Having 2nd thoughts!
To give you a bit of my background. I started dating my BF 5 months after I left my ex-husband. My BF had been divorced for a year and a half. He had gone through a nasty divorce and in was in the mist of one so we had a lot in common and a lot to talk about. He is a great guy and everything that my ex-husband was not.
I have 3 kids, BS11, BS7, BD23months. He has 4 kids, SD15, SS12, SD10, SS5. In the process of leaving his ex-wife and finding himself he also discovered that the religion that he belonged to was more like a cult and not how he wanted to live his life, so he left the church as well. Well as part of his nasty divorce he signed a decree that says he is not allowed to have the children stay the night in the same household as anyone of the opposite sex; unless it is his wife.
Well we have been together now a year and a half and are now living together and his his ex-wife is now convinced that he is the devil and will not allow the kids to spend the night at our home. She rarely lets the kids come with him when it is suppose to be his nights. There is always some kind of excuse. "the kids don't feel well" or "we have plans to see a movie." And he is only sceduled to see them for a couple hours on Wednesday and Saturdays. (Sundays are NEVER an option because of the religion)
I have read a lot of the forums on here about how the DH treats his own kids better than his Skids. I have experianced a little of that (especially with his 5 yr old) but my biggest problem is more that I feel like he excludes me and my kids from his kids. We live about 45 min away from his kids and he will make plans with them on his days to stay in their town and never brings them to our house. We don't get invited to their extra curriculars, ect.
I had my feeling hurt a couple of days ago because he was with his son at a basketball practice and had to take him to the ER (stomach problems) and didn't bother calling me to let me know anything until it was over and he was alone in the car on his way home. And then tonight found out that his son has to get his appendix removed and didn't bother asking me to come to the hospital with him. When I asked him if he wanted me to come he said "well let me find out what the plan is" and "If you have work to do I understand" And the BM BF was there... ???
He coaches his son in Football and Basketball. He has Football practice every night of the week except fridays and has a game every Saturday. So I don't get to see him often at all. So it does hurt my feeling when he doesn't bring the kids to our house. He says that they don't like the 45 min drive and that it will be better when we get married because they can stay the night. But I am not willing to jump into another marriage just because his ex requires it to let him have his kids. I feel like we need our kids to interact to make sure that this can work for EVERYONE. Please help?? I need advice!!
How he treats you and his
How he treats you and his children now will not change after a wedding - he is showing where you come in his life and quite frankly is that what you want and is the BM involved here what you want to put your kids through - I think you know the answer and I hope you really think about this before you go through with the wedding - this is not fair to your children or more importantly to yourself - you deserve better!!
I agree. He says all the
I agree. He says all the right things and I do believe that he does love me. I just think that he believes that he is doing the right thing by spending the little time that he does get with his kids alone. He is not considering my feelings. I told him in the begining of all of this that I never wanted to choose me over his kids... but I am finding that I at least need him to consider me.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. We have discussed the matter many times before. He says that he does bring the kids out... (and he does about once every 6 weeks or so) and he says that I am always invited and don't need to ask permission. But actions speak louder...
The hardest part about it all is that he treats me really well otherwise... When it is just me and him we get along great! He treats me like a queen up until his kids come into play. And I don't know what or if I have ever done to make him think that he has to.
You are right. My kids and I don't deserve it. I don't know how many more chances I should give him to change before I call it quits. I worry that I have already let it go on too long.
I just really love him. That is the problem.
Are you sure he expects this
Are you sure he expects this relationship to last? There has to be a reason he's keeping his kids away. He may have left the church, but that doesn't mean he doesn't agree with some of the values they teach.
Well he is pushing marriage
Well he is pushing marriage and says all the right things about how much he loves me and could never live without me. I think that its more that he expects to be on the back burner when he needs me.
He is showing you where you
He is showing you where you fit in to his life. You have a very hard road ahead of you with this many kids and ex's. Me, I would stop it now, before I got in too deep. I wish I could turn back and ended it with DH when I saw the same type of signs. But, I loved him and I was sure it could work. When he said out loud to my aunt that his kids will always come first, I should have believed him. I do believe I come second now, but after 6 years, I can live with it, because I have made sure he comes second to my son as well. But, if I could do it over again, I would not be with him. Thankfully it is better now, but the fall out was huge.
Seriously look at him and see if this is someone that values you and your relationship. If you can't say yes, it may be time to cut your losses and find someone who does.
Thank you for that. It is an
Thank you for that. It is an eye opener to hear from someone the is a little further along down the road. I think I am going to make one more attempt to talk to him and let him know that I am approaching a fork in the road and I am going to have to make a decision.
Kudos JsMom! Well said. I am
Kudos JsMom! Well said. I am dealing with almost the same type of situation and trying to decide if this is going to work. My BF and I even split for 6 months because of his ex and his kids.
Take a hard look at the situation and ask yourself is this really worth it and only you have the answer because it is so true they do NOT CHANGE after being married. The old saying "What you see is what you get" is very true.
Best of luck!