Don't want kids to feel replaced
I am going to try to make this as short as possible.
My husband and I have been married since 2018. I got pregnant a month into our relationship and we decided to marry right away and now have a beautiful boy.
He has three other boys, two different mamas. I make the third mama. Red flag from the start but too late for that now. Things have been rocky and challeging but we are finally into a better routine and have a quality relationship.
His two older boys (17 and 15) live in a different state and his original custody agreement was to see them summers and holidays. My husband had them both when he was young (19/20, is now 36) and has made a lot of mistakes in regards to his relationship with them (NOTE: I will never defend the crap he has told me about he has done in the past as in not fighting for them enough,choosing work/time over them etc). His kids have decided in the last couple years, basically since we got married, that they do not want a relationship with him. They occasionally text him if they need soemthing (phone bill paid, etc) but they have no interest in responding to messages/calls/letters/visits.
I feel horrible about this, as my dad was not in my life and I feel their pain. I feel guilty like this is somehow my fault. I try to reach out to them often and never get a response. The 15 year old told me he hated me and I'm a b*tch the last time I reached out but wouldn't tell me what is causing him to feel this way or how I can help us have a better relationship. This also started bc my husband's sister and I got into an argument and I have refused to see them since as his sister basically told me she hopes my son hates me and is injured etc. She has kids so this is extremely disturbing for her to say. The 15 and 17 year old know about the fight, as his sister, told them all about it in attempts to have them "side" with her. It's an extremely toxic situation but the kids have decided their aunt is right and not to speak to me and their dad.
My husband tries everything to have a relationship with them but it's getting to a point that they no longer respond and he wants to respect their boundaries and just let them come to him. I support him on this, as this is what I would want if I was in their shoes.
But I feel guilty being married to my husband, having our son who he is an amazing dad for, and now I want more children. I do not want his older kids to feel his dad replaced them or that they matter less somehow. My husband tells me they won't feel this way but I have a hard time believing that.
Do I have kids or just keep trying to help my husband fix the relationship or is this relationship doomed? Am I the bad guy if I have another baby?
I don't want to continue to hurt his kids. They are good kids and I can understand where they are coming from but I also want more kids of my own and to not feel this guilt about wanting more kids and already having my son. I can't imagine how hurt his older boys must feel but my husband is trying so what else can I do here?
Has anyone else dealt with this?
Leave it alone. It's not your
Leave it alone. It's not your issue to fix. Concentrate on your son and have more children if you want. Can't let someone else's kids who hate you dictate your life.
The kids may feel this way.
The kids may feel this way. They may not. Bottom line, you can't control it. You have no clue what their BM might be telling them. Your DHs relationship with his kids is just that... HIS relationship. It's definitely not your responsibility and you can't control how it turns out either. Focus your time and energy on your little one.
DH and I have a 2 month old. SD11 is off and on with DH. I can't keep up when they are arguing or when things are alright between them. Keeping tabs on their relationship isn't my job though. I have a newborn to take care of & we are a family too.
This is not your
This is not your responsibility and it's not wanted on either side. You can force anyone to have a relationship. It seems the relationships were broken long before you were in the picture. His sister is a b*tch and working against you. My husband has a sister like this too that resents him for moving on with his life and takes it out on me like I'm the reason he made the choices he did before I was around.
Sometimes it's not even you, it's what you represent to people. A stepmother is a easy person to hate, when the person they really have beef with is your DH.
Dysfunctional will usually remain dysfunctional
When i met my husband, his daughters had disappeared with bio mum and ended contact the year prior.
we got married later and had 2 kids together and about 3.5 yrs into marriage (5.5 yrs after sd's ended contact and disappeared), they reconnected. Eldest sd was 21.5 and guilted her dad for marrying me and having 2 kids together.
they abandoned their dad and ceased contact but had no shame pocketing his cs money happily. They expected to treat daddy like shit and he lap it up without question and be waiting and pining for them. We don't treat him this way so its no surprise why he wasn't gonna put his life on hold for them and its bloody selfish of them
my husbands mentality now is they have their life and he has his. Skids don't control his life and shouldn't ever think they can!!
You can't fix something you
You can't fix something you didn't break and blaming you for your existence is just an excuse. If you weren't in the picture they would have a different excuse.
Kids inherently love Thier parents and want to be with them. If they don't Thier are deeper issues at play.
You acknowledged that your DH
You acknowledged that your DH made pretty bad parenting decisions in the past. Sometimes there is a high cost to the mistakes we make and being sorry may not be enough for the people we hurt. Not everything can be made right sadly. It's their right to heal and forgive in their own time.
But that really has nothing to do with you, it's solely on him. BM or evil aunt may be feeding the situation but ultimately it sounds like they have a problem with their dad because of his choices. You cannot will this to get better nor can he. When the kids are ready, when the pain and anger have mellowed, or when they decide they want some answers, they will reach out. Pushing just delays the healing.
You also said you know what it's like to not have a dad around, use that understanding to help your own children enjoy a stable family life. Don't use it to creat transference on to the SKs. Their feelings and experiences are their own.
Also don't put off having a happy family of your own because it may hypothetically upset some kids who may or may not be a part of your husbands life in the future. He may never have a good relationship with his kids, but he can still be a great dad to your child together. Focus on what you can do and let the rest play itself out. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about here. Enjoy your child and your life!
Best wishes.
Not your problem to solve or feel guilty about.
You can't care more than your SO does. That is the be all and end all of this situation.
Though your DH has made mistakes, if he does nothing different regarding demanding his time with his kids, nothing will change. This is not rocket science, brain surgery, or astro physics.
If your DH had a pair, he would be dragging BM into court on a contempt motion every time BM fails to deliver his sons per the CO. Lather, rinse, repeat.
He also needs to cut them off from all financial support other than CS and send them back to their mother when they contact him for money, to pay a bills, etc..... "I pay your mother $xxxx.xx per month. Get your money from her. You want something else from me, get your asses on a plane per the visitation schedule, come meet your brother, and make an effort."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
His message to them has to be "I love you , I want you in my life, but... I am your father and I will not be disrespected and neither will my wife. My COd time will be enforced and your mother will have to explain herself to a Judge every time she does not comply with my visitation schedule with you. Keep in mind that if you choose to not come per the CO, your mother will suffer. Grow up, be young men instead of babies, and we will all have the relationship we should have."
DH's testicular fortitude is critical to this.
You are his wife, you have to have his back, you need to be firm with him that he will respect himself or no one else will.
For damned sure DH needs to kick his sister's ass for her manipulative crap. Maybe not figuratively, for her, literally may be in order. She has wished hate and harm on his infant son and his wife. That bitch would be wimpering in the gutter when I got done with her for that crap if I were your DH.
smh
IMHO of course.
Good luck.