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Help! I don't want my SD around

Liannabelle's picture

I'm in such a messy situation and I really could use some advice. 

I need to start by saying, these feelings are all pretty new to me .

I've been a step mom to my 10 year old SD for 6 years and up until last year we had a great relationship  Within the last year she has taken to trying anything and everything she can to hurt me on purpose from telling my husband I hit her (which is an absolute lie, I could never and would never hurt anyone, especially a child!) to breaking, stealing and wrecking things that matter to me. My husband knows I'd never hurt her and that I do everything for her but he never acts like he's on my side and she never faces concequences for her negative actions. That, in and of itself is an issue I'm sure I feel resentment over. He just reminds her how much I do for her which definitely makes her more angry with me. 

I gave birth to our first child in August and since then, SD has upped her game of trying to hurt me. I even caught her once trying to sit the baby in a position where she couldn't breathe and nearly lost my mind. I worry so much she'll deliberately try to hurt my daughter to hurt me. I voice this to her dad often and he has literally laughed at me saying "what could she possibly do" and then tries to leave her alone with our newborn baby. I didn't feel dislike for SD until about 6 months ago when I was finally fed up. Her behaviour all around is appalling. She's dirty and refuses to clean herself, she constantly lies, says hurtful things, damages personal items, steals etc. I've had many conversations with her mom ,who sees the same issues and is at a loss herself. Dad, on the other hand, thinks she's his perfect little angel who can do no wrong. She's with us every other weekend and now I dread her coming over. The last several months I've ended up either leaving with my daughter for at least a full day or closed into my bedroom with her the rest of the weekend to spare myself the BS. I've dished out appropriate punishment for some things she's done but it isn't even worth it anymore because nothing changes. I have really tried to talk to my partner about this and he always ends up saying I'm being "too emotional" or that I'm "taking it personally  . Yeah, I'm taking it personally because she's doing these things to me. It is personal. I've tried to get to the root of the problem and get no where, she claims there's "no problem to be fixed" . I'm at my wits end ,no idea how to fix any of this nor do I know how to rid myself of the negative emotions I feel about her now. I've always loved her. Now I feel like I just can't stand her. 

Harry's picture

Someone with a MD.  Not a school, church. Good friend ect,   
There something wrong with her.  Beside being jealous, that someone else is getting attention beside her.  It's only going to get worst unless addressed now.

Think about , like three years from now,  baby will be 3  SD will be 13. You want to take baby to the North Pole, Santa workshop SD will not want to do these things .  You may have to send her back to BM. Or somewhere else 

seem like both your DH and BM are poor parents  and can not parent.  That not your problem.  Becareful with your bio. Since DH can not get out of his way  

Dogmom1321's picture

Our DHs are totally different... he's realistic about SDs manipulative ways. Our SDs however, sound EXACTLY the same! 
 

Jealous, entitled, attention-seeking brats.

Stepmama2321's picture

I'm sure you're already not leaving SD alone with your baby after the whole suffocating baby incident. But also you must not leave baby alone with DH, even to take a quick shower etc, when SD is over because your husband clearly doesn't see an issue with her behavior and he may not be paying as close of attention as he should be. Keep your baby safe at all costs. 
 

Personally, I would never be able to forgive SD for that one. Not sure how old baby is but the issues will only get worse. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

"DH, until you get SD under control, visitation needs to happen outside the house. If you won't leave for those weekends, then Baby and I will. I won't be subjected to her false claims about me, and her stealing and breaking my things. Her mother also knows this is an issue, but you keep ignoring it. So, either stop ignoring it and FIX it, or figure out how to have two families without depriving our child and me."

Then stick to it. Focus the message on HIM being a bad parent and partner, not on SD being a bad kid. It's harder to shut down when the focus is on his bad ADULT behavior.

Also, are you CERTAIN SD knew that she was sitting baby in a position where baby couldn't breathe? I ask because there is a VERY big difference between a selfish child and a psychotic one. Selfish can be corrected. Psychotic has to be protected against. Before going down the "SD will murder my baby" path, make sure that's what actually happened because you may need that evidence in the future.

Also, nanny cams everywhere with direct feed to your phone so you can see what SD is doing at all times.

SteppedOut's picture

This. Except the nanny cams.

Do you know how EXHAUSTING it is trying to keep a hawk eye on a newborn at all times... having to carry a baby into the bathroom with you...not being able to do anything while baby sleeps because you have to keep a vigilant eye on baby....how your heart races when you see on the camera skid getting close to sleeping baby? 

I do. It is NOT good. If it gets to this point, either skid leaves or OP and baby need to leave. It is not healthy for baby/OP. Baby senses mom stress. Stress can affect milk production and hormonal changes are already wreaking havoc on mom - add that dose of extra stress hormones and, no. Just no. It's just not ok.

Glad OPs skid isnt there full time, but skid should not be there at all until she can act like a decent human. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Yup same here! My step daughter sounds exactly like yours. I've been in here life since she was 3 and I actually liked her until she turned 6. That's when she completely flipped doing all the same things your's does and some other awful things. There was always tension because she was so nasty to me. However, DH looked the other way. Now she is is a teen and became enraged and jealous when hubby and I had a daughter together (we already had 3 boys, how dare we have a girl). She cut us off and left. We haven't seen her in over 6 months and she refuses to speak to DH or any of us. Life has been nice without her. No bs, no begging someone to clean themselves,  no cleaning up filthy pads left around, and no more being treated like crap. I completely understand what it's like being shut up in your room all weekend or having to be "busy" just to not be around the kid.

I can't believe she did that to your daughter. I would have gone ballistic and completely banned her from the house. I wouldn't ever trust her alone with the baby and honestly I don't think you should trust your husband as he may not think she can cause any real harm and turn his back. Protect your baby she is your priority.