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Disney with BM?

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

Hello!!

I'm new here. Quick intro: my SO and I have been together for over 3 years, we moved in together and started to have his 2 kiddos over 2 years ago. They are 4 and 6, girl and boy. The BM and I are polite to each other but frankly we don't like each other.

We want to take the kids to Disney soon. However the BM wants to take them there first (which I understand) but can't afford it. So I'm considering inviting her to join us... we're only gonna be there for 3 days (mayyybe 4), I don't think I want to deal with her for the entire time there but maybe invite her for part of it..

My SS is cool regardless of who is around him. He doesn't treat me differently and we have a fairly good relationship. But my SD... an angel when it's the 4 of us but omg.. I just don't recognize her when her mom is around. She becomes a clingy whiny little pain in the butt.

My dilemma here is: I want the kids to experience Disney and their mom not to feel left out but I don't know if it's a good idea for my own sanity.... 

has anyone crossed that bridge?

Ursula's picture

I haven't crossed that bridge and I wouldn't.  I can't imagine anything worse than being on vacation with BM.  

Jcksjj's picture

I have not, although my parents did (and it caused issues in my moms relationship). It was weird. 

Its thoughtful of you to consider it, but if you're going to be miserable dont suggest it. Unfortunately that's part of being divorced is that shes going to miss out on some things with the kids. But you didnt decide to have the kids and you (I'm assuming) didnt cause the divorce. So if you don't want to give there with her dont feel obligated.

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

No I didn't cause their divorce but I was already in the picture so she blames me for it anyway. 
Im always trying to put myself in her shoes and be nice but yeah the more I picture it the more I realize how terrible it would be! Lol

tog redux's picture

No. Hard no.  It's not your job to rescue BM from her inability to pay for the vacation of her dreams with her kids. Just the fact that she wants to do it "first" tells me she's high conflict or at least, territorial.  She should be happy that her kids get to go, considering she can't take them there. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

No, no, no!!!!!  Don't do it.  I went to Animal Kingdom Friday.  Mind you this is January and not say June through August at the height of the season.  The heat isn't unbearable in January but it gets unbearable from say May to September.  The Avatar Flights of Passage line was three hours long on Friday.  I have a 5 year old and I brought two of my teens and they brought a friend.  I brought lots of snacks and an ipad to keep her occupied in line and she's very well behaved but it was still hell on earth.  My back hurt so bad from standing.  Three hours for just one ride.  It was 75 mins for Rivers of Navi.  55 mins for Dinosaur.  We had a fast pass for the Yeti roller coaster but a four year old isn't tall enough for that.  The Kali Rapids was closed.  The other roller coaster ride they had in Animal Kingdom was closed.  These weren't for the day but for refurbishment so their closed for months.  The neighborkid woke us all up in our hotel at 6 am .  The kids wouldn't go to sleep til super late cause they were excited.  Everyone is so tired physically and mentally.  Disney is EXHAUSTING.  Now imagine yourself in three hour lines with your back hurting standing next to BM.  

And all the parks are like that.  I just used Animal Kingdom cause that's where we went Friday but last MOnday we did Epcot.  Each day we had plans to stay til close and watch the night time shows and fireworks.  Each time by 6 pm m teens were crying to go back to the hotel.     https://imgur.com/a/gmDRptU I snapped this photo of DD5 asleep in her stroller.  She was so exhausted all day.  

And Keep in mind we are passholders.  We don't feel the need to try and fit everything in because we will only be there for three days.  We take it as easy as possible and live in Florida and are used to the humidity in Florida.  I think Disney with kids is trying and exhausting and there is NO WAY I would bring BM.  I have had to deal with BM just on the phone when I took the stepkids to Universal and that was hell on Earth.  She tried to micromanage everything we did from two hours away.  I can't imagine if she was next to me in line.  And Disney is so expensive.  I spent $44 on just lunch and that's with most of it as kids meals.  Every meal is at least $50 and that's the basic quick dining.  I wouldn't want to waste my hard earned money on feeding BM.  

susanm's picture

No.  H*ll no.  It is a sweet idea and I am sure you are a lovely person.  Go lay down somewhere quiet and think peaceful thoughts until the urge passes.  Have a glass of wine if necessary.  Repeat as needed.  If that does not work, confide in your best friend that you are potentially going to do something that you will seriously regret and ask her to stab you with something sharp.  The pain will be worth it.  Can I get an amen, ladies? 

Rags's picture

What? 

 

Nea

 

As for taking BM on YOUR vacation.... not only NO but HELL NO!

Her lack of abilit to take herself and the Skids to Disney has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, your DH and your family together.

The four of you go to Disney.  Enjoy the trip.  You already know that if BM goes with you SD will be an intolerable, clingy, whinny little shit. BM can grow up, get a job and take herself and the Skids to Disney when she can afford it. It will still be a first. The first time the three of them go together.

I have never understood the fixation on doing things first or more accurately not doing things first that so many people in blended family situations seem to have.  SM's and StepDad's who take extreme issue with their SO having had children first with someone else.  

But an SM lamenting that BM won't get to take the Skids to Disney first? Really?

WTF are you thinking?

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

Lol yeah like I said earlier I think I just needed reassurance that it was a bad idea... I feel bad for her. I'm super excited to take the kids to Disney and they are not even mine so I'm sure she's dying to take them. I was trying to be nice to her but yeah... it would be a nightmare. Thanks ladies!

lieutenant_dad's picture

Does BM get child support? Does she work? Is there a reason why she wouldn't be able to take the kids to Disney on her own dime (e.g. she is disabled; she was a SAHM while your SO was in school/working his way up the corporate ladder to support the family)?

I ask not because I think you should take BM. But, I have a lot of compassion for single parents - men and women - who are doing the best they can with the resources they have and still can't provide what they had hoped to provide. It would be somewhat cruel to just take the kids if BM is suffering from MS and on disability, or if she spent her youthful working years allowing your SO to move up the ladder, only to be left in a poor financial situation that will take her years to dig out of.

BUT - if she is getting CS (or they have 50/50 custody) and is gainfully employed but spends her money elsewhere OR she doesn't work to the fullest extent because she "wants to be as full-time of a parent as possible" OR if her actions were a direct result of their divorce (e.g. cheating) and she got herself into this pickle, well...

...go to Disney and have fun. She doesn't get to "call" firsts, especially if she can't provide them due to her own actions. That's not fair to the kids or your SO. BUT, if your SO has been the cause of any of her financial hardship OR BM is disabled, it might be worthwhile for your SO TO discuss with BM this issue so she doesn't turn what should be a happy trip into a nightmare. I'm not saying she needs to go with you, but there may be a compromise where she doesn't feel more slighted than she currently does and feels the need to go on a rampage due to her anger.

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

She gets CS, she works and all. I'm not aware of her exact financial situation besides the fact she is an Amazon prime addict (but who isn't?! Lol).

I came back to my senses! She'll have plenty of opportunities to take them back to Disney... as they grow up they will have a different experience every time there. 

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

I won't!

strugglingSM's picture

If BM can't afford it, too bad, so sad...guess she'll have to wait. 

Your SO is no longer with BM and it's okay for the kids to know they have two families. 

You're not obligated to make sure that BM can participate in that experience, she is an adult. She is one parent, the kids have two parents. There is no requirement that "mom" always be present for every kid experience...especially if the parents are not one family unit anymore. 

This sounds like it would be a nightmare. 

ndc's picture

DH and I took the skids to Disney a couple years ago.  I'm sure BM would have liked to take them first, but she couldn't afford it and even though she and I get along, there is no world in which I would invite her to come to Disney with us, no matter who was paying.  BM could have prevented the kids from going with us, because the trip included some of her days, but she didn't.  BM here almost always puts her kids first, which makes life easier for us.

Monkeysee's picture

Omg no. I’m so glad to hear you’re rethinking this idea. Not a chance I’d ever invite BM into my home let alone on a trip with us!

ITB2012's picture

DH and I set goals for the kids and the reward was a trip to Disney. BM flipped her shit. Claimed she had called dibs on taking them. Threw a fit. DH also has ZERO backbone or balls when it comes to BM. At various points he wanted me to cancel the trip, reschedule so we went "second" to BM, called his parents for advise, and other random crap. I was so fed up with it (and had already been with my kid) I suggested that he and BM schedule it so the kids were there for a week and he and BM traded time with them (like they each took half the week). He thought I was serious. Okay, I was half serious because this was so ridiculous. I did end up moving our trip by a single day and calling every damned vendor to do so and try not to get charged. Why? Because DH was scared BM would withhold the kids. She had such a fit that she suggested a modification to their decree that no parent could take the kids out of state without the other parents approval. When I pointed out that meant that neither of them could ever visit their own parents with the skids it died on the vine.

Do not do it. You are giving an inch and all involved will take a mile. Maybe not now and maybe not all at once but it will happen.

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

Isn't funny how a lot of DH do not stand up to their ex....?! I mean it's one thing to pick your battle but it's another to be consumed by some kind of guilt and let the ex run the show. Anyway...

thanks for sharing your experience 

Mandy45's picture

I get along with the BM but I sure as hell wouldnt be inviting her on a hoilday with us. She elbows her way into enough things as it is. 

Knowing our BM she probably expect us to pay for her too. 

My way of thinking is everyone moved on everyone should be doing there own thing. Not all hanging out together. Ex is a ex for a reason. You dont remarry and expect the best of both worlds. I'm the wife he goes on holiday with me not me and his ex. 

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

Trust me I have no desire to spend time with her but I was trying to maybe be the bigger person and find a compromise for everyone but clearly it was a bad idea. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

Just as others have advised, don't do it! Especially if you don't particularly like BM. 

MY DH and I have a timeshare and go to Orlando a couple times a year. SD had come with us some times and because of her attitude, sometimes we're thankful she's not with us. Anyway, when DH would say something to her about the Disney trip being off the table because of her attitude, she would retort with "well, BM is going to take me anyway." After her saying this enough and DH eventually saying "fine, then you it's ok for you to miss this trip," SD admitted that BM told her to say that anytime DH brought up the conversation of vacation. 

 Now, your situation didn't sound like that, but if your youngest SD acts different around her mom, that would be enough reason for me to say no. 

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

Last Halloween I already declined the BM invitation to go trick or treat with them for that exact reason. I don't know what I was thinking. I had a momentary lapse of reason with this Disney invitation.. I apologize to all of you haha

ndc's picture

BM here used to want to do holidays, including trick or treating, together.  Hard boundary erected.

Rags's picture

No need to appologize. It is great that you took a deeper dive and have chosen to not torture yourself and your family by being "the bigger person".

Martyrdom, except in relation to Sainthood, is never a great decision.

I am happy that you have adjusted.  Don't beat yourself up about your initial kind perspective.  Now go enjoy your trip with your DH and the Skids.

Harry's picture

Last thing in the world I would want SP going on a vacation With us.  No.  Not going to work out 

ESMOD's picture

I think you have gotten good advice.  Nope... nope.. nope.  It's a precedent you don't want to start.

I think you are probably especially in a delicate place with the EX given that you were on the scene before they broke up.  Not sure what you exactly mean when you say you didn't cause the breakup but were there prior to.  That sounds a lot like you were in a relationship perhaps.. or in the early flirt stages while he was still with her.  Even if BM herself was cheating.. she will still have a bit of a bone in her mouth for you.  Maintain your distant but non-confrontational relationship.

Nowhere is it written that she is entitled to take the kids to disney "first".. why can't that be her EX's wish as well.. who gets to do it.

The only way this could concievably work would be if you planned this in some consecutive fashion..

Like.. you guys go for Sat-Monday.. BM arrives monday.. you LEAVE monday.. but leave the kids with her and she brings them home wednesday.. for example.  

justmakingthebest's picture

I am going to play the devil's advocate here!!!

My Dh, me, my exH and his wife (SM) would do this. We are looking at cruises for next year that we can all go on. It is easy with all of us though. There is no jealousy or insecurity. We do dinners together and birthday's together- It really isn't a thing.

It wasn't always this easy, we worked hard to get here. I don't think Disney is something that can't be done with Bios and Steps. HOWEVER- can you guys handle a dinner together first? Then maybe laser tag? Then maybe a whole day of activities together. Can you do that with little to no issues? Baby steps. 

I think you idea is noble. I think it is very sweet but don't put yourself in a situation where you are going to be miserable. I would also never in a million years ever even sit for an ice cream cone with either of my husband's ex wives. They are both freaking crazy! 

ESMOD's picture

If they did do this together.. I would advocate for NOT doing things together... I would just switch the kids back and forth.  Perhaps it would give them some adult time while BM had the kids.  But I think the "happy family" thing is something that very few people can truly pull off.

Onemorewickedwitch's picture

Honestly I'm not seeking friendship with her at all. I just want to keep it polite and respectful. I usually lay low and I was really surprise my SO was willing to take the kids to Disney. He usually does not go against BM wishes but then he told me that after mentioning the Disney trip to her, she was acting all depressed, tearing up etc... My mom was a single mother and I guess I have a soft spot when it comes to that and the struggles that come with it. I was just thinking of making everybody happy and didn't think beyond that. 

ESMOD's picture

Have you thought about doing a different disney experience? perhaps a cruise instead.  If you are inclined at all to want to allow BM to try to do this milestone first.  You absolutely do not have to wait if you don't want to.. just if YOU are looking for a solution that preserves that option for her.

I think the bottom line though is that if this is truly important to her.. she would do what she needed to do to make it happen.. get a 2nd job.. borrow the money etc.. if it was "that" important.  You can't live your life at a different pace just because your SO's EX can't keep up... 

Thisisnotus's picture

 I can't even imagine.

Ask yourself this. Would you invite other ex girl friends of your SO to ever join you on vacation?

Just because this is the kids mother does NOT negate the fact that she and your SO were in a physical/emotional relationship at one time.......it's a big no from me.

Also, if she wants to take them first but can't.....that is her problem...not yours. It's also not the kids problem and if you have the means to go, then GO. Sorry BM......it doesn't work like that. I am dealing with issues of putting my life on hold for skids and BM crap.....it is NOT worth it. Do not put your plans/life on hold for BM....ever.