Confused and don't know who to belive
Yesterday, my husband was served with papers form the ex-wife; she wants sole custody of the kids. On the grounds that the kids hate me and don’t want to be alone with me, and that she doesn’t want me in their life.
Dad is away for work from Monday to Friday (the time alone with me) and they spend Wednesday and Thursday and every second weekend with us, as per the custody court order.
They are going through hard times due to the conflict between their parents but overall are really good kids: sweet, engaging, loving, helpful, and funny. When conflicts arise we talk about it and work through it. By conflicts I mean anything from forgetting to bring homework home, the odd fighting between siblings, consequences for inappropriate behaviour, sometimes not telling the truth, and how to deal with the biological mothers alarming behaviour. In short, she is and has been investigated for child abuse (physically and mentally) by Family Children Services (FCS) and police, they put in place a family care plan in for her and a social worker that checks in on her and the kids once a week. Family Children Services has stated and agrees that it is good for the kids to continue with the normal access times.
The biological mother now claims the kids tell her they hate me and don’t want to spend time alone with me and that the kids told FCS that. Dad says the kids like spending time with me and at our home. The kids have never said to me or my husband that they dislike me, hate me nor does their behaviour support Moms claims.
I really don’t know who to believe anymore or what to do to bring peace to our home. Please help me understand this.
honey why are u even worry,
honey why are u even worry, just because she said they hate you is not something is going to affect you legally or do any harm to you. I mean your husbands know how you are and who you are. and about you not seeing the kids if I was you I would be celebrating, they are not yours and you get all that time for u know, If I was you i would be happy not worry seriously
I would be so very happy if I
I would be so very happy if I were you. Believe me if this is starting now, you can sacrifice the rest of your life for these kids and eventually SHE WILL get them to turn on you…I would let it go. Whatever happens, happens.
PS then you will have the PLEASURE of when SHE needs you to take care of them and believe me, SHE WILL one day, to say "nope, can't do it, they're afraid of me"…I know, something similar happened to me. Ex accusing me of being mean to loser, of loser being afraid of me, blah, blah, blah…it was all a ploy to get DH to leave me…eventually she NEEDED me to take care of her kid while DH was at work because well, she had plans…it was great to say to DH "nope, sorry, can't do it…I will NOT be alone with a kid that is afraid of me"…and yes, sucks to be you crazy witch BM!
^I was thinking this exact
^I was thinking this exact same thing.
I refuse to be DH and BM's babysitter. Not my problem.
If Dad was out of town
If Dad was out of town Mon-Fri I know my ass wouldn't be keeping the skids. They could stay with BM until he was back in town. You are his wife, not a nanny! Be glad BM wants to take them off your hands and enjoy your free time. I know I would be jumping for joy!
Dad is away for work from
Dad is away for work from Monday to Friday. The custody order states that the kids are with him on week 1 from Wed after school until Friday morning before school, and week 2 from Wed after school until Sunday night when they return to Mom. Children Protective Services requested that the children stayed on the same access schedual because of the things going on at their mothers home and the ongoing investigation on her. Husbands lawyer confirmed that he can assign a care giver for short periods of time when he is not available.
Definitely get family
Definitely get family services involved. Tell Daddy that he is to remind Mama that the kids will be required to testify in court as to what she claims. That should be done verbally, no email or text's from now on so nothing is reproduce-able on paper. Of course she is free to do so but all responses are verbal from him to her. Don't make a big deal about it Daddy just casually respond via voice.
I don't think the ones complaining about you taking care of the kids understand that the kids have a whacko mother and that they're not the step-monsters they're dealing with. Some people in their misery would have you start WW III over every dropped fork until the kids are moved back with Mommy. Now I truly wish they could get their way but obviously your situation does not mirror theirs. Ignore their suggestions to get out of the battle. You two are doing what is best for the kids.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your time and replies.
Last night, after SS went to bed he got up because he couldn't sleep and didn't feel right about the things BM has been telling him.
SS stated that BM once again offered him a lawyer. SS said no. However, BM kept pushing for it and told SS that he needed it in order to have an opinion and not to have come to our house anymore so he could live with only her. She is telling him that he has to make a choice about which parent he is going to live with. According to SS this has been going on for a long time.
Furthermore, SS stated that BM is coaching him and his sister on what to say to Family Children Services, schools, councillors and the Courts because she doesn't want to look bad, and that all of them are going to take the kids away away from her.
SD cried inconsolably on and off through the afternoon and evening, we comforted her until she felt at sleep crying. She kept repeating, "I can't take it anymore, what Mom is doing", "She played me to hurt you", "I'm sorry; I don't want to hurt you". SD blames herself for BM telling her to do bad things to make us get mad at SD, so BM can use it against us with Family Children Services and in court.
Week after week we spend our time providing the kids with a stable environment, looking after their best interest, and undoing the damage BM causes the kids while with her. We encourage the kids to have a positive relationship with both parents and extended family. When the kids question BM's integrity and character and ask, “Why is Mom a bad person?” We continuously explain to the kids that BM loves them, that she is not a bad person, that sometimes adults make poor choices, and that they are only responsible for their own actions and feelings and not their moms. It is absolutely heartbreaking for the kids and seen them go through this.
The kids continue to experience psychological and verbal whiplashes from BM. Her destructive actions and choices are stealing the kids childhood, identities and future. Family Children Services are investigating her and know all this but keep giving her second chances. Why? How much longer is BM going to be allowed to continue to harm the children?
Are we doing right by the kids?What else can we do for the kids?
Please help us.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Thank you, just ordered it
Thank you, just ordered it through the family center.
Sorry guys, I have to vent,
Sorry guys, I have to vent, it feels like my head is going to explode, and my heart is going to jump out of my chest.
Just got in from the kids school, in short the BM told the kids she was going to kill herself. According to the principal the kids were worried that they would get to BM house and find her dead on the floor and told their teachers. School called Family Children Services, they showed up and spoke to the kids.
Dad and I arrived to the school as the kids were having the FCS interview. After speaking to the teachers and principal, we asked if anyone had called or checked on BM. We had to ask the local police to conduct a welfare check on BM. They showed up at her house with Family Children Services and BM said that the kids missunderstood her and made it all up.
The kids are really upset and keep telling us and the school that they are telling the truth, and that this is not the first time BM has said that.
Family Chidren Services (FCS) said that because BM looked ok and said she is ok, that the kids are not in any danger and there is nothing FCS can do about it.
On top of that a few minutes ago she called raging that since we spoke to FCS and the police, and they showed up at her house;
1. She is going to access my medical record to get dirt on me.
2. Then she called the police on us because apparently we stole her house key and she doesn't feel safe.
3.She kept yelling that she is the only one that will ever have kids with my husband, for me not ever forget that and hopes that we loose our pregnency. And, she is going whatever it takes to keep my husband and I apart and away from the kids.
In my eyes her behaviour is alarming and absolutely crazy. This ongoing drama is having detrimental effects on the kids.
I can't help but worry about the kids, and about her statment about our pregnency.
Has anyone going through a similar situation? And how did you deal with it?
Just a note on recording the
Just a note on recording the conversations - check out your state laws (you can google it). A lot of states have "single party consent", meaning as long as one person (you) knows that the conversation is being recorded then it is legally admissible. If you do live in a single party consent state, definitely record all conversations with her! Save every email and text as well, and take it to a judge.
Why would give the BM this
Why would give the BM this much space in your head or give a flying rat's ass what she thinks? Go with what you know. The Skids are cared for and safe in your home and BM gets no say and has no right to dictate or interfere in the time your Skids spend in your home.
Time for DH to kick off the destroy the BM campaign and do whatever it takes to neutralize her influence beyond her own time with his children.
I have no use for blended family opposition that has no interest but to manipulate and interfere.
As for recording all of the calls from BM ... absolutely. If your state allows you to record your own conversations without notifying any other party to the call. You can also put a preface message on your phone to inform anyone calling that all calls may be recorded. Then you should be covered in any state. Talk to your attorney to be sure.
There is nothing quite as enjoyable as responding to the toxic blended family opposition with "So, you did not say XYZ and LMNOP? Really? Hmmm? (CLICK while hitting the play button) on X/XX/XXXX at XX:XX time you did not say this? Funny, I could swear you called me and ranted about that very thing and this is a recording of that conversation."
We lived in TX for much of our time under my Skid's Custody/Visitation/Support CO and recorded every call they made to our home, saved every scrap of documentation. We used the Sperm Clan's own toxic crap to bare their asses repeatedly and effectively during our CO governed life.
Own her ass. I would if I were you and your DH.
Good luck.
OMG, the kids keep telling us
OMG, the kids keep telling us about BMs inappropriate behaviours, we reported it to Family Children Services (FCS) they do absolutely nothing about it. The latest; We worked with FCS to put a Family Plan in place in order for BM to respect the boundaries and do what is best for the kids. BM is not respecting any of it. A few days ago the kids had a school trip that required them to have health cards, in case there was a hospital visit, etc. The school board won't allow the kids on fieldtrips without the health cards. We asked BM for the cards, she refused. Later on during a gymnastic practise she showed up and threw the cards at me in front of the kids, I refused to pick them up and walked away. She followed us yelling that I would live to regret it. DH managed to get the kids in the car, but by now she was blocking my way to the car. I walked in the opposite direction to get away from her and to get her out of the kids view. She then threw the cards on the ground and stepped on them. I managed to get away and get in the car, BM jumped in front of the car, smiled, pointed at the health cards and threw them in a puddle and walked away. We drove home consoling the kids. The next day we got a call form the school because the schools is upset that BM is putting them and students in the middle. BM used one of the kids friends, a nine year old, to deliver the cards and messages, SS gave it back to the school because he didn’t want to be a messenger for his mother. Later on SD told us that BM is telling her that she has to say and do things to us that will make us mad, so that BM can use it in court against us. We reported it all to FCS, yet they do nothing about it. They said that BM is saying the same things about us, and it is a he said, she said situation. Today we received a letter from BM lawyer that accuses us of doing all the things she is doing. WTF?! What do we do? Has anyone gone through this before? This is absolutely insane.
Dad should request that a GAL
Dad should request that a GAL be appointed for the children.
You have a video camera on
You have a video camera on your smart phone. Use it. BM can't argue or contest what you record of her behavior on video.
Oh Honey.... First, She lives
Oh Honey....
First, She lives in Canada guys, So, according to Google, all of Canada is a "One party recording". If you have an android phone, for sure look for an App that records phone calls. Text messages you can upload to the computer as picture files. I agree with discretely recording the children when they break down over this. Same with the detailed letters from the school and anyone else involved with the "Suicide attempt".
Continuing with that, emotionally you and hubby need to continue being the kids emotional rocks. I highly suggest you start some rituals at your house on your time, to give them even more "emotionally safe structure". Like...even silly things, like you and the daughter take off each other's shoes and rub each others feet and then give each other pedicures...say a few times a week? Some nice bonding time. My Mama and I used to do that often and I really enjoyed it.
Maybe with the son, you and him need to do something like my PaPa and I used to do. He would get me up really early in the am (Okay it was like 6, but thats early to an 8 year old) and we would share a bag of milano cookies while he drank coffee and I drank chocolate milk.
This is the kind of thing they need right now. Emotionally fulfilling and safe rituals with you and Dad, but I would almost especially say with you, since BM is trying so hard to turn them against you.
Oh how my heart bleeds for
Oh how my heart bleeds for you. My BF/Fiancé’s children have done the same type of thing to me as well. I have unfortunately learned that when my BF was telling me they liked me, it was all BS, and just to keep the peace. I also learned that they do tell their BM that they hate me, and make up lies, as I have seen the text messages about me on my BF's phone. Despite the fact that he tells me different. But their cries for help could be for a reason, as you know.
I feel terrible for you that you are stuck in this tangled web. Sometimes children do lie to keep peace with whomever they are with at the time. I know for a fact that my BF has also called Child protective services on his ex-wife, etc due to her incompetency as a parent, her drinking and drug habit, and leaving her 4 children all under 15 at home alone for days on end-hence the reason why they are at my home making my life miserable all the time, despite the custody arrangement set up by the court. (Yet their BF is never around, and I am left to watch these kids, in between working full time and raising my BS).
I know this must be so hard for you and your hubby, and I send my prayers and happy thoughts to you and your family!
Your BM sounds a lot like
Your BM sounds a lot like ours. Ours has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Luckily for us, she doesn't go to the court all that often, because she really doesn't want the responsibility of raising them. We found out that she was also getting the kids to say they wanted to live with her (not to tell a court, but for her ego). They told us years later that they told her that because they didn't want to suffer any physical or verbal abuse. She also accuses people of doing stuff that only she has done. She told SD14 that she pretty much has no reason to live since they didn't want to see her anymore. SD14 took that as a suicide threat and said she's said stuff like that before. However, BM is wayyyyy too narcissistic to kill herself.
We also called CPS on her and they did absolutely nothing even though the kids told them about all the physical and mental abuse against them and their mother's partners. My advice for you to is to record, record, record and fight this in court. It doesn't matter what she says about you, it matters about keeping them away from her. She's crazy.
She wants that child support
She wants that child support money.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your comments, it is helpful and I don't feel so alone.
The latest developments;
BM is at work and the kids are alone at home doing nothing, they told us that they would like to go to day camp because they are bored and want to make new friends that are not connected with BM. This is because BM badmouths us to their friends parents, says awful things about us which result in the kids parents not wanting their own kids to come over to our home. Everything was agreed via lawyers, we paid for the day camp so the kids could go as we do every summer. BM is now refusing them to go when they are with her and she is at work, but put them on a different camp for them to attend while they are with us. She told the kids that this way she will have something to hang over our heads in court.
Last week during the custody exchange, she stood on the other side of a busy street, screaming for the kids to run to her and yelling insults at us. The kids wouldn’t let go of our hands, we calmed them down and crossed the street with them. BM continued to lash out at the kids because they didn’t do as she told them and badmouths us to them. She shoved them in the car and proceeded to follow us around town. It is heartbreaking to see the kids in such a bad situation.
BM is again refusing to let the kids bring their belongings to our home, or to drive them to the third party exchange location. She has threatened the kids that if they disobey her, she will get mad, punish them and ground them. SS said that she doesn’t want to make BM angry because he doesn’t know what she would do and is scare.
BM finally signed a consent form to allow the younger SD to go for counselling, l lawyers, doctors and CPS had to get involved to achieve it. The CPS counselling after meeting with her is refusing to provide services to the kids. Why? Because they know she is not onboard with it, and they don’t want to waist their time when one of the parents is not going to support the counselling or child.
BM is once again not following the custody agreement and changes the drop off times and location for the kids, when they are coming to our home, as she feels like it.
We inform Children Protection Services (CPS) about every incident; they put a family service plan in place to help the situation that BM doesn’t follow . CPS keeps giving BM second chances, and nothing improves. In fact, the situation continues to deteriorate. It feels as CPS is completely useless and is not doing anything to help the kids. It shouldn’t be this hard to get the kids help, they deserve much better.
In August we are going back to court because she filed a motion for full custody of the kids. We currently have 50/50 custody.
WTF!?! I’m so frustrated that I want to scream.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your comments, it is helpful and I don't feel so alone.
The latest developments;
BM is at work and the kids are alone at home doing nothing, they told us that they would like to go to day camp because they are bored and want to make new friends that are not connected with BM. This is because BM badmouths us to their friends parents, says awful things about us which result in the kids parents not wanting their own kids to come over to our home. Everything was agreed via lawyers, we paid for the day camp so the kids could go as we do every summer. BM is now refusing them to go when they are with her and she is at work, but put them on a different camp for them to attend while they are with us. She told the kids that this way she will have something to hang over our heads in court.
Last week during the custody exchange, she stood on the other side of a busy street, screaming for the kids to run to her and yelling insults at us. The kids wouldn’t let go of our hands, we calmed them down and crossed the street with them. BM continued to lash out at the kids because they didn’t do as she told them and badmouths us to them. She shoved them in the car and proceeded to follow us around town. It is heartbreaking to see the kids in such a bad situation.
BM is again refusing to let the kids bring their belongings to our home, or to drive them to the third party exchange location. She has threatened the kids that if they disobey her, she will get mad, punish them and ground them. SS said that she doesn’t want to make BM angry because he doesn’t know what she would do and is scare.
BM finally signed a consent form to allow the younger SD to go for counselling, l lawyers, doctors and CPS had to get involved to achieve it. The CPS counselling after meeting with her is refusing to provide services to the kids. Why? Because they know she is not onboard with it, and they don’t want to waist their time when one of the parents is not going to support the counselling or child.
BM is once again not following the custody agreement and changes the drop off times and location for the kids, when they are coming to our home, as she feels like it.
We inform Children Protection Services (CPS) about every incident; they put a family service plan in place to help the situation that BM doesn’t follow . CPS keeps giving BM second chances, and nothing improves. In fact, the situation continues to deteriorate. It feels as CPS is completely useless and is not doing anything to help the kids. It shouldn’t be this hard to get the kids help.
In August we are going back to court because she filed a motion for full custody of the kids. We have 50/50 custody.
WTF!?! I’m so frustrated that I want to scream.