Another advice request
Hi everyone. New to the forums and thought this would be a good place to get some advice on my situation.
I'm a step father of 3 (ages range from 6-12, 2 girls 1 boy) and my wife and I have a baby boy together (17 months old). I have been married to my wife for about 3 years now. The skids love their new baby brother and adore him to no end which was is a definite blessing.
My wife and I have the skids most of the week and they are shipped to their dad's every weekend.
Basically my problem is, I have extreme anxiety with my skids. What I mean is, when they get back Sunday night from their dads house, it usually takes me 2-3 days to "adjust" to them being around again. For some reason them being in the house stresses me out to no end. I know they sense my anxiety and no matter how hard I try I can never put it aside.
The majority of the problem is, they really don't do chores or help around the house at all and it's pretty much "whatever goes" as long as they eventually get around to picking up after themselves or whenever it's most convenient for them. I've tried to get my wife on board with chores but nothing ever comes to fruition. If I say something to any of them she feels I'm attacking them and immediately gets defensive. And believe me, I've tried and tried to be nice or subtle about it but that doesn't work either. As a matter of fact, that's always been my approach.
Anyway, this drives me crazy. I do not want to raise my son like this. I want to teach him basic responsibilities and I feel like he'll eventually think certain things are "OK".
So, any thoughts or strategies to maybe alleviate some of my stress? Should I just continue to look the other way and get over it or should I put my foot down? I'm afraid what it could do to my marriage if I push too hard.
I believe that the more you
I believe that the more you push the issue the worse it will get, I am step Mom to three and their Father is very liberal with them. What I do now is I will ask them to do something, then wait a while. They will want something from me and then I ask them if they did what I asked of them, they get it done!! I really do not know of any kid who likes chores, if your wife is willing to pick up after them then it's up to her really. Likewise, I say nothing when my husband is picking up dirty towels from the bathroom floor. I WILL walk over the towels and leave them there, I will NOT pick them up if I have asked the kids to do it. It might aggravate my husband a little that I am this way but I am not a slave to the kids or the house. As long as you maintain your own self respect they'll all pick up on that and eventually they will get it. My own Father used to get me started on a job and then leave me to finish it, it started out as doing it together, I sometimes start out helping them with a task too.
Thanks a lot for the input,
Thanks a lot for the input, I definitely appreciate the advice.
I suppose you're right, if my wife is willing to let them leave stuff out and her pick up after them, then so be it. It's not the way I want my son to see things though.
The overall challenge though is to not sound like I'm knit-picking and make my wife mad but still getting my point across. I try to pick my battles, for instance, if 3 pairs of shoes are left out for over a week, I feel like I can say something and maybe get away with it (sad but true) and not get in trouble.
Thanks for the advice. It's
Thanks for the advice. It's nice to relate to other stepparents who are experiencing the same issues.
As far as personal hygiene, the oldest (12yo boy) takes showers daily but the girls refuse to. I bet they shower no more than twice a week. None of them brush their before bed either and if they do it's about 10 seconds worth (actually, I can't remember the last time they brushed their teeth before bed).
Sometimes I just think I'm too uptight for this and maybe have too high expectations from them. I kind of even feel guilty sharing this with others on here because it makes me feel like my wife isn't doing a good job with them. I know she does her best and I love her dearly, but I think we just have different values and expectations when it comes to hygiene, chores, etc. with kids.
Dinner time is the worst, chewing with mouths open, slouched down in their chairs, sitting Indian style (heck even sitting sideways in their chairs at times) acting obnoxious, you know the routine. I just want my son to be raised properly and not act like a heathen in public. If I say anything then I'm a jerk.