Please HELP! Bio Father with Step Kids, need advice!
So I will give you the 10,000 foot level. My wife and I have a blended family with 7-children and one on the way. We each brought three into the relationship and we have a 3 year old together and she is 9-mos pregnant. We have been to more counseling regarding blended families than you can even imagine. The bottom line is she cannot stand my rude kids and wants them gone. I have son who is 11, a daughter who is 15 and a daughter who is 17. My parenting schedule is that I have them Monday after school through thursday morning when they go to school. My 17 y/o works and is rarely here as she prefers her moms, my 15 y/o only comes once a week because she hates my wife and my son is always here the full time.
My kids are rude, lie, disrespectful. Their BM is believed to be borderline and narcissistic. I don't know what to do, why wife does not want to be here when they are. Just so you, I generally have my wifes back, I don't let them act that way but they do it when I am not here. She wants me to tell them they are not welcome. Is that reasonable? What should I do? Any insight?
Wow! I thought we have 5 kids
Wow! I thought we have 5 kids too many ( DH's 3 plus mine 2) but you got us beat! 8 kids - i take it your wife is about to give birth to the baby any day now? Is she able to take care of the entire brood while so very pregnant? Does she have help? However, no one, pregnant or not, would want to be disrespected in their own home. Good for you for having her back. I feel for you, but really, could you share more details? Are your daughters the problem? How is your son doing? He is with you 100%?
This. They have a mother;
This. They have a mother; they should be with her when you're not around. If that can't be arranged, look into child care.
Agreed. If you aren't there,
Agreed. If you aren't there, why should your kids be with your wife? She's not their mom.
Great Advise here - I too
Great Advise here - I too have a big brood (4SKIDS and 2BKIDS) and the only change I would make is to have that meeting in front of all the kids. Make it clear that you will not tolerate your wife being treated badly. That goes for all the kids - yours and hers! If they don't like the rules then they can go live with their other parent.
Become the meaner, tougher, stricter parent and that will give your wife the opportunity to relax and take care of the babies.
One other note - if your wife tells you the kids acted poorly when you are not home - believe her and give out a harsh punishment for being bad and for being bad when they knew you were not there.
This is great feedback... I
This is great feedback... I will also note that the 15 y/o and 11 y/o have diagnoses and now medicated ADHD and are in IEP in school. They are really good kids who have a kind heart but just cannot get along with my wife. My wife has tried so hard and she just gets crapped on. Yes they are punished but it does not seem to help. I think the solution is to not have them here when I am not here and draw a line in the sand so to speak. Here biggest fear is them manipulating the little ones into hating her to too.
One time my 11 y/o pee'd in a squirt gun while taking a shower, he got caught by my wife after one of the other kids told her he was squirting them with pee. She took it from him and he completely denied it. I smelled it and there was no doubt it was pee. He would not fess up and denies in emphatically. He then turns on her and brings things to a head where it is a boiling point trying to make everyone out to be the bad person. 3-days later he confessed and the issue was behind us. That was about a year ago and tonight in a discussion of feelings, he says he only said he did it because he was pressured. They often have us running in circles. They have been to counseling individually as well.
Also note, that I often work from home but not always, so when they come home from school there is a time when they are here without me. Not sure if I should consider changing the parenting plan do they are here on the weekends but then they don't get any time with their other siblings. BTW, we have been a blended family since 2006.
Do what you would do if you
Do what you would do if you weren't married. Your wife has no interest in being lone with those terrible kids, & she shouldn't. She has her own children to worry about.
You need to find a better way to discipline your children. Getting him to 'confess' 3 days later? He would have been punished whether he confessed or not. Not just for peeing in a gun but ALSO for obviously lying. Idk what this thing is in blended families where people think they can only punish skids if they admit to their 'crime'. This is just simply failed parenting & something must be done to fix it - by you & their BM. Your wife however is free from their crap.
Webcams with audio
Webcams with audio capability. That should give you the information you need to tie a knot in the tale of your toxic spawn. You deal with this directly when you are present for it which is a good thing. When you are not present your wife is their victim.
So, you have a choice. Support your wife, add the proof of Webcams, and bring the pain of accountability down on your 3 eldest toxic spawn or do what your wife asks and boot them out of your home.
I would bring the pain were I you. That shows support for your bride, sets the example for your younger children, and brings accountability down on your toxically behaved children.
Good luck.
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Your son's lies have to be
Your son's lies have to be addressed. He has to realize the harm he is doing to any relationship when he lies, no matter how much pressure he is under. Your wife has reason to be stressed.....9 months pg and all this? If you can take part of the parenting burden from her I think it is best.
I realize you have no control over your ex and if she is BPD dealing with her might not be easy. But I tell you what I did, we have a step family of 5, mixed. Ours were all small when we met so this might have some bearing. I told my kids they had 2 moms and 2 dads. I told my girls I expected them to respect their stepdad (my husband) and their stepmom (my ex's wife). I gave my ex's wife authority to discipline my girls and I let them know this. If the girls complained about their stepmom I would not play into it, I would just listen and then tell them that she had her reasons. I never said anything bad about the stepmom. I never allowed for any disrespect from my daughter to their step parents. This is nearly 25 years later and I can tell you that my daughters have had a good relationship with their step parents this whole time.
On the other hand.....I tied to talk to my husband's exwife who was telling the boys lies and making things hard on us. I tried to tell her it was in the boys' best interests that we work together but she wouldn't hear of it, she allowed her sons to disrespect me and I think she took great pleasure in it. My husband didn't want to be involved. I think he thought we should be more like an intact family and I was supposed to take care of everything. If I needed his help with his sons he was not real supportive and he did allow the boys to disrespect me. If they lied he didn't address it. Basically they had the message from both their bio parents that they could treat me any way they wished. The boys and I have no relationship now and I think that it is a mutual feeling on both ends.
See the difference here?? It takes the bio parents showing respect, and expecting their children to give respect to the step parent.
You love your wife, right?
You love your wife, right? She's overwhelmed, pregnant, stressed out, and upset.
What do you think is best for her?
I'm getting eaten alive here by adult step children and 2 out of 3 moved out. You seriously need to be careful here. Your wife needs a decent environment. I'd say you'd better get busy.