You are here

Biomom vs. Stepmom

chrissy1094's picture

I'm new to the whole blended family situation. I've seen others that are close to me work through the problems, but they always had a sort of hatred or disagreement with the biomom, so their situations seemed pretty cut and dry.  I've always made it my mission to see things from her POV, and I understand having a new woman in her child's life can be very difficult and sort of intimidating. I feel the exact same way about her.  I, unfortunately, don't have a lot to offer the child. He's incredibly intelligent and his parents are the exact same.  My intelligence is not as advanced as his, but I've found a few things to relate to him.

One of the biggest things I've been able to relate to him about is Star Wars. I've watched the movies and tv shows just so I can better understand his love.  I used to work at Disney World, so I thought it would be a fun bonding experience for us to go to Disney World, and specifically going to the Star Wars land where we can build droids and lightsabers together.  I was prepared to spend hundreds of dollars so we could experience this together.  I've been planning this for well over a year now (2019), and we brougth it up to his biomom and stepfather about 6 months ago, just to let them know it was in the future.

His biomom has now told us (as of 04/26/2021) that she's taking the kiddo to Disney. While I understand this may be something she has genuinely wanted to do, she is planning for it to be the week before the kiddo's birthday, which is about a month before we were planning on going. So now I just feel like this has been ripped right from under me. I know it would be a different experience with them and with us, but he's not one to enjoy things more than once. The second, third, forth time is always a comparison to the first. I wish I could say that I don't believe this was meant to be vindictive, I 100% believe she's planning this so we won't have the 'first time experience' with him, and it's honestly heartbreaking.

I've told my partner about it, but I don't want him to worry about my connection with his son, understandable so. I just want to brush it under the bed and ignore it, but it's honestly so hurtful and discouraging and I worry that, as long as I'm around, this is going to continue to happen.  Any advice from any stepparents that have had disagreements and have butted heads with the bioparent would be greatly appreciated. We're all still so long and feel that we could have a cohesive and civil relationship with one another, but that seems to be the opposite of what she wants. TIA

tog redux's picture

Welcome. Most of us on here have difficult BMs, some of whom are very high conflict and impossible to work with.

Your BM is threatened by you - just lay low, be nice to the kid, let him teach you about what he likes, and don't plan any grand trips like Disney World just to "bond with him", as that will set her off more. Family vacations are fine, but your SO should be the one letting BM know about them, not you.

Honestly, just watch Star Wars with the kid and let him school you on it. You don't need to go to Disney World to build a relationship with a kid.

notarelative's picture

 He's incredibly intelligent and his parents are the exact same.  My intelligence is not as advanced as his

Do not put yourself down. There are different types of intelligence. Book smart is only one. 
Do not let others put you down. Everyone's knowledge base is different. I am sure that you know things that none of them know.

Let dad plan his vacation time. If you go on the trip, pay your way and perhaps a treat. Do not fund it as a bonding trip. A trip planned to bond often fails. Bonding usually happens organically.

futurobrillante99's picture

It's pretty natural for his mom to want to enjoy that experience with him first. I'm sorry she has interfered with your plans. With any luck, maybe they'll have a crappy time and you'll get the chance to give him a better trip.

ESMOD's picture

Well... I took my SD to get her first pedicure in a salon.. that went over super well with BM. NOT... haha

It's tough.. there isn't a magic list of things that should "belong" to the bio parents.. and to a biomom specifically.

In your case, it looks like you have a clearer picture about BM now.. and that while she may make all the right noises of liking you and appreciating your support and interest in her child.. she still harbors insecurities and resentment of time you may spend with him.. of affection he may have with you.

Fortunately, that doesn't necessarily have to rub off into your relationship with him.. but I think in the future, I might play things a little closer to the vest and not announce grand plans to her or the child in advance.

Also, I might just take a bit more casual approach to bonding with him.  I mean, you both have a similar interest.. that doesn't need to necessarily be something you build your relationship out of... It's nice you have some interest in common.. of course that can help with a friendly relationship.. but he isn't going to "love you more.. or at all" because you lavished him with a spendy vacation to android land.  

Will he enjoy the trip with you.. more/less? who knows really... will he make comparisons?  I mean.. is this a competition for you either?  If you want to go.. go.  If you want to take him because you think he will enjoy it.. do it.. (if his dad is in agreement).. but you aren't going to be able to be territorial about things with another person's child... 

I know you are wanting to do something nice.. and it seems like BM has taken the polish off... but it sounds like this is a trip that YOU want to take.. if taking your SS is going to ruin it.. do the trip on his mom's time and go without him.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

My advice is do enough to be kind but don't worry about going overboard.

Even if your SKs like you it will never be like what they have with Thier parents you will always be an outsider. Your heart is in the right place but the consequence of that is that you will end up hurt and disappointed.

You have to find a healthy balance of taking care your emotional needs and those of your family.

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

My SS's BM does the same thing and yes, this is vindictive. I say this because if it wasn't she would have told you 6 months ago that her and Step Dad were planning a similar trip. Had she done that you would have at least had the choice to keep planning or cancel. She is showing her true colors. She doesn't have a problem letting another man into her child's life but you are a threat because you are a woman and you are bonding with her child. 

After having amany plan derailed by BM finding our I was planning something or me doing something with SS and them him telling BM to which she would try to one-up me my tactic became this: If you do it with your BM I will not do it with you. If I do it with you first and you share it with BM then we will never - ever - do do it again. SS learned this fast with his favorite restaurant. I would take him to a place he really loved on special occasions. He has BM take him there for his birthday. We (and him because BM can't really afford the restaurant) have never been back. He begs to go and I remind him that I refuse to compete with BM. 

 

Rags's picture

If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, scratches like a dog, and barks like a dog... odds are... it is a dog.

Foster your bond and relationship with your SKid on your DH's time and do not share crap with BM and her DH.

There is such a thing as TMI and over communicating with the blended family opposition.

Don't do that.

Rags's picture

If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, scratches like a dog, and barks like a dog... odds are... it is a dog.

Foster your bond and relationship with your SKid on your DH's time and do not share crap with BM and her DH.

There is such a thing as TMI and over communicating with the blended family opposition.

Don't do that.