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from bad to worse...

cat_with_a_mean_tail's picture

Well I've been visiting this forum for awhile now- thank God I found you all. SO & I have been together for 4 yrs, lives together for 2. He has a 9yr old daughter & I have two kiddos of my own ages 8 & 11... they live with me & SO full-time, SD is here on weekends. Initially SD & I instantly took to one another, I've never met kid who doesn't like me, so it was good... everything changed when we moved into together. In that time, I've struggled with SD who really resents that we live together. After I realized she wouldn't respond to my simplest of requests, easy any food I'd prepared, or touch bday/xmas gifts I'd purchased for her, I disengaged. But she didn't like that either & began complaining that I didn't like her. SO has a serious case of guilty dad syndrome too, even though he's a great dad. It started as simple reports to BM about how mean I or my 8yr old daughter were to her. BM & my SO have had a fairly close relationship for years until recently, & she'd always call him with these reports about SD complaining about what a vile horrible person I was. Happened at least every three months or so. He really struggled with it- as did I. Not only had I not been mean to her, I'd made point to allow her dad to have kind of alone time with her, & I ensured he was the one asking her to clean up, etc. Of course BM gives her literally whatever she wants.. she brings a new toy, something everyone she comes, (a new tablet the week before xmas? sure! Why not! ) it drives my SO crazy as he sees how detrimental this has become, she seems to relate to people mainly through material objects, & has never been told no or disciplined. She's really overweight & basically acts like a baby (SO can't look at her the wrong way without her crying that he's mad at her) - but she's a bright, good kid. Well the complaints to BM grew- seems like everytime SD left our house BM every week BM then calls SO on Monday & rants about how unhappy SD is because of me & that he needs to do something about this. He tried special one on one time with SD to make sure she gets that time with him & that only increased the complaints that she's miserable & I'm awful & she doesn't want to come here. He created a cycle where SD & BM say jump & he did. SD began sharing her complaints about me (& now my daughter too) with not only BM but her aunts, grandparents on both sides, etc... So the whole family is very worried about her & questioning SO about what's going on. Its clear to me that BM is feeding into this & SD wouldn't ever say she had fun here (even though she totally does) for fear of hurting BMs feelings. BM & I always got along decently- but now she's been telling everyone in our small town how horrible & vile & nasty & mean I am to SD & also pressuring SO to end the relationship! Finally I emailed BM & addressed everything & she blew up. Says she's taking SO to court for custody/visitation ad they had no formal court order previously. Says SD can't come to our home if I'm here, & that SO won't see his daughter if he "chooses" me over him. Also alleging SD is scared of me because I yell at my own kids. Hes finally (albeit too late) opened his eyes to how manipulative & controlling BM has been- telling him how his life is to be, & has limited contact with her to only pick up arrangements. Hes planning to file family court petition himself in next few weeks to beat her to the punch- but in the meantime- this is getting so insane. SD wants to continue coming ( despite how horrible I am) & seems confused by BMs psychotic-ness. I'm SOooooo sick of defending myself!! Never in my life had my character been questioned like this, & its been really really hard for me. & then to act normal when SD is here! Now my in laws are among in first thing in the a.m. to talk about SD & how worried they are because of BMs & SD's reports. BM is rather ignorant & likely really doesn't understand the extent
to which she's perpetuated this entire situation. I've long suspected SD may be someone who struggled with depression as she gets older- & BM wants to fix any issue causing her child to be sad/unhappy/uncomfortable... she's never taught her to manage her feelings. Ugh. I baby even wrap my head around how messed up things have become.....

Whysoserious's picture

I have no advice to give you I'm sorry, however I feel like we're living an incredibly similar life based on what you've put. My Sd8 has refused to come to our home if me and my two boys (8&9) are here since Sept 2020, except for that Xmas when she was told if she wants her presents she has to come down.

So I learnt how to disengage and that was working fine. Didn't care that OH would go visit on his own, maybe even spend the weekend with her at his parents (that was Oh and BM idea, always tried to control our relationship through SD), because the idea was that he'd find out why she didn't want to come and work on it.

We'll I'm too 'nature-y' was the first excuse! Then we've had since:

She doesnt have a bed (yes she does)

She doesn't have her own bedroom (well no it's one night a week)

Theboys are mean/ leave me out (she spends most of the time playing with my 8yo and I've never been told/seen/heard the boys being mean, neither has OH)

Why so serious is mean (I just have boundaries no one is allowed to cross) and she treats me differently (I do yes, I treat her a lot softer and don't really give out reprimands or discipline because she's got 2 parents for that).

And my favourite on boxing day was just I hate why so serious. 

So me and my OH get all of this and find out we're also expecting a baby! So as I'm writing this I'm At 34 weeks and since January 21 've said to my OH you can't leave for full weekends to have with SD when baby is here and even having a full day out alone will have to wait until I've recovered, which he agrees with. So we've done about 3-4 family days out since Jan to get SD accustomed to being around us because if they wanna see each other (OH and SD) then she's gonna have to come down here. All was going well, OH suggested we ramp it up 2 outings a month to me and I agreed this time. Only, up until last weekend when it was SD 8th birthday. She didn't want me and the boys to be there (OH parents had taken SD away for the weekend to their caravan) . F&&k knows why. Unbeknownst to me, my 8yo who had written out her bday card has written a p.s in it saying 'p.s we're stuck at home'. Apparently she looked very guilty at that.

This weekend my boys have gone camping with my parents, I'd have gone with them if I was so pregnant but rather than sorting a day out with me, OH is staying at his parents for the weekend, granted he's doing a bit of work before he picks SD up, but I feel like he's slipping back into BM using SD to control the weekends again so I think I'm going to have to put my oar in again. What if I go into labour in the middle of the night and he's at his mums and SD BM has buggered off to her bfs?! His parents are usually away at the weekend!

SeeYouNever's picture

Your SD and BM have been given entirely too much power over your lives! It seems like they will stop at nothing until they have turned everyone against you. 

My SD and BM were similar in the beginning of my relationship with my DH, not as bad as yours though. The constant threats of court and trying to set people against me or my DH were so annoying. We are not dramatic people but BMs family is. My DH said that they live like they are in a soap opera. It's always something and it's always a huge deal.

You can disengage but it won't solve the problem. Your husband has to put some distance between himself and BM and SD and everyone they have poisoned.

BM and SD were horrible and treated my DH like he was poo on their shoe but expected him to do whatever they wanted for a crumb of affection. It stopped working when my DH didn't even want to spend time with a mopey miserable SD. He couldn't win her back over, the demands would never stop they'd just get more extravagant. Sometimes it's the bioparent that has to disengage for a while.