This forum is great and I really need advice...
For a little background (if necessary) see this: http://www.steptalk.org/node/182278
I've sadly come to the realization that the situation I'm in right now is not what I want. My girlfriend and her children live in my home full time. Considering the behavior problems I have to deal with on a near nightly basis I don't even like coming to my house after a long day of work. Heck, even lately I've been coming home a little later than normal just so I can avoid her children. When I'm here I feel this feeling of queasiness in my gut. I've lost my appetite. It shouldn't be this way in my own home that I've been in for 10+ years!
I love my girlfriend and I care about her well being but if I'm being honest with myself my heart is not in this anymore. I think I've lost a certain level of respect for her in how she allows her children to behave toward her and in the home. I could say a lot more but in my heart I feel like if I already feel this way about coming home how am I going to feel when the behavior problems haven't changed and they're teenagers. Since it's my home I feel like I'm being used at times as it really feels like it's her kids world and we're all just participants in it. I have struggled with the fact that my own older children (pre-teen) have to be subjected to such terrible behavior. It would never fly with me under my roof if they were disrespectful but my GF's children can yell, grunt loudly, and be outright rude and disrespectful without any *real* consequence. Look, I may not be the greatest father in the world but I firmly believe in consequences for poor behavior. It's how I raised my children. Also, I don't buy the "they're girls and more emotional" argument either. I feel it's a cop out and excuse for a lack of discipline.
I feel like my girlfriend is great but if my heart is not in this she deserves to be let go to find another mate who could love her in a way I just can't. I can't fake it for the rest of my life or at the very least the next ten years with her children around. On top of all of this as sad as it is for me to admit I've very cynical about marriage where marriage is something she wants with me. I don't want to be married every again. Like I said, call me a cynic but I no longer believe in the institution at this point in my life.
Here is my real concern area...she is largely dependent on me. She and her children live in my home. It's legally my home and she doesn't pay bills here. We don't have any joint accounts. She doesn't make a lot of money and she doesn't receive a whole heck of a lot in child support. Obviously I can't keep a relationship going because she's made herself dependent but how do I even break up this blended family? Do I offer to help with moving expenses? Do I give her two months? Do I ever mention the children are part of the problem??? I know every break up situation in a blended family is unique but I don't even know where to begin or what a baseline would even look like. Needless to say this situation has been a tremendous learning experience and I'll never again blend another family without being far more prepared.
Please help me...
The above is good advise but
The above is good advise but needs to be taken a step further. A renter has rights to not be thrown out on the street without due process - 30 days would be the normal for a month to month renter. End of lease for a lessor. She's neither.
Please don't live with her for months waiting for a deadline - it'll driver everyone insane. Tell her that this weekend, today, you two are going to rent a minimal sized apartment for her and you're fronting 4 months rent. Moving in immediately. Leave her with enough food and cash to get by for a month and give her the phone numbers of all the welfare offices for assistance to families with dependent children, utility payment help, food debit cards etc.
Rent the truck to move and whatever manual help you need to get the job done. Sunday night she's gone. Do not get into a argument about this. It's done. Then block everything, ask you cell phone provider for help on blocking her number, block email, Facebook by social pages. Zero contact.
It's rough almost below the belt and expensive but you'll have done the best you could do.
Rent her a place for 3
Rent her a place for 3 months, give her some money and have the chat and help her move immediately after break happens. Your gonna have huge issues if she's still living in your house knowing she has to leave eventually leave. Better a clean break, and NO money help, she will be forced to take control of her own life and finances, it is your only chance to not let her become dependent and stay dependent on you.
A lot depends on how she takes the breakup and her personality, but I've seen guys get thousands of dollars in debt with ex girlfiriends using their credit, or other do stuff before "moving out on their own". Just watch out for yourself, cause you'll be the bastard, and she'll be the victim and you have to watch out for you.
Thank you all very much for
Thank you all very much for the responses. It seems as if the general consensus is to offer financial support which I also think is fair and reasonable. I have no issue doing this and makes sense because she didn’t do anything wrong. The relationship is just not what I want. It’s sad and unfortunate but deep down I believe she should have the freedom to find a partner who is going to care for the children in a way she wants them to be cared for and she should find a partner who is willing to marry her. I’m just not willing and to be honest I feel indifferent about her children. If I feel this way now I can only imagine how much worse and difficult it will be once they are teenagers.
Speaking of which, can any of you confirm that things do get worse over time with the step kids if there are already feelings of indifference?
For those who have actually broke up with a girlfriend or wife, and the stepchildren were part of the issue, did you actually say they were an issue? Her children aren’t the only issue but they are certainly on the list. Is it necessary to say it?
All that said, there isn’t a context where I will ever stay anywhere else for the time being. Years ago when my wife dropped the bomb that she wanted a divorce I was in the house (same house) for over two months before I could move out. It was difficult and we essentially stayed out of each other’s way but I feel the only way I’m leaving my house to live anywhere else is when I sell it. I know she’ll be hurt and upset and I feel like if I give her a two month window (plus moving expenses, couple month’s rent, ect…) that it's fair provided she doesn't do anything foolish like break my stuff. I can take it if she can take it because the issue ultimately isn’t with her as a human being. I'll never change on the topic of marriage and if I did it wouldn't be with her unfortunately.
I think when women walk into
I think when women walk into a relationship with stepkids, their maternal instincts take hold, or they wouldn't want to be judged as not having maternal instincts when they feel the way you do?
So.m they have visions of making a difference in a somewhat hectic and dysfunctional situation. Therefore, they stay too long and try to weather the storm.
Pretty soon, their so desparate for finding validation for their feelings on this, they find forums like this, to find advice and comfort, behind their words, so nobody can see their face! THe fear ofeven telling their closest friends, and eespecially DH will maybe find them in a place of more abuse for being judged as uncaring, selfish brats!
Your integrity shows in your thoughts!
It doesn't get better as they get older, as a matter of fact, in my situation, it only got worse.
With that being said.. your life with her will most likely get worse not better.
you will never be able to take charge and take over the raising of these kids who will always find ways to manipulate any situation, as you spend more and more energy in using the common sense approach to handling unruly kids..
Because it sounds like you have compassion and integrity, your mate obviously found a great catch!
Its going to be really hard for her to let you go.
your aporoach on this matter, is extremely ethical. Jump each hurdle as it comes, its not going to be easy, but you deserve a life of peace, and happiness, not a gloomy existence if you stay out of guilt! !
She will move on, and it may take time for her to "get it"
But, she deserves to know, and move on to hopefully find her soulmate..
Let her know why you feel this way , its better for her in the long run, that its not her, its her kids!
She can still at least feel worthy!!
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your response. I know that it’s very easy on an anonymous forum like this to find people who are in similar situations who can validate the feelings I already have. Yet, from reading a plethora of other posts on this board and your reply it’s clear to me that things in general get worse as children get older. I think I could deal with these kinds of changes if I actually loved the children to begin with. In my own experience with a former love interest it’s certainly possible for me to love another child as my own. I have in the past so I know I’m capable of it. It’s just not that way here and I think the kind of indifference I have toward them will ultimately be harmful. To be clear, I don’t do mean things. I’ll buy them birthday gifts, take all the kids to a restaurant, go places, take them to the park, ect….. If I buy my kids something like a piece of candy or dunkin donuts I’ll get them something as well. I guess my disappointment (in myself more than anything) is that I have tried to find that connection with them and it’s just not there and much of it has to do with how I’ve seen them treat their mother and act under my own roof. I had seen their outbursts before they moved in but I really thought it had to do with the stress of their previous living situation. I had said back then that if she ever moved in that kind of behavior would not fly. Well, it does fly but not because I want it to but because I don’t have any say in the matter under my own roof. There’s something wrong with that.
The kids are only part of the problem. The bigger issue is where I stand on the subject of marriage and knowing that ultimately a life with her and her children is not a life I want. I know this is not the forum for that kind of discussion so I’ll keep things on topic.
She’s a great woman but no, I can’t continue to live like this. Everyone has preconceived notions on how to parent the right way and our beliefs don’t fit. Again, thank you so much for your response.
Hey rockpyle. I wish I had
Hey rockpyle. I wish I had read your previous forum entry when it was first posted because you seem resolved in your opinion that this situation is not for you and is unrecoverable. I have a few kernels of insight, but nothing more. I am not here to change your opinion. My SS came into my life when he was around 6 years old. He exhibited all the signs and symptoms that you have described in your step daughters. I have learned that this is actually normal behavior for children of CPD's. They are frustrated by a situation that is out of their control and have no way of coping with that frustration. Their only avenue is to lash out emotionally.
If you couple this with the bio-parent enabling this behavior, it only gets worse. Believe me, I get it. I've been through what you are going through. I suppose I am lucky because my wife actually listens to me and I have "chosen my battles" so to speak. There are still things that my SS does that bother me and makes coming home difficult. I don't love my SS but I don't resent him either. I love my wife, but I often cannot fathom her overwhelming feeling of guilt when it comes to SS. She CONSTANTLY feels sorry for him whereas I do not feel - well - anything actally. However, I have two bios of my home and they are the only reasons why I rush home rather than delay my arrival. I love them deeply and I see how much they love SS and how much SS loves them, so it helps me cope.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I was fortunate enough to find a balance. You unfortunately, have not, and everything seems to be leaning towards your step-daughters. I think what struck me is when you said that you have love your GF but have lost respect for her. That's a tough place to be in. I would recommend councelling for you both but I think even a family councellor would tell you that it is too late.
Maybe she can go back to her sisters? I hope she has some options available to her, and if I were you, I would do my best to make sure she can stand on her own two feet out of respect for the love you have for her. I don't know about the entirety of your situation, but you may want to consult a lawyer too. Like others have said, you have an obligation to follow due process. You can't just shove a mate and her children to the curb.
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply.
I have not flat out said, “Your kids are horrible” but I have certainly said “Their behavior is disrespectful and unacceptable.” In the beginning there was a time where I discussed with her that I need an ability to discipline bad behavior because if I don’t there’s going to be a time where I get really angry and start yelling at them. So we had agreed that if I felt they were being out of line they would get a warning. If the behavior didn’t change they would lose TV/Internet priviledges for the night. After all, this is a benefit they have to living under my roof and not an entitlement. They would not get in trouble for different instances. For example, they act up in the morning I warn them but six hours later they act up again. They would not lose privileges for that as I gave them an opportunity to correct the behavior. This worked for about two weeks until my SO actually saw that I was sticking to my guns on this. Then it became “please don’t” or “I’ll handle this”. Of course, the children were back to riding roughshod over her as there was no *real* consequence for their actions. It’s been this way for about nine months until I finally had a blow up about it a few weeks ago (referenced in the link from my first post). Well, you could call it a laid back blow up. I’ve never yelled at her. It’s not my style.
Still, I’ve seen a troubling pattern here. I’ve seen how her sister has raised her daughters. If that’s a sign of things to come…..no way….I can’t do it….and based on many posts I’ve read on these forums by and large things do not change.
Thank you for your reply.
Thank you for your reply. Obviously the children aren’t the only issue. In fact, they’re probably not at the top of the list. She wants to be married but I suspect it’s for reasons that don’t necessarily have to do with love. Sure, she loves me but her love for me isn’t at the top of the list for wanting to get married I’m sure of it. I have zero desire to get married.
Thank you for your reply.
Thank you for your reply. Presumably you were living with your exSO and the step children. When you asked him to leave what was the process like? How was it handled? If it took a few weeks or months for him to go were the both of you able to tolerate each other while you both got your affairs in order? I’m really curious about how it ended for you.