As an American step-parent living in the UK...
I was surprised to discover that among the many, many, other socialist programs here in the UK...there is one set up for kids who are simply tired of living at home.
Yup.
You heard right.
No child-abuse.
No child-neglect.
No child-endangerment.
Just a kid who no longer wishes to deal with their home or parents...
Kid talks to a school counsellor or to social services...
And...
Voilà!
Instant fix...new family.
No need for the child to face up to personal responsibilities.
Or behavioural expectations.
Just tell someone you simply don't wanna be there...and they will find somewhere else for you to be.
No charge to the kid...or the kids parents!
And before you ask...the answer is a resounding NO.
No...the parents have no say in this.
A 12 year old child, with no claims of abuse...no neglect found...nothing of any kind which could cause the parents could be brought up on charges about...
Nothing.
If your kid says they don't want to go home...they don't have to...and the authorities will not make them.
Actually...by law...the authorities CANNOT make them go home if they say they don't want to.
Amazing huh???
Where I come from in the states...a simple phone call to the police will have them dragging a kid back home kicking and screaming...as long as there is no reason to believe they are in danger of any kind.
But not the case here.
SD12 (gonna be 13 in a month) went to counsellor at school...school called social services...social services spoke with us...and now she is gone.
Gone to a foster home.
Probably for good.
Or...at least 'till she is 16.
Then she apparently goes to a sort-of half-way house for older kids...then gets kicked totally free at 18.
We tried "family-therapy"...(paid for by social services of course) which consisted of the "therapists" advising us that SD12 had come up with a list of "demands"...which she insists MUST be adhered to...or else...she won't come back.
I won't bore you all with the details of the whole ridiculous list...but a few choice morsels were:
---The family has to convert to a religion of HER choosing so that she can suddenly begin celebrating some holidays she has decided she just cannot live without.
---There are to be no chores...she finds them too "hard". (Her former chores consisted of difficult tasks like taking care of her own personal hygiene, cleaning her room and doing her own laundry.)
---There are to be no consequences for any of her actions/inactions anymore...as she feels these are all "normal" violations and therefore do not require follow-up. (Her former "nomal violations" consisted of things like, stealing her sisters and my personal things, lying, hurting the family pet, etc.)
And on...and on...and on.
The funny-but-not-really-funny part about this...is that the so-called "therapists" actually suggested we do as ordered.
That she should be able to call the shots.
That we should celebrate whatever she wants celebrating.
That her chores should be forgotten.
And...
my personal favourite...
In order to make her "comfortable" in our home...so that she is willing to come back...
My Dh has to face the fact that he may have to CHOOSE BETWEEN HIS WIFE AND HIS DAUGHTER!!!
:jawdrop:
Of course divorcing me also means he would no longer be living with his eldest daughter either. She and I have bonded so well, she is like my own...and cannot stand her younger sister or what she has done to our family over the past 5 years...so would opt to live with me versus her dad and the SKIT (Serial-Killer-In-Training) that is her sister.
Not that DH, even for a single moment, contemplated choosing anyone else but me...but soooo not the point!
We told the "therapist" as well as social services that DH is NOT the one who needs to make a choice...SD12 is...and she has clearly made it.
So...while I do actually wish she had instead choosen to act like a person and attempted to get along with our family (if only for my husband's sake) it would seem, that for now at least, peace and harmony have come to our home for the very first time in over 5 years.
I hope they are here to stay.
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Comments
I believe in the UK, the
I believe in the UK, the taxes are HUGE. My friend from London told me it's more like 50% of their income or something. They don't have taxes during college though, if they work, but once they're out, they're out.
So he lied to me to get my
So he lied to me to get my sympathy! Figures. Ugh men. I'm so gullible.
But. 45k is... very little... isn't it? To be put in the higher tax bracket?
No its not that high, but its
No its not that high, but its not good, but we do have social healthcare.
&45K = $73K A 50% tax rate is
&45K = $73K
A 50% tax rate is criminal extortion regardless of how much one earns.
I support helping the needy but I oppose funding the lazy.
The problem is that there is no reasoning with idiots who say what is mine is mine and what is yours is negotiable. Any country that taxes anyone at 50% is doomed. Any country that lets a 12yo dictate how they will be raised is going to fail even faster.
IMHO of course.
the counselor endorsed this
the counselor endorsed this crap! :O this is a child-centered society if EVER i heard of one.
this just really depresses me. what kind of world are we creating?
bad...very bad. how do they not see the foolishness in this?
SD16 left us to live with mom
SD16 left us to live with mom two years ago and as sad as I am for DH not to see her even though she lives up the road, I am grateful every day that with her leaving all the tension left our lives. BM created her drama, BM can live with the consequences of an unruly teen....
Ah, just lovely...I was
Ah, just lovely...I was hoping they could just take them... lol I'd send them off and make sure I was no longer responsible for the little twits.
WTF? I am in shock! In
WTF? :jawdrop: I am in shock!
In what world do we let the child dictate what the rules of the house are? They are the child for f***s sake. The parent/adult makes the rules and the child is expected to follow them. If the child does not follow them, they will have consequences. That is how the world works.
What is this teaching children? That they are entitled! They are NOT entitled! Reality is going to kick these kids in the ass.
So I'm totally lost. The kid
So I'm totally lost.
The kid chooses to leave the home.
What if that doesn't work?
Does she get to chisel to come back?
Is she a US citizen or European?
Do you get updates about her.....or she's just gone?
I'm shocked.....
Just thought I would address
Just thought I would address your question personally...
SD12 is a UK citizen.
However, my BD was a minor when we moved to the UK.
We have what is refered to as "Indefinate Leave to Remain".
This makes us, what is considered to be. Commonwealth Citizens.
My point...I have one around here somewhere...
Is that my BD, as a minor, would have been given the same options as SD12, (you don't have to go back if you don't wanna) although she is still a US citizen.
I have listed a general reply to this posting with some other answers, as well as another blog entry today, which I think will answer the last of the questions.
I too, was shocked at first, I will admit.
I became...as my DH puts it..all "American".
This means I started to us the phrase "You People" in my ranting.
As in...
What the hell is wrong with You People?!?!
Why do You People seem to think that kids never lie?!?!
Why do You People give more rights to children than to grown adults?!?!
You get the picture right??
Not that he had any answers...poor man.
Now...I guess I just sort of see the blessing in disguise.
SD12 managed to do for us...that which we were unable to do for ourselves for years.
Our home finally has peace and love and contentment.
We have been on an actually holiday for the first time in 3 years!
We (the remianing members of the family) have had a discussion that included the acknowledgement that our home just "feels" less stressed, more fun and no longer filled with a manevolent presence.
Sounds bad I know...but it is the truth.
Am over the shock and just looking forward to the peacefulness.
I am moving to the UK!!!!
I am moving to the UK!!!!
Well it sounds to me as
Well it sounds to me as though this is the best thing for you and the whole family, one day she will realise what a big mistake she has made, she may end up being passed from piller to post, is she acts up in this new foster family she may have to go to another one, the care system is far from perfect in Britain, at 18 if she dosn't go to university she will propably end up on benefits, maybe she will wake up and realise what an idiot she has been, anyway you have all done your best, time to enjoy the peace now.
Firstly...thanks for all of
Firstly...thanks for all of your comments...even the shocked ones
Secondly...yes, our taxes are higher than in the US.
In our case...very high, as we are somewhat higher earners, by the national standard.
That being said...I was widowed in 2005, after a long, drawn-out and expensive illness, (is there any other kind?) which left me almost $200,000.00 in medical debt when my husband passed.
And we had 80/20, very good medical and prescription insurance. So...I am unlikely to complain about the fact that our taxes sometimes reach as high as about 40%, because I no longer have the worry about a medical "what if".
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The laws in the UK however...
“Archaic”, doesn’t even begin to explain.
I practised law in the states before I moved here.
I was fairly certain I wouldn’t want to practise here.
I was here less than 6 months before that became an understatement.
…and this current situation is just a little taste as to why.
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As for the person who commented on spanking…
We tried that.
Once.
Two years ago.
We were not angry, we did not yell or belittle, and she was warned it would happen ahead of time…and she still chose not to listen.
Needless to say…it did not work.
Spanking is technically legal here in the UK…for the time being. It is on-the-books to be made illegal.
Spanking can occur of you are the parent or guardian and as long as no physical mark is left.
When SD12 went to the school counsellor she did tell them that she had been spanked. We were questioned about it by the social services police…we explained it to them, as I have explained it to you…and they said they were satisfied that the situation was isolated, non-abusive and that they saw no reason to ever speak to us about it again. They later advised us their part in the case was closed.
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In regards to updates about SD12…
I never adopted her, so my “legal” responsibilities, are essentially nil.
Unless something was to happen to my DH…then it’s all about me.
So…my DH has what is referred to as full “parental responsibility”.
He signed some papers giving social services, foster parents or whomever…the ability to seek emergency as well as regular medical/dental/whatever, attention for SD12.
But other than that…he retains full responsibility. I.e., no one else could sign paperwork for her to get a passport, or that sort of thing.
We get occasional emails from her case-worker advising us of any progress, changes or alterations in her care.
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As for the questions about what we will do if she decides she wants back in…
I am going to make another post today, and will copy the letter we sent to social services, that was to be read out at the “case meeting” we did not attend. I hope that will answer some of those questions.
Thanks again.