Boyfriend jealous HIS kids like me
Hi folks, I just joined up because I looked everywhere for an answer to this one and I couldn't find one. I thought I couldn't be the only one who has ever experienced this: my boyfriend is jealous that his kids really like me now.
My daughter, 16, and I moved in with my boyfriend and his two daughters, 8 and 11 about a month ago. We had been together for about eight months prior to our move in. During the time we weren't living together, his children were quite jealous of the attention he paid to me. They cried, forbade him to display affection to me when we were together, clung to him, etc. I told myself, well, that's their problem and I'll just keep being nice to them because eventually they'll come around. I realized that they didn't know the benefits of having me/an adult female around because they'd been living almost exclusively with their dad for about four years. He is very doting, extremely caring, and even somewhat enabling. While this was sometimes upsetting, it didn't get me crazy mad because I have sort of been in his position before - I was married to a man who took on my daughter. I absolutely hated it when he tried to dictate how my relationship with my own child should be. I didn't want to be that person, so I made no demands of my boyfriend and just chilled (most of the time).
Well, after a few rough patches, they DID come around very shortly after I moved in. I left my girly stuff on my dresser, put hot shoes in my portion of the closet, and did the girly stuff that women do. They were thrilled. I came home and one sniff confirmed my perfumes had been sprayed. Without accusing an individual, I took them on a "perfume tour" and told them which ones were expensive, which ones they were welcome to spray at random, and I gave them one bottle to share. Problem solved. I cook dinner for them - something their dad does out of boxes most of the time, but that I have always very much enjoyed doing more elaborately. They enjoy helping me. I take them places, which is something their dad hardly ever does, mostly because he seems to have a lower energy level than I do. I curl and straighten their hair. One night we played with make-up, something I always wanted to do with my own tomboy daughter but never could.
In short, I always wanted more kids and suddenly I found them. I am delighted. And suddenly they realized they actually enjoy having me around. I realize this may change when our "honeymoon" period is over. So what is the problem? HIM. He seems jealous of my budding relationship with his children. Not too much just now, but I would really like to cut this situation off at the pass. I think he took pride in doing everything for them that he could, and in how close they were to him. He thought he was taking me in for HIM, and I think he didn't realize that, for his kids, life would suddenly not be all about him anymore.
I love this man. I realize he has flaws, but so do I. I love my child and she seems quite happy here - though she thinks my boyfriend is the most boring creature on the planet. I want to go from liking to loving his children, and I think that is possible, though I know I will never replace their BM. I am afraid, though, that he is going to stand in the way, which feels super weird. Frankly, I think his kids actually need me. They just never knew it before.
Please advise!
Maybe you and the three girls
Maybe you and the three girls could do extra things to make him feel cared about. I would guess he feels displaced, and maybe like his efforts in the past weren't good enough. You are assuming the role (or part of the role) that was his alone for a long time. You just moved in. Maybe there are things about having two more people in the house that are bothering him, and he hasn't communicated that to you. He could be worrying that his babies are growing up too fast.
I could speculate all day. But it would be a lot more efficient for you to just ask him about his feelings.
"I think his kids actually
"I think his kids actually need me. They just never knew it before." Wow, how wonderful! I'm so glad to read on here a happy story of how the SM was able to bond with her stepchildren.
I like how you turned the perfume incident into a bonding experience for you and your BF's girls. Great job!
I agree with nothinforya that maybe your BF is feeling displaced. Maybe he feels that now you are stepping in to do girly things with his daughters that they won't need him as much. Maybe there is a little bit of selfishness on his part, that now there is another important adult in his daughters' life and it's not him.
While you are starting to do girly things with your BF's daughters, maybe you can find something that only your BF can do for his girls, that he's really good at. Men like to feel needed and like to fix things. What are your BF's strengths? For example, if he's good at helping his girls with their homework, play on that. Say to him "Honey, can you help your daughter with this math homework? You are so good at this sort of thing, and I just can't get it. We REALLY need your help."
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little with the damsel in distress bit, but you get the idea!
When DH and I first got
When DH and I first got together, he really really pushed his kids on me, especially SD whose mother openly didn't want her. I was reluctant at first. DH was unhappy about that.
I also have 2 daughters, and I didn't want them to feel replaced either, SD and my oldest BD are the same age. So after a little, I realized that my BD wasn't feeling displaced at all, SD and began to form a relationship.
Well, you'd think DH would be happy about it - complete opposite, the closer SD and I got, the more DH I guess got jealous and lets not mention BM, I don't want her but you can't have her 100% from that bitch. So as I watched SD being yanked back and forth, I just backed off, SD and I do ok but its a distant civil relationship.
As for DH and SS, well nothing I did was 'good enough' where SS was concerned, DH would be shoving him on me one second and yanking him back the next because he wasn't my son and I had no say - so I put an end to that shit fast and disengaged completely.
If you can shield the kids and maintain the relationship go for it, I think my DH was threatened that SD might 'like me more' than him for some insecure reason.
Well, I had this problem w/
Well, I had this problem w/ my DH and my daughter, sorta. Thing is, he just thought I was jealous. I was spitting mad all the time. I'm sure he thought she liked him better because he did cool things with her (he did and still does), but the real issue was that he was actively removing my authority in my own home over my own child.
I don't know that this is the case for you as all we know is what you tell us, but my advice is to examine your actions.
-Do you undermine him? Like he says no snacks before dinner, but you sneak them each an apple.
-Do you coddle after a punishment? Maybe he, too, smelled perfume and got onto them for it and told them *NOT* to do it again. Then you came in and told them they could, hugs all around, and dad looks like an ass hole for trying to stick up for you.
-Do you make rules optional so long as your are involved in the breaking? This was a huge one for me. One of my big rules in the house is no rough housing in-doors. One of the mostly commonly used punishments I used to have was taking away t.v. and other technology privileges. DH would rough house w/ DD and when I'd say something, it was, it's ok, she's doing it with me. I'd often find her, while grounded, watching t.v. w/ DH; again, I'd get, it's ok, she's watching it with me.
It was beyond infuriating. Arguments lead no where. His go-to excuse/defense was that I was just jealous. I was ready to leave him after almost two years of having my authority systematically stripped from me. Then he deployed, and all hell broke loose with DD. He can see now how his actions were an enormous negative contribution, and we are now on the same page.
Again, not saying this is your specific situation, just be cautious before jumping to the conclusion that he's jealous.
Thank you guys, for the
Thank you guys, for the advice and admonition to look at my own actions.
I don't think I am usurping his authority, but when I look closely I DO see that I am treading on his role and I need to watch it or make sure he's included. Here's an example: His 11-year-old told him she did poorly on a spelling test and asked if he could help her while I was in the room. He said he would help her tomorrow. Now, I was a staff writer for a newspaper for 10 years and am now in law school - I got this this spelling shit DOWN, man! So I piped up and told her that I thought I could help. Clearly, I intruded and my help wasn't requested, so maybe it wasn't my place even though I know for a fact he's not a great speller. It was his thing, his duty, his role. They always do this stuff together and I stuck my face into it. On the other hand, sometimes he just doesn't have the energy to do stuff that I feel totally up to doing...or he chooses not to do something and asks me to do it - like taking the girls away from our apartment while we set off a flea bomb. He didn't go along because he wanted some alone time. We rocked that mall! And they totally spent their own money, too. I was no treat provider. I think those of you who pointed out that he may feel excluded are completely right, especially when it comes to the girly stuff. He mentioned that he thought he was doing a pretty good job before and didn't realize they had needs he wasn't fulfilling. That's what made me think he was jealous. I still think he is a little, but I also realize maybe I need to back off sometimes, and just because I feel like having a (very tame) party with us four girls doesn't mean I should even if I know they'd enjoy it, because SKID's dad needs to feel like he's included too. Thank you so much for your help!