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

meghuneyntyson's picture


meghuneyntyson's picture

Im not even sure what this person is talking about anymore. She clearly has me confused with someone else.

meghuneyntyson's picture

I doubt I will take someone seriously who can't even spell "site" or "therapy" right.

selfish people's picture

That's all you can throw at me, I'll take it because I love and cherish all kids. I'm a bad speller but I'm a damn good person with a kind soul and would never mistreat any child. I hope everything you put out in life comes back on you 10 times worse!!!!!

meghuneyntyson's picture

Since you clearly don't know me or my situation or why I am here, you are truly making yourself look like a fool.

I volunteer with children on a regular basis in low income housing developments. I feed the homeless every first Saturday of the month. So thank you. I hope everything I put out in life comes back 10 times as well. My life would be even better than the blessing it has already been.

God bless you.

selfish people's picture

You have the nerve to try and say you volunteer with children!!! Go show your supervisor these posts you won't be doing that much longer. You should not be any where near children. All your volunteer work doesn't make up for the abuse your stepchild is receiving in his own home.

meghuneyntyson's picture

I think you have me confused with someone. I don't have a stepchild and nobody is in their home. I have no clue what you are talking about. Just shows how crazy you are. Im done entertaining you for the night. You will be in my prayers.

selfish people's picture

Not when your thoughts include hating children. Say a prayer for youself and all the poor stepchildren linked to people on this sight.

selfish people's picture

Spelling doesn't make you a bad person all the things you people have posted is disturbing and you are all abusing these kids. Which one is worse poor spelling or child abuse?

meghuneyntyson's picture

I don't think I've seen where anyone has abused a child. Perhaps you should find a sexual predator message board to preach to instead. People here are actually trying to find ways to cope and deal better with their situations. Understanding usually works better than judgement.

meghuneyntyson's picture

Sigh, without hurting your feelings too much, I'm an attorney with a pretty nice life, hun. The only loser here would be you coming to a message board and trolling. My situation is actually a good one, but I grew up with a stepbrother and a wonderfully blended stepfamily so I understand the issues some people face here.

Tsk, tsk. You know what they say about making assumptions. They make an ass out of you and...well just YOU in this case.

selfish people's picture

I knew you had money before you opened your mouth, your words drip with selfishness and greed. It's all about you how much money you have, what kind of car you drive, your big career, your big head I knew you were narcissistic from the first post about the child. Your still a miserable person and guess what all that money can't by you happiness or a good heart and soul. P.S. I'm in a my first marriage and it has been a wonderful 25 years we both have lucrative careers and two beautiful children also we have 2 other kids we raised that lost their mom in a car accident and I love them everyday everyone of them. All the kids I've been kind to are healthy thriving adults as are we can you say that hunnnn?

meghuneyntyson's picture

I'm a very happy person and I won an award this year for the work I've done with the homeless. Next?

selfish people's picture

Do you watch the news or read the paper hell google it thousands of kids are abused and killed by abusive step parents just like yourselves. It horrifies me that kids are living in the same house with people like you. Yhere is other types of abuse besides sexual. Mental,verbal,physical,neglect do these ring a bell?

selfish people's picture

All you can worry about is punctuation are you reading these post, if it doesn't bother you then you must be one of them!!!!!! Just by the way you are responding to my post I can see that you are a step mom I feel so much pain for the kids in your life

meghuneyntyson's picture

Girl that woman is truly insane. Now any kids living with HER, I feel sorry for. Loopy as a box of cereal.

meghuneyntyson's picture

A troll just came and made recent statements. My apologies. I found myself baited.

meghuneyntyson's picture

For one - have you realized that some of us here are not the "abusive monsters" you are talking about? If you read through some of the threads, you would see that a lot of people here have GREAT relationships with their stepchildren and are looking for ways to improve them. Some people don't have good relationships with them and are looking for ways to cope. Not everyone here is a "monster" like you have described.

Sigh. When am I going to learn not to feed trolls. :O

Humble's picture

Any solutions? I've only seen one suggested and that is to disengage, any other suggestions.

I have a situation that's a bit more complicated then most. My girlfreind soon to be fiancé if I can find a way to restore peace has 3 children all of whom live with me. They are 11 boy, and 10 and 7 both girls. There father is a total deadbeat want to be thug POS that collects disability due to mental issues, is almost a non factor. He hasn't spoke to the kids in months and doesn't really get to see them because the last time he did somehow he got stabbed in the face in front of the oldest which whom is my problem.

The girls are good for the most part. But the oldest is the laziest, rudest,most disrespectful, unappreciative kid I have ever met. Everything is everybody else's fault, basically he is just like his father. The girls are like there mom whom is soft spoken and one of the sweetest selfless people you will ever meet.

Basically when we met they where all really hard up. All living in a 1 bedroom apartment struggling in everyway with no help from anyone. I fell hard and fast for all of them and took them all into my home a year ago now. For awhile everything was pretty good. They where all appreciative helpful and most importantly respectful of me and my home. Well things have changed. The oldest is so lazy, disrespectful to me, my home, my things, my rules and my boundries. He has gotten so angry, we suspect because he doesn't see his dad anymore. He is mean to EVERYONE! His sisters his mother, and me. He has been grounded for I don't even know how long anymore, because he is failing every class in school and teachers also complain that he is disrespectful and refuses to do anything he is told. His mom has a real hard time disiplining him because she doesn't want to be mean. We have tried everything and the kid simply insists on making things harder bit just for himself but for everyone around him on any given day. I have lately found myself like others hiding in my toom a avoiding coming home just to avoid this kid. I believe in spanking and truly think this is the only solution we have not tried but mom doesn't want to, and it's not my place to being a step. However I'm at my wits end. Despite loving them all so much I'm so desperate for peace I've been considering breaking up with the best women I have ever met. Truly more so then that, the main reason I have not split is I don't know what they would do without me. She can not provide for them on her own, and I not good at quiting things, especially on a innocent , yet sometimes demon child.

Only other option I can think of is let him live with his dad as he recently stated he wants too. The problem is it is NOT safe for him and he can't nor won't understand that.


handful07's picture

We have 7 kids and 2 twin grandsons. No mutual bio kids. Our family has truly come together even with some major challenges aside from the second oldest which is now 20. 5 of the kids are mine he has 2. The simple way to put it is the girl is my daughter and the boy is my stepson. He is the most awful, selfish, passive aggressive jerk I have ever known. An my husband knows this and does nothing out of guilt. I pray for the day he stops using us and moves out permanently. There are so many small details to the story that this would become a book. He just has to go. Thank you for giving me a space to vent.


Yes... And your point? This thread maybe be old, but not dead, and impacts the lives of more people than you care imagine or comprehend. This problem is still very relevant in our society today - not just 5 years ago; causing many blended families great pain and suffering. Your casual display of contempt is as unappealing as the people you so casually snub for seeking a forum in which to find help. You see, not everyone is you; do not exist in your mind, your environment, your circumstances, your time, etc. I am pleased to see that some were blessed with the perfect blended family; most who play Russian roulette are not that fortunate. So, is this a forum for people to communicate freely and seek help (the good, bad and ugly), or only that which some want to hear. Don't like it, don't have something meaningful to contribute - say nothing then... Pardon my reply if I am mistaken, but your terse comment seems dismissive of the problem and those seeking help within this forum.

Lulalul's picture

Finally couldn't take it anymore and this morning I packed my things and left my husband. It took me two years to realize that nothing is going to change. I can tell you that I was afraid but I feel good

Java_Junkie's picture

So sorry for the loss. May the healing begin. While this is a tough time of year to start new, might I recommend reaching out to old friends and family whom you've had to put aside while tending to people who weren't doing you right.