Blending families: what do to about different rules/decisions
I'm moving in with my fiance in February. We both have daughters, mine 10, hers 9.
I need some advice/links/pointers/etc. to help me understand how to answer multiple questions in the same topic: what do you do when you and your SO have different approaches to tactical issues. For instance:
* I give allowance to my daughter, she doesn't to hers
* I believe a kid should pay for their own car insurance to give them a sense of responsibility that is the great responsibility of driving. She doesn't.
* I believe in kids should do many more chores than she does.
How do y'all suggest coming to some sort of resolution that is something other than a "two teams" approach? My concern with doing it that way is that my daughter, given a lot more expections/requirements/work will feel like she's getting shafted. And I'm sure that creates all kinds of resentments about coming to my house for the long term.
Any advice?
I'm going to have to agree
I'm going to have to agree with sheldonsbiggestfan, why move in together?
It is really hard to blend families, especially when parenting styles are so different. Because it WILL cause resentments and those resentments can be detrimental to relationships, not only between you and your SO, but between you and your daughter. Is it worth it?
I have no kids and my DH only had his daughter EOWE, but he told me time and time again that had he had full or 50/50 custody, we would not have lived together (we started dating when she was 5). And I would have been fine with that.
I believe that adults have a right to live their lives and to have some happiness. I also believe that some sacrifices have to made when you have kids.
Please get on the same page
Please get on the same page prior to moving in. Go see a counselor maybe.
Frankly, you're going to be
Frankly, you're going to be miserable. It's not that your daughter will have more than her step-sister. The step-sister is likely to have more. But your daughter will have to work for it while the other little girl stands in a giant waterfall of free-flowing goods and materiel raining down upon her entitled little head. There is likely to be unbearable tension between the two girls.
You will be left with the choice of continuing to do the right thing by your own child and risking her build layers and layers of resentments toward not only step-sister but also stepmom and definitely you. The other choice would be to raise 2 girls the way your wife is raising hers and you will have 2 horrible young ladies who have very little concern for you, if any, anyway. Probably won't avoid the layers of resentment, either.
My advice is make other arrangements for living in January, assuming your lease is up then. You don't have to break up with this woman but you need to do some hard work on getting on the same parenting page with her. Take a parenting class together as a couple activity and see how that goes.
Or just never live together till both girls launch. You may have a long wait since the woman's daughter, from what you've posted here, is gonna take a loooong time. Ask us how we know.
I hate to say it this way,
I hate to say it this way, but I have NEVER seen a marriage survive where the partners had different parenting styles (who didn't compromise with each other and meet in the middle.) Two of these crash and burn marriages were intact families without the extra burden of step life. Please please please be very certain that the two of you can make this work before you attempt to have two different rules under the same roof.
There are couples who've made it work. It's not impossible. But like ChiefGrownup said it will likely be a long, ugly road.
Simply tell your daughter,
Simply tell your daughter, I'm your parent DW not, thus I will raise you as I see fit.
You and DW have different parenting styles, either you accept it or you move on, why do I say this easy, SO has a daughter and I have a son, we have different parenting styles, I'm like you and SO is like your DW....
I always told my son, this is how I raise you, I do not care about how SO treats his daughter, I'm your mother and I say this... suck it up buttercup, life might not always seem fair to you, I give a damn....
Now years down the line, Deigma will tell me, thank you mum, I get it now... he's 20.... Aergia is 17 and well she's a nightmare, SO is getting tired and wants me to help him, I laugh and say - sorry dude, you raised your kid this way, you deal with it, 12 years ago you did not want to take my advice, not my problem....
I think this is really great.
I think this is really great. Just super.
It seems so rare, though, that a parent can be that firm and clear and at the same time positive. Applause!
Now, if OP can really do this and if the BM of his own daughter isn't super evil and the girlfriend and her daughter.....well, there's a lot of moving parts. I hope he can do it. That would be great.
I don't mean to be a downer
I don't mean to be a downer but different parenting styles were the main reason that we fought. It contributed greatly to our family NOT BLENDING. It didn't work. They are moving out. And I couldn't be happier.
I think that you should not
I think that you should not expose your own kid to the failed parenting style of your SO. You have not made the mistake of moving in yet.... so don't.
The main reason why my bride and I have been married for 22+ years successfully in a blended family situation is that we are very well aligned on parenting and on dealing with blended and extended family drama. I would forego moving in until you and our FDW are aligned accordingly. If you can't align... then don't go forward with the relationship.