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Blended Family / Step Son Has a school event coming up and only wants Bio Mom and Bio Dad to go to

101Stepmom101's picture

Blended Family / Step Son Has a school event coming up and ONLY wants Bio Mom and Bio Dad to go to. I have a problem with this...
Just the 1st one. After the 1st one he said everyone can go (Step mom, step dad... step brothers and sisters). He is 12. Bio Dad asked why he is requesting this and he has no answer. Both his dad and I (Step mom) feel this is a request from pressure from his Bio mom.

Bio mom has never and refuses to meet me. Has all these crazy rules with the kids only being able to be alone with me for 2 hours even thought with the court it right to refuse is 4 hours. The kids are not allowed to go to the store with me alone without my husband. I'm not allowed to take them to school or pick or drop them off to her. I have tried saying hello to her and she just ignores me or has actually told me not to speak.

Which is what it is. It causes stress with the kids and all of us.

My thoughts are that we should not let a 12 year old dictate life. I don't want him overthinking mom and dad back together again. I think we all Both families should go to these events for the kids to show our love and support. Bio mom is saying it is forcing step mom in his life. Which is not right or fair to anyone. I am step mom I should be there to support my step children in their activities along side my husband.


sunshinex's picture

Stop trying so hard. Why don't you just leave the kids alone? Tell your husband there's too much drama surrounding you having a relationship with his kids so you're stepping back. Why are you pushing this so much? She doesn't want you in her kids life, and yeah, that's shitty, but you either disengage or leave entirely. If the kid's mother is this adamant about it, it's not long before the kids start resenting you from causing their mother to get upset with them.

Enjoy being your husband's wife instead of a stepmom.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Stepdad can't go either, right? As in BM's husband?

I think this is a tough place to be in. If the kid wants to care about you but can't because BM would be mad, I think it's okay to let him know that you won't go but it really hurts your feelings.

Never too young for a child to start learning empathy.

Also, does everything that apply to you apply to his stepdad? If not, I'd start pushing that. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

confused1807's picture

Hi 101,

I am in a similar boat with regards to not being invited to a school event. My stepdaughter 11, has a big dance gig at a really famous venue next Friday. Her mum , her mum's boyfriend, my husband, her brother, her grandparents are invited but I am not. I understand how frustrating it is, but disengage. I feel like the more energy and encouragement you put into their lives the more they draw back. Do something fun that night. Go out with your friends, go dancing, go for dinner, go to the cinema. That's what I am gonna do. I am gonna go a bar in the city and let my hair done. Much better than sitting with them stuffy and boring bastards! Smile

You are fighting a loosing battle like Sunshine says enjoy being his wife instead of the stepmom. You can never win anyways .

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I have a huge problem with this. Where are your husband's balls that he allows you to be excluded but BM's boyfriend can attend?

Peridwen's picture

Is it possible he's nervous since it sounds like he doesn't even want his own full siblings to go? JUST Mom & Dad, no one else is how I'm reading that request. And honestly I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Sure I'd be hurt too, but he's not excluding YOU and YOU alone.

It really doesn't matter if it's pressure from Mom. Why put the kid in an awkward spot? When SD11 had her first dance recital, she told me her mom didn't want me there. At the time, DH and I were funding dance 100%. So I just told her ok, I'll watch the recital with you when we get the DVD of it at home. On the inside it burned me up because I was the one who pushed DH into getting SD into dance since she loved it so, and WE were the ones paying for it. But I wasn't going to let BM turn it into a pissing contest and I sure as hell didn't let it show to SD. After the next placement period when SD came back to our house, she asked me to go to the recital because 'I talked to Mom and told her I wanted you there.' Which I interpreted as BM didn't get the reaction she wanted from me, so decided to play the magnanimous mother sharing her child.

So take some pressure off the kid and let it go. If it's some sort of special event ask the kid if he'd like to tell you about it when he gets back. Then you have shown you are interested in his life without being pushy and without adding to the pressure on him if BM is behind this.

101Stepmom101's picture

Also ~ My step daughter went to the ER and Bio mom told DH if he showed up at the hospital with me ~ that she would not allow him to see their daughter at the hospital. I think it's BS!
I was not the cause of their their divorce and she has remarried and had other children with his Best Friend. (At the time) ~ and They had an affair for years. We met long after.

I did stayed home from the Hospital ~ to avoid any drama. But, Again I don't want the kids to think I don't care about them and their events.

101Stepmom101's picture

The Bio Mom also sends my husband selfies of herself via text. Which my husband has told her verbally and via text to not do that and He has no interest in seeing pictures of her.

101Stepmom101's picture

DH won't. She told him she won't use it. and they would have no communication about the children.

101Stepmom101's picture

Not naked. But her trying to be sexy... Key word "Trying". We just laugh. It is sad actually.

Disneyfan's picture

What's stopping your husband from blocking texts from her? Since she won't stop sending pictures, he could block her and restrict her to voice mail.

End of problem.

Peridwen's picture

Ok, 101, you really need to slow your roll a bit here. You're starting out on one topic, and that seems to meld and merge and become this giant twisty ball of anger and hate towards BM. Instead of posting about a bunch of different things here, I'd suggest you write (or type) a LONG laundry list of every single thing you hate, dislike, or frustrates you. Let it all out until you just feel empty of the storm of emotions. Then click delete or burn the paper and let it all go. BM has no power over you except what you give her. And since I am a list person, please consider the following:

Once you are feeling better take some time to think about what you really want out of your relationship with your DH and his kids. Then try sitting down with your DH to talk it over. Snuggle on the couch and talk.

1. You can't control BM. All you can do is ignore her. A popular phrase here is "Ignore the Whore." Take it to heart.

2. Your DH is the only one who can determine how you interact with his kids on his time. He has a crappy CO because he agreed to it. If he's not happy he needs to be the one to work with it. Beyond legal requirements any rules BM has for you are immaterial and can be summarily ignored.

3. Relationships with stepkids are complex in ways that you may never have imagined before becoming part of a stepfamily. I certainly had no idea what I was getting into. But I learned a lot from this site by letting go of the defensiveness and actually listening to what people I disagreed with were saying.

4. Speaking as a person who grew up with family members bad-mouthing my dad, it hurts and it makes you feel angry and powerless. Kids who feel like that act out. And the sweetest smile can hide that anger and hate. Please don't. BM will never like you and you will never like BM. So pretend she doesn't exist at your house.

5. Developing a strong relationship with stepkids takes time. Part of that development is not forcing it. You can be interested in the kids and show that without pushing into the situations that may be tense. Instead of telling the kids, I will be at x event whether you like it or not, tell them you would like to go but have something else you have to do and could they tell you about it when they get home? Try building a relationship by doing something together that doesn't involve BM. For example I am teaching SD11 how to play cribbage. We sit and talk and play. It's helped. Maybe try something like that so the kid doesn't feel all that pressure from BM to hate you.

I'm no expert. I've only been part of a stepfamily for 6 years, 5 officially. But I have a good relationship with both stepkids and my DH and these are the things I've learned to do to deal and to cope.

Peridwen's picture

Wow HRNYC, now I'm wondering if I was too harsh since you agree, Blum 3 . Actually I still stand by everything I said. I do a lot of things that I know you would tell me I'm wrong about, but I have always respected your opinion.

Acratopotes's picture

101 - BM does not want you in her children's lives, accept it and obey her.... believe me after a couple of years she will try and pawn them off on you, cause she will not be able to handle them, then you can laugh and say No Way lady, your kids your problem...

if skids do not want you at a function, then don't go, do something else that includes fun, you did not marry these children, you married their father......

I know you want to show support and be there for them, but Hon they will never accept you, regardless of what you do for them, BM will always hate you, skids will always think BM and DH will get back together again.... none of this will ever happen, so why worry about it.... just live your life and make sure you and DH have quality alone time

twoviewpoints's picture

"Step Son Has a school event coming up and ONLY wants Bio Mom and Bio Dad to go to. I have a problem with this...Just the 1st one. After the 1st one he said everyone can go (Step mom, step dad... step brothers and sisters). "

I find it hard to believe that this is the first time a school event has come up in the time DH and you have been married. What happened for any of the other kid school events. Is this an event like sports game, band concert, spelling bee?

I'm more curious than anything as to what type of event where the "first one" would be signaled off bounds but the next ones would be fair game for everybody. And I am going to assume that SS doesn't mean Mom and Dad actually totally attend together (meaning Dad picks up Mom and SS and off they go together to event with Mom and Dad sitting together for event also).

" He is 12. Bio Dad asked why he is requesting this and he has no answer. Both his dad and I (Step mom) feel this is a request from pressure from his Bio mom."

Which, IMO, would depend on exactly what this event is and exactly how SS is meaning the two parents are to be involved in it (going together, sitting together, or maybe an award ceremony where BM and Dad appear briefly on stage together with SS).

It just really makes little sense to me that it's pressure from BM when BM , herself, is cutting out her own husband. Seems to be not just an issue with SM going. Or is kid afraid the parents and stepparents are going to make a scene, fight, and spoil the event for him?

"Bio mom has never and refuses to meet me." Followed up with " I have tried saying hello to her and she just ignores me or has actually told me not to speak. "

Not sure how if you and BM have never met she has ignored your 'hello' and/or told you not to speak. You two must have been in the same locale up close (meaning you two have 'met' just not personally introduced nor warmly received. Unless you mean on the phone. If phone is the case, yeah, no. No need for BM to chatter with you on the phone. Her communication via phone, text and email does need to be between the actual parents. She can't be forced to co-parent with you or for communication to go through you to Dad.

As to "My thoughts are that we should not let a 12 year old dictate life" over a school event. IMO, you need to remember who's event this actually is. If the event with everybody present make SS uncomfortable because of tension between the two parties, the SS will just likely stop participating in the events himself. That rather defeats the purpose of insisting you and/or SF is present to show interest and support in the child.

101Stepmom101's picture

It is not the 1st event. I have always wanted to be involved but I have kept away because she has freaked out on DH saying I'm not allowed to go and If I do go she makes threats of how she will take the kids away and bla bla bla (I know she can not legally do this) DH is very afraid of her. Sad BUT, for the kids sake I have stayed away to avoid any drama.

I have wished her Merry Christmas from the car. She told me not to speak and my husband just drove off. She has also walked the kids to our car and I say Hello and get ignored. Or introduce myself and get ignored. No one has introduced us or tried. Bio Dad has said to her he would like her to met me and be introduced and she says no.

I know she will never like me. I just think it would be easier for the children if everyone was on a friendly level. If they didn't feel like their mom hates me and that they would be punished for going to the store with me.

I think it might be tense for everyone the 1st few times until it becomes the normal. I just feel like I'm an outsider when it comes to their lives. I have a daughter from a previous marriage. My ex and husband are very friendly. They act like adults. I wish she just would act like an adult. For the children's sake. When she has a school event. We all go. If my daughter ever told me I just want you and daddy to go ... I would say. No, that is not how things work. But, my husband has made it to all most all her events and with me. Some her bio father comes to... some he does not. But then again her bio father has never made a big deal and said he was not allowed. He's not in her ear saying "why don't you tell your dad you want just me and him there."

DH got a call last night with Bio mom yelling at him for me doing homework with the kids and having them read a books to/with me and not to DH. She just tried to cut me out of EVERY situation that involves them. Even within our own home.

Acratopotes's picture

Hon - stop stressing about BM, she's trying to control your house.....just ignore the whore (our famous ST saying)

DH is the one who should tell her to get lost, your house your rules, she has no say... she can't keep the kids away from their father he can go to court... DH needs to stand up to this control freak

Disillusioned's picture

Is your SS doing this perhaps because he's still hoping that mommy and daddy will get back together?

I would have an issue with a skid specifically stating that they don't want me there

The advice about your DH trying to maybe get to the root of why might be a good idea, why does the kid want you excluded so much?

Not that you need to go, or insert yourself, but, when it is a direct demand from the skid that you are excluded, ya I would have a problem with that

My OSD tried that for a while well in her teens. Told DH she only wanted to see him "without Disillusioned" and at first my DH did exactly as she wanted. He was just desperate to have a relationship with his daughter, she clearly couldn't stand me, and he didn't want that to damage his relationship with her

I was not happy about it, but walked away and let him do exactly that. Well after a few times of getting together with her without me, my DH told her this would NOT continue. He made it clear I was his wife, her SM, he loved me and hoped one day she would at least be able to accept me.

He also told her she didn't have to like me and at that point he had ceased to care if she did, but he would not be excluding me from get together's that she was at, just because she was throwing a jealous temper tantrum

To this day, she is sneaky and invites DH to things without including me (DH never goes alone) and she always arranges to have BM somehow present, as an added 'surprise'

Let's hope your SS doesn't turn out to be one of THOSE Biggrin

Rags's picture

My thoughts? You are right. Don't let the 12yo or BM's Passing crap manipulate your family. I would load everyone up and haul them to the event and have a great time. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Time for DH to put his hand between his legs, grab a big handful of man sack, and man up. He needs to quit letting his XW drag him around by his short and curlies and jerk a knot in the XWs tail by dragging her to court the next time she threatens to take his kids away. Zero tolerance and delivering maximum pain on this kind of manipulative crap works wonders on toxic manipulators like this BM.

Good luck.

101Stepmom101's picture

Thank you! That's how I feel about it all. I think we should not let the 12 year old make this decision (if bio mom is persuading him or not) or it will happen every time. I would be alienated from anything and everything if it is up to Bio Mom. I want it to become the normal. As it should be. It's not let's make a deal on who goes to what. Or threats ~ If New Step mom goes than I will make sure you never have extra time with the kids or bla blah. It's all very sad and manipulative and I just want it to stop and stop the walking on egg shells for Bio mom. We can go about our lives without catering to her or obeying her wants. I would never say we aren't going to something because she would be there... who cares! We will all be a part of each others lives for a long long time. I'm not going anywhere and neither is she. She will have to deal with it.

DH said to me he thinks I only want to go to prove to Bio mom that I can. Which is a small part of it. I want her to know she doesn't control me. My step children and I have a great relationship. I love spending time with them and I miss them when they are not with us. There are lots of reasons I want to go to their events. My DH told me about his step mother and how she hid in the bedroom when they were there and rarely did things with them. I don't want my step children to grow up remembering me as not being there for them or with them. I want them to see me as an active loving part of their lives. Not just a memory of someone that didn't care or want to be a part of their lives. I KNOW I am not their mother, But there is no reason why I can not go. My step son Did not tell DH this request. BIO mom did. Which is another reason I think it is coming from her. We have never met. If she acts like an idiot... that's on her. I'm an adult. I know how to ignore her if she starts something. But I have a feeling she will just ignore me like usual which is fine and dandy with me. I'm not going for her. I'm wanting to go for many reasons... to show support to my step feel part of a whole... not just an outsider... to allow my husband to prove to me that she does not control what we do... to prove to her that we can be at events and there will not be any problems... to show they children they do not dictate our lives. To show the children that we can all go to something and it will be ok. I don't understand why there is so much hate for me. I did not ruin their marriage. She did. I would I want this to be the norm as it is which Bio daughter and her father and my new husband. When she has events... we all go to it. No problems. We are adults.