Feeling like a 3rd wheel
I have lived with my BF for over a year now. I have no children of my own, he has two from his ex-wife. They are wonderful girls. I love them so much. At first it was hard for me to find ways to bond with them or really even to know what to do, but we worked through it and now we have a great relationship. When I spend time alone with the girls its great! My BF is also great, he treats me well and we get along great - when we have alone time its wonderful.
The problem is when all 4 of us are together. I always end up being the outsider. Its those three and me. I know they have more of a bond, he's their daddy, and I don't want to change that. I just want to be let in.
My BF also contributes to the problem. He likes to tease and so do the girls (they are 9 and 6 by the way) Well eventually before our weekends are over I always here how I am not really family. Or my BF says things like, "she is family...well until she leaves me" I know he means it jokingly but it leaves the door open for the girls to not see me and accept me as family.
He also says, in front of the girls, "I can't side against my babies". Now when it comes to punishment or big stuff like that he stands by me but when it comes to things like what restaurant to pick, what movie to watch, where to go for the day...things like that..if the girls want to do one thing and I want to do something else he always, no matter what, sides with them. If the girls and I are teasing and playing around...he always takes their side against me.
When it comes to this issue my BF can't understand where I'm coming from. I have tried to talk to him about it. He says I am being too sensitive or that I cant take a joke. He tells me how much they all love me, and i know they do. I just feel like a 3rd wheel a lot of the time.
Is this something that all new blended families go through? How do we get through it? Am I being petty and whinny? Is this just my problem? And if not...how do I get my BF to understand and how do I fix it???
There isn't an easy fix
I understand exactly how you feel. My SD20 came back to live with us last year. I have to remind my husband regularly that I am actually family. It has taken a long time for us to get to a point where I am sometimes part of the family when the four of us are together. (My SD has a 10 month old daughter). I have to remind my husband often. My SD, I never say anything to her about it, but that is a little different I think your SDs are much younger.
You are not being petty and whiney - this hurts. It still tears me up. But - if you want to hang in there, you have to continue to address it with your BF. How about next time they bring it up as a "joke" ask them - what does family mean? See if you can get that conversation going. Is a a family a mom and a dad and children? Is it grandparents and aunts and uncles? Is a dog part of the family? Maybe that might help bring the kids onboard a little farther?
Hang in there. It sounds like you have something to build on.