You are here

Disinterested in spending time with stepchildren

Jaffa123's picture

Anyone get to the point where they are just disinterested in spending time with their stepchildren? 6 y/o boy and 5 y/o girl. Boy has high level special needs so any outing is 100 times harder with him and the girl is a rude spoilt girl always throwing tantrums. We also have a newborn baby, but I don't think this is the reason for my feelings, as I've felt like this for months before she was born. I care about them, want them to do well and am happy to see my partner enjoy time with them and don't have an issue with my partner having them whenever he can because he does the work with them - cooks, gets them ready for bed etc. but I honestly can't be bothered spending time with them. Does this feeling pass? I can fake it currently somewhat but I don't have a poker face at the best of times and my partner is not stupid and will see through this sooner or later. Help. I don't want to be a miserable stepmum. I'm not miserable, like I said just completely disinterested. 

ESMOD's picture

I would not discount the hormones of being pregnant and post baby having an impact on your feelings.

But.. your Skids are quite young.. and you and your SO have created another child together that will be raised with them for a significant amount of time during it's formative years.  I would be expecting a bit more from your SO than just the care part. he has to RAISE his children to be decent people.

And.. you do have to accept that if you ARE married to him.. and have a child with a man with kids.. that you will be doing things as a family.. and if his son is special needs.. that may not simply be a matter of being poorly raised.. that may be the way he is.. and the kid cannot help it.. and being with your SO means you willl have to be able to be understanding of that.. in a way.. sucking it up.  Now.. if his son.. and especially his daughter have things your SO could be improving about their behavior.. to make them more likable.. to make them better role models for your baby.. you should be expecting that he do that hard work.. and no kids aren't perfect at that age.. but he should have the same expectations for his kids.. to the extent they are able to (his son's special needs considered).

If this boy had these needs prior to you becoming pregnant.. and at the age of his kids.. I'm not sure how you thought your home life would work logistically.. while you are not being expected to do the care for his kids.. they are part of your family unit.. so completely excluding spending any time with them is unrealistic unfortunately.. and that is something you would have known prior to having a baby.

I would advise seeing a DR to ensure you aren't having any hormonal/post partum issues.. that you might need help navigating.. because his kids deserve and your child deserves to be raised in a loving and inclusive home.. and that means both you and your sO will need to work to make that happen.  but it is very difficult to totally disengage from very young kids.

Harry's picture

You knew how his kids were before you married DH, and had a child with him.  You can vent, we all do it.  But you really can't change anything now. Its extremely unfair to DH, to married him have a child with him and be that unhappy with his kids.  You walked in with open eyes.   AND remember, you are only one BM new BF, car accident,  death. To have these kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year. 

Rags's picture

while the Skids are present. Let DH deal with them and care for them.   

Also, do not tolerate him not investing in his baby and in his bride.

The balance is not an easy one, but.... prior failed famly  children comply with the rules and situation in their parents new home, life, and family. Period. Dot.

If they are wll behaved, great, if not, that is on their bio parent to ensure that ill behaved non joint kids are not a detriment to a new mate, home, and joint kids.

IMHO of course.

Lillywy00's picture

Yes! Complete disinterest in step kids ESPECIALLY if their bio parents make it hard for you to connect/bond with them (ex. bio parents who let their kids bad behaviors go unchecked, don't appreciate you/compensate you for resources you pour into their kids, lazy and expect you to do all the work raising their kids)

Also having your own kids (especially as a new-mom) will absolutely change your priorities (whether you're consciously aware of it or not)