Am I too harsh???
Ok so the short run down
Full custody of SD/3
Bio mom passed earlier this year
Currently dealing with "guilt parenting"
The problem(s)
Feeling guilty ( she does not give me the warm fuzzy like my own)
Feeling agitated: -She refuses to eat all of her food (even when handed smaller portions
-She acts up when out in public (ignores you when your talking to her, not listening)
-Does not show proper respect to adults (will ignore them when speaking to her , even a simple hello.
Am I tripping?? Is it that I'm taking the smallest things and making them big because deep down I despise her presence?? ugh I know its awful but I was raised a certain way. Even my own child (1yr old son) I will treat the same way when hes old enough to understand simple instructions such as "eat all of your food before leaving the table" and its not like I want her to gobble every morsel. Its to the point where she will purposely come tell you she's hungry and take 3 maybe 4 bites and then shes done and wants to play (UGH!!) I want him to understand completely that when an adult is speaking to you, you respond! not strangers but mom, dad, and family. Shes a happy girl and very playful but these things are really getting to me. DH says that I dont even hold my own son to these standards but he's 1 almost 2!! he dosent even understand half of what she does..Help please 
I agree with hrnyc. You could
I agree with hrnyc. You could benefit from a parenting class and sd could benefit from seeing a therapist who works with toddlers.
Oh hun I got a SS4 who does
Oh hun I got a SS4 who does not like to eat, take a read on that age group (espcially age 5). I read recently that it can be due to our primitive mind at that stage being afraid of new foods in case they are poisonous. It can be very hard to get the boy to eat but I found the best way was to ignore it, simply let him eat. Or if we are planning a meal I say along the lines of "hmm I don't think (name) can have this, it'f for big kids... hmm what do you think (name)" he is by then "Hey i'm a big kid I want that!" lol so easy. However when it comes to the eating he will eat like 4 bites and then nada. I can sometimes say he has to leave one I placed on the plate as it is his dads. If he thinks he is stealing it, then he gets a cheeky smile.
It seriously is very very normal and they grow outa it. I asked the docs and he said he had a lady in with a girl who barely ate for 2 weeks. She was still running around and healthy out. If they start to get weak then obviously doctor time but yeah just let em be. If they do not eat that meal time you do not feed them in between. A few missed meals will not harm a child.
With the whole attention span, as in taking note of you, it is easily sorted. You must change your voice, you have your normal voice for talking and then a sharp quick tone to say their name or "(Name) look at me" once you say that go back to the normal voice.
Honestly parenting classes are brilliant!
Don't fight with your kids or
Don't fight with your kids or skids over portions. Simply serve her portions of nutritious foods appropriate for her size (TOTAL all the food on her plate should not be more than the size of her clenched fist). If she eats it, she can have something else. If she doesn't eat it within about half an hour, pick up the plate. That meal is over. Give her an opportunity to start fresh at the next meal.
Okay, as far as respect, she's 3. At this point, you are still TEACHING her respect. You teach her this primarily by example, and by redirection. NO PUNISHMENT for mistakes in this department. She'll still be learning well into her Kindergarten year when she's 5 or 6. These things take time.
It's natural not to have the warm fuzzies for her like you would for your own. Remember when dealing with her that you are all she has. You and her dad. NEVER let her know you don't feel the way her mother would feel about her. She'll figure it out later as an adult, and she'll love you for never letting on. You can do it.
Three year olds are assholes. I have one. I adore her. I love her precious bottom. I love her toes. I love her right down to her poop. She's still an asshole. She's 3. She's my third bio child, and she's a total terror when she's tired or doesn't get her way. Aaaaaaaaand thankfully I know she'll grow out of it in about a year.
Seriously, there's no shame in parenting classes. I had my older two children already, and they were attachment parented, never in daycare, and really well behaved. Then DH and his kids moved into my house with my family. His youngest was 2. She's been in daycare since she was 6 weeks old. For the first few months I had to resist the urge daily to pop her head like a grape. She was an UTTER TERROR. Then I sat down and read some books and websites about age appropriate behaviors and expectations for a child that age. Turns out, I was DEAD WRONG in how I was handling things with her. I was expecting WAY too much from her. I can't imagine what that must have been like for her. I hope you don't make the same mistake, but you're here looking to do the right thing, and that in and of itself says that you care and want to do the best you can for her.
Hugs. It gets WAAAAAY better as they get older.
I think you all need help and
I think you all need help and support. That's a very very difficult and upsetting situation for everyone, but most of all for poor SD, I can't imagine how my children would have coped with losing me at such a young age. And now you have a full time mother role foisted upon you. I think her Dad and you would really benefit from some professional help coming to terms with the situation, and learning how the trauma may manifest itself in SD's behaviour. On the issues you raise - don't feel guilty, she has a Dad to love her, as long as you are playing a caring supportive role in her life you are doing all that could be expected.
On eating - you can lead a toddler to food but you cannot 'make' them eat. All children going through eating phases, sometimes they get fussy and try to assert themselves, sometimes they have growth spurts where they are hungry, sometimes they go trough periods of low appetite. All children are different. My DD6 mostly had a good appetite, my BS4 basically only ate 2 meals a day for a while when he was 3 and could rarely be persuaded to have a proper lunch. If they are hungry they will eat. Serve small portions, encourage don't force, try to engage her by letting her help prepare simple snacks and meals. 3 year olds love to help. If she doesn't eat then clear away after a decent interval and offer a fruit or veg snack later. As long as she is a healthy weight, just keep relaxed about it and avoid making mealtimes A Big Deal. By all means set boundaries and incentives 'no pudding if you don't eat your peas' but don't punish for not eating and don't force her to remain at the table till her plate is clearer. If she frequently requests snacks then doesn't eat them then have set snack times mid morning and mid afternoon and give a much smaller snack (children need less than we think).
On behaviour - All children act out in public at times, at 3 DD ran off in a clothes store completely ignoring me calling her back, and hid under the rails causing me several minutes of high anxiety until she was retrieved. Most children have the ability to tune out everything when they are engaged in play and may literally not hear someone speaking to them. BS4 will sometimes give DH the cold shoulder when he returns from being away for a few days with work and refuse to say hello or kiss him. He is too young to understand his own feelings about DH being away so that is how he expresses his unease with the situation. Your SD has lost someone she loved very much, it's possible that she will experience confusion with the coming and going of family members in her life and that will affect the way she behaves sometimes.
Overall I think your expectations of the behaviour of a 3 year old are a little unrealistic, but that's understandable. You may have been 'raised a certain way' but you cannot remember being 3, or how you behaved at that age and I guarantee that when your own child reaches 3 there will also be plenty of behavioural issues to deal with - that's the point of parenting, if they just marched out saying please and thank you and eating all their vegetables and tidying up after themselves there would be no need for parenting. You're stressed because you're in a demanding situation, you need an outlet, and DH needs to make sure you get time away from children where possible. But please try to avoid thinking that you 'despise' her presence. That's a very strong word to use and harsh on a small child who has no choices in her life.
Some useful
Some useful articles:
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1021948/how-to-teach-respect-ages-3-to-4
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1041645/the-discipline-toolkit-successful-s...
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1022311/alternatives-to-threats-ages-3-to-4
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1022305/alternatives-to-no-ages-3-to-4
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your advice. GoodbyeNormaJean ((HUGS)) For you advice.. You really opened my eyes to some things by your words..I really may be expecting way too much..I have never had to deal with the difficulties that come with a child her age and I automatically thought that I would raise her just like I would my son when he's her age (if that makes sense) problem is my son will be 2 in Dec. and I've never had experience with an active 3 yr old..ugh I feel like crap now..but thank you from my heart
I know I can do this..I will do this. I have a desire to do this which is why im online looking up ways to do this. She's still learning in a new environment and I just have to develop that patience with her. I admit I have more patience with my own child than I do with her. how do I get over that?? Will I ever?? I try my damnest to treat them the same. I'm a stay at home mom and every morning when DH leaves for work I get my own son and her and put them both in my bed. This is a routine I had been doing since my DS was born but as soon as she came I included her so she'd rarely have to wake up alone (except for weekends)..I pray she dosent see a difference.. I just feel like when I hug and kiss her she can obviously feel it's not the same..
Hey there Only have one
Hey there
Only have one thing to add to the great advice you have already been given (actually just reconsidered - two things!)
Firstly - she's only 3. Still just barely a baby. And she lost her mum, that's really tough. Regarding the "rudeness" to adults/others - is it constant? Is it certain people or all people apart from immediate family/those she sees all the time and is super comfortable with?
My dd7 when she was 2 she got very sick, was hospitalised and underwent a series of very invasive and horrible tests (this is one eg. Repetitive nerve stimulation
In this nerve conduction study, doctors attach electrodes to your skin over the muscles to be tested. Doctors send small pulses of electricity through the electrodes to measure the nerve's ability to send a signal to your muscle.
To diagnose myasthenia gravis, doctors will test the nerve many times to see if its ability to send signals worsens with fatigue) she also had 2 lumbar punctures, MRI's and various other tests...
You get the picture. We were in hospital for just over 2 weeks, in another state, with only ME there and lots of strangers doing painful things to her.
She went from being a happy, outgoing, confident child to a clingy, cranky (ok the meds were partly to blame for that) needy child. She developed a condition called selective mutism. Google it. She is a LOT better with it now, but still not overly talkative to people she doesn't know well. In perspective - she spoke to her kinder teacher TWICE in the whole year...
It is often brought on in young children by going through a stressful event - am thinking the death of her mother?
Just a thought anyway. If it is the case then punishing her for her "rudeness" will make things 10000000 times worse.
The other thing? Don't be too hard on yourself. You as well as her have been thrown in here and it is perfectly normal to feel out of your depth and worry about how/what you are feeling.
Just take care or you AND her. She really needs you.
You will always have more
You will always have more patience and natural closeness with your son. And that is absolutely fine. You can only play the hand you are dealt, you cannot magic up a parental bond with SD out of thin air. But she cannot feel the difference when you hug her, she just feels the hug.
"I'm a stay at home mom and every morning when DH leaves for work I get my own son and her and put them both in my bed. This is a routine I had been doing since my DS was born but as soon as she came I included her so she'd rarely have to wake up alone (except for weekends)..I pray she dosent see a difference.. I just feel like when I hug and kiss her she can obviously feel it's not the same."
Everything you write here says that you are a caring, thoughtful person doing the absolute best you can to make SD feel loved and welcome. You deserve all the credit in the world for that so feel good about yourself. Accept the reality that you are going to need time out from full time parenting of SD and make SURE you make time to do things for you, and let off steam with friends and family.
A 1 and 3 year old are going to be hard work. I know, I've done it twice. At time you will feel overwhelmed, but the next year or so before SD starts preschool is the hardest bit, once that's over and she is spending some time in childcare it will all get easier. Don't work yourself too hard or expect too much of yourself. Every parent, bio or step, sometimes loses it and has enough of nappies and toilet training, and rejected meals and reminders about behaviour and turning your back for 5 minutes only to find them rubbing your best face cream into their chubby little legs (sorry reliving a personal moment there...). It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad stepmum it makes you human, and in need of a meal out with an adult and perhaps a shopping trip. I wish you lots of luck.