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lcarley's picture

I have been dating a man for 2 years. We have an 8 month old daughter. He also has a 9 year old daughter and a 7 year old son who are with us 4 days a week. Prior to cohabiting, his daughter loved me. Would beg for me to come over, wanted to do things with me etc... As of late, she has become disengaged. She thinks that I am plotting to take her daddy away from her. If he and I have a conversation that she can not hear, she freaks out. She has gone from a sweet loving little girl to distraught and sassy. If something interferes when she is talking to him, it hurts her feelings. She also has been having a hard time sleeping alone, she always wants her daddy.

Both of his children are having a hard time coping with the divorce. Their mother is quite wild, but cordial to my face at least. I am not sure if it is coping with the new baby, coping with the divorce, coping with her mother bringing random men around... But honestly I do not know what to do to get her to feel content anymore. I have not taken a disciplinary role with her, if something happens I let her dad know and he punishes accordingly as he sees fit. He does not let her disrespect any adult, but I literally feel like she hates me. She has expressed to her mother and father that she doesn't like me anymore.

Some things have definitely changed. We moved into a new house, there is a new baby, I went from being pregnant and able to get into her world better to buying groceries, making dinner, cleaning house, taking care of the baby, and hoping to be able to get into her (and her brothers) world when I can. The hardest part for me is that I love these children, and I sacrifice so much to ensure that they are fed and taken care of. Obviously children may not realize the daily sacrifices that the co-parent takes... but I just do not know how to fix this.

She wont play with me, she rarely speaks to me... Her reasons are irrational but it is all about her perception. She thinks she is a grown woman, she keeps asking her dad why he and her mother cant be together. Obviously the reasoning behind that should never be disclosed to a child. When her questions are dodged she cries and says that everyone keeps secrets from her. She seems so fragile, and I by no means want to add to the stress of what she is going through. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

lcarley's picture

I am not trying to be their mom, that is why I leave the discipline up to him, I am trying so hard to ease their struggles, but they are both extremely fragile. SD shuts down SS acts out. I cant help but feel slightly responsible for their stress, poor kids have been through a lot. I wasn't aware that there is blended family therapy, call me ignorant, but I am brand new to this step mom deal. I became a new mother and a step mother of 2 kids at the same time. All I want is what is best for the kids, and I truly love them both dearly and was hoping that this transition would be easier.

He has told her consistently that they are not getting back together, but she likes to go down memory lane and throw all of the good times in his face. I do not think she does it out of spite, I truly believe that she is holding on to some glimmer of hope that a miracle will happen and things will change. She doesn't quite grasp adult situations, even though she thinks she has it all figured out. In her mind if they both say they are sorry they can get married again and live happily ever after. Her perception is that I am in the way of that.

lcarley's picture

Thank you all for the encouragement, this week I am going to try to submerge myself in her world, if she will let me... I feel like I am a little at fault because I went from only playing with them to trying to take care of them which meant playing sat on the back burner. I need to brush up on my barbie and minecraft skills before Thursday!

Over the last year we have made memories, cooking together, making friendship bracelets, events, Christmases and birthdays. But I feel like suddenly she could care less because I am the "threat" of taking her dad away.

He was very supportive when he told me what she said regarding "not liking me anymore". He says that I have done nothing but show them love and has only encouraged me to try to get a little deeper into her world. I cant help but feel like this has the potential to put a wedge between he and I. That little girl is his entire world, and from the beginning, I told him that I never wanted to get in the way of that. I guess time will tell. I refuse to walk on eggshells, but will be more conscious of her feelings, as irrational as they may be.

He fears that if we completely change everything (that isn't wrong) to pacify her feelings, she will use this angle to manipulate us into getting what she wants. I think we are going to take a subtle approach to let her win in a few areas, but he will firmly remind her that she is a child and we will not compromise her desire to get into adult conversations. Ugh I wish I could make her understand how much I truly love her. She has been so great with the baby, and so great for my happiness level.

mstyphllps's picture

You're a much better woman than I am! I would be losing my mind if I was dealing with all of that. I wish I had some good advice for you....
I will say that I believe eventually she will get over the divorce and recognize all of your kindness and efforts. Sadly, who knows how long that will take.

Indigo's picture

"She thinks that I am plotting to take her daddy away from her." -- OP

To a child, you are.

katielee's picture

I'm sorry but Mini-Wife Syndrome in the making shouldn't be coddled to. She should never be allowed to dictate to you or her father or pretend she is the third adult in the relationship.

When she gets interrupted and/or becomes upset to not be included in a conversation, she should be told, "You are a child so you cannot/will not be included in every conversation." She should not be permitted to interrupt adult conversation. She should not be allowed to sleep with her father or manipulate bedtime to the point that it is a major pain for either of you.

In other words, she needs to learn NOW that she is not on equal footing with you. She is the child. YOU are the wife/significant other. I have dealt with a full-blown mini-wife and it is not pretty. Nip it in the bud while you can.