Don't know what to do

Forums:

So this is my first post so bare with me. I've been with my husband for 10 years. We have 4 daughters between us (mine are 16 and 12)(his are 21 and 16). When the kids were younger we got them revolving holidays and most of the summer (they lived out of state from us). For the past few years we see them less and less as they grow older and get jobs and such. This year was the first year we have had all the kids at our home for Christmas and my husband was over the moon. I was excited for him. Although his kids and I have never been particularly close we get along when they come to visit. I enjoy them...most of the time. His youngest ( the 16 years old) informed us this visit that she wants to be a boy and wants us to treat her as such. We told her we loved her and always would but that we could not support this as it's against everything we believe in and we consider it wrong. She spent the rest of the visit constantly shoving it in our face and making comments. Finally we had enough and told her to knock it off as we had already told her how we felt. We knew about it, we told her we loved her, but we were never going to accept it no matter how hard she tried to force her belief on us. Now she says she is not coming back since we won't accept her. Everytime his kids come to visit it has always been stressful and mentally and emotionally draining. This visit was no different. My husband said fine don't come back if you feel that way. And I agree with him. I don't feel like we did anything wrong...but other people in my SO family (who I have a very rocky relationship with) are upset with us. What gives???

But what good comes from not

But what good comes from not accepting it? The relationship with her will be strained, she (he) now has to live with the knowledge that she is not accepted by her own family, and the end result is still the same whether you "accept" it or not. No one wins. Nothing good comes from your way. You can not agree with it and still believe in your hearts it is wrong, while also accepting the things you cannot change, which in this case is your SD.

They are upset

with you because you are wrong. Just flat out wrong. And your husband is especially wrong as this is his child and he has essentially said that unless HE falls into a certain narrow-minded box then your husband doesn't care to have him around or love him (and yes, I am using him on purpose).

Look up the statistics for LBGTQ youth and suicide. Those suicides often stem from family actions just like those of you and your husband. Thankfully this child has other supportive family members.

Not cool

While I don't agree with OP's reaction to her Skid's announcement, I feel that blaming her for a possible suicide attempt is doubly low. Skid walked in, dropped a bomb for dramatic effect and then played off of the reaction they were hoping for. If the news had been the skid dropping out of school to bear children for a cult leader, outrage would have been justified. But because the skid chose the cause du jour, suddenly OP and her DH are demonized for not thinking it's a good idea. Nowhere in the post did she say they were disowning skid or hated skid, just that they don't support a 16 year old deciding to change genders on a whim. Sixteen year olds can't vote, can't drink, can't join the military.. mostly because they lack good reasoning skills. I can't tell you how many "lesbians" from my high school days are middle aged soccer moms celebrating their second decade of heterosexual marriage.

OP, you and your DH should have just nodded along, said "that's nice dear" and changed the subject. No one gets their feelings hurt and there's minimal drama.

No one

blamed the OP. I was pointing out a fact and also added that the child has supportive family members. Basically, he doesn't need his asshat absent father. There is no indication that this was on a whim. The OP fully admits that her husband is not an active parent so this could have been going on for quite some time and this was the first opportunity the child has had to speak to his father about it.

Dad did essentially disown the child when he made it clear that going outside of what dad finds acceptable is cause to no longer visit. A conversation with the child would have certainly been in order but declaring the child wrong is not a conversation.

DUP

my computer is being a PITA

I dont understand why you

I dont understand why you guys are bothering to fight it. Do you think accepting it means you're going to hell? Are you embarrassed by it? Just "it's against our beliefs" is pretty weak since it isn't you or you're decision. Also, I dont think he is really forcing his belief on you, hes not making you be transgender.

I wouldn't play

You don't have to cater to every ideation.

You don't have to accept it but you have to RESPECT it.

That's the same thing we tell skids that don't like a SP.

I'm in the same sex relationship so this hits me on the personal front.

we could not support this as it's against everything we believe in and we consider it wrong. Why would you say this? Are u kidding me?? I didn't realise I was attracted to men until I met my now soon to be husband ( I did have a girlfriend at the time)

He is going be going through a lot and normally parents are one of the main social support that kids that identify with the LGBQT community need. You and your husband probably already have done immense damage to your relationship with him already (yes I'm using him).

I left home when I was 17 and haven't spoken to my dad for 8 years due to being emotional abused my his late wife. We've started reconnecting after he sent me a apology letter. In it we wrote that he was happy that I found my fiancé and was glad that I was happy with him. He only ever saw me with girlfriends growing up. The fact that he supported me was a major factor that led to me reaching out to him (I was also missing him).

You feel that you didn't do anything wrong? Well apparently your in-laws are thinking the opposite and I have to agree with them

IMHO a choice like this is

IMHO a choice like this is all on the individual making it including the complete and total consequences of that choice. Which includes the opinion of those who are informed of that choice.

Gender Dysphoria is currently recognized as a physchological disorder. For some reason, as it is the cause du juor, suddenly it is expected that a mental disorder be accepted, fostered and facilitated rather than diagnosed and treated.

I believe that parents should seek Dx and treatment for their kids with this condition. As I understand it, that may include therapy, treatment by an endocrynologist, and potentially gender reassignment procedures.

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-ge...

My initial stance would likely be "That is your choice. However, you are my daughter . Have you sought counseling or other treatment for this epiphany? If not, lets get started so that you can be okay and get the help and support you need. We can work through this together."

If following an exerted treatment process she chose to transition... then my daughter would become my son. I would have to address those changes on a personal level and figure out what actions I would have to take and support I would need in order to support my child and be "okay" with that choice.

Not an easy announcement to hear I am sure.

It is my understanding that Gender Dysphoria is far different than being gay. My son is a gay man. His mom and I are very proud of the man of character and accomplishment that he is. Now I will throw the W word into the conversation. If there were something "wrong" with him, his mom and I would get him help and support him through treatment. Being gay is not a choice, it is a genetic fact. Just as being a Type 1 diabetic is a genetic fact. One I have dealt with 24/7 for 38 years. These are not things that someone believes in ... or not. They just are.

Gender Dysphoria is pshychological condition. However, choosing to transition is a choice. One that no minor is equiped to make. A parents job in this situation is to get their kid the help needed to deal with the situation. If my child were gender dysmorphic I would obtain the medical and psychological support needed to help that child while they are a child and prepare them to make their transition choice, either way, once they obtain self sufficient adulthood.

As with most emotionally difficult situations, my Engineer brain takes over and I tend to assess those situations from a logical perspective and keep emotion out of it until.... it is appropriate.

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