Your wife is right. If you get your feelings hurt easy... don't read any further. If you can handle some harsh truth... continue on.

To have your BD (her SD) in the house is to invite the real probability of another CPS report, which could result in your other child being removed from the home, someone getting arrested for abuse, destruction of reputation, stress causing your wife to miscarry the baby etc etc.

Your wife did not sleep with your vindictive ex. She did not stick her dick into a crazy person without having it double wrapped. There is no reason she should have to put up with ANY fall out because you slept with a crazy chick and reproduced.

Your wife is being a MOTHER to her own children. Ensuring their physical and emotional safety by ensure the catalyst for chaos (your XW via the means of your BD) is not allowed any opportunity to abuse them from afar.

I would STRONGLY suggest that you roll up your custodial order, hire an attorney, and proverbially beat the snot out of your ex in court. Bare her lying ass in front of a judge, cps and do it in public. Get the bitch under control... because until SHE is under control... your wife is SMART to keep her little reporter/minion/mini me out of her house.

Frankly if I were you... I would ensure ALL those visits outside the house are in places with cameras that can record all your interactions with your daughter. Because the next report is going to be you touching her/abusing her sexually. Why? Because the one bullshit report she filed already had "great" results in her mind.. build it up some more... get 100% custody and hey he has to pay more cs too!

As a stepmom & biomom I completely understand your wife's position. She has to be the protector of "her" family. Unfortunately it does put your BD in the middle, but that's your Ex's fault not your spouse's. As long as you are still spending time with your BD your doing what you can to be there for all the children involved. Can you imagine if CPS took the child out of your home & away from you and your wife before the investigation was determined BS? As your BD from your previous marriage matures there will be time for you to explain the "why's" of this situation. Try to understand your current wife is not trying to block your relationship with your BD but simply trying to protect her children.

Firstly I just want to say I am sorry to hear you are in such a difficult position. I read your post to my partner and he can imagine how difficult this situation really is for you. Well done on keeping up with regular contact with your daughter and hopefully in time you might be able to build back toward a more unified front.

Im afraid I dont have any brilliant suggestions to improve the situation for you. Your wife is doing what she needs to in order to protect her children, and honestly I'd do the same thing. It can be difficult enough facing the trials of being in a step-situation but when it comes down to a bio-parent having the potential to cause enough hassle that COULD result in your children being taken away? Then no, thats when all pleasantries vanish and you just do what you have to. Yes the CPS report was BS but sometimes they do remove children from their families whilst they find out, and with a baby on the way they could take that baby away too. Your wife is protecting herself and your family unit from such horrific scenarios.

I would support what previous posters have stated, you are dealing with a vindictive woman who clearly doesnt think false CPS allegations are too far so you need to take counter measures to defend yourself. If she has made a CPS allegation already it is not too big a step to think she may make one implicating you. So on your visitation time with your daughter you need to be keeping to public places.
Hire a lawyer and try to get your ex under control, any decent judge should put some serious weight onto false allegations.
Then maybe, in time, and Im talking like years, you might be able to look forward to doing things like all going to do something together so your BD can have a bit of time with her siblings. Maybe your wife can join you/meet you at a McDs or some play area type set up where the kids can play together should they wish but there are things suitable for their individual age groups.

I imagine, given that your original post mentioned your wife had issues with your BDs behaviour that this is an area that could benefit some improvement, and its still worth pursuing if it means you can have those little snap shots of time together as a unit. Now thats not to say that you are all together for the entire time, theres nothing to stop you all meeting up for something to eat before you go do something girlie with your daughter and your wife go off to do something more suitable for your other children. If there is going to be any interaction there it is going to be slowly built on, but maybe, if you are very lucky and very persistent you might be able to gain some foundations.

Unreal Perception, my husband and I were once where you are only not quite with CPS involved. Our strategy at the time was to appease appease appease and try to make things as normal as possible for the children of the first marriage. We held back, we kept quiet, we were diplomatic... and in the course of that I became totally emotionally overruled by BM and her demands. So much so that it killed the sexuality between me and my husband. We're still happily married 16 years on, we are the ideal match, we are great parents together, but... no sex. It kills my DH. But I can't get back the romance. BM, and my contempt for how DH kowtowed to her, totally killed it. Be very aware of how much is at stake on all levels here.
Looking back on the situation I would never have agreed with just.his.wife when I was going through those early days. It would have seemed "disgraceful" and "despicable" to me then to descend to BM's level of aggression, and it would have felt like I and DH were endangering my 3 skids' happiness and peace of mind, to have slugged this out publicly in court, gone for the jugular and so forth. Instead we were proud that we employed the politics of the empty chair: never rowing with BM, avoiding conflict, and so forth. But I now belatedly realized that if only DH had just once cut her down to size and told her where to get off, it would have stopped her more short than our own highly admirable and liberal conduct did. Just recently, BM was hassling my DH about the SS22 who has become a lying failure. BM was using his bad fortunes as an excuse to dig back into her shitty fake parental discussions with DH. In that process she did her usual of insulting and abusing myself and our kids (who were doing nothing but welcome and assist SS at the time). When I heard this I asked DH to tell her to shut up about me and never dare mention my and my kids names ever again. DH did. He emailed her and said if she could not keep a civil tongue in her head, he would simply delete her emails on receipt. That instantly stopped her. It seems these crazies are actually happier being ordered about like servants, at the end of the day.
Let me give you a strong warning my friend. Whatever you and your present wife do, your BM is going to seriously emotionally damage your daughter. I am sorry to have to tell you this but you can ask any SM of older kids on this site where these crazy borderline personality BMs are concerned. Our BM did the following: when my OSDnow25 was 10, she was having a custody battle with DH. BM had left the family home a year or so before and dumped their 3 kids on him. Once he took up a relationship with me and only then, did she one year later move herself and her boyfriend back into their matrimonial home and try to challenge his residence that way. so cut back to the custody battle. My DH was dating me and we decided to go off for a romantic weekend holiday safe in the knowledge that BM was looking after his kids. When we got back, BM had left her eldest in the garden unsupervised when the pair of the parents both knew that a weirdo next door seemed to have too much of an interest in them playing there. DH always supervised. BM normally did too. Only on this occasion she drank wine with a friend, let the kids play out alone, and hey presto, the guy assaulted my OSD. That was a deliberate act of neglect by BM. But it was not enough for her. Not only did she row on each and every handover subjecting the kids to public humiliation and upset, but she dumped them on our doorstep in the middle of the night at times when she knew that only I was there. She told them to burn all presents from me. She told them I was gay and a whore (go figure). She did all she could to ruin their relationship with me. She forced them to hide the fact that they had moved homes and schools on a couple of occasions, by making them lie to DH. She repeatedly dumped them on the middle of roads far out away from towns during her rows with them, and drove off. And finally we were to discover after the event, when my MSDnow 24 was 15, that she had sent her off abroad on vacation with HER OWN BOYFRIEND -- and booked them into the same hotel room. Well you can guess what happened. And BM laughed over the phone about this to my DH when he discovered that she had sent the pair of them off. When my DH said "How the hell could you take this risk? Are you mad?" etc, when she told him where her daughter was, BM actually repled with a giggle, "I'm loving this".
I used to believe our BM was uniquely awful but years later, when I got onto steptalk, where by the way I hardly ever discuss BMs as I am on the adult skid board mostly, I discovered that this conduct was normal for these women. Essentially they are bent on a dreadful mission of self-destruction whereby a part of them actually hates their own children for depriving them of something psychologically. I can't even pretend to understand it but their use of their child as a pawn and a weapon of destruction against their ex husbands and partners is only a tiny part of the picture. They are intending to abuse their children and we are just the vehicles for achieving that.
Please whatever you do, value your current wife more than to blame her for what is going on. Your BM is a natural disaster which has to be managed by you and you alone. Yes, she will hurt your daughter. Yes, your daughter will be damaged. But this will happen anyway.
My strong advice to you is to get counseling for your daughter and yourself (separately from each other so as to give your child some emotional space) and try to afford as much protection as possible to your second wife and family. They need your protection. You chose to marry an abuser and that was probably because you were young and she was lovely. You are now an older, sadder, and wiser man. You owe it to every child in your care to protect them from her. If that means only seeing your older child in limited circumstances, the only person now at fault for that is BM. Do not pass that buck please.

None of this is your five year old's fault but even less is any of it the fault of your other two younger children. By having your daughter in your home, you are letting in the drone (think in military terms) of the vindictive person who is her mother. That drone will aim poison darts and grenades at those two little children and at your wife even though YOU are the only person who made the enemy.

You will not be able to protect your oldest child from her own mother unless the courts side with you in a big way after a big, expensive fight (which will also harm your wife and younger children). That woman is the child's mother and nothing can change that. The girl will either grow up to be just like her mom or, on her own, will emerge as a distinct and separate being.

You cannot "save" your daughter by babying her, ignoring her bad behavior, pouring money on her head. Children are not mini-adults who can be reasoned with, either, a common mistake I see many men make especially. They can only learn through action, limits, doing.

You need to recognize that this child has to walk a path you cannot walk for her (unless you end up with full custody). So now you have a choice: do you sacrifice three children and your wife to this vindictive woman you once thought you liked/loved? Or do you focus on creating a normal childhood for your younger children, one that includes modeling a proper marriage that is fulfilling, loving, and peaceful? Will your older daughter benefit if you become divorced from your second wife? At that point you'd be living THREE lives....

My advice is you keep that lifeline open to your 5 year old, under the contact you now have (and taking the advice of just.his.wife never be alone with her) but make having a normal family with your wife your priority. There's nothing more you can for your daughter anyway but keep the lifeline open.

I say all of this as the child of a crazy mother. If my dad had lived longer, I don't know what he would have done. But I do know in my maturity as an adult all I have wished is that he found some happiness. I see how crazy she is and that she got worse as life went on. I would not have wanted him to sacrifice more of himself or others to her.

Hi there- I hope I am not going to get targeted here because I am offering a different perspective.

Your daughter is only 5 and I get(5 year olds can be manipulative, they cannot keep secrets, they still need help wiping themselves etc) and perhaps maybe your daughter is a catalyst for the BM...but she is only 5 Years Old( I have a 6 Year old) and her father went on to reproduce shortly after we broke-up and he broke up with the mother of his second child...I thought for sure my daughter was going to be forgotten(but I was never vindictive towards my ex) because of the new baby...It turns out I was actually a little right-.in some ways she was forgotten(some of it made sense as babies require more attention). I think your Wife is "somewhat" right in protecting your second family, but to totally disbar a 5 year old from coming over is wrong.

I agree with the other posters-take your ex to court and regain custody, but I don't believe visiting your daughter outside of the home is right(maybe in the interim), essentially, your alienating your daughter from her siblings(so is your wife)...

At 5 Years Old you have time to reprogram her brain and wash away the alienation from your ex, when children start to mature between 10-13, you cannot wash away the alienation easily(MY BFS KIDS HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS...SERIOUSLY...so I am speaking from my experience)

But a kindergartener- I don't know that seems kinda rough...unfortunately, your daughter is at an age where she will remember things as she gets older, for your daughters sake, you would want to give her the best memories you can.

What I don't understand is how can a 5 year old regurgitate that much information that the CPS is involved? Maybe I misread...I am glad your Wife is putting her foot down but at the same time, it is coming at the axe of your daughter...would your wife like it if the situation was reversed and she had to visit her kids outside the home? When you look at both sides, usually a fair answer can be found. Your daughter is not causing the drama, your ex is.

Ironically, my bf wants custody of his teenaged kids, I don't want them living with us(too much issues, alienation and they fucking hate him-but because he wants them with us..i am going to try to give it a chance. If the courts will let him) so you can see my perspective comes from both sides.

Hopefully, whatever happens- your daughter will be well taken care of.

Unreal perception, it sounds like you are willing to sacrifice the chance of having a peaceful, happy home life that your older daughter may one day flee to in order to go on a quixotic quest to make a life for her that is just not possible.

The tremendous pressure on this child to give her soul to either her mom or her dad will cause a lot of damage to her. Look up the term "loyalty bind," and you will see that no matter how crazy her mom is, she will over identify with her, protect her, be her voice.

Please release her from that pressure.

Yes, we get it, your "blood" is not allowed in your home. It hurts.

Now look at it from your wife's perspective, which is what you said you came here for. You are constantly giving her the message that your 2 younger kids aren't really "blood" or maybe they don't have as much of your blood. Their welfare will never be as important as their sister's welfare is. Your ex-wife has no claim on your younger kids, yet Dad is making her poison a part of their little lives. What did they ever do to deserve that?

Your marriage to their mother is under strain....for what purpose? Oh, yeah, it's because of big sister who is so much more important than they are.

Once BM sicced CPS on you for spite, she put your wife on notice of how far she would go to cause harm. Your wife wisely took herself and her kids out of harm's way. It's the only sane thing to do. Think about that. The. only. sane. thing.

If you have the resources and evidence to get the girl full time, go for it. If not, please at least release the child from the loyalty bind. And keep your home life healthy and safe. You cannot make your wife feel like a tenant with restricted rights if you expect the marriage to thrive. She went to the wall for you and ended up with case workers in her home judging her every move. If she does not have a right to keep herself safe from that then she's not really an adult, a full partner. Instead of complaining about her, you need to be making it up to her for bringing that into her life.

If you choose to keep going toe to toe with your wife on this you are certainly losing sight of who is the real enemy...and who is the real ally. Good luck with that.

P.S. One day you may find yourself in handcuffs and unable to see your daughter at all for months if not years at a time. Your wife can see that picture clearly although you cannot and she is making sure she is not the one behind bars while she fights some trumped up accusation courtesy of your ex. When your wife is on the outside getting you a lawyer and scraping up bail, you will be glad she was strong enough to make the decisions she has.

Unfortunately, what you are experiencing are the unintentional consequences of divorcing someone short sighted and self absorbed...Your ex isn't happy...so she is going to making life a living hell for everyone else around her..Been there done that also..Now my step adults are over 40 and totally separated from their bio father, and have an incredible amount of baggage from the same types of behaviors their mother participated in and tried to cause all sorts of grief with my family...now it has passed down to another generation, and they have decided to escalate all the hate....took it to another level...their bio mom died two years ago, and I think they are still trying to keep her alive by being loyal to the hate...What a legacy to leave your children...she always made them choose, and now they feel guilty if they have any type of relationship with their father

It's too bad your ex doesn't care what her actions have done to her daughter...It is a shame that your daughter is being put in the middle...she is the one paying..you are right...but it is beyond your control since it is your ex wife doing what ever she can to make your life miserable...Some people just never get over the failure of their first marriage....All you can do is try and make the best of a bad situation...Your wife is justified in protecting her family from getting torn apart by this workman...I would do the same if it were me...

ChiefGrownup, what a superb way to put this:

"If you choose to keep going toe to toe with your wife on this you are certainly losing sight of who is the real enemy...and who is the real ally. Good luck with that."

It is so true of this situation and so many other step situations.

Deep down I think the guilt and regret that OP and others feel is so overwhelming, they can't even confront it...it's easier to blame the step parent.

By the way...just a personal thing but I really find that any mention of "my blood" and blood-relatives really rubs me up the wrong way. If you don't have kids in common (or maybe even if you do) then as a step parent who DOESN'T share his/her husband/wife's blood, it can be offensive. For step parents with children in common I expect the whole notion of "firstborn" has taken on an ugly feel.

Okay, beyond fair and unfair and whatnot, do you have any idea how damaging a CPS call is?

You can get your other children taken away if there is even a WHIFF of something possibly going on--and boy, if your kid has a bruise on her, even from something else, that's it for you. A neighbors kids are int he custody grandfather because there's an investigation about their youngest infant daughter who died of SIDS but had some slight bruising because the father tried to give her CPR.

If you are in ANY sort of guardianship job or role, therapist, teacher, psychiatrist, etc. you will be suspended and likely lose your job after. If an investigation is ON YOUR RECORD, you may have difficulty finding a job ever again.

And if you are one of the unlucky that get found guilty even when you truly aren't because your kid said you or your wife really did, for example, touch her inappropriately, and nothing can be done to disprove it, don't even think about seeing your other kids, getting a job, or being within 50 feet of a school ever again.

Do you still not get it?

Of course the way your 5yo BD is being treated by your toxic bride is not right. Your DW needs to grow the fuck up and pull her head out of her ass. She is banishing a 5yo child who is her husband’s child from your marital home. WTF is up with that? I understand the pain of having to deal with a PASing POS BM and the challenges of dealing with CPS, the family courts, CSE, etc...... But you and your bride need to be team and protect your family including your 5yo by a previous relationship.

The sad part is that your testicles are held firmly in the hands of two toxic women. You are screwed dude.

Unless you man up, give your bride clarity, beat the living shit out of your XW in court and set the example for all three of your children of what a man is and should be then all three of your kids are fucked and very likely will be clones of your toxic brides.

Place a hand between your legs, grab a firm hold on the man sack and man up.

Suggested with the utmost of sensitivity by a man who has lived the blended family dream for more than 20 years. I learned very early that the only way to deal with a toxic blended family opposition is to utterly and completely control it and destroy it. It works.

Get an attorney and file civil suit for defamation for her false reports of child abuse claims against your XW. Own her toxic ass and give your daughter as much protection from the shallow and polluted end of her gene pool as you can.

To protect yourself, your bride, and your younger children put web cams in the house and record every second of when your 5yo is visiting. That protects you and your family from CPS bullshit and offers a clear record of transparency of how your 5yo is cared for in your home. I bet that her BM would not do the same.

You really do need to destroy your XW in court.

Get it done dude. Before you lose your entire family.